Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Well, on Saturday, guess who went to put her PJ's on and couldn't find the estrogen patch on her skin that she needed to change? 



Whenever I have a meltdown, that should be the first thing I check.  Arrrgh.

But in good news, I have plenty of work to get paid for! 

Christmas was nice.  My husband's still on furlough.  I may give him so many chores to do that he'll be begging to go back to his job!

[Three Roses]

  

[Hope67]

Sending you a hug, if that's ok, Alliematt 
Hope 

[alliematt]

Happy New Year, all!! 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

happy new year, allie. 

thinking of you in the midst of this shutdown.  hope it ends soon.  love and hugs.

[alliematt]

I did the math recently, and I just did the math again so I could write this post.

I was bullied throughout most of my 12 years of school.

There are 180 days in a school year.

Multiply 180 by 12, and you come out with 2,160 days.

I wasn't in school all of those days (count illness and other absences). 

But even if I missed, let's say, about 160 days over 12 years . . . and I had one instance of bullying on the remaining days . . . that's 2,000 times I was bullied over 12 years.

In college, from the date of my baptism into the church I was part of until the day I graduated from college with my master's degree and left, it was 1,858 days. That was almost 2,000 days of dealing with some form of spiritual abuse, whether it was being interrogated on how I spent my time, or being asked what I was reading in the Bible, or being asked if I invited anyone to an event that day, or feeling badly because I didn't live up to what I thought were God's expectations of me.

I also did the math on how many days it's been since my son was diagnosed with autism. 

Counting today, it's been 6,073 days. 

That's roughly 4,000 days of dealing with some form of abuse and over 6,000 days of dealing with autism.

One of them would have been bad enough.

But both?

This is just my way of finally coming to the conclusion that yes, it was that bad.

And I'm really having a hard time saying that yes, it was that bad because I keep saying, "Well, at least I wasn't assaulted." "At least no  one beat me up." "At least I wasn't . . ."

But it was.  It was that bad. 

And now that I'm coming to that conclusion, what do I do with it?

Because there has got to be a better way to spend my life that sitting around whining about how bad I had it!

[sanmagic7]

i think that realization is a really big thing, allie.  tough, but good.  the idea that you can now see that it was that bad is a first step, to my mind, of making changes.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[woodsgnome]

Alliematt, your post is an interesting, validating, and dovetails with a theme that developed during my therapy session today -- that yes, I don't want to live solely from past hurts, but it's all I had for a starting point, and when I think about it, it gets overwhelming and they continue to haunt me, even given all that I've done in spite of that raw start.

Part of me says okay, they're only thoughts, but these seem to have flags attached saying "we're your life, ha ha". It's going to take a lot, but as san says, having the self-realization of how bad it really was can be a huge step, all on its own. It was enormous, all of what you say and those of us drifting along know too well as well.

So that's one saving grace, not being alone. Even though we're 'out here' someplace, we're here to hear and be helpful for each other.

And now, I'd love to have that magic word or something that would turn the corner to 'happily ever after'. I don't know about that, but it can only start with 'happily right now'. I know, that old bromide one step at a time. But what else is there? I think you're further along now, though; it might not seem like much, but it's something ... it's a good deal  to at least get that far.

[alliematt]

I think we ALL want the magic word to hear and to say that will lead to "happily ever after."  Unfortunately, it's just not there. 

And some days, it's not just "a day at a time".  It's second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.

And I think that's true for all of us.

[alliematt]

(minor political content, read at your own risk)

I am really discouraged about the lack of progress with this shutdown.  And the anger and division just seems to have no end.  There just seems to be no way to have a civil conversation about anything.  I was asked online (not in OOTS) why I hated a particular group of people.  I don't hate that group.  I just have a problem with their behavior, and it was the words "have a problem with" that apparently caused this person to think I hated them.  (That person blocked me while I was on my way to block them.) 

This is what happens when I get my head too deep into social media.  I need to go back to the work I was doing today which will earn us a paycheck.

[alliematt]

I still have some discouragement about this shutdown.  My political disgust is still bipartisan.   

On the other hand, I came home today and was greeted with THREE checks: 

One from my regular at home work.
One from an abandoned property claim.
One from a small amount of stock (the dividend totaled less than $5.00).

This was a nice morale booster.   

[alliematt]

Depression has reared its ugly head again.  It seems that everyone lies and it's impossible to figure out who's telling the truth.  I think I'm exasperating everyone because of my constant struggle with depression.

[alliematt]

I am afraid of losing my friends over differences of opinion.  Last night I had a horrible meltdown with my BFF on the phone.  I think there might be a chemical problem,but I don't know what it might be. 

Everyone seems to hate each other and it's never going to get any better.

And I have screwed up so many times in my life that I can't forget them and I can't forgive myself for them, either. 

[alliematt]

It may be over.  The government MAY be reopening, at least for three weeks.  I'm not holding my breath until my husband gets an official notification.