Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
I really hope that those rodents will move out and leave you alone! 

Hope you've recovered from the Covid, and sorry to hear you had that again.

I wanted to wish you the best for 2023.   :hug:
Hope  :)

alliematt

Thank you, Hope. So far I have kept up with my one New Year's goal: writing daily. Right now, it's only on my blog. But it's writing. And I still have proofing to do (bleah, but it's money.) I'm still here and doing ok.

alliematt

After saying I was doing well, last night I had a brief conversation with my husband about politics that left me just sad and frustrated. We're not agreeing in this area right now.  He has an answer for everything, and I don't know what "the next line in the script" is supposed to be. I don't know how to debate and how to ask the correct questions (and even if I did, my husband would probably have the "correct" answer anyway.) I don't want politics to strain my marriage, so I've basically been keeping my mouth shut on the subject. 

I know there are things that are worse out there, but at the moment, I hate American politics, and that's all I will say.

alliematt

I am exhausted. I have not slept well in a week. Last night I tried melatonin and it backfired seriously. It was the worst night ever, as opposed to Phineas and Ferb's "best day ever". Today I have a dental appointment and physical therapy for the pelvic floor and I have to get 180 pages of proofing done by this evening. I'm sure part of my problem is that I've been using the computer up until bedtime, but sometimes, I have to do that because the job I have is due the next day.

I've used Tylenol PM, I've used Advil PM, and I'm seriously tempted to try CBD gummies but I don't know if they will make me high or not.

I should not have coffee with a painful bladder, but today is a day where it's, "Dang the bladder, I need the caffeine!"

Armee

I hope sleep improves for you soon. Not sleeping makes everything more difficult.  :grouphug:

Papa Coco

Sleeplessness is such a difficult problem when it happens.

Yes, Gummies will get you high IF they have THC in them. There are cannabis products that don't have any THC in them. They relax me without making me high. There are plenty of non-THC gummies on the market. My favorite is a delicious little gem called Nightcap. I buy it online from LeefOrganics.com.  They give me restful sleep but don't get me high.

alliematt

I did forget to give the good news:  We have seen no rodents since the beginning of January!

Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
That is good news about the lack of rodents  :cheer: 
Hope  :)

alliematt

Poking my head in to say hello; I had a vein ablation done Wednesday and I hope it is going to help my circulation. Today I was feeling depressed . . . and then realized that I had not replaced my estrogen patch when it was time to change it.  :stars:

The new one's on now. That should help my mental state.

Hope67

Hi Allie,
I hope you're feeling a bit better now you've got your estrogen patch back on - and I also wanted to wish you the best in recuperating after your vein ablation.  I hope you're ok.
:hug:
Hope  :)

alliematt

(Vein ablation went well, all.  Thanks!)

(Possible TW:  Religious content)

I learned that a church that is part of my group of churches (I should just go ahead and say "denomination" even though traditionally, we've claimed to be non-denominational and each church is autonomous) just installed women elders. Traditionally, our group of churches have had male-only leadership. (My own church decided to have women in full participation in worship, but not women elders, back in 2019.)

I posted on a couple of lists that I'm torn. There's certain verses in the Bible that seem to be prohibit female "leadership" over men. What *doesn't * make sense to me is, if my preacher and his daughter preach the exact same sermon, exact same words, why is it okay if he preaches and wrong for her?

And of course, the whole "the Bible says" argument has started over again, which has triggered my OCD. The loop of, "What if I'm wrong?". Even the *idea* of studying this subject exhausts me. I have so much on my plate and every time the issue of "women's roles" comes up, I end up spiraling.

No one here is going to have the definitive answers for me (and that's not the purpose of this list). I just hate the downward spiral.

alliematt

(Content warning: Religious content, mention of SA)

I got an email from someone I know from church asking if my husband — an IRS worker — could help her with her taxes. We went looking for her after church on Sunday . . . and found out she no longer goes there.

My first thought was, "Another one??"

We've had people leave our church over the last two years, and I don't know all the reasons why. When something like this happens, I end up spiraling downward into depression and remembering all of the burdens I have to carry. My yoke feels hard and my burden feels heavy. I've had too much of my share of spiritual abuse, I've worked nearly every day this week trying to earn more money to pay back debt, and I just feel mentally and physically exhausted.

I also learned that the group of churches I was part of many years ago has had multiple lawsuits filed against it because members have said they were SA'd by leaders and nothing was done. I have read about similar cases in other churches, but it was shocking to read about it with people I've heard speak.

Today or tomorrow I need to grocery shop.

For so many reasons, I just feel sad and overwhelmed. When do I stop feeling overwhelmed and start getting my act together?

alliematt

Right now, it seems like my yoke is hard and my burden is heavy.

littlebluejay

Hi alliematt, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Religious trauma is so hard! It's hard to take apart what was abuse and toxic, and what you value about a given religion. I, too, have been trying to find myself in my religion, taking the good parts and ridding myself of the harm. I can imagine how shaken up you must feel about finding out a church you attended has unresolved SA claims. I hear about these all the time but, like you, can't imagine it happening at a church I at I attended.

alliematt

Quote from: littlebluejay on March 22, 2023, 05:39:49 PM
Hi alliematt, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Religious trauma is so hard! It's hard to take apart what was abuse and toxic, and what you value about a given religion. I, too, have been trying to find myself in my religion, taking the good parts and ridding myself of the harm. I can imagine how shaken up you must feel about finding out a church you attended has unresolved SA claims. I hear about these all the time but, like you, can't imagine it happening at a church I at I attended.

Religious trauma stinks!!!  It turns what is supposed to be a source of comfort and strength into it's own version of torment.

(Re the SA:  I hope it's clear from my post that the group being sued does NOT include the church I am now attending.)