Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Moondance]

I'm so thin-skinned it's not funny, and that's not healthy either. I need to be told when I'm behaving badly, and I need to be shown if I'm doing something wrong or I can do something better. I just don't want to feel like everyone's constantly staring at me.

Hi Alliematt,

Your post really resonates with me.  IMO that is the result of years of looking over my shoulders, being corrected all the time, bullied, gaslighted, made fun of for my quirkiness.  I'm thin skinned too and for good reason. 

I'm wanting to let myself be wrong without being corrected (maybe that will come later) but for now, perhaps I'm being belligerent, I want to embrace my quirkiness even if that means being by myself for the time being. 

[alliematt]

I know I put in an entry earlier and either I didn't hit "send" or it didn't post for some reason. Anyway, just poking my head in to say, "Still here!" I just celebrated a wedding anniversary and a birthday. Husband and I went to Boston, then NYC; we enjoyed both places.

I'm also learning the art of letting certain things, especially online, roll off my back. :-) That is an art that will need LOTS of practice!

[alliematt]

And just when I thought things were getting better: I had another "interesting" ladies' Bible class AND we have had another horrible crime that makes me want to get out of this country. (Google "Lewiston, Maine", and use appropriate self-care when reading.) (Mentions of politics follow.) When things like what happened in Maine last night happen, my instant mental go-to is, "I want out of this country." Rationally, I don't think I'd necessarily be happier anyplace else. It would be very hard for me at my age to pull up roots and go somewhere else. My husband doesn't see the need, and sadly, it has become very hard for me to talk politics with my husband because we're not seeing eye to eye right now. (We do love each other. We just do not agree in this particular area.) Plus, my husband doesn't see the need to go anywhere else, and taking our son out of his environment would not necessarily be the best thing to do.

Earlier in this journal, I talked about a special speaker we had for my ladies' Bible class. Well, she's asked to be put on the roster for speaking (she would not do it every Tuesday; she'd do it when possible) and she was at class again this past Tuesday.

(Trigger warning for mention of abuse)

I didn't mention this in the last entry about her. Several women who were once part of the church group I was once part of have filed a lawsuit against several leaders in this group, alleging that the women had been sexually abused and that nothing was ever done to the abusers except move them around to another church. I have heard of more than one case of abuse in a religious setting where the victims were told, do not go to the police; we'll just handle it within the church.

I don't completely understand all the legalese behind the filings. I do know that there were two major leaders named, and I have seen the filings posted online. One of the two major leaders died several years ago. His estate is named as a party in the lawsuit. The woman that was teaching the Bible class this Tuesday is his widow. As his widow, I'm guessing she may be the executor of his estate.

I don't know who knew what or all of who did what to whom. I do belong to an online group of ex-members of the group I was part of. A person in that group said that the widow had been served with a subpoena in a church parking lot . . . after she had been dodging the server for some time. She told the server that her lawyer told her, she didn't have to accept the subpoena. Which I'm not sure if it's true or not.

I only know this because of how deep I am in social media circles. I don't feel like it's my place to say, hey, this woman is involved in a lawsuit. And I don't know what the widow is allowed to talk about in public concerning this lawsuit. And as much as I want to open my mouth and say something, what would it accomplish? This past Tuesday I was very nice, said hello to the widow and the people who came with her, made a few comments, said nothing about what was going on, and have not posted on social media about her being in our class. I have confided in my husband and I will probably have a talk with my therapist next time I see her.

I don't believe the widow is necessarily guilty of any crimes or cover-ups. Like I said, I don't know who knew what or who did what.  I just know she's named as a party and that the people doing the suing are filing right now in the appropriate courts. And I'm probably confusing everyone. I believe I'm doing the right thing by keeping my mouth shut - especially when three of the members of my Bible study group are friends of hers from way back - but I confess, it is very hard to sit and listen to her talk about God and the Bible while also seeing that she supposedly attempted to evade a process server (which I think could result in contempt of court if she failed to respond to whatever notice she was given.) On the other hand, it is also difficult to deal with court actions, especially when there are people you can't discuss them with.

I had a nice yelling match with God afterwards. At least he always knows what I'm thinking. And that helped. I'm not standing on a cliff ready to jump.

[Blueberry]

To your post from Oct. 24th, that's just great that you had a trip with your H to two different places and enjoyed!

About today's post: that all sounds really really difficult with the Bible class. Good on you having a yelling match with God afterwards and good that you have that in your Toolkit. And I'm very glad that you're not standing on the cliff-edge.

I saw that about Maine and I'm so sorry it affects you. I'm on a different continent, which gives me some distance I find. A lot of sad and disturbing stuff in the news globally atm and I feel pessimistic and sad when I read or think about it.

[alliematt]

Thank you, Blueberry. I deliberately didn't get into details because the nature of the crime is horrific. I live about 1800 miles from where that happened so I'm not concerned about the perpetrator showing up where I live. But we've had our own share of nasty crimes in my general area. I hope you are doing well.

[alliematt]

TW: usage of a word now deemed offensive to the disabled.


Didn't realize it had been so long since I've written! Had a therapy session last week in which I told the therapist that all the previous week, I'd been remembering how the word "retarded" was used against me as an insult. I remember particularly a boy in the sixth grade chanting that I was "re-tar-ded." When I talked with my therapist, I realized that I had not been immobilized by the memory -- I can still function and do what I need to do -- but it just plain made me sad. That word is now the "r-word" for a good reason. Certain words that used to be used on the IQ scale have now been replaced with other descriptions; those previous words are used as insults and not-so-funny jokes.

This week, unfortunately, I am remembering a boy that punched me in the back on a bus ride home, also in sixth grade, I think.

I think I have written before how I was told to "ignore bullies", and that if I fought back, I'd be punished by the school and they would not be; and told in church that you were supposed to love your enemies and forgive them. So the trap was set. I believe in forgiveness; I also believe that justice and forgiveness do not cancel each other out.

The question that I keep asking myself is, what in the world did I do that was so wrong and so terrible that you felt like you had the right to bully me? It is not just being called "retarded", not just someone punching me in the back; it was being blocked on the sidewalk, mocked while playing volleyball (I am poor at team sports), being asked questions deliberately designed to embarrass me, having rumors spread about me . . . What did I do that was so bad?

My therapist said that I was trying to make it make sense, which was normal.

I went on and speculated about my son, how I wondered if both his father and I had a touch of autism and that's how our son got it.

Again, she pointed out that I was trying to make sense of it; which again, is normal.

I'm not retarded, nor did I deserve to be punched in the back. (In fact, I was part of a gifted program in middle school, and I was #4 in my graduating class. I was the top girl.) I'll go on and say I did not deserve to be spiritually abused in college. I'll own my mistakes, I'll own my sins, I'll own the stuff I did wrong, but there were things that happened to me that were flat out abusive and I didn't deserve to have them happen to me.

On the brighter side, my ladies' church class ended the year with our secret sister reveal. We each drew a name that we would secretly send cards to or small gifts. This week we brought a gift for our secret sister and told who we were. I was "gifted" a pair of very warm socks and a nice smelling candle. I "gifted" the following (and to be honest, I feel sort of cheap but I also think I was inventive): I got a 8 x 10 frame at Dollar Tree and also a Christmas card. Then I copied and pasted a Bible passage, changed it to a fancy font, and where it said "you" I put her name. Then I inserted the paper into the frame. And then I found out I didn't have a bag big enough for it, so I just set it on the gift table, face down, and put her card on top of it. She did give me a big hug and read what I wrote out loud, so I think she liked it! 

[Blueberry]

I'm not retarded, nor did I deserve to be punched in the back. (In fact, I was part of a gifted program in middle school, and I was #4 in my graduating class. I was the top girl.) I'll go on and say I did not deserve to be spiritually abused in college. I'll own my mistakes, I'll own my sins, I'll own the stuff I did wrong, but there were things that happened to me that were flat out abusive and I didn't deserve to have them happen to me.
 

Correct, you did not deserve this treatment at all!

I've been following your journal on and off for a number of years and it's the first time I can really feel a massive strength in you telling it like it is, telling the world the treatment of you was abusive.

    
(Of course you may have done so before and I didn't read the post.)

The question that I keep asking myself is, what in the world did I do that was so wrong and so terrible that you felt like you had the right to bully me? It is not just being called "retarded", not just someone punching me in the back; it was being blocked on the sidewalk, mocked while playing volleyball (I am poor at team sports), being asked questions deliberately designed to embarrass me, having rumors spread about me . . . What did I do that was so bad?
 

You did nothing wrong, allie, it was on those bullies. I'm sorry all those things happened to you. I can relate, similar happened to me.

[alliematt]

Happy New Year, all! I hope everyone had a good holiday.

I've been trying to do writing lately, I'm stuck on a scene to the point of tears. It's just not flowing. This probably has nothing to do with C-PTSD, although I am a perfectionist and that is a C-PTSD trait, if I understand correctly.

[alliematt]

Poking my head in quickly to say hello, I'm still here, reasonably stable at the moment!!

[Blueberry]

reasonably stable at the moment!!

     

[alliematt]

I should have known that "reasonable stability" would not last for very long! 

I've been in a foul mood for most of the weekend. Part of it is just plain flat-out self-pity. Part of it is that a friend is going through a hard time with her church, she's talking to me about it and I won't go into any more detail because she wants it private.

I had to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I started "going" before I could hit the bathroom (which is adjacent to our bedroom.) There are few things more shaming than something like that.

My husband and I worked our way through a pile of laundry which needed to be folded, sorted and put away (as opposed to being folded, spindled, and mutilated!) And after all that got done, I found *two more* basketfuls that needed to be done. I hate laundry and I hate chores.

My son took apart the vacuum cleaner in order to empty it and couldn't figure out how to put it back together. I thought a part was missing so I asked him if he knew where the filter was. His answer: "Filter?" He didn't know what I meant and I could NOT figure out how to explain to him what I meant! So I told him to go get his dad, and we figured out how to put the cleaner back together. 

I haven't been sleeping well. I got a new wireless set of headphones that look like you are wearing a headband and you can sleep in them. I've had them two days and I'm waking up with a headache.

I've had to contact two separate doctors in order to get new prescriptions for necessary medicines.

I'm afraid of upcoming political events in my country; I'm a Christian and shouldn't be afraid but I am.

Sunday I discovered that the tray table I use for church wasn't in the back of the car. I act as the "liaison" between the people that attend our church online and those who attend in person. I monitor our church services/chat room through our website, basically asking, can everyone see and hear OK? Well, 1) my husband had to "swipe" a table for me to use (which was a decent table!), then had to move the same table from the Sunday School room to the worship auditorium. We've switched to our family life center because they have better sound quality and it would cost over seven figures to remodel our worship auditorium in order to improve the sound quality. (THE week we went into lockdown, we'd just unveiled plans for how we were going to rebuild our main church building to make it more accessible and to improve the sound quality.) We do not have seven figures at the moment, so we're using what we have. 2) the Internet router at the building wasn't working properly and the video kept buffering. When that happens, I start summarizing the service and letting everyone know what's happening. 3) We have a new baptistry in our family life center, a round marble tub. We had a baptism yesterday, and I left the table for a few minutes so I could see it.  After service, a lady I know *very nicely* told me that where I was standing was blocking the view of others and suggested a better place for me to stand next time we had a baptism.  I appreciated her telling me . . . but inside, my inner two-year-old was throwing a tantrum. (This is the self-pitying part. I was just plain mad that someone had told me I needed to make a change in something I did. The only good thing I did was that I didn't throw that tantrum.)

I have more paperwork to do for a list my son is on to receive possible services from our state. And if any of you are on any kind of government assistance, you KNOW that it is like trying to swim through molasses to figure out how to fill out what you're supposed to fill out.

I got in touch with a lawyer for estate planning, she sent us stuff to fill out; we have part of it filled out but not the rest and we need to finish it soon. (See my above comments about government assistance; the same is true with legal documents!)

My husband may be furloughed at the end of the week due to political shenanigans.  Which means he will not have work to go to and will not get PAID until our government passes a spending bill.

I'm taking a short break from my own work to write this.

I haven't written anything, done any knitting or sewing because I don't have time, or if I do have time, I'm just too overwhelmed.

I've gained too much weight, I need to diet, I need to exercise . . . see "overwhelmed".

And I need to go make dinner in an hour and a half.

And I need to make up a meal list. Those of you who ask, why can't your husband do it? My husband's idea of "meal planning" is to grab every cookbook in the house and write down recipes that he thinks might work without necessarily thinking about how much the ingredients will cost, how long it's going to take to make the dish, and whether or not anyone will like or eat it . . . and the last time I turned over meal planning to him, he did not take into account that I have a rotating list of meals I serve on Sundays and Wednesdays (quick stuff that a) we can make after church so I can go and take a nap because it is VERY hard for me to stay awake on Sundays at times, and b) we could make fast when we were still having church on Wednesday nights (which we are not anymore). My son has that list memorized. So when my husband planned the meals and didn't put on the list what our son expects on Sundays and Wednesdays, of *course* son asked, where is . . .  ?

Yes, I'm trying to do too much. Yes, I need to delegate. Yes, there is too much going on.  But what do I delegate to whom? And when I hear the word "prioritize", my answer is, "How? Everything seems like it is a priority!" I absolutely don't know how to prioritize when everything is screaming at me. And I'm such a perfectionist that I feel like I have to do it all so things will come out the way I want them.

What in the heck is wrong with me???

            

[alliematt]

Just a quick note that my husband is still employed. There's another appropriations bill that has to be signed and I don't know if my husband's department is covered by that one or if it's covered by the previous one (for non-US readers, our Congress is fighting over the government's spending plan for the next fiscal year, and if a particular appropriations bill is not signed by our President by March 22nd, there will be a partial shutdown of certain government departments. The employees will either be furloughed -- sent home -- or told to come to work and work without pay. 

So far, my husband's job is OK.

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
I know you've got a lot of stressful things at the moment - but I'm glad that so far your husband's job is ok.  Finger's crossed that it will be ok. 

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[alliematt]

The good thing is that my husband is working.
I'm mentally muttering about proofing work I have to do tonight, but it's work.

[alliematt]

I've said before at other places, and maybe even here, that I am afraid. I'm in the USA and am afraid of what will happen around our election time. I'm afraid of simmering unrest at the least, and explosive violence at the worst. And what I really think is the root of my fear is, when the emergency comes, I will not know what to do. I will freeze and by the time I think of, yeah this is what I should do/say/etc. the opportunity will be gone.

When I hear the words, "I'm afraid," in my head, I flash back to a conversation I had with my mother. This came on the heels of a very bad week I'd had (this was the week my parents pulled me off the bus after a confrontation with a bully). I cannot remember what triggered it - and I know I tended to be very whiny as a kid/teenager and too many times as an adult - but my mother got very angry, marched me into the dining room, had us both sit down, turn off the TV (and I even remember that a rerun of The Bionic Woman was on), and the first thing she said was, "Everyone makes mistakes!" not in a comforting tone, but in an angry tone. She went on, and at one point I think she said something like, "I don't think you're crazy," (again, I'm sure trying to reassure me), and I got up the courage to say, "That's what I'm afraid of." She yelled back, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

At the end of that conversation, I went to my room and cried. It was one of the few times I remember crying where the sobs just kept feeding on themselves.

Given, though, that I had just stopped riding the bus because of bullying (and I'd been bullied ever since I'd ridden the bus, starting in 6th grade; and that was on top of five earlier years of bullying in elementary school, and I was facing the end of my first serious relationship with a guy - who broke up with me but didn't give me the courtesy of telling me he was breaking up with me; and I never told my parents how he was treating me- BIG mistake on my part!) yeah, I think I had *very good* reasons to be afraid. When every move you make, every word you say, and how your voice sounds, how you dress, how you play sports in PE is scrutinized, mocked, or commented on unfavorably; or, when someone asks you a question that, no matter how it's answered, you're going to get laughed at for it - yes, you are going to be afraid.

Much more recently, a friend of mine said in an online conversation, you are always so afraid. Well, if you think that one wrong move by you will get you sent to * - or, at the least, have someone criticize you harshly - yeah, wouldn't you always be afraid too?

(Note: short discussion of politics I don't like even discussing politics with my husband because he can debate better than I can and I can't pull out the "correct" arguments on the spur of the moment like he can. I love him, he loves me, but there are times he drives me nuts.