Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Little2Nothing]

Alliematt, I have the same fear as you. It seems every presidential election cycle that violence erupts. That violence seems to get closer and closer to where I live. So yeah, fear is a natural reaction to uncertain situations. Though it can be crippling and unhealthy, it is also protective. Listen to your fear and plan for your safety.

[alliematt]

I FORGOT MY COUNSELING APPOINTMENT TODAY!! It wasn't on my phone. So through an exchange of emails, I got things rescheduled. I know people forget things, but why can't I stop beating myself up every time I make an honest mistake?

And I've had so much proofing these last few weeks. I'm glad for the money but I'm working myself to exhaustion.

[Blueberry]

Hey, it's great you got it re-scheduled!

To err is human and you are human, you are not a machine.

I imagine somewhere in your past somebody wasn't too forgiving about honest mistakes.

[alliematt]

Bad day today. My blood work for my Type 2 Diabetes came back and the numbers were bad. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Although a phone call from a friend helped, I'm having a hard time recovering. Today I lay in bed before a nap and thought, everything that everyone ever said/did to me who hated me was right. Every bully had a good reason to bully me.

One of the last things my mother said to me before she started going downhill health wise was, the only thing I have against you is that you used to be so little, and after you had him (my son), you changed and I don't know why.

It was a comment on my weight.

I look and feel like a blimp and feel totally unlikeable, like not even God likes me.

And although the majority of comments I have gotten online have been encouraging, one comment accused me of whining and another said, how did I expect my numbers to be good if I wasn't doing what I was supposed to? I haven't been eating as I should and have not gotten to the gym consistently. I feel like a failure in everything. The proofing work has been exhausting. We came very close to bouncing our federal (US) tax payment because the checks we wrote for state and federal taxes and for my son's naturopath appointment all went through the same week. I got a notice from the bank saying that we had a negative bank balance. I 1) panicked, 2) transferred money from savings to checking, 3) texted my husband, who told me it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Fortunately, the deposit was processed before our federal tax payment so we are okay. 

I'm about to go to bed and I'd rather curl up in a ball and stay there. I have beaten myself up badly today because I feel like I deserve it.      

[Little2Nothing]

Alliematt, I'm sorry your are having such a difficult time. 

[Chart]

Alliematt I identify so much. Saturday and I'm lying in bed exhausted. Have zero initiative, eating so-so, not doing what my trauma gurus are telling me, so not really making progress. I only manage to work and only that for the safety of the money. Can't find the energy to look for a new job. Juggling payments and bills all the time, always on the edge. Need to do my taxes... Internal critic having a field day... Ungh... you are not alone. Not alone at all. I wish you and me courage and hope. I send hugs and support.
 

[alliematt]

I just looked at my last entry and should note that I started the Noom program (with an accountability partner) and while my weight keeps bouncing up and down gaining and losing the same 3-4 pounds, at least I am doing something. Doc has also put me on a second diabetes med and I see the dietician again in July.

Possible trigger warning:  unaliving mentioned

I saw an article today about a 10-year-old who unalived themselves due to constant bullying at school. I was a bully victim, and whenever I see stories like that, I start spiraling because I want to know WHY I was singled out for being bullied. Even after over 40-50 years, it still hurts. I don't understand what I did that was so bad that made other people pick on me. I just do not get it. Was I that weird?

All week I've been proofreading and my schedule has been like this: Get up, eat, proof, have lunch, take nap, relax a little, make dinner, then go back to proof, then go to bed . . . lather, rinse, repeat. I have no time for anything else.
 

[alliematt]

I had a good thing and bad thing happen yesterday. (Content warning: Spiritual/religious content and some political content. Exercise appropriate self-care when/if reading.

Yesterday, I got an instant message from a woman I'd been in college with, who studied the Bible with me and was instrumental in me getting baptized and joining the church I was part of in college. In her message, she apologized for being "arrogant" with me and told me I was "a beautiful, gentle person of integrity." I was happily shocked. I mean, is that really how people see me?

Then also yesterday, on another social media board, someone talked about after they placed membership in "a certain church" where I live, the church had, a few years back, sent out letters asking members to sell jewelry, take out second mortgages, etc. to help fund a new building. I DMed the person, thinking I knew what the church was.

It was the church I attend currently.

They referred to "begging letters" for the "teen wing", said that the auditorium "used to be packed" (which now, we're not even meeting in the auditorium because the sound quality is poor and we do not have the money to refurbish the place like we would like to - ironically, we had plans to start a fund-raising program *the very week* the pandemic shut everything down.). The poster said that they'd left a couple of years after our current preacher came on board. They also accused my church of going "off the rails", said they were "heretical" and asked, what's the attendance like these days?

I responded with: 1) I was part of our church when they did fundraising for the so-called "teen wing", and I do not remember being asked to sell anything or take out a second mortgage on our house in order to fund raise. Maybe we did get a letter that said that, but that was a good 20 years ago. I remember the groundbreaking for that expansion. My son was four and he's now 25.

I did say that the attendance was pretty decent. I did not tell them that my husband is the one that takes the attendance count each week. I can very easily ask him, how many people are attending at the moment?

Lastly, I said that calling something "heretical" was a pretty serious charge and that I'd appreciate some examples of our so-called "heresy."

I'm angry, sad, and upset. Is this yet another church that is teaching falsehood that I may have to leave?

And every time I go into a downward spiral, the two phrases that are going to come up are, "I'm so tired," and "I want out."

This week I was also sick for a couple of days and had to cancel two doctor's appointments. (I tested negative for COVID.)

Next week I take my son to our naturopath and we also are meeting with a lawyer to start estate planning.

We've also spent over 1,000 dollars getting our car fixed. It needed new bulbs, new tires, a replacement front flap that kept making noise whenever we drove, and it needed an alignment. The cherry on the top was me going out to the garage a couple of days ago and discovering that one of the tires was flat! We'd run over a screw. It could have been either in the garage or out on the roadway. I hate our finances.

And US residents yesterday experienced the results of a trial that will have political implications. My husband and I aren't agreeing totally on politics right now and I'm afraid to broach the subject with him. That's another reason I just want out. I am tired of trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong and trying to gather evidence for which side or argument is correct and which is not.

[Chart]

Hey Alliematt, I identify with the Right/Wrong debate bigtime. I'm now in the "Let it go" philosophy. I don't fight anymore. I think it has to do with trauma and the constant feeling of being in the wrong. Now I just don't go into debates. Unless I CHOOSE. I'm loving just walking away now. I just let it go. I'd prefer spending time with my inner child or my own real child. Time Much better spent.

Just my thoughts. Sending hugs if that's okay!

[natureluvr]

Hi Alliemat, I can identify with having issues with churches. I know how hard it is to have to leave a church and find a new one.  That, on top of health issues, and financial issues sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot.  Sending you prayers, if that is OK.

I can also relate very much to the scars left from being bullied in school, and how it stays with us for so long. I don't think it was our fault, I think in schools there are always certain kids who need a target to bully.  It makes them feel powerful. 

[alliematt]

Going on my third day of being physically sick. Had an upset stomach, feel rotten all over, and am mildly congested. Negative for COVID.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Going on my third day of being physically sick. Had an upset stomach, feel rotten all over, and am mildly congested. Negative for COVID.

Sorry to hear you're sick, I hope you can prescribe yourself some soup and bed rest!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Little2Nothing]

Hope you feel better soon. 

[Chart]

Sick here too. My daughter's got the same thing maybe. Hope you feel better soon Alliematt!

[alliematt]

(Content warning: Some mention of politics and religion; exercise appropriate care when reading.

Last night was the presidential debate in the USA, and while I didn't watch it, I heard about it and what I heard leaves me very discouraged.

I'm tired. I can't talk with most people about either politics or religion, so I end up trauma dumping on social media and that's not necessarily a good thing, either. But what am I supposed to do? I don't know.

I have a disabled son and health concerns of my own. We have debt. And we have a very troubled country. I'm afraid of what will happen if certain people get into office. And I can't shake the fear. I'm a believer in God who should not be afraid but I am afraid.

As a kid, I was powerless against bullies, and then in college I was powerless against spiritual abuse. Now I feel powerless against the political situation. The way I dealt with abuse in the past was to run away from it. And now I can't. I feel so trapped. Nothing seems to help.