joyful's journal

[Three Roses]

Sorry you're having such a rough week

[joyful]

I have so much on my mind right now. I don't want to spam all of the boards with all my posts so I'll just dump it here.
So to start. I feel so constantly dissociated. I always feel detached from my body. It makes me feel insane.
Maybe this has an effect on the next thing, i have no idea.  but I always feel unsafe with/in my body. It's like i'm triggered by my own body, which is weird and probably not the right way to describe it. There are days though when I'll look at myself and feel...scared? sometimes I make my skin crawl? I don't know how to describe it at all. I constantly want to just curl up inside myself and be invisible. maybe the dissociation comes from the fear/disgust/unsafe-ness? maybe i feel unsafe because i don't feel attached to myself or my surroundings?
I have no idea. I feel pretty much insane.

[joyful]

I'm not really sure why, but i feel like the only real times I get on here are when I'm feeling awful and just need dump it.
and I'm feeling awful right now.
Earlier today in the cafeteria of my university I lost something that was a gift from my BF. My first instinct is to be like "that's really sad, but there's nothing I can really do." But it was important to me, so I looked everywhere, retraced my steps AND...I even worked up the courage to go ask lost and found. Which i NEVER EVER do. So the lady working there was kinda annoyed at me (at least it seemed like it) and somehow her word choice seemed threatening to me. Maybe cuz she called me sweetheart (in like the tone you'd say it to a really small child who's being annoying) and I'm in college. I know that I shouldn't be scared by that, but it just made everything worse. Made me feel so much more helpless. She said she hadn't seen it. So that's when I started crying. I kept retracing my steps and eventually called my boyfriend in tears. LOL. I felt really dumb, first for losing it, then for crying about it. Ugh. He wasn't upset, he told me it was totally ok, I wasn't *in trouble*, he wasn't mad, it wasn't the end of the world or our relationship. So I spent the next hour feeling like a five year old, then i got myself some food and i feel a little calmer now.
It was kinda weird to watch myself overreact so much. I technically knew that it wasn't a huge deal, that he wouldn't be mad or even sad, but I was really scared that he would be. Because in my FOO, losing an expensive gift was like a betrayal (i can't think of the right word) of the relationship and could be shamed for the rest of forever. Or even losing anything at all. Plus throw in crying about it? shame shame shame. i don't know what else i'm going to say here, i just ran out of words.
sooo....yeah...

[Three Roses]

[joyful]

I struggle with boundaries.
I can't set them because I'm afraid of hurting people. So I give wholly of myself and never say no, but I also expect the same from others. It makes me sad. When people tell me they need space from me and my issues (they don't say that though) for a little, I go along with it because i technically understand. I know full well that I am a handful. So I understand when people need a break, but it still hurts really, super bad.
Pete Walker talked a little bit about how when we're young (under 2 i think) we need to be shown unconditional love from our parents, no matter what we do. But if that need isn't met during that developmental stage, we continue to have a strong need for unconditional love through the rest of our life. this hit me so hard when i read it. i knew i need to show myself that love, but i honestly don't know how. So i go around expecting everyone to give me the unconditional love that i did not receive early in life. which isn't fair to them, at all--i understand that.
I just feel super needy and demanding, requiring unconditional love from others and then being hurt when they reasonably cannot give it to me. the thing is i know that they have every right to have space from me when they need it, i'm surprised they can be around me as much as they do! but i still hurt and feel abandoned when they have to step back.
and i feel like my F. requiring people's endless loyalty and devotion. i mean, in my defense, i don't actually get mad at people or punish them when they pull away, i just hurt and vent inside myself. He punishes and manipulates you into giving up the boundary. this is why i'm afraid to reach out after someone's asked for space. i completely pull away because i don't want them to see everything i say as trying to manipulate them into coming back. that is not my intention (at least consciously ) I just want them to know i'm not mad. i guess pulling away could be seen as manipulating them back too...silent treatment is F's favorite...
UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH why is this so hard???

i guess the only way to fix it is to show myself that unconditional love. that is so hard though. i literally don't even know where or how to start doing that...

anyway, enough for now.

[Wife#2]

This is one I'm experiencing through my son. I'm having to show him unconditional love in a very real, tangible way. He knows it, but this week, he's had to FEEL it as well - long story, I posted elsewhere.

Being fresh in the language of unconditional love, it kind of goes like this: No matter WHAT you do, WHAT you say, WHAT you succeed at, WHAT you fail at, no matter any of that - I will and do love you very, very much. I may get angry, I may even be disappointed, but that doesn't stop the very deep love I feel for you, will ALWAYS feel for you. Yes, there may be consequences for bad behavior. Yes, there may be quiet times when I need to not speak for a bit. Those are for teaching - you that authority must be respected and obeyed when what they ask is not harmful or illegal, me that speaking while angry is hurtful. When I can speak and not be angry, the first thing out of my mouth will be that reminder that I love you. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. NOTHING will change how much I love you.

Is there a way that you can 'love-speak' to yourself? Post it in an email that you can open up and read often? Speak to a mirror? Have a doll or stuffed animal, or actual living pet that can be the surrogate for your inner child? It's going to feel strange and fake at first. Your inner child is going to take some convincing.

I will admit that hugging my child while I told him this, and being hugged back, was very healing to that lonely place inside myself. I hope you can find that comfort, that sincere comfort, for yourself.

[joyful]

Thank you Wife2. You are definitely right that my inner child is going to take some convincing...and that it will feel fake at first. I'll try and keep going through that, it's always stopped me before. I've never made it past the initial hesitation and disbelief. I will keep trying though.

[joyful]

yesterday i realized (because a close friend pointed it out to me) that my F could go to jail for what he's done and is doing. at first i was like, wait...what??? that is really what my life was and is? i'm not just making up hurts for no reason? it really is that bad to someone besides me? it was kind of a hard realization... they were trying to tell me that what's happening is legitimately bad and wrong, not just mean. i don't know. i guess i kind of looked at everything that has happened/is happening in a different way. i want to just shut down and blow everything off and just be really sad for myself, but i feel like i can't. i won't let myself. which is fine i guess, i can wait til i'm ready. i don't have a lot of words right now, i just needed to get that out.

[Wife#2]

Joyful - that hesitation is normal.

For now, hold tight. Your emotions may well fly all over the place for a while with this realization fresh in your mind. Center yourself in some way (favorite song, best friend), whatever you can to keep something that will remain stable, around you, consistently comforting you. We'll be here for you while this sinks in.

When you feel you can safely talk more about it, return to us. We'll be here to be sounding boards for you if needed. Please know that all of us here care about you and want the best for you.

[joyful]

  Thank you Wife2 

[joyful]

I am so down right now. i feel so stuck. I only use this journal to dump all my negativity that no one else understands! Sorry everyone...
Yesterday I realized something. In my college psychology class last week we learned about observational learning. It hit me really hard that we can't do anything that we haven't either been taught or seen someone else do. It explained and kinda cleared up a lot of things about my SA. it's not even possible that I could have known the things that I did from a young age. It was validating i guess, but also sad.

switching topics. (trigger)
last night i *** again for the first time since october. i was so sad and upset and hurting. it was building up inside me. I was hurting so much. i don't know all the way why. but i was just dissociated and detached from it. i feel so dumb for it, it wasn't even bad, but just the fact that i couldn't access and healthily express my hurt. i couldn't get to the pain inside me so i recreated it outside. I feel a little stronger today, but not much. i won't do it again, i won't do anything else, but i really want to just take the day off and "practice self-care" which i feel like i don't even know how to do! I just want to like quit all of life and do nothing. which i know isn't probably the most healthy thing either, so i don't. I get super needy and clingy and feel like i'm annoying everyone around me (even though they say i'm not).
oh i don't know. i don't know what i'm trying to say here. i had more stuff i wanted to thaw out, but i forgot what it was now. this feels so depressing. i wish i could cry. i feel like i've turned off my tear ducts. my eyes will sting, but tears never come, 99% of the time. a good cry would probably be helpful right now. i can't keep going on pretending to be normal and fine but i'm screaming inside. i am not fine. i'm tired of pretending like i am for the sake of everyone around me who can't understand. ugh this rant. i'm sorry to whoever reads this.
i always feel like i'm talking in circles here. i make no sense, i'm just going on pretty much complaining. i just am sooooooooooo down and sad right now and i'm sorry for letting it out here. i guess i'll be done venting for now. 

[Three Roses]

 

This is a good place for venting! I'm sorry to hear you're going thru a rough spot - I wish there was something more I could do but all u have are cyber hugs   

Btw, I thought your post made perfect sense. Hang on, my friend!

[joyful]

Just got an earful of guilt tripping, shaming, manipulation, and generally crazy making. Luckily by now I know enough that I can recognize these attacks for what they are, but it still hurts. I know I haven't said very much ever about my abuse, I've never gone into a lot of detail. I still am living with my abuser, so healing feels close to impossible. I have a very deep fear that he somehow will find me here and recognize me and my story and then I will be *in trouble*. That prevents me from saying a lot of what I need. I try and journal as much as I can privately, but even then guilt stops me. I hate that I can't even talk about the awful things that have happened to me because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the person who abused me!
Anyway, that wasn't really what I wanted to talk about. Like I said, this morning I got a serious bashing (emotional). I know that I don't actually have anything to be ashamed of, that he's projecting his own faults onto me, but I still cry and feel ashamed. I wish I could say something, how it isn't my problem or my fault, I shouldn't have to be ashamed for myself.
And now I'm hurting pretty bad. Hopefully I can make it through the rest of the day.

[Three Roses]

This makes me sad for you. I've lived that reality also. But let me tell you that you are worthy of being treated well; and not just treated well, but you are worthy of being thought of kindly. You are worthy of being spoken to with respect. You are human, and imperfect, just like everyone else. You can have flaws and still be treated well.

I hope you can shake off the verbal crap that was dumped on you and have a better day.

[Wife#2]

Joyful, I know your intellect understands that what was said isn't true, but the heart often wonders. So, to counter what may have been said, let me spill a little truth back into your heart.

What you are is: Beautiful, thoughtful, considerate, intelligent, intuitive, brave, strong, survivor, wholly worthy of deep and abiding love, appreciative, honest (when you can afford to be).

These are the attributes that are true. These are what everyone, without an agenda, sees in you. This is closer to your authentic you than anything spoken this morning.