Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

  • 447 Replies
  • 10685 Views
*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #405 on: November 08, 2018, 04:01:06 PM »
allie, i'm with you all the way.  standing right beside you, sweetie.  we'll do what we can to keep our heads above water, make our own little worlds as safe as possible for ourselves and those we care about.  it's something i can influence, have some control over - just me and my life.  i've had to let the rest of it go - too depressing.

please, take care of you as best you can.  i actually used to get in my car and just drive, and it was very freeing and refreshing.  once i drove from the midwest to cowboy country, turned around and drove back, looking at some tourist spots along the way.  i loved every minute of it.  maybe it would be a big help if you could do some kind of trip, big or small, just for yourself.

love and hugs.

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 1793
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #406 on: November 08, 2018, 04:33:23 PM »
Some people say they dream (talking about literal dreams here) about flying, about experiencing a rush of freedom from it. Those dreams for me involve driving - always in a weathered old pick up truck down winding country roads, with only a huge dog for company. My idea of heaven.  :cloud9:

*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #407 on: November 08, 2018, 06:17:17 PM »
Who am I supposed to be?  I don't know anymore.  To those who say, be yourself, it was exactly THAT that caused me problems.  It's been made very clear to me over the years that who I am is just not acceptable.  I'm a poor athlete.  I'm smart, but it's not in a science profession, or in business.  I'm not necessarily "woke".  I'm not an extrovert.  I fight depression.  Maybe I'm just tolerated rather than actually liked.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #408 on: November 09, 2018, 02:35:39 AM »
i think you hit on one of the most troublesome questions a lot of us face, allie.  who i was is what got me into most of the problems i encountered along the way.  redefining myself was a process, sometimes bumpy, sometimes confusing, sometimes lit up with 'aha' moments.  it's still ongoing.

we were taught to be a certain way.  deciding if that's our true self is a biggie.  i wish i could give you some wisdom with this, i really do.  just holding out a hand for support and to let you know you're not alone.  you are amazing.   love and hugs.

*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #409 on: November 10, 2018, 05:13:13 PM »
It's Saturday, I don't feel well physically (sore throat), and I'm trying to get some work done.  My computer may have to go into the shop because the Wi-Fi is just too slow.  My husband and my son keep interrupting me.  My husband is picking up stuff that *I* should be picking up.  And in discussing certain current events, I just told someone (my paraphrase) that every time my side fights, the other side fights harder.  They have more and better resources and public opinion is always on their side.  I've just about resigned myself to the fact that things are never going to get better.  Do you know how demoralizing it is to try and try and try and to never, ever see things change?  (I'm sure this is related to the bullying somehow.  When my sister said to me in 12th grade that "they've been picking on you since grade school", that's when I knew it would never change.  THEY WON.  They ganged up on me, two on one, three on one, etc., and I DID NOT fight back because I was the one who was not supposed to fight back. I still call "bull" on the saying "they only have the power you give them".  THEY are the ones who have ALL the power.  I don't have any way to fight back or stand up for myself!  If I do, I'm only going to be shouted down or shamed.)

I have a load on my plate, as you all so well know, and I just don't think things will ever get better.  I'll struggle with depression, have health problems, take meds, and pay on debt for the rest of my life.  It'll never get paid off and when my husband and I die, our son's estate will have to take care of the debt, which will leave nothing for him.  Then he'll wind up in a state institution with no one to take care of him.  I'm a Christian who's supposed to believe that God will take care of her, but I am really struggling with this at the moment!  There's a voice that says to me, if you don't do your part, don't expect anyone to do it for you.  If you don't advocate for others, don't expect anyone to advocate for you.

And I'm trying to figure out if there's anyone we can spend Thanksgiving with.  It's been just the three of us for so many years, and YES, we've asked around to see if anyone needs a place to go, and YES, in past years we've volunteered at places that feed people, but I'm so tired of being alone at the holidays.  It shouldn't be this hard to find people to spend time with.   I KNOW people usually spend time with family.  I understand that.  (My husband has to work the day after Thanksgiving, otherwise, we'd probably be with family as well.)

And I'm so tired of my son's questions and comments about his programs.  And I can't always understand them or answer them.  And yesterday, I'm not sure, but he might have spit up phlegm in the sink -- and with his communication skills, I don't KNOW how to ask him, "did you spit up in the sink yesterday" in a way that he will understand the question and be able to answer it.  Today I noticed that his nose was a little red and I told him that I was coming down with a cold and was worried that he was sick.  He said, "Huh?" and then said, "No, it's just my allergies," and I don't think he IS allergic to anything.  It just sounds like an answer to give in order to give an answer.  My concern is:  if he's ever ill, will he tell me, and does he have the verbal skills TO tell me?

I feel so guilty and so ashamed for thinking like this.  But the fight has just been beaten out of me.  I'm exhausted in every way it's possible to be exhausted.  There's nothing I can do and nowhere I can go.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #410 on: November 10, 2018, 11:58:25 PM »
allie, our thoughts aren't our actions.  we all think 'stuff' from time to time.  you are overwhelmed and exhausted, stressed to the max.  your mind is crowded with so much that's beyond your control.  please, be gentle with yourself.  that's what you deserve - gentleness and kindness.  sending angel wings to embrace you, keep you protected as you navigate this rough patch you're in.  love and hugs, sweetie.

*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #411 on: November 12, 2018, 03:19:07 AM »
Stayed home today and tried to get better; I think the rest has helped.  A good friend is also dealing with a crisis involving a family member and all I can really do is listen.

*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #412 on: November 30, 2018, 11:49:22 PM »
The two words, "I give" have become the most common words in my thoughts these days.  I'm sure people get tired of hearing me write the words, 'I'm overwhelmed."  Well, guess what.  I'm tired of writing them! 

I had a couple of nightmarish proofing jobs this week and one of them was a recording of someone with a very heavy accent that was very difficult to understand. 

Last night, I decided it would be a good idea to take my husband and son to get haircuts while I weighed in at Weight Watchers.  Well, when we got to the shopping center, I said to my husband, you do know where this place is?  He said no.  THIS IS A PLACE HE'S BEEN TO BEFORE!!!  (The shopping center we were at has a couple of outparcles and it can be a bit hard to find places if you don't go very often.). So I just said, pull in in front of the hair cutting place and I'll walk over to WW from there.  Which I did.  ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT WW NO LONGER MEETS THERE ON THURSDAY EVENINGS! 

I went to the grocery store in the shopping center, got some stuff, and waited for my husband and son to get finished.  Then I asked for the keys to the car so I could get gas.  It's MY job to get the gas because I am the one who drives the car most often--and the tank was ON EMPTY when we got to where we were going last night.

And you have my son, who was gasping at everything he heard or saw that looked or sounded familiar. 

Earlier in the week,I met with the ladies' group I meet with every week.  The lady of the house has already decorated for Christmas.  There were several women talking about their grandkids and great-grandkids (one of them has just had her 15th great-grandbaby!) . . . And then there's me, whose son will probably never get married.  It is yet one more way in which I just feel so isolated.

Physically, I'm exhausted.  Exhausted.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  Those are the words that keep coming up in my vocabulary.  It has to stop.  BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #413 on: December 01, 2018, 12:52:12 AM »
for what it's worth, allie, i don't believe i'll ever have grandchildren, either.  neither of my d's have married, d1 is too messed up to have kids, and d2 can feel her bio clock ticking, with no prospects in sight.  she's pretty much given up on the idea of having her own kids.

i know that doesn't help you much, if at all.  just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this.  i've had many people stare at me in shock when they found out i had no grandkids.  they couldn't fathom it.  it is what it is - that's how i've had to look at it.

you know, i hope, that i'm with you.  i know you have a plate full of 'stuff', and i know it overwhelms you time and time again.  i wish it were different for you, i truly do, wish there was something i could do or say to make it better.  hang tough, honey.  that's all i know.  sending love and an understanding hug.

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 1793
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #414 on: December 01, 2018, 02:06:52 AM »
Dear Allie  :hug: I wish I had something I could say to help ease your burden! You've been at this for quite a while and I know you are exhausted. ♥️

*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #415 on: December 01, 2018, 03:16:11 PM »
Most of the dishes are done and drying and I'm folding laundry.  That may be a bit of progress.  I need to take a shower but I can't do it until I have clothes to change into. 

What is wrong with me that I can't seem to get a handle on things?

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 1698
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #416 on: December 04, 2018, 08:15:11 AM »
I think it's huge progress to do dishes and laundry. Personally I hate doing both and are always exhausted after.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #417 on: December 05, 2018, 06:08:37 PM »
dear allie, i don't think anything is wrong with you,  that's what being overwhelmed means - stuff just keeps coming at us and we can't get a break, and our brains can only do so much with that.  you're doing what you can in such a situation, and all credit to you for that.  i admire you and your strength to keep on keepin' on.    :thumbup:    that's huge!

sending love and  :hug: :hug: :hug:


*

alliematt

  • Member
  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #418 on: December 06, 2018, 02:43:33 PM »
I guess I am overwhelmed.  I need to leave for a chiropractic appointment and I don't want to move from the computer.  I also need to take my son to the dentist today.  Tomorrow I have PT again.

I did tell the people I proof for that I can't take anything that's due tomorrow.  And I'm getting to bed earlier.

Tuesday I sent an emoji waving a white flag to my BFF and when I listed everything I needed to do that week, she said, "Okay, that's a lot."  I probably am busier than I think I am. 

And to be honest, I just want to sit and I want to cry because I just do not feel like I can cope.  And I feel ashamed.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 5391
    • View Profile
Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #419 on: December 07, 2018, 07:19:29 PM »
o, honey, i can so relate.  once upon a time, i was in a similar position.  it was horrible.  i was ready to go inpatient, just to get a break from my life.  didn't happen, but i know the feeling.

when i've written down, made an actual list of all that i had been doing and coping with, it was astounding to me.  people would say to me all the time that they didn't know how i managed.  well, i just did it - until i couldn't anymore.  it kept taking its toll unbeknownst to me, until the pressure and expectations swarmed over me, making me sick and fearing for my sanity.  that's when i ran away to mex. and i've been too sick to do much since then.

i hope to heaven that doesn't happen to you.  i'm glad to hear you're beginning to go to bed earlier, getting a bit more rest.  i also hope you can find away to lessen this stress before it renders you unable to be you.  sending love and a caring, compassionate hug, allie.