Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

My usual problem is feeling overwhelmed.  I posted on the website for the diet plan I'd been following and said I was going to drop out for a while.  Now I'm getting messages back saying, "Please reconsider!"  The plan has helped me lose weight . . . but it is SO.MUCH.WORK. and I just feel too stressed to do it. 

I keep getting  triple digit proofing work which I HAVE to do in order to earn money and pay back debt. 

Dealing with son is difficult, as usual.

i'm supposed to be a writer and I'm not writing.

My house is a mess.

As a Christian, I'm supposed to be "in the Word" but even that is overwhelming. 

There have been times today I've just felt frozen.  I did chocolate and Hallmark therapy today. 

The words "I feel overwhelmed" have become a permanent part of my vocabulary and I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

[sanmagic7]

my dear allie,

you have so much to deal with, it's no wonder you're overwhelmed.  sending love and a hug filled with support and strength.  as much as possible.

[alliematt]

I'm so ashamed.  I haven't been here in over two months and it doesn't seem like a lot's changed for me.  I come here demanding support and draining people dry, but when do I give support to other people?

I proofread over 360 pages this weekend, doing it while I had "crashed" energy-wise.  Last week I read an article about the lack of services for autistic adults, and someone had written the comments that without services, those adults spend "their lonely days" with the TV or computer.  That phrase makes me want to cry.  I'm afraid that's what's going to happen to my son, and I just don't have any energy anymore to deal with autism and with my own mental health.  It just never stops.  Ever. 

I went on a meal plan, lost weight, and now I've gained a lot of it back because the plan was just too much work.  I weigh too much but it's too much work to diet. 

It's too much.  Everything is just too much.

[Snowdrop]

Please don't feel guilty about needing support. You have so much going on, and I completely get that everything feels too much.

I hope you are able to make some time for yourself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, allie,

i don't see your postings here as 'demanding' support.  this is a place for you, and people choose what they want to do.  i've never seen a demand from you, ever.

i totally agree with what snowdrop said.  you've put in a lot of effort to keep your son involved socially, etc.  it's a shame on society that more resources aren't available to those who need them.  just want you to know that you're welcome to come here and unload anything that helps you.  you are a valuable person, even when you don't feel like it.  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring.

[Not Alone]

Allie,
Sorry it is all so hard. I don't think you are demanding and it is okay for you to have needs and to ask for support. I understand the losing and gaining weight. Frustrating.

[alliematt]

This evening my son asked my how my ladies' group was, and then said, I wish I were part of the church family.

I went over to him and told him, you are.  You are just as much a part of that family as your dad and I are.  Most of the people I know would agree with me. 

This is just something I can't "fix".  Maybe I need a good cry.  I don't know.  I don't know what i need, what I want, how to help my son, where to get resources . . . I'm drained dry. 

Back several years ago, I said out loud in a church caregivers class (a class for people doing caregiving) that I needed help, and I needed a specific type of help.  I spoke privately to the person who was doing the class, who is a staff member where I attend church, and he said to me that there was a difference between asking for help and demanding it.  I think that's what he thought I was doing.

Thing is, a friend of mine had told me not too long before that I needed to get "more aggressive" about asking for help and that yes, she was talking about the church.  But when I got aggressive, I was told that I was demanding. 

The particular need I had has gone away over the years, but that particular incident still smarts.  I have no idea when/if I'm demanding, too aggressive, etc.

What I want is a guaranteed spot for my son to go to when his dad and I are gone and enough money to pay for it.  Then I wouldnt' necessarily have to worry about what's going to happen to him.  But knowing me, I'd wonder if it would all work out!! 

[sanmagic7]

sometimes, people put their own read on what someone says, allie.  i just can't picture you as 'demanding'.  i think the way you went about it was completely appropriate - special needs must be specified or you won't get the help that fits the situation.  if someone thinks that's aggressive, then i don't think they understand the notion of giving care.  care giving is kind of a catch-all phrase, and a lot of people have their own definition of such.  giving care takes into consideration who and what and how individually. 

maybe you do need a good cry.  if that's the case, i hope you're able to do so, and just let all the frustration out.  sending a hug filled with love and support.

[alliematt]

Well, I didn't do the "good cry" but I do feel somewhat better this morning.  I use estrogen cream twice a week and last night was one of the nights I use it.  It does make me wonder if this bout of depression was hormonally related.  It's embarrassing when I spout off in the middle of a depressive cycle and when my head gets straightened out again, I realize how off the wall and over the top some of my comments and thought are. 

Anyhow, I appreciate the comments and listening ears. 

[sanmagic7]

glad you're feeling a bit better.  those pesky hormones can certainly wreak havoc w/ our moods!  love and hugs, allie.

[alliematt]

Woke up drained dry.  I think it's because of a job that I was doing.  I was asked, could I proof over the weekend? I said, no.  This is a day I"m just plain tired of everything and where I just feel totally powerless.  Nothing I do matters. 

:    

[alliematt]

Put my foot down and said that I wasn't taking work for the next two days.  And I am resting.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, allie!  way to take your own power back!   love and hugs!

[alliematt]

Is anyone besides me stuck in semi-quarantine?  My son's out of school at the moment and doing digital learning.  My husband's been sick the last few days (not with THAT!) and I'm still working and grateful, although dealing with a hard deadline AND my son's questions about his assignment got me very frustrated.  A nap helped. 

[alliematt]

Please remind me that murder is illegal.  Our brand new microwave isn't working, my son is very tense when dealing with his online assignments, my husband is wanting certain attention that I can't always give him right that second, and when it comes to technology, I am the one having to handle it!

My feelings are more of a function of the frustration of being in semi-quarantine at the moment.  I do not seriously plan to murder anyone.