Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[sanmagic7]

allie, i can relate to so much of what you're going thru, and i'm really sorry you're in such distress.   i've gone back and forth with the weight/body image thing, the exercise thing, the bible thing, and the 'trying to do it right' thing as well.  i'm beginning to come to terms with these but it's taken some time and changes in perspective.

i can't afford all that 'better for you' food either, so i've decided it's something i can't control, and i just eat the best i can the foods that agree with my  system.  i'd love to do lots of veggies and fruits every day, but my system doesn't take well to that.   we're all so different.

i walk when i'm able at my own pace.  i've accepted that i'm not a power walker, nor is it productive for me to rigidly do it every day.  when my energy level says it's ok to do so, that's when i do it.  i'll probably never lose weight this way, but i'm pretty healthy as far as all the tests say, so my body is ok for me the way it is. 

i have my own ideas about the bible, ones that fit for me, and that i am comfortable with.   my spirituality comes from my own beliefs rather than what someone wrote.

all these took some time to get to, and i'd be lying if i said that i didn't still sometimes struggle with them.  i've had to change perspectives from what i'd been taught or what society has deemed 'right' to make them my own.  it's helped me, tho, to diminish that confusion and distress that would plague me in a big way.

i do hope you find your way through these mazes of should, must, or expectations of right and wrong.   they are so upsetting, so demoralizing at times, and often feel like we're trapped inside them with no way out.  i believe that our way out is to construct our own doorway, knocking down walls that obstruct us from it as we keep moving.  sending you a big hug full of warmth and comfort.  hope to see you on the porch later.  i'll be picking flowers for my hair, checking the garden for ripe veggies, and generally enjoying just being with everyone here. 

[alliematt]

I probably need to go back to the porch.

Today I did tackle paper clutter; I filed away paper and threw away some. 

But I just feel so discouraged over the current events of the last several days.  My mother is now in rehab getting her leg worked on.  That is good.  Other stuff about which I can do nothing?  That discourages me, because those events do affect me; and also, I feel as if everyone else's comments and opinions count except for mine.  I'd love to build a hobbit hole and go hide.

[alliematt]

Well, I just got told that I needed to be careful railing against a particular group because they were the ones responsible for helping people like my son.  (The person who told me this was not here on this board.)

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT??
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
I DON'T KNOW!!!!
I CAN'T DEBATE!!!
I CAN'T ARGUE!!!
EVERYONE ELSE WINS BUT ME!!!!
EVERYONE CAN SAY WHAT THEY WANT BUT ME!!!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER PEOPLE'S ARGUMENTS!!!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
WHY CAN EVERYONE ELSE DEBATE AND I CAN'T??
WHY?
WHY AM I THE ONE THAT HAS TO CHANGE?
NO ONE ELSE DOES!
JUST ME!
I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH EVERYTHING!
EVERYONE ELSE IS RIGHT AND I'M WRONG!
AND I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!!!

[alliematt]

And of course, it's MY FAULT because I SHOULDN'T HAVE POSTED WHAT I POSTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!

IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT!  IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!
ALWAYS!
IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT!
NEVER!
IT'S ALWAYS MINE!!!
ALWAYS!
I ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO, SAY, BE!!!
AND I WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE CRITICIZED!
BUT I CAN'T DO THE CRITICIZING!!!!
I HAVE TO BE NICE AND SWEET AND GOOD!
BUT NO ONE HAS TO TREAT ME THAT WAY!

[alliematt]

I think what is making me so angry is this:  I'm getting the impression that people can treat me any way they want to, and I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.  NOTHING.

I couldn't do anything about it when I was being bullied and I couldn't do anything about it when I was being spiritually abused. 

And now I can't do anything when people disagree with me and I HAVE NO RESPONSE.

THEY ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I NEVER DO.

[sanmagic7]

o, allie, i am so with you on this.  you've been able to put into words what i've only had in my head.  it's so frustrating, so infuriating, so frickin' unfair.

i'm terrible at thinking on my feet, terrible at debating.  it has seemed that every time i've gotten angry about something, i've had it slammed in my face 10 times harder.  as much as i've usually tolerated anger from others, because i believe we all have a right to get angry at times, i've rarely ever had that same courtesy paid me.

it totally sucks.

i've got no words of wisdom for you, just want to let you know you're not alone with this.   it's happened to me too many times in my life.  i've ended up backing away from most everyone.   i couldn't take it anymore, either.   big hug to you, allie.  sounds like we might be in the same boat on this one. 

[Three Roses]

  to you, allie. We will listen. We won't tell you you're wrong.

[alliematt]

I have opinions about who should pay for health care.  I'd rather not get into details because that delves into politics, and I want to respect the differences that I know we have. 

Some years ago, I was told on an email list that because of my opinions about who should pay for health care, I didn't care too much about my son with autism. 

Frankly, I was offended and insulted, and I said so. 

It was made very clear to me by other members of that group that the other person was "trying to make a point" and that I shouldn't be "so insulted". 

I ended up leaving that group.  And I'm still angry about what was said.  I don't wish the people ill, but I really resent being told that I don't care about my son. 

And even though I don't like having to take advantage of certain programs to help with health care, what it all boils down to is, it's necessary in order to pay for stuff. 

Because of my feelings and beliefs, I feel like a hypocrite because I don't want to use the programs but find myself in a position where I need to.  I don't mean to sound obtuse, but I also don't want to be offensive to people. 

[alliematt]

I have survived and I do feel better!!! 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

yay, you!

[alliematt]

Here's my frustration on self-care, specifically exercise:

I tried walking, and then pulled a muscle in my calf.
So I switched to swimming, and then my schedule ended up crowding out the time I had blocked out to go swimming.  And right now, I am dealing with a skin rash (probably eczema) so I'm not really sure I can go to the pool.
There's bike riding, but I need to blow up my tires.
And I can't afford a gym.
Our church has an exercise room, and I walked the treadmill there on Monday.
The day after, I got up, was exhausted, then went back to bed for two hours.
And it's a 30 minute drive one way to the building.
So what do I do?

[sanmagic7]

i used to do dance moves while watching tv.  totally low impact, was barely moving my legs, but got my arms, head, and torso going and i could work up a sweat like that (if that's your goal).  any kind of movement, really, will help. 

i know it can get frustrating.  i also used to walk back and forth slowly in front of the tv for 20 min. or so when i couldn't walk outdoors anymore.  again, very low impact, forwards and backwards.  i felt like it was better than nothing, could do it in increments if i wanted, and no pressure on myself to go a certain speed, etc.

don't know if that helps.  there were also a lot of days when i'd do too much, so i couldn't do anything the next day either.  it ended up being kind of an experiment so as to find a balance of how much time my system could take without crashing the next day.  i also added light weights, lifting while i sat in my rocker watching tv.   it worked fine for me - was able to increase both reps and sets, and even went up a pound in weights.  then i moved, and i haven't quite gotten back on track yet.  small steps, right?   big hug, allie, and i hope you find something that suits you.

[alliematt]

My BFF is coming to visit today, and while I'll be glad to see her, I'm very anxious.

I thought we had an inflatable bed, but my husband couldn't find it.  He's offered to sleep on the floor in the living room and let BFF and I have the bed.  I'd rather not because I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone else besides DH.  I just ordered an inflatable bed for pickup today at Walmart.  I need to get more groceries.  And our upstairs toilet needs a new valve.  And I need to make clam chowder for tonight.  And I didn't go to Weight Watchers because I can't find my book for it.  Tomorrow I am helping with a baby shower and I need to get a fruit plate that will help feed 35 people.  I also need to get a gift bag for my shower gift (I ended up getting her some baby wipes.) 

My BFF is worried about me and I also worry about her.  We are both dealing with high levels of stress.  She is caregiver for her mom-in-law, who lives with her and her husband, and at times she feels trapped.  She's also very concerned about a young man who's like a son to her and who has been dealing with serious legal problems.  LIke me, she's a writer, and she's having a rough time finding time to write.  (I'm having the same problem.)  Neither of us like the state of current affairs in our country.  She's not quite as pessimistic as I am, though.

We both belong to the same denomination, but there are things my particular church group does that hers does not, and with some practices, people feel so strongly that they have actually left places that have changed worship styles.  I don't want to argue with BFF about the way we do things at our church.  On the other hand, I'm so anxious about ANY sort of disagreement with anyone that I fear I am projecting my fear onto her.   

My anxiety symptoms are extreme tension all over the body and butterflies in the stomach.  I end up talking too much, probably too fast, and say things that are silly and don't make a lot of sense.  Arrgh.

[sanmagic7]

allie, like wife2 would say, 'breathe'.  one breath in, one breath out, and again till you can slow yourself down.  even reading about all the things on your mind about your bff coming to visit was exhausting to me.   i just hope you can enjoy each other while she's with you, and everything goes smoothly.  best to you.  big hug.