Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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alliematt

Quote from: notalone on July 09, 2020, 11:54:36 PM
Quote from: alliematt on July 09, 2020, 03:19:14 PM
Sometimes it's rough for me to admit that "I'm allowed to be human," but that is true.  I am allowed to be human.  (Bible passage follows, use self-care if triggering) There is a verse somewhere in Psalms that says that God knows how we are formed and "he remembers that we are but dust."
Psalm 103:13-14

thanks for finding the reference!

alliematt

Bad day yesterday.  I think my adrenals crashed from that long proofing job of Monday/Tuesday.  When I don't feel well, everything looks black. 

I texted a group of women I know and said that my heart was heavy.

NO ONE ANSWERED.

Maybe they're just tired of my complaining.  That's not the first time I've said that I've had a heavy heart, but it's the first time I haven't gotten an answer from anyone.  I don't know if I was being ignored or if no one, literally, saw my text (if it didn't go through) or what, and so many of us are having so many problems, I really don't want to put it through again.

Like just about everyone, I am so tired of COVID.  I'm tired of isolation.  I just want to hug someone that isn't family.  I want people to learn to work through their problems instead of screaming all the time. 

I wonder if I even want to get better.  I don't know if I don't want to get better or if I want to but just don't think it's ever possible.  "Getting well" seems to involve so much work that it's just so overwhelming, and I don't even know if half the stuff out there — as far as physical health care is concerned — is even valid.  Am I going to go to someone who's going to wind up taking my money and leaving me sicker and poorer, like the poor woman in the Bible who bled for 12 years and spent everything she had on doctors?

owl25

Hi alliematt, I don't think we've met yet, I just wanted to say hello  :heythere:

I'm sorry no one responded. I hope it was because either the message didn't go through, or because by chance no one was available to respond. I can understand not wanting to resend it. It hurts when you think no one heard you, you try again, and then it turns out they heard but chose to ignore, so it's really hard to try again. I hear you that your heart is heavy.

I relate to the worries and fears about getting better. It is overwhelming and it does take enormous amounts of work. It requires patience and time, unfortunately. I do very much believe getting better is possible, it's just that it's a long road. And when you're in the midst of symptoms, it can feel hopeless.  There is a lot to sort through on what's out there and what's valid / what works for you. It's a lot of trial and error. I think rather than not try anything at all, try to research as much as possible, try to see what makes sense to you and try it out. If it's starting to seem like it's not right, give yourself permission to do something else.

I hope your day today will be better than yesterday. Maybe take some time to get some much needed rest so you can recover from earlier in the week.  :thumbup:

alliematt


alliematt

I had an EXTREMELY frustrating morning online.  During our Sunday School I lost my Internet connection and couldn't get back in the class.

My son greeted me with a news story he was watching about someone making masks.  He was upset because it was about masks and he doesn't want to wear them. 

I am OBESE, cannot seem to lose weight, so what do I do?  Get everyone McDonald;s for lunch!

Life has become too hard, too difficult, too frustrating, and too exhausting for me.  And I wonder if I even want to get well.

Not Alone

Alliematt,
I sure get the frustration on trying to relate to people online, and then internet not working. I'm sure it's really hard for your son to understand about masks and I'm guessing disturbing to him to have it on his face.  I can relate to being overweight and then buying McDonald's. It is so hard and frustrating. I hear that you are really exhausted.

alliematt

I think I *was* really exhausted when I wrote that entry.  After a week in which we've had rough times with our WiFi, I did some tinkering with our system and it *may* be working.  My husband, unfortunately, is having problems with his WORK connection.  Here's a funny:  He had to borrow MY office area to get his work done and I had to borrow HIS office area to have a teletherapy session!

After my session today with my counselor, we both agree that the entire planet needs a diagnosis of "adjustment disorder". No one is handling things optimally these days at all.  Perhaps that calls for all of us to show some extra grace.

alliematt

I'm already feeling tense this morning.

Saturdays is usually when it's the worst, because:

1.  I don't always know if I should expect my husband to want sex.  (Some time back, he was "in the mood" when I had a full bladder, my son was taking a shower and I couldn't get in, and we were at the point where we really couldn't stop.). I've told him before that I can't always drop everything and do it, but that I do better when I can anticipate it happening.

2.  My husband tends to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, on saturdays especially.  I KNOW he needs someone to talk with about the subjects he enjoys.  But there are times he can go on and on and on.

3.  This particular day, my BFF was pinging me on Messenger (she's visiting grandkids this weekend) and I sometimes feel that if I don't respond immediately, she will end up calling me asking if I am okay.  Which she's done on occasion.  Sometimes, I just don't feel like talking! 

4.  I'm just plain tired of everything.  Yesterday my counselor and I said that the entire planet needed a diagnosis of adjustment disorder. 

5.  I don't want to do chores today.  They never get done.

6.  If I put earbuds in or earphones on, often, what happens is that either husband or son will come up and/or start talking, which means I have to take earbuds/earphones off to hear them.  When they're done, I put earphones back on .. . Few minutes later, they start talking, so earbuds come off.  Off, on, off, on, off, on. 

7.  I'm afraid that no matter what I say or do, I'm going to be accused of some sort of microaggression.  I'm trying to understand our history of race and racism but sometimes I feel like it's never enough. 

8.  I am OBESE, need to lose weight, and feel so ashamed of how big I've let myself get and how much I've let myself go.  Which makes me want to cry and reach for the cookies and candy.  Last night I made Mac and cheese with salmon.  Loaded with carbs.  But when I've tried to change eating habits, I can't stick with it.  And my husband and son WILL NOT eat what I try to eat.  so then I have to worry about buying particular food for all three of us.  I'm tired of worrying about what to eat. 

9.  yesterday I asked for suggestions on a description I was writing.  This morning I was told that I was asking other people to do my writing for me.  I resent that.  This was something I needed help with and I asked for help!

10.  And with all of the above, if someone disagrees with me, the first thing I think is, "They're right and I'm wrong and I have to apologize and agree with them.  And if I don't, I will be shamed into doing so."

I turned off FB for today.  I keep saying "I'm worn out from all of it."

AND, we've been having Wi-Fi problems all week; I tinkered with a few things and it seems to be working better .. .  BUT, my husband's work Wi-Fi isn't working well.  I can't figure out if our cable company will come out and help us reconfigure our network.  I'm afraid that all they want us to do is to buy their WiFi pods.  We know someone who is a computer expert . ..  and guess who gets to email them to ask, what can we do?  ME!  I am tired of being the go-to IT expert in my house! 

Is it okay that I just want to curl up and cry?

rainydiary

QuoteIs it okay that I just want to curl up and cry?
Yes!!!  :hug:

Your Saturdays feel like mine too and I could really resonate with what you said.  Thank you for sharing.  I hope you are able to find ease today.

alliematt

Today is a day I wish we were allowed swears in here.  I understand the reason behind that rule, though, and I'm not going to break it.  I will just find other appropriate words to express myself. 

I'm down on myself and just can't seem to progress.  I wrote a FB comment about how I'm just plain tired of all of it, but what are people supposed to do?  So many of my problems are where I've been stuck  for years, even decades.  I've despaired of ever getting better.

alliematt

I have had one thing after another go wrong with our computers/WiFi for about the last week or two.  We may have to throw in the towel and call our ISP.  I hate technology.  And with everything else going on, I feel totally, completely STRESSED!
:fallingbricks:

sanmagic7

hey, allie,

you are going thru so much - no wonder you want to curl up and cry, or just swear here.  i've been there - it has helped me to write out all those nasty thoughts, feelings, and words on paper, get all that blackness out of me, then toss it in the garbage can outside.  just getting it out of me felt a bit cleansing.  just a thought.

sending love and a hug filled w/ care and some comfort for you and your heavy heart. :hug:

alliematt

Well, life has added another layer to the word "interesting".  My husband's been exposed to someone who tested positive for COVID.  They were both masked and practicing social distancing.  (This happened at the workplace.)

He'll have to quarantine for the next couple of weeks. 

Long sigh . . .

:spooked: :fallingbricks:

sanmagic7

best with this, allie.  i've been dealing w/ my hub in mex. while he's been recovering from covid.  so far, he's hangin' on.  i hope your H does not get it.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  love and hugs to you and your family, my dear. :hug:

alliematt

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 04, 2020, 04:04:56 AM
best with this, allie.  i've been dealing w/ my hub in mex. while he's been recovering from covid.  so far, he's hangin' on.  i hope your H does not get it.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  love and hugs to you and your family, my dear. :hug:

Thank you back.  So far, hubby is fine.  He is quarantined in the home office so he can still work.  I took him up a box of tea this morning.  He asked me to make him some, and after I did, I also brought him a heating element so he could just stick that into water and heat it up. 

(I now have a place I can banish him to if necessary.   ;D ;D)