Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

I've been having physical therapy to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles (I am hoping this will also help my bladder pain.)

I THOUGHT physical therapy was supposed to be helpful.

Well, last week, as I was getting off the table so I could flip over on my stomach, my left ankle rolled over, and I fell and banged my knee against another table in the room.

I can put my weight on my foot so I think I strained it as opposed to a sprain. But there's some nice black and blue marks around my heel and I have a pain level at about a 2 on a scale of 10. I also can't move as fast as I want to.

I've been resting and putting ice on it, and I actually have a PT appointment today so I can tell them how the ankle's doing.

I am very thankful that damage was not worse!

[alliematt]

I'll put some good news on here for a change:  One of the men from church took my son to see Wheel of Fortune LIVE in my hometown last night!

He enjoyed himself and said when he got home, I didn't give away any of the answers. The man he went with said, "He was better than some of the other people!"

[alliematt]

Maybe you guys are the only people who will understand this:  Last night I had praise team rehearsal and on the way there, I realized that the problems I have names for:  Hubert (OCD), Elmer (depression), Agnes (anxiety), and Bertha (the inner critic) could all fit into my car when I drive alone.  Three in the back, one in the front.

So I just told them that if they were along for the ride, they could all go and fight each other. I was going to go sing. :-) (Bertha has an advantage with the rolling pin — I envision my inner critic in a shapeless house dress walking around smacking a rolling pin in her hand. I have imagined facing off with her using a baseball bat as a weapon.    )

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that you enjoyed the evening, and that you were able to sing during that praise team rehearsal. 
Hope 

[alliematt]

Thank you, Hope. Yes, I was able to sing during that rehearsal and also during Sunday service.

[alliematt]

I had a vein procedure today and I'm sitting on the couch with my legs wrapped up. I have a bad case of dermatitis and I hope this will help.

Then, I checked my email and discovered that I screwed up majorly on a deposition I turned in. And this was after I asked how to do this particular one (two people were being deposed at the same time and there's a specific way to denote who is speaking. And this is the first time I've ever done a deposition doing two people at the same time.)

Whenever I screw up like this, I'm afraid of getting fired. And this is a job I NEED in order to pay back debt. My BFF has tried to reassure me, that I usually do good work (and I usually do). But it's just the absolute fear that gets me, that the worst thing that can happen is, I have this perfect job and then I'm going to screw up and get fired and I won't find anything else where I can be flexible with my hours and my workload!

[Papa Coco]

Allie,

I'm no stranger to being terrified when I made a mistake at work. I hope that your fears are just your trauma working itself out, and that your job is not in danger.

Being afraid of making a mistake is the story of my entire life. It's definitely a trauma thing. Everyone else makes mistakes, why can't I?

Well, in reality, I AM allowed to make mistakes. I just can't get my trauma brain to relax and believe that. It's trauma that nags at my confidence and makes me believe I'm not allowed to make mistakes like everyone else does.

I hope this all blows over for you so you can rest easy again soon.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how miserable and frightening it is to worry about things like this. May it blow over soon.

[alliematt]

Thanks. It doesn't help when I'm ALSO recovering from outpatient surgery!

(You should have heard me on the way home. I was reciting facts to make sure I was still in touch with reality! I hit the bed as soon as I was home.)

[alliematt]

Well, I have been reprieved. My boss just asked me to redo the assignment I messed up on. I said, gladly!!

[alliematt]

I had procedure #2 on Friday the 7th. I have a follow up appointment on the 27th. I'm not holding my breath that my dermatitis can be cured but maybe this will help some.

In the meantime, we've dealt with a mouse in the house; killed it with a mousetrap only to discover that there might be another one; we have property taxes to pay, a car to service, a credit card to pay off (and I'm sorely tempted to add . . . "And Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!)

[Hope67]

Hi Allie,
I hope that it will help.  Fingers crossed.
Hope 

[alliematt]

Good news:  Vein procedure has helped. Not cured, but helped. I did not expect a cure and I was not promised one. Doc says my legs don't look as red as they did, although they are still red.  There are also no signs of blood clots. The veins that were worked on were the "bilateral great saphenous veins", which can work as either a royal title or a Shakespearean insult. My sister says it sounds like a big sapphire.

The not so good news is the constant "overwhelmness" I deal with. Yesterday I holed up in Starbucks and spent nearly six hours on a proofing job. I didn't eat anything until after 3 p.m. And I thought I had praise team practice last night . . . and right as I was ready to leave, I checked the schedule. I'm not even scheduled to sing. 

Today I have two jobs to finish before the weekend. Last night I just decided to catch up on two episodes of The Good Doctor. I needed the rest.

[alliematt]

I'm holed up at Starbucks again. This time I'm waiting on my son while he helps put together a trunk for our Trunk N Treat tomorrow. I have a running file called "The Plate" (as in, too much on my) and it's up to three pages. I can't get rid of the overwhelmness.  Today when I took a pair of jeans out of our laundry basket (which had been downstairs), I found that the rats who have been in our house have EATEN HOLES IN THEM.  Yes, we've used mousetraps; we've caught exactly one mouse. I don't know where they're coming in from.

What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?

[Not Alone]

So sorry to hear about your rodent problem. That would be so hard to deal with.

Glad to hear that your vein procedure went well.

Have fun with trunk or treat. We did that many years ago.

[alliematt]

In the latest chapter of The Mouse Chronicles, one of the mice scooted UNDER THE BATHROOM DOOR while I was IN the bathroom!

I may need to figure out how to use the mousetraps and put them in the kitchen. It was my husband who set up the traps the last time.

Other than that, I am fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed, again.  My husband wants me to delegate. Well, I asked him to do the  laundry on Saturday when I was out . . . and he didn't. I told him, you want me to delegate; he agreed with me, but I don't know how to get him to do what I've asked him to do!