Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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Not Alone

I can see where the issues going on at church are burdensome. I have had other issues in my former church and it was heartbreaking a triggering.

alliematt

I read a book about church splits where the author said that a person could survive two, or at the most three, church split before their faith was damaged or even gone forever. I was on the fringes of two splits and directly involved in a third (i.e. I was an active member when it happened.) I don't consider this one to really be a "split" because in my experience, when there is a church split, it's usually a group of member who go and form their own church. In the current case, many of the members who have left have gone to already existing churches. 

In an email exchange with my pastor, he said that he'd been in communication with other pastors in the area and they were ALL experiencing similar issues.  So much is due to COVID and other turmoil of the last three years.

I also suspect that I forgot to take a particular med for a couple of days and that definitely does not help. I am feeling much better today.  My husband and son are both at work and I'm enjoying a quiet house before *I* have to do some work!

alliematt

I did not realize it had been over a month since I'd written here.  I've been mostly busy with proofreading and a few other things.

I'd appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, etc. for tomorrow. I attend a ladies' Bible class on Tuesday mornings, and tomorrow we are having a guest teacher. She is the widow of the man that, for all intents and purposes, founded the church movement that I eventually left. She's friends with two people in my ladies' class (she also now lives in the area but attends a different church). 

When I heard she would be speaking tomorrow, I seriously considered not going. Some of the people know my background in that particular church movement, but it's also been many, many years since I was a part of it, and I don't want to come off as being rude to the women in the study if I choose not to go. So tomorrow, I'm going to go, be polite to our speaker, ask her a few questions about how she likes it here, and if I get the chance, tell her that I'm very sorry for the loss of her husband. 

My "problem" is not specifically with her. She and I have never met. I have heard her speak several times at women's conferences and retreats. My problem is that she represents a church movement that both helped me and hurt me, and while I can now say, "these were the good parts; these were the bad parts," remembering the bad parts can be painful at times.

I'm very tired and I really need to go to bed, so some of this may not make much sense.


Hope67

Hi Alliematt,
Wishing you the best for when you go to the event.  Sending you lots of good thoughts, and hope that you get through it ok.  Sending you a supportive hug too, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

alliematt

Well guys, I made it back and it went well. I told the speaker afterwards that I was glad she'd come, that we'd never met but I'd heard her speak at church conferences in the past, and that I was also sorry she'd lost her husband (he died about five years ago)

Only God and I know some of the not-so-nice things I wanted to say, but I kept my mouth shut and I am grateful. I think our speaker is in her 80's and she will probably not be teaching Bible studies for much longer just because of her age.

If anyone said a prayer or wished good thoughts, I appreciate it. Thank you.

Armee


alliematt

Back again.

I got so overwhelmed the week before Memorial Day that last Tuesday (a week ago) I finished a job and said, I can't do any more this week.

So I tried to relax as much as possible.

Now I'm back to dealing with stress.

To sum up:  I can't stop working because I HAVE to pay back student loans, and the student loan pause ends at the end of August. That's when they start charging interest again. I have it down to around $24,000, and it's taken me over seven years to get it down from $60,000. 

I can't keep a schedule to save my life. Twice I've been interrupted because my husband needed me to get him from work.  Today's emergency — and it really was one — was that there's some sort of construction work going on in the building, and he wasn't sure what happened, but an odor that he described as a combination of "live skunk, dead rat, and vulture" filled the building. Something like that could make you physically ill.  The other time was for a Zoom meeting with the man who's trying to help my husband with a retirement plan; the man not only wanted to meet over Zoom at such and such a time, the man also wanted me there with my husband.  Which meant I had to drive down to get husband and then drive back (husband took the wheel) and in the city I live in, rush hour traffic is a misnomer.  There is no "rush" in traffic here! 

My son is sulking about having to work, and yesterday, when I asked him how work was, he told me that he really didn't want to work someplace where he couldn't get the holiday off. I told him I sympathized but that there were other people who had to work yesterday also. He's been copping an attitude about work in his own particular way, and my sympathy for him is just about at its end. If he had his way, he'd be in front of the screen all day with his programs, and that is NOT going to happen on my watch!

This morning I got up around 6 a.m. and HAD TO go back to bed two hours later because i just could not stay awake. If I can't stay awake, and have to go take a nap, that cuts into time I need to get stuff done.

We are hopelessly politically deadlocked in my country, and husband and I can't talk about certain things lest I lose my temper and get into a fight with him. And as my BFF has told me many times, debate is not my gift. I don't know what the next line in the script is supposed to be. Everyone else seems to. Not me.

I can't seem to pray unless I'm complaining (which is not necessarily a bad thing) and I'm not even opening my Bible except on Sundays (which, for me, isn't good because isn't the Bible part of where you get to know God?  If someone's reading this that's not religious, feel free to ignore that question.

I want out. I'm exhausted and I want out.

alliematt

The Internet, apparently, was mad at me and wouldn't let me into my account for a few days.  Now I just logged in.  So I'm back. And if you read my previous entry, I'm still feeling much the same way. Except last week we had Vacation Bible School in the evening, and my son and I went together to the adult class.  I was glad to be there, and at the same time, I was exhausted.  That's the word that keeps coming up.  I am exhausted. Tired. And I have too many issues that seems like they will never, ever be resolved.

Moondance

Hi Allienatt,

I experienced the same thing with the website and checked in with Kizzie - she let me know that there a glitches with update and that they are working on it.

I'm not able to offer much as I am overwhelmed asxwell but I did want you to know I read the past posts you posted.  I can hear the stress your under and can relate.

My thoughts are with you Alliematt.

 :hug: if okay

Armee

 :hug:

I'm glad we are all able to get back on again.

alliematt

This will give you an idea of my mental state this morning:  I e-mailed a moderator because I couldn't find the reply button to add a post to this thread.

The reason I could not find the reply button was because I wasn't logged in!!!  :stars:  :stars:




alliematt

Popping my head in quickly just to say I'm OK, hanging in there. I have about 15 pages left to proof, then need to do another 200 . ..  and in between, I have a urologist's appointment where I get to have a "cocktail" of meds injected directly into my bladder in hopes that it will help reduce pain and heal my bladder lining!

Fun times ahead!

On the other hand, I did get paid a couple of days ago, and plunked more money down on my student loan debt.  :)

Armee

Congrats on payment! Hope the appointment isn't too irritating. Figuratively and literally.

alliematt

Quote from: Armee on August 24, 2023, 02:58:53 PMCongrats on payment! Hope the appointment isn't too irritating. Figuratively and literally.

Thanks! Due to the location of the bladder, it's going to be "irritating" But I also got to see inside my bladder and that was fascinating. It looked nice and red and one of the blood vessels looked like it was on fire.

Second treatment is today.

Changing subjects:  I was mentioning on another group about a time when I was helping someone carry something; I had to go up and down stairs while carrying a cookie sheet with stuff on it. I couldn't see my feet, so I was putting my foot on one step, then putting the other foot on the same step so that I wouldn't fall.

The person I was helping (who was a member of the unhealthy church I was part of) commented on the way I was using the steps, and for some reason, it just felt weird. Why are you commenting on how I'm using the steps?

Part of what I dealt with in childhood bullying was people commenting on or mocking how I did/said things. I also got similar treatment from my college church; not mocking, but comments on how you looked, talked, acted . . . and I don't know about anyone else, but when what you do is constantly commented on, that's a recipe for anxiety right there. I often feel like someone's constantly looking over my shoulder ready to say, "You missed a spot," or that people are staring at me with their arms folded across their chest, impatiently tapping their foot, waiting for me to give the "right" answer *immediately*. And always, it's your fault. If someone tells you you have to change, you have to do it; but God forbid you tell that person *they* need to change.

I'm so thin-skinned it's not funny, and that's not healthy either. I need to be told when I'm behaving badly, and I need to be shown if I'm doing something wrong or I can do something better. I just don't want to feel like everyone's constantly staring at me.