Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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woodsgnome

Great to hear of your good vibes--you deserve it; thanks for sharing... and congratulations!

:cheer:

Three Roses


alliematt

Today is my birthday, and I'm not really sure how I feel about this one.

I'm officially in my middle 50's now, I'm probably eligible for a bunch of senior discounts, and I guess I feel the literal and figurative pain of getting older. 

This is the first birthday without my mother.  She wasn't really "there" for my birthday last year, so I don't really feel that loss as much as I might have if she'd been "there". 

And yesterday, I got results of an MRI I had on my knee.  It's been hurting since Labor Day and I don't really know what I did to it.  Turns out I have a slight meniscus tear and a Baker's cyst, and I will be having knee surgery next week.  I think that's a big reason why I don't completely feel the "happy birthday" vibes today.  It's hard to feel the vibes when you're in pain. 

And I miss childhood birthdays.  I miss cake and presents and being sung to.  Nowadays, I get a check from my mom-in-law.  My husband is pretty good about getting gifts if I tell him what I want; he also knows that I enjoy Bath and Body Works.  He got some of that for me last week as an anniversary/birthday gift.   

I don't think I feel sad as much as I feel solemn.

sanmagic7

good luck with your surgery - i'm glad you discovered what was causing the pain.

i'm a birthday girl myself - love birthday celebrations, cake and ice cream, presents, a big fuss made over me.  i think as i get older, i still want that childlike feeling of birthdays, even tho i can't really remember them being any big deal when i really was a child.  i guess i want what i've seen on tv and the movies, what i hadn't gotten when i was younger.

so, happy belated birthday to you, allie, you darling birthday girl.  here's some celebration fun for you:

:cake: :party: :waveline: :fireworks: :boogie: :)) :)) :)) :woohoo:

enjoy, birthday girl.  we'll just extend it here one more day.  love and hugs, sweetie.

alliematt

I had praise team practice last night, and I got sung to. :-)


alliematt

I'm waving hello from my sofa with my leg propped up.  I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee Tuesday.  Husband has been spoiling me since then. 

Three Roses

I sure hope you're feeling better soon! It's nice to be spoiled for a change, eh?  :hug:

alliematt

After yet another act of violence in our country, I had a minor meltdown online.  This time, though, I was able to have a decent discussion with people that don't necessarily share my opinions but who reminded me that I was free to have mine. 

I'm still distressed over the violence, but I am also weighing a couple of issues in my head: 

1.  Although I have the right to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc., my question is:  When, how, where, and with whom do I share them? 
2.  Given that I have a limited amount of resources, where do I allocate those resources? 

I know none of you can answer those questions for me; these are ones I have to answer for myself. 

alliematt

So much for having a decent day yesterday.  I didn't sleep well last night and stayed home from my ladies' group today.   I got a message back for the person i work for about mistakes I made on yesterday's job.  And I just want to sit here and cry.  I keep analyzing why I want to cry and trying to figure out a reason for it, or what triggered it . . . and just for once, I just want to cry without trying to figure out a reason for it!

I'm so tired of events in the world that I would just rather crawl into a hole.  THEN I get told that no, you can't do that, because then what happens?  I feel like if I don't do whatever my supposed "job" is, I am going to be single-handedly responsible for the death of democracy in the free world.  That's too much of a burden to put on myself or for anyone to dare to put on me. 

My son just got home, and of course, every so often he's going to interrupt what I'm doing in order to show me what he's watching.

And I need to remember to stretch every so often to help my leg heal. 


alliematt

I probably did some poor planing with the work at home stuff.  I got a job on Friday and didn't start it until Saturday afternoon.  It took me eight hours total over three days -- Saturday, Sunday, and Monday -- to proof 180 pages.  This was a doctor's testimony in a malpractice case.  On Sunday we left the house at 8 a.m. and didn't get back until 7 p.m.  I finally finished this morning and said, I'm going back to bed. 

My husband and I made a list of stuff that needs to be fixed.  It's a lenghty one, starting with the roof. 

Next week I start physical therapy.  Stress level is just getting too high and I don't know how to lower it!!  When do we get the time and where do we get the money to fix everything that we need/want to have fixed?

And I am dealing with envy.  Two ladies in the church group I am part of have husbands who are pilots and OWN PRIVATE PLANES.  (At least one of them has used their plane to load up a bunch of supplies for recent hurricane victims and deliver them. :-) ) Two of them also have homes in another state and they use those for tax purposes (that's their "official residence" in a state that doesn't pay income taxes.)  A few weeks ago, I was listening to a conversation where two ladies were talking about their different credit cards and the points they'd accumulated . . . and here I am, worried about how to pay back debt and how my son will be taken care of when we're gone!

I just messaged a friend that I felt like I was holding on to a stanchion of a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control.  And what does all of this have to do with C-PTSD anyway?

sanmagic7

dearest allie,

i think our heightened sensitivity belongs in the c-ptsd dept.  your reaction to violent acts is valid, to my mind, but many others would think you're being 'too sensitive' (that worn-out sentiment we've heard a million times).  also, the isolation you've felt - altho, it sounds like that went better this time, yay! - and the ongoing supervision and care necessary for someone who needs extra from you (just like caring for an infirm parent or chronically ill child) all takes its toll.

it can be traumatizing to be continually stressed out by the needs of someone else, as well as by financial necessities.  you are living in the midst of chronic stressors with very little time or energy to care for yourself.  i'm glad you can vent here, get some of it out.  personally, i think you're doing a great job with everything you deal with on a daily basis.  please, don't sell yourself short.  you have an inner strength that may be difficult for you to acknowledge, but i see it all over the place.

thanks for sharing.  i hope you continue to do so.  you're not alone in this.  one of my c-ptsd triggers was caring for my mentally ill daughter for over 30 yrs. till i finally had to go nc with her.  this is not easy stuff, but you are managing so much with a huge dose of grace and integrity.   i admire you, allie.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Three Roses


alliematt

Can I run away from home?  I have thoughts about getting into the car, pointing it in one direction, and just driving.  (Marie Osmond did this in a fit of post-partum depression several years ago.) 

In the aftermath of yesterday's elections, I once again feel like I will never be one of "the cool kids".  They are the ones that set the standards in everything, and if you don't measure up, they WILL find a way to make your life miserable.  I call "bull" on "they only have the power you give them".  I never had any power to give to anyone.  They WILL find a way to shame you, lie about you, and they WILL get the last word in. 

What is demoralizing to me is that I just do not see it ever getting better.  Ever.

Boy22

Alliemat,

I understand your comments re power and bullying.

I also know there are a significant number of people who do not believe in that model, but because of the toxic culture that is the norm they keep themselves well hidden.

As someone on the outside I am just bewildered and aghast. The unbelievable is real? No!