Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

I love your ideas, Chart. I'm just not sure where to start!

[Chart]

Alliematt, Zut... I just wrote a long post that subsequently disappeared. But you've got me thinking and perhaps I'm going to start a separate thread based on this concept. I've been wanting to discuss and comment here on the forum, for a long time. The concept is especially pertinent to political situations and discussions. It is the idea of Polarity. It's a very old concept, and is deeply intertwined with ancient knowledge which carries strongly mystical aspects. I find this a bit annoying, because it makes a kind of distraction for the idea itself and I think it potentially puts people off, which is frustrating, because the idea itself is extremely interesting and pertinent imo. I think it could help immensely in your problem with discussing politics with your husband. I've re-searched YouTube for a good explanation and found this one:
https://youtu.be/LWY3QtyHnio?si=ozpmXSYzuVfc1G-5
Let me know what you think.
 

[alliematt]

Last night I lost my country.
I am broken, exhausted, discouraged, and my energy and spirit is GONE.
Telling me to pray isn't helping.
Evil won. It seems that evil always wins. Evil won when I was bullied, when I was subject to spiritual abuse, it's won in current events, and it's won now.
I am exhausted from debt, from work, from the outside culture, from living up to the "expectations" of what a Christian should be, from dealing with an adult child's disability, from physical and mental illness, from the day to day of running a household. I have nothing left to give.

[Chart]

Hey Alliematt, I hear you. I'm sorry too. What a horrible way to wake up. I had a little forewarning, six hours ahead, I saw the tragedy before the official announcement. I'm so sorry. On top of all we have to deal with, a deranged clown with all the power. It is truly strange. I don't know about America anymore. I think Rome was similar much of the time. Our species still has evolving to do.

I hear your pain and struggle. Sending support... hope it helps... at least a little.
-chart
 

[MountainGirl]

Yes Allie, I also know the feeling of dread and danger. If I were younger I would work to find a solution to correct the situation but I am too old and too tired and I need to work on myself with a trauma therapist.  Whatever time I have left on earth I do not want it taken up with stress and hate. So, having dual EU and US citizenship I am looking at leaving. Actually Italy sounds good to me, despite what has been happening there in recent years.
And I try to remember that "all things must pass" is not just a platitude. It's a fact. But I think I want to wait out the passing of this saga in Italy.

[alliematt]

Yes Allie, I also know the feeling of dread and danger. If I were younger I would work to find a solution to correct the situation but I am too old and too tired and I need to work on myself with a trauma therapist.  Whatever time I have left on earth I do not want it taken up with stress and hate. So, having dual EU and US citizenship I am looking at leaving. Actually Italy sounds good to me, despite what has been happening there in recent years.
And I try to remember that "all things must pass" is not just a platitude. It's a fact. But I think I want to wait out the passing of this saga in Italy.

Italy sounds like a great place to wait out everything. I have multiple health issues and a disabled son; I don't think we CAN leave!

[alliematt]

I want out. I want out. I want out.
I can't get out. I can't get out. I can't get out.
I am trapped. I am trapped. I am trapped.

I'm also kicking myself big time about letting my son use his screens nearly 24/7. In fact, I think I had an anxiety attack about a week ago, screaming inside that "if only I'd put more effort in prying my son away from his screens; maybe he'd be more independent, maybe he'd want to get more job training for something, maybe he'd want to do a variety of more things.  But I was too tired and too overwhelmed and NOW he's addicted to his screens and I don't want to take the time to pry him away from them." I have failed as a mother and as a wife. And as a Christian. God must be very, very disappointed in me because I can't "get over" this horrible heaviness. How much therapy have I had over nearly 40 years? What good has it done?

[Pangur]

Oh Allie, I'm so deeply sorry for your pain.  I have no words but want to send you a gentle hug and stand with you in this heavy place.  Yesterday's news has sent shock waves around the globe. I hope you can soon recover a sense of your innate goodness and worth. 

Much love

Pangur

  

[SenseOrgan]

Hugs from Holland 

[Chart]

Alliematt, it seems to me that you are in an emotional flashback. Too much and too many things at once. If this is the case, try to recognize it. Knowing you're in an EF can help identify your thinking patterns and steps to take so that you can start feeling safe. I don't believe now is the time to be questioning your past actions nor imagining god is "disappointed". You are struggling and need to find a way to get oriented regarding your terrible stress. Please take care of yourself. We're here with you on the forum. Sending love and support, chart

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, alliematt. Perhaps try some grounding exercises if you get a chance? No pressure at all though.
 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[alliematt]

In checking in for my ADHD testing on Monday, I've currently gone through at least two phone menus, probably three, and am now on hold. This is the third time I've called to confirm my appointment, and as I was typing this, the call disconnected for the THIRD time.

               

[Blueberry]

I understand your frustration.

I hope it works on the fourth try.

[alliematt]

Well, I finally checked in for my ADHD testing.
I went yesterday.
That was the most exhausting and interesting morning I have spent in quite some time!
Among other things:

• I answered nearly 400 questions on an iPad talking about my mental/emotional state which now make me wonder if I have been tagged as a potential serial killer       
• I copied a drawing and then redrew it from memory
• I listened to a short story and repeated back details
• On the computer, I was told to tap the space bar when I heard a "boo-beep" but not when I only heard a "beep"
• I read off a list of words which got harder as I went along
• I repeated numbers; first two in a row, then three, then four (and wondered if I would have to give all of the digits of pi!)[l
  
  • I answered questions like "who was Cleopatra?"
    
    
  I get the results in a month.
  After I was done, I treated myself at McDonalds.
  And then went home and took a nap.
  

[Chart]