Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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paul72

Hi alliematt
I would really resent that implication too. The guilt thrown at you about church/God really resonates too.
I thought it was normal to turn the other cheek... if not normal, at least it was "right".
Anyway.. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I think that is very courageous :)
hope you find some peace and joy today

Chaos rains

I'm a little late to weigh in here, but I feel angry for you, Allie. No one should suggest that it's your own fault for not fighting back when being bullied! Blaming the victim is so inappropriate any time, but especially when the victim is a small child. I suspect that they have no idea what bullying really is, how it hurts down to the depth of your soul and makes you feel too undeserving to fight back. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve to hear your important story. I am so sorry. Keep telling us about it because it helps so much, for me at least, to know that I was not the only one to be bullied as a small child by people who should have known better and been kinder to us.

alliematt

Quote from: Chaos rains on April 16, 2022, 11:18:01 PM
I'm a little late to weigh in here, but I feel angry for you, Allie. No one should suggest that it's your own fault for not fighting back when being bullied! Blaming the victim is so inappropriate any time, but especially when the victim is a small child. I suspect that they have no idea what bullying really is, how it hurts down to the depth of your soul and makes you feel too undeserving to fight back. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve to hear your important story. I am so sorry. Keep telling us about it because it helps so much, for me at least, to know that I was not the only one to be bullied as a small child by people who should have known better and been kinder to us.

It's never "too late" to weigh in!  :thumbup: :thumbup:


DevinEvePhoenix

I just want to say that I am really new to this website and happy to find this active journal. I'm hoping to find something of a community with people like me--something I'm just starting to learn about an understand. Thank you so so much for sharing your experience.

alliematt

My morale feels like it's been sucked into a sinkhole, especially for the last two years. Yesterday I saw the urologist for a condition there's no cure for; I have to soon do my labs for an endocrinologist visit (where I will be reminded I need to walk every day, which I can't seem to find the time for!); I still deal with my son's autism day in, day out; my husband and I don't always agree on politics, and I'm having a very hard time figuring out who I can trust anymore. People lie or twist the truth just enough to make it believable. And I'm exhausted from trying to figure stuff out.

Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
Feeling like you're being sucked into a sinkhole regarding your morale, and reading all the things you're dealing with, it's such a lot to deal/cope with.  I'm sorry that you're having those experiences with people, and finding them hard to trust.  I agree it's hard to know what people's intentions are, but I hope that you will come across some more trustworthy people. 

:hug:
Hope  :)


alliematt

There's got to be something I can change. I've skimmed over my journal entries here and they keep sounding the same theme:  I'm exhausted and depressed. I overslept this morning. We just paid a big Federal tax bill and it's going to take a while to make it up (just in time to pay home insurance and property taxes!) 

Armee

There is a lot on your shoulders. I had a lot on my shoulders. I eventually broke down which was kinda the best possible thing for me because it wasn't going to let go of anything on my own. I wonder if there's something you can let go of before you hit the full breakdown stage?

alliematt

Quote from: Armee on May 10, 2022, 04:50:32 AM
There is a lot on your shoulders. I had a lot on my shoulders. I eventually broke down which was kinda the best possible thing for me because it wasn't going to let go of anything on my own. I wonder if there's something you can let go of before you hit the full breakdown stage?

That is a good question and I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what I can let go. Saturday I did my chore list with "a lick and a promise" because I just wasn't up to doing more. My husband was also sick over the weekend (he's back to work today.)

(content warning for violence below)

I'm in shock from the weekend's violence. I don't live in any of the places that were affected but I have seen the news alerts. One of the places affected was a CHURCH. And it's not the first time a church has been affected. I have gone to my own church and wondered, what would I do if someone came here and started shooting? My son works in a supermarket. How do I talk to him about being safe without scaring the poor kid to death?  (I think my reaction to what happened over the weekend is definitely normal; what I'm worried about is that there have been so many violent events in the last few years that I've gone numb, and I don't like it.)

I also had a bad night's sleep with very weird, vivid dreams. I'm still recovering.

Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that you have been able to have some better sleep - I know you had a very bad night, with the recent events. 
Hope

alliematt

On Tuesday (before certain events happened), I got very, very angry over, of all things, the guidelines from the American Urological Association.

I have a bladder disorder known as interstitial cystitis, aka painful bladder syndrome. I have had a damaged bladder lining since 1991. Tuesday, new guidelines came out for the treatment of IC. One thing they did was group patients into three distinctive categories:  pain mostly in bladder, pain involving the pelvic floor, and overlapping pain disorders, such as IC sufferers having fibromyalgia, TMJ, IBS, vulvodynia, and other pain disorders. In these cases, anxiety and depression can also be present, and they feel like they are in a constant state of fight or flight, which can point to an overactive central nervous system.

I not only have IC.  I have TMJ, suspect I have fibro, and I definitely have anxiety and depression, along with OCD.  That description fit me to a T. (When I told my BFF about the guidelines, she wanted to know, did number three have your picture next to it?)

And I thought about everything that fed into me having that overactive central nervous system . . . and I got angry. I got very, very angry.

So what did I do?

Well, Tuesday we had a primary day, and I live within walking distance of my polling place. So I walked, and on the way, I had an angry conversation with God. ("Angry Conversations with God" sounds like a good book title.)  I told him I was angry. And I realized that I need to process that anger and it is not going to happen overnight. I do believe that angry conversations with God help, but therapy also helps.

And I spoke to my best friend, who was proud of me for not wallowing in my anger. For me, telling God and my BFF I was angry was good; I was not blaming either of them or screaming at my BFF. (I believe God can take my screaming at him.)

Yesterday I had a urologist appointment and told him how I fit guideline #3 (minus the anger at my past.) One thing he did was inject some heparin into my bladder (yes, it's uncomfortable) and that dropped my pain level from an 8 that day to about a 4 or 5. There are certain foods and drinks that irritate my bladder, and trying to stay away from all of them is just plain irritating, pun intended! I even got to see the inside of my bladder (I'm one of those weird people that enjoy seeing what's going on inside the body) and not only did portions of it look nice and red, I was even told I have what's called a Hunner's ulcer. Yes, the bladder can get ulcers, too. 

I have also made an appointment with a pelvic floor therapist. That may help the bladder as well.

Yeah, I'm still angry about ways I was was treated and experiences I've had. I'm not at the point of jumping off a cliff, and I know that yelling at people is not healthy for either me or the people I yell at. My anger isn't going to be processed totally overnight. And then, with certain current events going on, my "flight" has been activated because I just want to get out of here, out of where I live. My left brain is logically tellling me all the reasons why I shouldn't do that and what steps we'd have to take . . . and my right brain is screaming back, "I don't care! 

Sometimes I feel like we're fast running out of safe places, and I'll bet I'm not the only one who feels like that!


alliematt

What in the [bad word} is wrong with me today? I didn't sleep well last night, went back to bed this morning, and woke up to find I MISSED A DENTAL APPOINTMENT . . . and now I am totally beating myself up for it, because I feel like I deserve to be punished, even though I just made a mistake. I didn't deliberately make an appointment planning to miss it. So then, why do I feel like I need to be beaten up, screamed at, or otherwise punished somehow?

I called, apologized, and while I'm on their list to be scheduled if there's a cancellation, I may just call back and just plain reschedule (they're booked out until around September).

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep. I woke up around 2:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom and then I had trouble getting back to sleep. And at about 15 after 12 p.m. my time, I'm still feeling tired. And I have to get work done today.

I need a head-bang emoji.

: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

paul72

hi alliematt
Thanks for sharing about the lack of safe places.. I don't think you're alone there either
I understand how difficult it can be without good sleep.
I hope you get good rest tonight ... please don't be too hard on yourself for missing that appointment. I've missed at least 5 of my last 10 dentist appointments .. just by forgetting lol.
Hopefully they can get you in before september


Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
I hope you can get a new dental appointment soon.  I hope you maybe got some better sleep since you wrote about your difficulty sleeping.  I'm sure they will get many people who miss appointments, we're all humans, and it does happen.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)