Not having a good day.
Part of it is because I didn't take my full dose of hormones last week. What I think triggered me was this episode:
I sing on our church's praise team. Not every person sings every single week, but we all at least try to show up on Wednesdays during our Wednesday church service. to learn new music. There are eight people who sing weekly, and they stay after church to rehearse for Sunday.
I'm an alto. I'm not used to being an alto. I don't feel very secure in singing alto, but my range is not high enough to be soprano. The rest of the altos have been part of the praise team for several years, longer than I have.
Sometimes, when we sit together, it seems that the rest of the altos are friendly with each other, but they don't always include me in their conversations. I feel left out. When I talk to them individually, they are very, very friendly, and I
do not think that anyone's deliberately trying to shun me. But I feel shunned sometimes. I feel like I felt in school, when I really
was shunned by people.
Wednesday, one of the altos commented on how most of the altos were there, and she gave others a hug . . . and she didn't hug me.
And I felt left out and ignored.
That was the trigger.
It is dumb, it is stupid . . . but I am so tired of doing the mental work to tell myself, "People do not bully you on the praise team. They don't bully you at church. Just because they talk together doesn't mean you're being ignored." It is
so much work, and I'm just so tired of doing it.
