Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Not having a good day. 

Part of it is because I didn't take my full dose of hormones last week.  What I think triggered me was this episode:

I sing on our church's praise team.  Not every person sings every single week, but we all at least try to show up on Wednesdays during our Wednesday church service.  to learn new music.  There are eight people who sing weekly, and they stay after church to rehearse for Sunday.

I'm an alto.  I'm not used to being an alto.  I don't feel very secure in singing alto, but my range is not high enough to be soprano.  The rest of the altos have been part of the praise team for several years, longer than I have.

Sometimes, when we sit together, it seems that the rest of the altos are friendly with each other, but they don't always include me in their conversations.  I feel left out.  When I talk to them individually, they are very, very friendly, and I do not think that anyone's deliberately trying to shun me.  But I feel shunned sometimes.  I feel like I felt in school, when I really was shunned by people. 

Wednesday, one of the altos commented on how most of the altos were there, and she gave others a hug . . . and she didn't hug me. 

And I felt left out and ignored. 

That was the trigger. 

It is dumb, it is stupid . . . but I am so tired of doing the mental work to tell myself, "People do not bully you on the praise team.  They don't bully you at church.  Just because they talk together doesn't mean you're being ignored."  It is so much work, and I'm just so tired of doing it.

[alliematt]

Due to certain current events in the news that have happened this week, I once again feel like I have to listen to everyone else's point of view but if I express mine, I'm going to be screamed at and shouted down.   

I feel like I always have to be understanding the other side but no one even tries to understand my side.

Where's the respect and understanding for my point of view?

Where's the understanding for my side?

[alliematt]

I have been mentally screaming for a week.  My head is just full of screaming.

"Leave me alone.  I'm angry.  I'm angry at everything.  Everyone lies.  Everyone can 'prove' they tell the truth.  I'm so tired of lying."

[alliematt]

It seems like the "side" I am usually on when it comes to current events ends up losing.  I'm tired and discouraged.  And I feel helpless.  I end up screaming at myself and I yelled at my BFF online.  While she's very understanding, I didn't like doing it to her. 

[alliematt]

I wrote an angry and frustrated blog post last night.  So tired of moving backwards.  So tired of not being able to figure things out.

[alliematt]

I feel like a criminal because I am white, Christian, conservative, and straight. 

[alliematt]

I have a cold, so I'm practicing self-care.  It includes orange juice and chocolate. 

And I made it through my son's high school graduation last night!

[alliematt]

What do you do when you don't know what to believe anymore?

I don't have a problem with God but I have a big problem with how he's been taught.  Everyone believes they are right and can "prove" it by Scripture, but they end up being opposed to each other.  They can't all be right.  So who is?  That's the loop that goes over and over in my head and I can't stop the loop.

[Three Roses]

I think an infinite God isn't going to fit neatly in anyone's package. I'm finding as I grow older, I'm defining God for myself and listening less to others.

[alliematt]

Not sleeping that well, and so tired of all the lies swirling around current events.   

I always seem to be on the side that loses and I feel like everything I think is somehow wrong. 

We will have to replace our roof; it will cost about $10,000 and I don't know where we're going to get the money.

I'm still paying back loans. 

I would love to travel and do other things but I feel shackled to this debt. 

And I can't even write on my current novel, which is now in its third draft. 

I am so tired.

I am so tired.

[alliematt]

Today I feel so angry and so overwhelmed.   

I'm not getting any better.

When am I ever going to get better?  

[Three Roses]

Recovery and healing comes in cycles like a spiral staircase. It's not linear, altho we would love it to be! Keep hanging on, alliematt, you're due for an upswing soon. 

[alliematt]

Today I am tired.  And I am ready to scream.  I have been screaming internally off and on for weeks now.  I want to scream at everyone, SHUT UP!!!  STOP IT!!! PLEASE!!!

EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE RIGHT!!!!
EVERYONE CAN PROVE IT!!!
SO WHO'S RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
AND I DON'T THINK ANYONE ELSE KNOWS!!!!
AND I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO EVEN FIND OUT ANYMORE!!!!!

[alliematt]

Friday night I went to bed and as part of my prayers, I pleaded for help. 

The next morning, I woke up and one of the first things I thought was that I'd been doing a lot of lying to myself, mainly saying that no one liked me and everyone lied.

It is true that not everyone likes me, because no one has everyone like them.  It's also true that there are many people who like me, and also true that the vast majority of people in the world don't even know I exist! 

I can't promise I'll never lie to myself again, but for right now, I'll learn from this episode and record it, so I can remember the truth.

And I've decided to read the Gospels.  If Jesus is God, the Gospels are where I can get to know him.

[Elphanigh]

I am so sorry that you have been going through such a rough time. It sounds though like you are going to learn from it, that shows such strength and wisdom! I know you can do it. I am right here with you if you need anything at all