Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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Three Roses


alliematt


alliematt

My biggest problem is that I am afraid of losing my support system no matter what side I take on any particular issue. 

I''m trying to figure out who I will not lose no matter what.  I can think of two people; hubby and BFF.  (I guess my son counts as well. :-) )

Three Roses

I think too often people get stuck on defending their own point of view without realizing that everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint, and that there's room in this world for everyone to have their own interpretation of things like faith, friendship, etc. and we don't need to argue.

You deserve support and you deserve to be around supportive, inclusive people. You deserve to have your views heard without judgment or correction. Discussion is one thing, but browbeating congregants into agreeing and toeing the line is unacceptable in my viewpoint.

alliematt

Quote from: Three Roses on September 27, 2018, 03:59:49 PM
I think too often people get stuck on defending their own point of view without realizing that everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint, and that there's room in this world for everyone to have their own interpretation of things like faith, friendship, etc. and we don't need to argue.

You deserve support and you deserve to be around supportive, inclusive people. You deserve to have your views heard without judgment or correction. Discussion is one thing, but browbeating congregants into agreeing and toeing the line is unacceptable in my viewpoint. 

I'm glad you feel that way.  I fear losing my support system if I say what I think, feel, etc.  And among certain groups of people, it's been made very clear over and over again that views similar to the ones I hold are not welcome and not acceptable. I think I do a decent job of accepting that others have differing opinions than I do.  What I don't believe is that others accept that I have a different opinion from them. 

alliematt

What do you do when you are so overwhelmed you don't even know where to start?

Advice says, pick one small thing.  But I don't even know what small thing to pick.

Advice says, ask for help.  But I have experience in asking for help and hearing "no", so too often, I give up trying.  The evening that I had my chest pain episode, I had had a horrendous day with my son--I had to take him to his work site because he  missed the bus, and when I shared that with my husband, he asked what he could do to help.  I asked him how much he knew about making grilled cheese sandwiches, which was that night's.  His answer:  "Very little."

It's GRILLED CHEESE, for goodness' sake.  GRILLED CHEESE!

That just seems to be a metaphor right now.  I feel so overwhelmed, and people sometimes offer help and sympathy, but the help I need, I rarely get, and I'm at the point where I don't know what I need or who to ask!  Just like asking for help for something as simple as GRILLED CHEESE and being told, I can't help you there!

And then I end up complaining and whining to people about how bad I have it . . . and deep down, there is this belief that, things are this way, they must be this way, they will be this way, and no matter what I do or say, things will never, ever, ever change. 

We talked about saying no and setting margins and boundaries in my ladies' group today.  I don't even know what I'm supposed to start with! 

What is it that I'm supposed to do?  I.  Don't.  Know!


Sceal

Dear Allie.
It's an awful thing when you feel so overwhelmed that seeing clearly is impossible. I'm sending you some strength and kind thoughts.

I do think you have started doing one thing though, you came on here and you wrote down your frustration. And you're asking the question "what am I supposed to do?". it's an important question, even if finding the answer is too far away.

Saying no is so hard, could you say no to your husband about making dinner? That he's an adult too, he'll have to fix it tonight? Or tell him to google how to make grilled cheese?

Deep Blue

Quote from: Sceal on October 03, 2018, 05:54:51 AM
Saying no is so hard, could you say no to your husband about making dinner? That he's an adult too, he'll have to fix it tonight? Or tell him to google how to make grilled cheese?
:yeahthat:

sanmagic7

i'm with sceal and deep blue on this, allie.   asking for a simple job to be done and getting shut down - i've been there too often in the past, and it feels pathetic.    i hope your hub will figure it out next time you ask for help.   i don't know if you have to stick to a meal plan or anything, but maybe he could choose something to make that he knows how to do - like heat up a can of soup and make some toast!

sending love and a hug filled with strength and clarity.  i agree that even asking the question is a step in the right direction.  maybe put a bunch of 'small things' in a hat and randomly pull one out.  then the decision is made for you.  don't know if that would work for you or not - just something off the top of my head. 

alliematt

My husband and I had such a horrible time trying to get a sitter for our son so we could go to couple's counseling, I finally stopped asking for people to help.  We wound up taking him with us.  (He sat in the waiting room and actually did OK.)  It's very hard for me to ask people for help and when I finally get up the courage to ask and I hear, no, it makes it that much harder for me to ask again.  I understand that sometimes people say "no" because they can't help.  It's not something personal.  But it still doesn't make it any easier to ask.

I can remember twice when I asked my mother something and she said no.  The first time was when I'd asked if I could spend the night with someone and she said, "No!"  Now, in context, these were people she did not know (they lived next door to my aunt and uncle) and now that' I'm a parent, I definitely understand her saying no. 

The second time was me getting the courage up to ask if I could go over to someone's house and she said, no. 

I know it was only twice, but it was enough for me to start being afraid to ask to go anyplace because I was afraid of hearing no.  (Thinking about it, I realize that there were times I'm sure I asked my parents "can I do?" and they said "yes", but I can still remember being afraid to ask, "will you do this for me/take me someplace" because I didn't want to hear "no".)

I am afraid to ask for help because I don't want to hear, "No!" in such a way that I'm sorry I asked or "yes" in such a way that I'm making the other person feel like they're really being put out.   And in the case of trying to apply for assistance for my son, sometimes I have heard "no" and I feel like I have to fight for something that I shouldn't have to. 

I'm worn out.  I'm constantly complaining about being worn out.  sometimes I think I'd rather whine than try to change things.  Change is just so.much.work and I just don't have the energy for it. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:


Deep Blue

Allie,
In my opinion, asking for help can be VERY hard! The prospect of hearing something you don't want to hear as a response only adds to the fear.

I don't think you are complaining.  It's natural to let out a little steam here.  Sometimes once the pressure is off a little, it can help us clear our heads a bit and build up to trying to fix the problem.  I think writing here is a good starting point.  Take care
Deep Blue

alliematt

And yet again, I have had a bad day, and I haven't even had lunch yet.

I'm typing this at the library because the computer runs faster here than it does on my home wi-fi (i.e., I'm writing this on a library computer.)
I gained weight this week.
I got FIVE emails from the lady I proofed for pointing out mistakes I made on the transcript I proofed. I have never let that many mistakes go in all the time I've been proofing for her.
My son is making comments about friends that makes me think he feels lonely, and I can't solve that problem for him.
We just paid property taxes this week. Our bank account is low (husband gets paid tomorrow), there's stuff that needs to be done and that I want to do and that we can't afford to do.
My doc says I need to exercise because of my weight. Well, my knee hurts, so I can't walk, and I will probably have to go to the doc about that AND I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YET ANOTHER TRIP TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT SOMETHING!!! He suggested non-weight bearing exercise, like water aerobics, swimming,or an exercise bike. Well, our public pool costs money that we don't have, an exercise bike costs money that we don't have, and while the gym at church IS free, it takes a half hour to get there, and I live in an area where traffic jams are legendary!
My husband's computer has been in the shop. Yesterday he asked me to go pick it up. I had a chiropractor's appointment yesterday and when I remembered that I needed to get the computer, I literally prayed for the energy to drive the interstate, make the exit, turn left, turn right, walk into the door, get computer, walk out the door, and drive home.
And I have more pages to proof that are due Monday.
And do NOT get me started on current events.
And husband has the day off on Monday, and I'm going to tell him that we ARE going to work on some of our son's paperwork, so please put the laptop AWAY!

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
:'( :stars:
:'( :'( :'( :'(
:bawl: :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
:blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup:
:sharkbait: -- this last one is because I FEEL like shark bait!

sanmagic7

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

just to let you know, i'm with you in spirit, allie.   love and hugs, sweetie.

Three Roses


alliematt

Saturday I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and went to dinner with my husband.  We had a very good time.  Tomorrow is my silver wedding anniversary and it was worth celebrating!