Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Am I a bad person because I just don't want to deal with certain current events today? 

[Three Roses]

Absolutely, positively not! You have the right to deal with only what you want to!

[alliematt]

Absolutely, positively not! You have the right to deal with only what you want to!

Love this quote!!!

This past week was a rough one, and I think I know two reasons why:  1.  I have been waiting a WEEK for my estrogen patch.  It's on order by the pharmacy . . . and I am completely OUT.  I'm in my 50's and in menopause.  A woman without her estrogen is not a pretty sight.    

2.  I had FOUR NIGHTS in a row where we were at church for one thing or another.  There were three nights of Vacation Bible School (we have ours in the evening and the adults have a class as well as the kids; the teenagers got to do their own activity).  After classes, the children's ministry put on a three-part play about the story of Esther which was a lot of fun (it was adults doing the main roles; there was plenty of humor and a LOT of talent.)  The fourth night was praise team practice where we worked on new music.

As much as I am tempted to beat myself up for being irritable this past week, I WILL give myself credit for realizing that part of the problem is chemically based and should resolve itself once I get my hormones in order.  Not only that, there was one evening where I was in such a bad mood that I dropped my son off at church and then went up the street to Burger King and wrote in my journal for an hour.  Then I went back to the church building to see the play.  I was in a much better frame of mind. 

I got at-home work on Monday and Tuesday, didn't get anything Wednesday, and I also had a doctor's appointment Thursday (and a back adjustment Wednesday).  When I realized how much activity was going on, I emailed the people I work for and told them I couldn't take any more work this week.  #selfcare 

My husband will be taking vacation time for the next two weeks.  My son's got his own appointment on Tuesday.  I'm going to assign my husband the job of taking my son!

[alliematt]

AARGH!!!

Today has been a bad day.

I didn't fall asleep until nearly 2 am.  And THAT was with the help of Advil PM.  Which I have since been told isn't good to use and I should use melatonin instead, but whenever I use it, I wake up with a headache. 

This morning my DH wanted sex.  I was tired so I didn't give him any.  He's a decent sport when I am not in the mood, thank goodness.  But when I went over to get some stuff out of the drawer, he turned me around and kissed me.  I don't think he always understands that I'm not always in the mood for sex the first thing in the morning!

I finished proofing work I needed to do, tried to take a nap (didn't work very well), went to get two pairs of new shoes for my son which had to be non-skid (this is a requirement for the program he's going into).

I am stuck.

I'm paralyzed by anxiety every time I try to write on my current writing project.  I'm so afraid it's not going to be good enough.  My inner critic hates me.

I am so tired of current events.  And I feel so helpless to do anything.  I end up posting or lashing out on social media and that's not necessarily a good thing.  I need a friend here that I can really talk to face to face and I'm not sure if I have one.

I want to scream.    I want to say, STOP IT!!! PLEASE!! STOP IT!! STOP THE ARGUING AND FIGHTING!!! STOP IT!!

Everyone can write better than me. 

And I don't debate well.  Just for once, I want to be the person that has an answer for everything.  Everyone else does!  Why can't I?

[alliematt]

I just feel like screaming.  why does my inner critic have to be SO MEAN?  And why do I feel like everyone gets heard but me?  And why does that sound so selfish?  Other people deserve to be heard.  But it seems like someone with MY feelings and opinions doesn't deserve to be heard as much as others with other opinions.  MY opinions are always wrong.  Everyone else's is always right.  People with other opinions always win.  People with my opinions don't.  They always lose.  And I'm so tired and demoralized from always losing.  ALWAYS.  There are things I have no power over but I have to deal with the fallout of them. 

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

After my mother met my first college roommate, who was a musical theater major, she said the following to me:

"You're going to have to be more sophisticated if you're going to hang around her."

I remember I asked her what she meant.  I remember she said something back.  I don't remember what she said.  What I do remember is this message, loud and clear, that, "You're not good enough.  People are going to laugh at you because you're not 'sophisticated'."

Years later, a counselor I spoke to said that he got the impression that "sophisticated" meant "rich snob".   To this day, I dislike the word "sophisticated" because it sums up everything that I am not.

I have a poor sense of fashion.  My mother has said on several occasions that I'd probably be a lot happier if I dressed differently.  Which may or may not be true.  I don't know.  My sister has a much better fashion sense, and growing up, she let me know it.  But what I found interesting was that on one occasion, she borrowed one of my blouses without asking me, and when she came in the door, I started screaming at her, "Take it off!" (I was a teenager, she was either in her late teens or early 20's.) 

I think my parents said something to her.  But my father also said to me, "You can tell people that I didn't raise you to be selfish."  Which totally ignored the fact that she never asked my permission to borrow something of mine.

Why, nearly 40 years later, does this episode still make me so angry??

[Three Roses]

Because it's still not resolved; it's just another example of the lopsided household rules you were subjected to. Privileges and responsibilities were unevenly and unfairly assigned and you were expected to not rock the boat!

[alliematt]

Today I feel defeated.

Totally.

I woke up in a foul mood, went back to sleep, woke up groggy and in a foul mood.

I've tried everything.  I end up writing everything that is wrong with me and discouraging other people.

I've tried Weight Watchers, but it's overwhelming to me to count points and keep track of food. 

I can't figure out what's healthy and not healthy to eat.  If I try to eat organic, it'll cost me an arm and a leg and I can't afford it.  I can't afford non-GMO, gluten-free, antibiotic-free, grass-fed, cage-free, pesticide-free, fair trade, locally grown food!

I have a schedule but end up not following it. 

I've tried exercising.  I went walking until I pulled a muscle.  Then switched to swimming until my schedule got interrupted one too many times.  Now I'm dealing with a skin rash.  And I'm tired all the time. 

I use a CPAP.  And I still snore.

I've spent a boatload of money trying to get treated for adrenal fatigue.  I've given up on that, too. 

*I* am always the one who is in the wrong and who has to give up my opinions.  The side I am on always gets shouted down. 

With the Bible, I feel like I have to have a theology degree to understand what it really says. 

It's impossible to write books when I have to work to pay off debt. 

And it seems like that no matter what I say, I am going to offend someone.  I feel as if I am walking on eggshells these days.

My inner critic is having a field day today.

[Three Roses]

I identify strongly with everything you've said.

I've given up on eating right and exercise, focusing instead on what is most natural/least processed, and on accepting my shape as it is.

When I'm in a funk and can't seem to fight it off, I accept that too and warn the people I live with that I'm in a bad mood, and not to take anything I say to heart. (Strangely enough, sometimes just giving myself permission to be angry/upset is enough to sort of lift the mood.)

I've given up trying to sway people to my way of thinking. I am trying to focus instead on what I am *really* thinking - what's behind my reactions and feelings. I dislike being shouted down. My opinions and beliefs are mine, period, and I don't have to justify them. I am learning to do as I please and not bother asking for permission.

With the Bible, I've taken to just quietly asking its author what it means - for me. I am focusing less on whether it's literal or not and focusing more on the principles it teaches and how to apply them to my life and behavior.

If I speak my truth when necessary, it is not on me if anyone gets offended. In fact, their reaction is really none of my business. That's their responsibility. As long as I'm trying to be functional and mindful of how I phrase things, that's enough.

Thank you for posting this, alliematt! I'm so sorry you are struggling today and I hope you can find the energy to rewrite the rules that have been foisted on you. I'll be thinking of you today. Have you thought of visiting the porch? There's a cozy spot there with your name on it!

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.0

[alliematt]

Thank you for the link to the porch! 

One thing I did do was go get coffee and a couple of other things.  I also know that when I wake up in a foul mood and don't feel my best, that's when I'm the most likely to "go off" on social media.  Things always look worse when I don't sleep well or don't feel well.

[Candid]

(Strangely enough, sometimes just giving myself permission to be angry/upset is enough to sort of lift the mood.)

I've noticed that effect, too. Just telling those around us that we're in a bad space really helps us connect.

One thing I did do was go get coffee and a couple of other things. 

Oh darn, I read "go get coffee" as "get off coffee" and was about to ask how you did it! I'm now certain it scrambles my head, which then buzzes round and round the most petty of issues. I know for a fact that it's messing with my sleep.

Hugs to both of you. I've woken up in a better space today but yesterday was a nightmare.

[alliematt]

Not having a good day today.  It seems that every gimmick I try fails, and I'm tired of failing.  Stress level is high and there's no way to take anything off my plate.

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

I'm sorry I can't get better.  I'm sorry I feel so sad.  I'm sorry that I keep feeling sad. I'm sorry for bothering people with my feelings and my thoughts. 

I can't snap out of this blue funk.  Yesterday I was exhausted after taking my son to the naturopath.  Then last night I took ibuprofen PM to get to sleep.  It's not healthy but I don't know any other way to get to sleep. 

So many things I'm overwhelmed by and I can't even make a list.