Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[bring em all in]

allie- I just replied to your Having a Bad day: kicking myself post. I really relate to what you said. Also, I've been thinking about your post on this thread January 4-
"Everyone believes they are right.
Everyone can "prove" it by Scripture.

I've debated whether to respond. Scripture can be interpreted and twisted to fit almost anyone's desire to believe anything and force it on everyone. Scripture was even used to support slavery! In the gospels Jesus calls the Pharisees out for not following the law that commands them to kill disobedient children under certain circumstances!

"conclusions are diametrically opposed to each other" and "how do you know who's right?"

The Bible is full of blatant inconsistencies-even the gospels disagree/contradict as to how certain events happened and the order in which they happened. Two of them start with a genealogy of Jesus from Joseph's side- but Jesus was not of Joseph's blood so the bloodline is useless. There are two differing accounts of creation in Genesis. The list goes on and on and on....

After reading The Skeptic's Bible I became convinced that The Bible is not and cannot be held infallible and therefore (for me) the source of ultimate truths. I write this not to dissuade you from Christianity (although I'd like for you to know you have the right to change your beliefs-and if you do, I can relate to the feelings of fear and shame that can arise in the process!), but to at least let you know I shared your concerns and confusions regarding Scripture and other people's certainty in their beliefs.

As for "I'm bracing myself to be screamed at for whining and complaining!" I doubt you'll find that here. I assume we all know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that admonition and the devastating effect it has on our (for lack of a better term) souls.  if you are open to a hug!

[alliematt]

I screwed up with a lady from church (I posted about it elsewhere in the website) and while I apologized and she accepted it, I have kicked myself from here to Pluto and back and am on my second round trip.  I cannot pull myself out of this blue funk.

[Three Roses]

This sounds to me as if you may be in an EF.

I absolutely hate when I offend someone. I try to never be hurtful but sometimes, being human, I screw up. Takes me a long time to get over it, sorry you're in a funk.

[alliematt]

This sounds to me as if you may be in an EF.

I absolutely hate when I offend someone. I try to never be hurtful but sometimes, being human, I screw up. Takes me a long time to get over it, sorry you're in a funk.

I'm sorry, what is an EF?  Emotional flashback?

[Three Roses]

Yes, sorry. I just replied to someone else about what I thought sounded like an EF, so here's the link I gave them

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=374.msg2420#msg2420

[alliematt]

(There is religious content here, for those who are triggered by it.)

I'm sitting on the couch with computer and TV on, and trying to breathe.  Last night I had a mental rant about all the things I feel that I'm expected to do, have to do, need to do, want to do . . . and I am stuck, and have been for years. 

I have books I want to write.
I NEED to earn money to pay off debt.
I NEED to pray daily and read the Bible, but while I'm doing a Beth Moore study with my ladies' group, my prayer life STINKS!!  I am not sitting down to pray.  My prayers are "on the go" and they're not very deep.  It's more like the "Lord, be with/Lord, please bless" type of prayer that I get tired of praying because it's so cliche and repetitious. 
I have a chore schedule.  Do I follow it?  NO!  The only person who regularly does his chores is my son!
Tonight we are participating in the If gathering at my church.  This is a video presentation that a bunch of churches are having.  That's tonight and all day tomorrow.  I'm signed up to go.  Since I work from home, if I don't make myself get out and about, I could be very isolated. 
Tomorrow is the Super Bowl, and I live in Atlanta.  (That should be self-explanatory.)  I sing on the praise team this Sunday, and to get there for an 8 a.m. rehearsal, I will have to get up at 6:30 a.m. and leave the house before 7:30 a.m. Our twice-monthly small group meets at 3 pm.  My son's youth group has a Super Bowl party at 6 p.m. At least one of us will have to take him there and bring him back. 
Wednesday night, I had praise team rehearsal after church, and as a result, we didn't get home until 9:30. My husband needs to get up around 4:30, because he leaves the house around 5:30 to catch a bus to go to work.  Last night he went to bed at 7 because he'd stayed up too late the night before.  (We only have one car.  We don't have the budget for another one.)
My dishes need to be done.
The laundry has to be done.
I want to make banana bread because we have a bake sale on Sunday to raise money for youth missions.
Our downstairs toilet has been leaking, and my husband shut it off.  It's been a real pain to remember to go upstairs every time I need to go!
I am so sick of current events. 
If I want to be a writer, I need to write, but I have not been writing regularly.  I have it on the schedule, but am not always following through.  (I'm too distracted by the computer.)
I have a LOT of issues surrounding God and the Bible that I've been stuck on and don't seem to be making any progress on. 
I can't talk to my mother on the phone because she's unable (not unwilling, unable) to hold a conversation.  And while my sister and I are friendly, we're not terribly close. 
My son's birthday is next week and I don't have a gift for him.
I'm probably going to have an IEP meeting at the end of the month for my son's transition into a post-high school special ed program.
Monday, I have to take my son to the naturopath and then my husband and I have our own counseling session.  I will be doing a lot of driving.  (The one bit of self-care I did was to not take any work for Monday, and I have told the people I work for that I can't work.) 
I NEED to exercise in order to control my blood sugar.  I had been walking, but then my foot started hurting, so I switched to swimming.  But I have to schedule swim time according to when the pool's open. And if I have an appointment, or don't sleep well (which happens pretty often), guess what doesn't happen?
March 8th, we have our hearing for my son's guardianship.
And oh, have I mentioned that yesterday morning, my computer was running so slowly that I couldn't get any work done before I was scheduled to leave for the pool?
My brain is spinning.

 

[bring em all in]

No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

[alliematt]

No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

That was a vent.  (And thank you for asking.)  I have put dishes in the sink and laundry in the wash, and decided to ignore current events for the weekend. 

[alliematt]

I have been feeling tense and exhausted almost this whole weekend. 

Friday and Saturday I went to a ladies' gathering at church.
Sunday I sang on the praise team.
Then went to small group.
Then, my husband took our son to a Super Bowl party.  I picked him up.
Yesterday, I drove my son to a doctor's appointment, took him home, and THEN went to pick up my husband so the two of us could have an appointment together.
Saturday night I went to bed at eight.
Last night I went to bed at seven.
And I'm still exhausted and tense.

[alliematt]

It has been a month since I've written anything here.  I really feel like I live life spinning plates and juggling balls.     For the last month, I've dealt with illness and a number of appointments and other things.  I haven't been swimming in a month, and my A1C is probably shot.  Right around our son's birthday, he got sick with a cold, then *I* got sick, then my husband got sick.  Then, there's been a myriad of appointments and stuff that I've dealt with.  I've developed a pain in my side that is probably a pinched nerve and have back exercises I need to do. 

This week, we were awarded guardianship of our son.  That was crammed into a week where I had two doctor's appointments, a counseling appointment with my husband (our standing monthly appointment), my son's naturopath appointment, and the regular "running the house" duties, in which I've fallen way behind.  I have done no writing.  I took no work for pay this week because I knew I would not have time.  Today, I finally have something that is due Monday. 

Is this part of C-PTSD?  Feeling like you have to do everything and there's no end in sight?  My life is stressful enough WITHOUT the (insert adjective here) C-PTSD.  With anxiety, depression, and OCD, it makes it worse.  And there's the constant struggle with shame.  I'm starting to call the feelings I have "shame", not "guilt", because the feelings I have are of, "I am bad," not "what I did was unwise." 

Rewiring my brain is a pain!   

[alliematt]

There ought to be a way I can deal with life without feeling tense and anxious.  My son and husband are both home today and that tends to throw my scheduled off.  Especially when my son goes around screaming lines from the shows he likes to watch and talks about them, constantly.  I'm in my office at the moment so I can get some privacy. 

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore.  About the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm a biological female . . . but if someone were to ask me, what is a woman, I don't know what to tell them.

Be myself?  Who is that?

[alliematt]

Stressed, tense, I know I have too much to do and I'm too much of a perfectionist . . . but what do I do about it?  I've worked myself into such a frenzy that I've paralyzed myself.  And I feel time slipping away to do what I want to do.

[alliematt]

My stamina is gone today.  Last night I had a pity party because a group of altos in my praise team were standing around talking . . . and I wasn't included.  I don't think I was being deliberately excluded, but sometimes, I feel like the altos are a clique I will never really be part of.

And I know I should be concerned about current events, because they are going to directly affect my life and my son's life . . . but I don't have the stamina to care.  I'm going to let people do what they do and let the chips far where they may.  That's probably a victim mentality, but I just don't have the energy to fight.  (I also think I'm having an adrenal crash today due to a bad night's sleep.)