Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

alliematt · April 20, 2018, 01:56:44 PM

I give. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or believe about anything anymore.

sanmagic7 · April 20, 2018, 03:21:00 PM

o honey, all i can say is i'm standing right beside you. i hope you find your way through all this sooner rather than later. depression is horrible to be in cuz it distorts everything. and all that you are dealing with, the people and their beliefs and expectations of you, your son, your relationship - all of it. you are good enough being you, no matter what anyone might think or say.

i know you've heard that before, and maybe it sounds meaningless. i wish there was more i could do or say for you. just know i'm sending a hug filled with love and comfort.

alliematt · April 20, 2018, 03:47:45 PM

I'm sorry I can't seem to get any better and that people resort to telling me the same things over and over.

(I see another doc on Monday. I don't know if I will get a needle biopsy then or not.)

sanmagic7 · April 20, 2018, 03:59:01 PM

no need for apology, allie. this is not your fault. you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or anything negative at all. i just wish there was something i could do to help, to comfort, to reassure.

i hope the biopsy goes well. am thinking of you.

just got an idea - i have a candle of the virgin of guadalupe in my room - she is the patron saint of mexico, and is looked on as a protector. i'm lighting this candle for you, allie. know that love and protection are coming your way.

alliematt · April 20, 2018, 10:48:55 PM

My BFF things I let people take up space in my head that don't need to be there.

So who do I evict?

alliematt · April 21, 2018, 07:17:44 PM

Today I have coped by taking not just one, but TWO naps.

I needed the car today to take my son to a car wash our church was putting on.

My husband was working overtime.

I got up around 4:45 a.m. Took husband to work. Came back, took nap.

Got up around 7 a.m. Breakfast. Took child to church.

Got back around 8:30. Took nap.

Got up around 10:30.

Left a little after 11 to get MY car washed and pick up child.

Didn't leave church until after 1 p.m.

Got home close to two.

Ate lunch.

I will need to leave around 4 to get husband.

I'm exhausted already.

And in addition, I just feel so powerless. The bullies always win and there is nothing I can do about it.

sanmagic7 · April 21, 2018, 07:27:30 PM

you can evict anyone you want. maybe start small, see how that goes, what it feels like. i had a friend who taught me to visualize an opening in the floor, surrounded by a tube. when i needed to get out tension, thoughts, whatever, i could see that tube in my mind and watch whatever it was (usually stress, in my case) go down the tube and out of my life. it led to the universe, which, as far as i'm concerned, takes care of all those things quickly and easily. i use it to this day.

i think the idea of 'winning' means there's a competition. maybe that's something that can be evicted - the idea that you're in competition. i don't know - just a thought. you'd know better than me what would work best for you.

still sitting with you thru all this, allie. you're worth it. love and a gently 'evictual' hug.

alliematt · April 22, 2018, 04:27:12 PM

I watched Inside Out the other day. I'm reminded of the tube that Joy and Sadness got sucked into. :-)

Blueberry · April 22, 2018, 04:33:48 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2018, 07:27:30 PM
you can evict anyone you want. maybe start small, see how that goes, what it feels like.

Start small, start easy.

Your day on the 21st sounded like pretty much work and tasks/appointments. I'm not surprised you need naps. Good on you for taking them.

Sceal · April 23, 2018, 06:22:09 AM

I'm sending you some comforting thoughts and hugs, if that is okay.

alliematt · April 23, 2018, 06:02:34 PM

Quote from: Sceal on April 23, 2018, 06:22:09 AM
I'm sending you some comforting thoughts and hugs, if that is okay.

Thank you.

alliematt · April 26, 2018, 01:06:17 PM

Yesterday I had a breast biopsy, all for calcifications in my left breast that, magnified, are the size of the head of a pin.

Today I am sporting a bandage on my left breast, I slept in a bra, and I'm waiting to hear results. My surgeon said that there's an 85% chance that everything will be benign, but if there's anything there, it's kind of like a "Casper the Friendly Ghost" thing, where it just pops up and says, "boo!" and it's easy to get rid of.

While I'm mildly whining about having a biopsy and all the inconvenience, I'm both grateful and fascinated by the technology we have that can find such tiny, tiny things and can take care of them before they become a big problem!

Hope67 · April 26, 2018, 07:39:02 PM

Hi Alliematt,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok.

Hope

Sceal · April 26, 2018, 07:40:57 PM

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that everything goes well with the biopsy. And sending you a hug, if that's okay?

alliematt · April 27, 2018, 12:05:05 AM

I wanted to scream at my son today. I am so tired of him constantly talking about his TV shows. I don't always understand what he's saying, and he's not always capable of communicating in a way I can understand. I hate autism. I hate depression. Someone said it sounded like I needed a break, could I get away for an hour or so. I answered, if you could count tomorrow's chiropractic appointment as a break, yes, I can get away.

I'm such a people pleaser it's not even funny. My BFF says I need to stop worrying about what other people think. For the life of me, I don't know how to stop. I'm afraid of being hollered at and ganged up on. I don't know what to think or what to believe anymore, and telling me to "stop overthinking" doesn't really help.