(There is religious content here, for those who are triggered by it.)
I'm sitting on the couch with computer and TV on, and trying to breathe. Last night I had a mental rant about all the things I feel that I'm expected to do, have to do, need to do, want to do . . . and I am stuck, and have been for years.
I have books I want to write.
I NEED to earn money to pay off debt.
I NEED to pray daily and read the Bible, but while I'm doing a Beth Moore study with my ladies' group, my prayer life STINKS!! I am not sitting down to pray. My prayers are "on the go" and they're not very deep. It's more like the "Lord, be with/Lord, please bless" type of prayer that I get tired of praying because it's so cliche and repetitious.
I have a chore schedule. Do I follow it? NO! The only person who regularly does his chores is my son!
Tonight we are participating in the If gathering at my church. This is a video presentation that a bunch of churches are having. That's tonight and all day tomorrow. I'm signed up to go. Since I work from home, if I don't make myself get out and about, I could be very isolated.
Tomorrow is the Super Bowl, and I live in Atlanta. (That should be self-explanatory.) I sing on the praise team this Sunday, and to get there for an 8 a.m. rehearsal, I will have to get up at 6:30 a.m. and leave the house before 7:30 a.m. Our twice-monthly small group meets at 3 pm. My son's youth group has a Super Bowl party at 6 p.m. At least one of us will have to take him there and bring him back.
Wednesday night, I had praise team rehearsal after church, and as a result, we didn't get home until 9:30. My husband needs to get up around 4:30, because he leaves the house around 5:30 to catch a bus to go to work. Last night he went to bed at 7 because he'd stayed up too late the night before. (We only have one car. We don't have the budget for another one.)
My dishes need to be done.
The laundry has to be done.
I want to make banana bread because we have a bake sale on Sunday to raise money for youth missions.
Our downstairs toilet has been leaking, and my husband shut it off. It's been a real pain to remember to go upstairs every time I need to go!
I am so sick of current events.
If I want to be a writer, I need to write, but I have not been writing regularly. I have it on the schedule, but am not always following through. (I'm too distracted by the computer.)
I have a LOT of issues surrounding God and the Bible that I've been stuck on and don't seem to be making any progress on.
I can't talk to my mother on the phone because she's unable (not unwilling, unable) to hold a conversation. And while my sister and I are friendly, we're not terribly close.
My son's birthday is next week and I don't have a gift for him.
I'm probably going to have an IEP meeting at the end of the month for my son's transition into a post-high school special ed program.
Monday, I have to take my son to the naturopath and then my husband and I have our own counseling session. I will be doing a lot of driving. (The one bit of self-care I did was to not take any work for Monday, and I have told the people I work for that I can't work.)
I NEED to exercise in order to control my blood sugar. I had been walking, but then my foot started hurting, so I switched to swimming. But I have to schedule swim time according to when the pool's open. And if I have an appointment, or don't sleep well (which happens pretty often), guess what doesn't happen?
March 8th, we have our hearing for my son's guardianship.
And oh, have I mentioned that yesterday morning, my computer was running so slowly that I couldn't get any work done before I was scheduled to leave for the pool?
My brain is spinning.
