Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Not Alone]

Allie, so sorry it is so hard right now. Are there some things that you can do to bring yourself a little comfort; even small things like a cup of tea, a blanket, lotion, light a candle. Sending you a caring hug. 

[alliematt]

After yesterday's events in the US, I am not triggered, but I am terribly saddened. 

I did a lot of work for pay over the weekend and am taking today off.  We just got a new bathtub last week and moved everything out of the bathroom to make room for it.  Now everything has to be moved BACK into the bathroom. 

And I've gone on a semi-spending orgy at Bed, Bath and Beyond because, hey, if you're going to have a new bathtub, you MUST get new accessories for it.  Right?   

[sanmagic7]

absolutely! 

and, i feel the same as you, allie - so very sad, even disheartened. 

glad you took today off, doing a bit of physical stuff for a change, especially sprucing up around that new tub.  yay!!!   

keep going, sweetie.  standing right there with you.  sending love and a hug full of bathroom delights.

[alliematt]

My #1 problem these days is not dealing with the past (and I said this to my counselor yesterday.)  It's dealing with the "stuff I gotta do now" that is so overwhelming at times! 

And that is a problem that people without C-PTSD have to deal with! 

(My poor counselor told me that she's being treated for migraines.  At the end of the session, I suggested that she charge me 24.95 instead of 25.00 -- my copay -- because since I was listening to her, she owed me five cents, which is what Peanuts' Lucy charges at her psychiatry booth!)

[alliematt]

Sneaking back in. 

Our church is having a meeting on Sunday where I think some major changes will be announced.  I think women are going to be teaching and preaching alongside men, and for my particular group of churches, that is BIG. 

I'm very nervous about discord within our congregation and within the larger church community, and I am afraid of getting into a fight with close friends. 

I'm also dealing with anxiety because I've started a new diet plan and changed a lot of the foods I eat . . . and my son just.does.not.get. why we aren't doing the "usual menus".  I'm making food for myself, and sometimes my husband will eat what I'm eating, but my son will not.  And lately, he's been obsessing about "the usual menus".  I also need to take him to the ENT for the third time this month to get impacted ear wax removed.  Last week I had something scheduled every single day and I was exhausted by Monday.

Between son's obsessions, a new diet, and fear about this upcoming change, yes, I am overwhelmed.  And this morning I've already done an hour of proofing and my sound program was acting up, as it's been doing for the last two-three weeks.  I needed to order a new foot pedal (which will help in rewinding  and fast forwarding) and it's not going to arrive for another 10 days.  In the meantime, I have to point and click with the mouse and that's very time-consuming.  Yeah, I am overwhelmed!

[Blueberry]

It's good to have you back Allie, but I'm sorry about the  overwhelm. 

[alliematt]

Husband, at the moment, is making a simple dinner for himself and son.  I have cabbage rolls in the fridge to heat up.  (Cooked cabbage wrapped around a meat mixture.)

ENT appointment went well and I think that's the LAST one for a while. 

The rest?  Well, I can't do too much about that. 

My major problem at the moment is not that "Allie had a crappy past" (although there were places I did and there are ways it affects me now.)  My major problem at the moment is, "I have too much to do and it's causing me anxiety." 

[alliematt]

(Possible trigger for religious/spiritual content)

I read a Bible verse this morning that helped me.  It says, "If on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."  I think I may use this verse on people who disagree with what our church decides to do.

[sanmagic7]

hey, allie, nice to see you back.

so very sorry for all you're dealing with.  i hope the whole church thing goes smoothly for you.  i think that bible verse sounds like it might be very helpful as far as change goes.  i'm glad you found it.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and support.   

[alliematt]

The results of our church meeting were what I had expected:  women will not be participating much more in the leadership of our church.  My church has been mostly "male only" leadership so this change is VERY big.  It was not done lightly -- in fact, nearly two years of study went into this decision -- and I felt the decision was communicated with respect for where people may be.

For those of you who are not religious or Christian, feel free to skip over this entry. :-)   

Reaction so far has been positive, but we will be in for an interesting road ahead.  Change is always hard and this is a MAJOR change here.

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
Glad to hear there was a positive reaction so far. 
Hope 

[alliematt]

Happy Monday after Thanksgiving to those in the USA, and happy Monday to everyone outside of the USA (or Tuesday if you're over the date line.)

While I had a good, relaxing Thanksgiving, coming back to the day-by-day has me a bit overwhelmed.  Specifically, I have over 200 pages of work to do, the car needs to be serviced, and my son is in possession of a watch that I don't know how he came by, and he either can't or won't tell me where he got it.  His verbal skills are such that I'm not sure how to ask the question to get the response I need. 

When I feel overwhelmed, I feel very tense with butterflies in the stomach, and I don't want to do anything except zone out in front of the computer or TV.  I read somewhere that "zoning out" and feeling paralyzed could be the sign of a panic attack.  I don't sweat, get short of breath, and feel like I want to die . . . but I do "zone out", and I do feel paralyzed with "everything I have to do".  Is it possible that this could be a panic attack?

[Snookiebookie2]

Alliematt

I'm sorry you are experiencing this and feeling this way.  It sounds like there are lots of things on your plate and you are dealing with a lot.

You sound really overwhelmed and I hear you.  I understand why you feel how you do and I also think its reasonable to feel exhausted and frustrated.

I hope you can make some time for youself and some self care.   

[alliematt]

Yesterday on FB, while reading a page devoted to survivors of types of religious abuse, I was metaphorically slapped in the face with the definition of C-PTSD. 

The definition that applied to me was "C-PTSD is associated with .  . . Victims of bullying . . . Defectors of cult or cult-like organizations . . . Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such.). (Ellipses are mine.)

That is me.

I was a victim of bullying.
I was in a cult-like church and I left it.
And both situations lacked a viable escape route. 

And in a sense, the situation with my son is one that "lacks a viable escape route".  I love him and would do nearly anything for him, but the only "escape route" is abandoning him or one of us dying, and barring unforeseen circumstances, I do not see either of those things happening in the near future.  (Obviously, one of us is going to die eventually.).

I have been in semi-denial, wondering, "Is this really it?  Is this really what I have?"

After yesterday, I don't think there's any more doubt.  The depression, tenseness, anxiety, the feeling like someone's constantly hovering over me, ready to scold me for something I've done or not done.  The "zoning out", disappearing into a world of imaginary friends and characters (i.e. disassociation.).  This is it.  This is it, this is what I have, this is why I have it.

I feel really angry at the moment, really sad, maybe this is part of grieving the life I have lost.  I will give myself credit for processing this at a computer keyboard.  I am not angrily throwing things and I am not screaming at people who didn't do anything wrong.  I have actually survived pretty decently.  I'm reasonably kind and compassionate, I hope I have not turned into a bully, I have a master's degree, made a living, married a good guy, and my son is also kind and compassionate. 

I did figure a "way out" by leaving the town I grew up in and the bullies there, and I did figure a "way out" by leaving the place I went to college and going somewhere else, and I did figure a "way out" by telling my husband right before we got married that we needed to leave the city and situation we were in.

The current situation we are in, with our son's autism and with the debt we are dealing with, and with my various health problems, there's really no "escape" from that except going through it.  We're paying back debt and we are helping our son be as independent as possible.

This metaphorical slap in the face has just sent me reeling somewhat.  Oddly, I'm not totally overwhelmed and I don't really feel like I'm drowning.  I just feel more angry than anything else.  I think it's a healthy anger against what was taken from me. 

Now I want my life.

[woodsgnome]

I hope this is okay --    . Sadly, it's never enough, is it? I wish it could be more, but I hope it provides one little moment of relief.