Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Chart]

Hi Alliematt, I hear you and am so sorry for your fear-stress. Sounds really hard. Politics is such an insane circus. It's all about being right and showing how the "other" is weak. I've decided to use my time to try to help and support, instead of politics. I no longer actively pay any attention to politics. I know it's partly running away, like you mentioned, but I honestly believe my time is better spent encouraging and sharing, connecting and as mentioned, trying to help, if only emotionally and spiritually. I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. The sky and trees are just too magnificent to not feel a deeper order somewhere out there AND inside. No idea what it might be, but I believe it's there.

Maybe turn off the tv and take a walk in the forest (if possible). Just ignoring politics will probably reduce your stress significantly. Hope so anyway. Sending hugs and support. Be well, Chart

[AphoticAtramentous]

Last night was the presidential debate in the USA, and while I didn't watch it, I heard about it and what I heard leaves me very discouraged.

I'm tired. I can't talk with most people about either politics or religion, so I end up trauma dumping on social media and that's not necessarily a good thing, either. But what am I supposed to do? I don't know.

Maybe turn off the tv and take a walk in the forest (if possible). Just ignoring politics will probably reduce your stress significantly. Hope so anyway. Sending hugs and support. Be well, Chart

Politics can be exhausting, especially USA politics... I know it's easier said than done but I agree with Chart on trying to ignore the politics where possible. A big problem is that we humans tend to catastrophise and assume that if someone says they'll do something, then so will happen. We end up stressing over our own worries, dampened by our own fears of things that may not even come to pass. Thing is, when bad things happen, we're actually usually far more capable at dealing with them than we initially expect. I often reflect on a quote by Newt Scamander: "My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice." Concern and preparing is helpful, but feeding our anxieties... less so. Of course, no pressure at all to do so, but I think Chart's idea on taking your mind off of things might be relieving?

I hope things will feel a little easier for you soon, alliematt.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[alliematt]

I'm afraid of what's happening in the US, but what is triggering me just as much is a memory that the words, "I'm afraid" brings back.

When I was 17, I can't remember how the discussion started, but apparently I did something or said something that got on my mother's nerves, and we went into our dining room where she started to lecture me.

At one point, she'd said something along the lines of that she didn't think I was going crazy, and I summoned up the courage to say, "That's what I'm afraid of."

Her response:  "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

When the conversation finally ended, I went to my room and cried, and it was one of those cries where the sobs just fed on each other.

The fact is, I WAS afraid. I had good reasons to be afraid. My parents had pulled me off the bus that week after I finally snapped at two boys that were bullying me; about four or five kids followed me home and came up into the yard. I was bullied all through school and I said that day, "They've won. I'll do anything they say." My mother snapped back, "Don't you DARE say they've won!" But they had. They drove me off the bus and killed my self-esteem.

I was also facing the fact that I was losing my first boyfriend, and I confided in no one. Looking back, I can see how much that must have hurt my parents that I didn't tell them what was going on.

Re the current political situation here: I don't debate well, I can't pull facts out of my head at a moment's notice, and I'm married to a man who can outdebate people at every turn.

I'm afraid (not afraid of my husband!) but I'm afraid of circumstances and I do not know what to do.

[Blueberry]

Re the current political situation here: I don't debate well, I can't pull facts out of my head at a moment's notice, and I'm married to a man who can outdebate people at every turn.

I grew up in a FOO with that talent of your H. I used to try to keep up and argue back. Idk how it is for your H, but I discovered in among my FOO that it's a kind of sport for them, even when discussing the past in our FOO - abuse etc. - but also the future like inheritance. I steer clear of them and people like them. I've since discovered that they and people like them in my circle of acquaintances can't feel that well, blocked emotions.

I also discovered that my not being able to pull facts out of my head at a moment's notice is connected to the trauma and is especially bad when I'm around people who argue like that. Idk if any of this resonates for you as regards your H and you don't have to tell me. Please believe that you are perfectly OK without this particular talent!

I'm afraid (not afraid of my husband!) but I'm afraid of circumstances and I do not know what to do.

I'm afraid of a lot going on in the world atm, politically and otherwise. Tho I think most generations are afraid of something and feel the end is near.

On top of that, being afraid sounds like a trigger for you so no wonder things are difficult atm.

Looking back, I can see how much that must have hurt my parents that I didn't tell them what was going on.

There was a lot going on when you were 17 and there had been a lot going on - all the bullying for ex. And it doesn't sound as if you could really confide in your parents and get some support.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. 

[Chart]

I've found that the most convincing counter-argument in any debate is to NOT argue. Instead I say, "I hear what you are saying, and I think I can understand your point of view, BUT I don't agree..."

When the person continues to argue (which of 100% certainty they will do), I say something like, "I've already explained WHY I think and feel the way I do. I've made an effort to understand your perspective. Unfortunately we simply don't agree. I am not going to argue anymore. Perhaps we both need time to relax and reflect, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm sorry if you don't want to relax and reflect, but me, I am 100% finished arguing..."

And here I literally stop responding to the person's continued efforts to engage me in the conflict.

This method is not completely easy to do. It takes consciousness and practice. But I promise it does work. It requires some force and strength, but in very little time it gets easier.

Afterwards, if I can, I go someplace by myself and I focus on myself, my breathing, the stress in my body and my emotions. I take care of myself, AND I fight my inner critic which has inevitably awoken and is shouting at me all the terrible things he has always accused me of my whole life.

I say to myself, "This is my dis-regulated Amygdala. What I am feeling is Trauma...

Often at this point, if I can, I will do a session of EFT/Tapping/Butterfly Technique. I will ask myself what I need. Many different thoughts and feelings can emerge at this point, but almost always I get a certain amount of relief. Sometimes a lot of relief.

I've learned all this recently, through the Forum and books. But already there has been an improvement in my general levels of stress, fear and anxiety. It's small and slow, but it is working.

I'm hanging on like a novice rock climber on the side of a bare-faced vertical cliff... slowly slowly making my way up...  and learning every inch of the way.

Hope I can help. Sending hugs and support.

[alliematt]

Yesterday in a discussion, H. asked me if I felt safe discussing politics with him and I told him, "No."

He's agreed to do a better job of listening to my concerns.

[Chart]

Alliematt, I'd just like to say that was a pretty sensitive and conscious thing for your H to ask. Seems he's open to modifying the way you communicate together. Maybe you could positively reinforce his willingness to make those accommodations. Could be positive all-around.

[alliematt]

I gripe about H. at times, but you are correct; he does have a sensitivity to me. He grew up in a family where he didn't have the world's best relationship with his own dad and he's been trying to not follow that example.

[Chart]

There's a famous story about two brothers of an abusive alcoholic father. One of the brothers was a non-drinker, successful in business and a good father. The other brother an alcoholic, separated from his wife and kids and struggling in his work. Asking both what they think best explained their situation in life, each responded the same: My father.

Don't really know why but your response made me think of that.

[Chart]

Maybe the important thing about all this is just being Aware. Seems your H has a pretty good awareness... maybe that was the link...
 

[alliematt]

I melted down earlier this week over current events, and also because I'm having such a hard time dealing with everything else.

Although I have supportive friends, I feel so terribly ashamed, letting myself get so upset.

There's a verse that talks about Jesus' yoke being easy and His burden being light. So why do I feel like my yoke is hard and my burden heavy?

[alliematt]

I'm sure I'm a terrible person, but I want out.

I am afraid and I can't answer the questions, "why are you afraid?" and "what are you afraid of?"

I want out of this country but I see no way to do it; I'm too old and have too many health problems, my son is disabled, and husband sees no need to.

[Chart]

Trauma. Excessive constant Fear comes from trauma. I have it too. I understand your feeling. It's awful. Today was hard. I'm sorry your feeling trapped.
Sending support and hugs if that's okay.
 

[alliematt]

Today was hard for you, Chart? I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I've had my share of trauma, both personal and cultural, in the last several decades!

[alliematt]

I'm surprised I went a month without logging in here. Things perked up for a while and then I landed back in the dumps.
I had a schedule to work with where I thought I could get everything done . . .and it has collapsed after less than a week.
And I posted something in a blog I write and got a response from a good friend which has really upset me. In fact, that particular response nearly made me physically sick. (To be clear, it was the subject that was upsetting, not her. There's a particular issue about which we disagree and I don't do disagreement or debate well.)

We also got sticker shock with our property tax bill. Earlier this month we paid property insurance. I will have to pay auto insurance this month also. It's the first time I'm really having to scrape money together to pay necessary expenses.

I hate how I feel. I want out.