Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Hope67]

Hi alliemat,

Wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok    I hope you were able to get some better sleep. 

Hope 

[mojay]

I got TWO responses from a group of 19 people, they were hearts on my comment. Maybe I'm being unfair, selfish, and self-pitying, but that hurt.  I would have liked for at least someone to say, "Thank you for being concerned." ... I wonder if we're just more comfortable offering our thoughts to the sick than we are to those who are emotionally hurting.

I wonder, too, if people are just uncomfortable when I talk about dealing with depression. Is it me? Are people just tired of my "what about me?" attitude that I fear I'm projecting? 

Alliematt, I don't think it is unfair, selfish or self-pitying to feel hurt by the group's response. I think you were very brave and compassionate to reach out to them and offer a safe place for them to talk. I'm so sorry that they have let you down, I can see how that would be hurtful :c
I agree with your thought that people are more comfortable offering concern to those with physical illness rather than discussing emotional hurt - especially when it comes to depression. I do not think it is "you" at all. More of a cultural thing in my humble opinion.

And why do I feel like I have to do all of this alone?

We're here with you on OOTS!! I hope it's not too intrusive to say: please think of us if you ever feel terribly alone. I know it's not a replacement for your other relationships, but we see you and hear you. Sending you a hug if that's okay with you 

[alliematt]

:: snarl :: Did not sleep well last night.

Sunday I sang on praise team and got compliments.  But when I saw myself on our YouTube video, I thought, I look like an absolute blimp. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at the way I look. Then I want to cry and eat more. How do you exercise and make good food choices when you're tired all the time and that gives you brain fog?

I need to get to work for today.  AND, last week I found out my son's vo-tech caseworker left; which means I have to get used to yet ANOTHER caseworker (we talk Friday at 3:30). AND I'm getting in touch with what are called supported employment vendors, people who help other people get jobs.

I should not have to do this! My son should be graduating from college right about now and looking for his own job; but since he has autism, that isn't going to happen!

[alliematt]

It's over. As of 1:15 today, my son is no longer a public school student. Today was his age out day. He got so much stuff for a going away party that his teacher and their assistant followed the bus home to deliver everything!

I have so many mixed emotions. I'm sure I will need to take my time to process stuff. (I did tell my son to "decompress" because he had earned it!)

[alliematt]

Guys, I AM EXHAUSTED. My body is just screaming that it's exhausted.  All week I've done practically nothing but play Sims and work on proofing. I've already done over 4000 pages of proofing and the year is only 50 days old. I did open a bank account for my son on Tuesday (and because I forgot that my husband takes the car that day, my son and I used Uber for the first time!) I have an assignment due today and I can't get going on it. DH is also stressed. He had major phone duty yesterday. We're playing phone tag with people who are going to replace our roof. And I have a phone call with my son's voc rehab counselor this afternoon.

[alliematt]

Why did I get picked on as a child? This is the question I can't answer or can't get answered.

The spiritual abuse as a college student I can understand because that wasn't personal. That was a system that was used to abuse people and I was not the only victim there.

The bullying?  That was personal. That was targeted.

I once counted up 40 different people who bullied me in one way or another through 12 years of school. Now, obviously, if that many people bullied me, and I'm the common denominator, it must be me, right? What did I do that was so horrible that people felt like it was okay to bully me? What was it about me that attracted bullies? Was I that bad? was I that weird?

And for the third week in a row, I'm not going to get to the gym. I was doing SO WELL and then got hit with a bunch of work . . . AND I NEED TO WORK TO PAY OFF DEBT. We just borrowed money to have the roof repaired. It will have to be paid back.

[alliematt]

I just plain feel sad today.  I've had bad dreams (not nightmares) during the last couple of days; I'm obsessed with, does a particular person like or hate me (a person I see at church) and I shouldn't BE so obsessed; I have proofing work due tomorrow and I'm not in the mood to do it, and I'm just so sad about what is currently going on in the world. And I'm worried about my son's future. I'm worried that there will be no one for him when we're gone.

I need someone or somewhere to say this, but who and where?

And when I think about worry or fear, I hear myself saying to my mother -- after telling her I thought I was "going crazy" -- "That's what I'm afraid of" and her screaming back at me, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

When she said that, I was 17, had gone through 12 years of bullying, and my parents had just pulled me off the school bus due to said bullying. And I had a bad relationship with my boyfriend; he didn't give me the courtesy to tell me that we had broken up.

So yeah, I was afraid then, and I'm afraid now. 

[alliematt]

I'm recovering from being ill, have a lot on my plate today, the roof is being fixed Thursday . . . and I just plain feel unhappy. And I feel guilty for feeling unhappy. I have had a load to carry for too long and I'm just tired, as I have been for a very long time.

 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and things are difficult. I think it's pretty reasonable to be unhappy when you're overburdened and tired (not to mention chronically scared and stressed). Maybe you can do a bit of self care? It's okay to rest for a while sometimes, especially when you're ill.

I hope you feel better soon!  if you would like.

[alliematt]

I was in and out of bed all weekend. And even then, I needed to help my husband in applying for our loan online. We had a minor bit of panic when we saw "your closing documents have expired, please call . .  ." And did another loan application.  I had a rough time being patient with my husband. He is not as computer savvy as I am.

I ended up calling the bank on Monday and finding out that no, we didn't need do another loan application, we just needed to call the bank. So we've both electronically signed the documents and the people will be coming to replace the roof on Thursday.

[alliematt]

I have not posted here in a long time, in fact, the warning at the top of this post says "this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days." I haven't posted because mainly the workload and life itself has just gotten to be too much for me.

A few weeks ago,I had what I called the week from Hades.  I proofread 756 pages that week and 300 of them were on one deposition. The people I work for are dealing with COVID backlog. Last week I had another week from Hades. This time, i proofread 950 pages. Right now I'm at the dentist's with my son for a cleaning (his) and i have about 215 pages to proof when I get back. Those are due tomorrow.

We had a power outage on Friday but everything is back to normal. Except for our thermostat. Our screen is black and I don't know why. My husband handed me a flyer we'd gotten in the mail from an HVAC company, saying, we've worked with them before.  I handed it back to him, saying, "Then YOU call them." He eventually got online and made an appointment, but in the back of my head I kept thinking, I don't think they're the ones who installed our thermostat.  After doing a LOT of Googling online, i finally figured out that it was another company that installed it. I made an appointment online with them and I'm supposed to hear from them sometime today. My point being;  Why am I the one who has to worry about this stuff? Why am I the one to carry the emotional load? My husband does ask if he can help and there are ways that he does. But his idea of 'making up a meal list' is going through all of our cookbooks and writing down possible recipes without thinking about, do we have the ingredients, how easy is it to cook, how much will it cost, and will our son eat it? I asked him a while ago, could he make grilled cheese? He said, no. More recently I asked if he and our son could make waffles. He overmixed the batter and the waffles didn't turn out at all.
He *won't* use delivery apps on the phone. There are some things I do because, well, I'm available and since I'm available, I'm the one to do them.

My body crashed on Saturday. Sunday I spent most of the day in bed. That was the same Sunday my husband handed me the HVAC flyer. I was also thinking, I'm ill. Why do I have to worry about this? (I think my adrenals were shot and that's why I got sick. I'm well enough today to take my son to the dentist.)

We're working with Voc Rehab to find my son a job. He would rather not work. He'd rather stay home and play on his electronics. I also got the ball rolling with Social Security to sign up for benefits. That was at the end of June and I am STILL waiting on the paperwork that was supposed to come in the mail about a week ago. My son's also had one job interview and that did not pan out. He's working with a job coach through Voc rehab so that makes interviews a little easier. I'm the one that will probably have to take him to work and back unless the job is on a bus line... in which case, I am probably the one who will have to show him how to use the bus.

We've had several people leave our church, including several people I know pretty well, and although I know people have the right to leave and go where they want, it makes me sad and it makes me angry. What did we do that was so bad? And if certain people are leaving (one of them is a former elder of ours) does that mean I should leave, too? But my son, especially, is very attached to the church and i don't want to leave for his sake; plus, I do appreciate our preacher.

I'm down to seeing my counselor once a month because she's had to raise her rates. We do get a percentage reimbursed by our insurance but even with that, I can't afford to see her more often.

I can't talk to my husband about politics. I see us going in different directions and there's a tone in his voice when he talks about certain issues that make me afraid to pursue the subject with him. I can't talk to my BFF about certain things with our church because she disagrees with me and I don't want to start a fight. I can't share with a lot of people some of the things that I think about religion and God and other things because it would involve a very long back story about who I'm talking about and what I'm talking about and why it's important to me. 

I can't quit my job because we owe about 2500 on the roof, 33,000 on my student loans, and 18,000 on the mortgage, AND we need other work done on the house as well. Plus I'd like to paint the walls and get some new carpeting. Or put down flooring. What I REALLY want to do is buy an RV and go traveling.  But it's not so much the travel I want as it is the escape. I can't cope. I seriously researched leaving the US several years ago. WE can't do it because we have a child with special needs that may or may not be accepted.

I watch This Is Us and there was one episode where a character was in serious disagreement with her husband about an issue.  She told him, 'I can't find the door.' Meaning, I can't find a way to solve this problem. Well, that's where I am. I can't find the door. I don't even know if there is a door.  I sometimes think I would rather whine about how bad things are than do something about them. But I'm also afraid of trying a solution and just being disappointed by failure.

I wish I could come back here and say I'm doing better. 

[Armee]

Hi.   

I'm new here. That's a lot to be dissatisfied with and it sounds overwhelming. I couldn't manage to come up with solutions to all that either. I will say though that if YOU are happy with your church then maybe allow that just because it isn't working for others doesn't mean you should also leave? That seems like a stress/decision that at least temporarily could be lifted off your overburdened shoulders, for a short time at least. 

Grr to your husband for not carrying the emotional and practical load. No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed.

[alliematt]

First off, welcome!  Second, thanks for responding.  Third, one thing I left out of my post that you might not be aware of is that my son is autistic. He's 22. That is why getting Social Security started AND getting him work is important. He needs to contribute something. He's attached to our church because people there accept him for who he is, and one reason I don't think changing churches is a good idea is because there is a very real possibility that if we ever go anywhere else, he may NOT be accepted. I also think if that the main reason I'm coming up with to leave is "because other people are", I'm not sure how good a reason that is *to* leave.

[Armee]

That's definitely all very super important and I'm only sorry all of it falls on you. It sounds overwhelming and I am sorry your church friends are leaving. 😪

[alliematt]

One reason so much falls on me is because I'm the one available. My husband has a set schedule, even though he works at home, and he's thinking about going back to the office permanently.  (One reason I selfishly want him to is because the room he's using as an office, *I* was using as an office before he took it over I want my office back.  )The reason he *did* need to use that particular room is because he works with confidential information and so he needs to be in a secure place. That part I can understand. Where I work is in our bedroom. We have a big bedroom so I can work in one part of it . . . but I can't work in the bedroom after 8 pm because that's when he goes to bed, because he gets up around 4:30 a.m.

I'm a legal proofreader. I can set my own schedule just as long as I get my work in on time. I have a flexibility my husband does not have. We work pretty well together most of the time. The last year and a half has been very hard on everyone and I'm sure that's part of what I'm feeling.  Throw in autism and health problems, and I have good reasons to be overwhelmed.