Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Three Roses]

Not sure there's anything "wrong" with you, but what in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with all those people who've injured you? What in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with people who take no time to extend you compassion and understanding?

Allie, I'm sorry you've had such limited, graceless people in your life. I believe there's nothing wrong with you, but that you've been injured.

[alliematt]

@Three Roses, I chuckled at your use of my (insert bad word here) phrase in your reply. 

I forgot to mention that I heard plenty of "no" in trying to get respite care for Matthew, and of even trying to get a sitter so my husband and I could get consistent counseling.  We finally started bringing him with us and having him wait in the waiting room.  And I also heard "no" twice when we were renewing Medicaid for him.  WE did appeal and get Medicaid reinstated.  We don't currently receive Medicaid because my son's done with speech therapy. 

But when we were trying to find sitters, I even asked our church and was told they couldn't give out names due to a possible liability issue.  They did encourage me to ask around.

The friend I mentioned in my previous entry told me that I needed to be "more aggressive" in asking our church for help.  Well, I tried, and was told by a staff member that it was one thing to ask for help, it was another thing to demand it.  Okay, then, maybe I was demanding.  I don't know if  I was or not.  But when you're told that you're "demanding", that's not helpful to someone who needs the help.

Most of the members of our church live a good half hour away from us.  We're involved in the place where we attend, otherwise we might try to find someplace closer.  (And if we did switch, my son would probably obsess over and over and over, "why aren't we going to . . .?")

What I think is, "Yes, I want solutions . . . but I fear that no solutions exist."

[Three Roses]

There are always solutions, I think exploring a different church may be a great idea.

[alliematt]

I can remember two conversations about being afraid that I've had with people.  One was with my mother in my senior year of high school.  She was in the middle of a lecture about something (I cannot remember how the conversation came about, but it started with the words, "Everyone makes mistakes!"  She may have been trying to reassure me that we all made mistakes, but it came out in a rather angry tone.)  At one point, she'd said something about "going crazy" (again, I can't remember the context; she may have been trying to tell me that no, I wasn't "going crazy"), but I said to her, "That's what I'm afraid of!" and her response was, "That's all I ever hear from you!  I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"  (I think this conversation happened in the same week that my parents finally pulled me off of the school bus for good after a bad bout of bullying.)

The second conversation was with the friend I mentioned, where we were discussing something about religion, and she said, "You are always so afraid."

One, if YOU had been picked on nearly every school day for 12 years, YOU would be afraid also.
Two, if YOU had been part of a church that said THEY were the only way to heaven, and if YOU had been browbeaten into believing that YOU were somehow "unspiritual" because you couldn't live up to the expectations of the church YOU were in, then YES, you WOULD be "always so afraid"!

And then you end up getting the scriptures about "no fear" being used against you.  (People haven't used those scriptures against me lately, which is good.) 

I have scrupulosity.  That doesn't help one bit, either.  That's the part of me that constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?"

[Blueberry]

I am afraid of being yelled at.  That's what it all boils down to.  And I have good reasons to be afraid of being yelled at because I WAS yelled at as a child.  That was the way my mother disciplined.  I am trying to be fair and trying to understand that my mother probably didn't know any better.  But combine being yelled at at home with being bullied at school and THEN going away to college and getting into a church where they yelled at you for not being evangelistic enough, and then throw in a kid with autism later in life, yeah, I think that's a good reason to feel overwhelmed.   AND, combine that with being told that if you fight back, you will be punished and the bullies will not be AND with the verses in the Bible that tell you to "turn the other cheek", and you have a recipe for total and complete disaster.

I hear you alliematt, loud and clear. You do have good reasons for feeling afraid. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Just like everybody else on here, you have been injured emotionally, otherwise known as having cptsd. We can't just snap out of it! I'm afraid a lot as well, and like with you, there are a bunch of reasons for it, coming straight out of childhood.

With healing I'm noticing that I'm feeling less overwhelmed, and less often as well. So yes, I'd say it's a symptom. Often part of an EF in my case. You might feel younger or smaller in an EF and even emotionally healthy children can feel overwhelmed with life in general, whereas children growing up the way you did with so much fear and so little genuine support and understanding, I imagine you might often have felt overwhelmed as a child. Support from a parent or other adult can include taking the time to explain to a child why they're saying "No", or why "No" with such vehemence.

imho 'medically fragile' could involve more than just physical symptoms. Your son's condition is draining for you, you could do with respite sometimes, or maybe even often. You have to fight for treatment for him. I imagine that knowing that you may have to fight for a while - he's not suddenly going to get better and not need any care on his 18th birthday - may also add to the feelings of overwhelm. One of the situations that can lead to (c)ptsd is a feeling of "there's no escape". Your son's condition combined with the lack of help and support around you sounds as if it could feel that "there's no escape", especially when you consider your past. There wasn't any escape from 12 years of bullying at school for you. 12 years for crying out loud! That is a terribly long time for a child and teenager.

[alliematt]

I guess this falls into the category of, "He means well, but . . ." My husband offered to make dinner in the crockpot so I wouldn't have to worry about cooking on Sundays.  However, what I've usually been doing on Sundays is running through a cycle of quick to make meals so I can have time to rest, and my son is used to that cycle.

Dinner was supposed to be ready at 1:30.  Due to miscalculation, it will now be ready at 2:30.  (It is chicken and rice.)

My son just said to me a while ago, "This is so weird.  I like Mom's cooking."

I'm trying not to get irritated and/or upset, but I confess, it's hard not to.

[alliematt]

Dinner, as posted about in the last entry, went well and we're having the leftovers tonight.  I'm sure part of my previous irritation was due to hunger. :-)

I am devoting some time to self-care.  Part of self-care was getting my bladder looked at last week (as a regular check because I have chronic bladder pain) and it was a good thing I did.  I have a bladder infection.  Fun!    But I was prescribed antibiotics and I see the doc a week from Friday to see if it's all gone. 

the next step was today; I saw a sleep doc and am now scheduled for a sleep study.  I use a CPAP regularly.  It was prescribed when my son was nine.  He is now 20.  So I need a redo.  :-) 

[alliematt]

(Note: I touch very briefly on politics and religion here.)

After my umpteenth post to someone about how tired I am of the current political situation, I finally got tired of being afraid of "who's going to be in office?"

I believe God is God no matter who is in Washington, so it's better for me to focus on that and not get myself tied up in knots. 

[alliematt]

Last Friday, I sent my son off to a church retreat.  Since I have guardianship of him, I'm the one who's allowed to authorize medical treatment on his behalf.  He cannot do it on his own.  So I wrote up a letter authorizing the person in charge of the retreat to get medical treatment for my son if necessary.

When my husband and I dropped our son off, I forgot to give the letter to the bus driver.  The person in charge wasn't the person driving the bus; also, I was distracted by telling my son, no, you don't need to take your pillow and blanket; they are providing bedding.

My husband and I went to a retirement party for a friend and it was only when we got there that I discovered that I forgot to give the letter to the bus driver.  So I went racing back to the church building, beating myself up on the way.

Then I thought about a tactic I sometimes use in combating my OCD:  let the thoughts be; in fact, agree with them to an extent (for example, "Hmmm, cussing in church is an interesting idea.  I think I'll wait ten minutes and then do it."  When ten minutes are up, I can go for ten more minutes, and so on.  (No, I do not make it a practice to cuss aloud in church.  This is one way my OCD makes it's presence known.)

So I decided I would beat myself up on the way to church building, but once I got there, I wouldn't be allowed to beat myself up anymore. 

So I "beat myself up" out loud, saying, "You idiot!  How stupid!  Bad mother!  Worst mother in the world!"  And since I was "beating myself up", I started saying, "Left hook!  Right cross!  Gut punch!  Kidney punch!"

It sounded so ridiculous I started laughing.  It really exposed my inner critic for the bully she was/is.

I made it to the building, handed the letter to the bus driver, and then relaxed. 

Then I drove back to the retirement party.  On the way, I told myself why I had forgotten the letter:  One, I had it in my head to give it to a particular person, who had already gone ahead and was not the driver of the bus.  Two, I was distracted by telling my son he didn't need his pillow and blanket.

The takeaway?  Next time I have to have a medical authorization letter, I will write the letter, get it notarized, and give it to my sonto give to the appropriate person.

As it turned out, my son had a good time and nothing happened where he needed treatment.   

I can't say that I will never beat myself up again, but this time, I gave myself a weapon to fight back with.

[Not Alone]

I love how you dealt with this situation in a creative way and with your sense of humor. (Glad your son had fun on the retreat with no injuries!)

[Hope67]

Hi Alliemat,
Your strategy sounds really useful.  I'm glad it worked for you.  Really good.
Hope 

[alliematt]

Well, after my nice, triumphant post about how I would probably be around a little less because my meds seemed to be working, guess what happened?  I have relapsed.  Between comments about certain current events and feeling like my entire world view has been deconstructed, I feel totally broken.  Totally.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out the truth about anything these days.  Even God, Jesus, and the Bible.

I had a conversation with my BFF and I think she lost patience with me.  She doesn't think it's impossible to figure out what the Bible really says.  I said, Yes it is.  I feel like i have to do a dissertation-level study in order to know what it really says and what I'm supposed to do.  And I don't have the time or the energy to do it.   And why do it if what I conclude is just going to be wrong anyway?

[Blueberry]

Welcome back Allie    I don't think you're the first to make plans of that sort and then they go a little differently from expected. You know how it is: 2 steps forward, 1 back. When I read your announcement that you'd be on less, I thought "Yay for Allie" but of course you are welcome to come back here and post and look for support.  Whenever I decided to be on the forum a little less or post less, it didn't last long.

We are here for you

fwiw I don't know if there is ONE truth about God, Jesus and the Bible. There are different religious denominations after all, differences of interpretation within Christianity. I think how you choose to interpret the Bible's teachings for your life is your choice. It's not a question of correct and incorrect, it's way more complex than that. imho. Ignore if not helpful to you.

[alliematt]

I got a new CPAP a few days ago, and there's been a couple of days where I've breathed and havent' felt like there's any air coming through the hose.  I think there may be a kink of some sort in the hose.  When something isn't going right physically, it affects me mentally.  The one piece of credit i will give myself is that even when I'm spiraling downhill, I usually have the presence of mind to realize that there may be something I have to look into with my physical health.

[alliematt]

What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?  I feel totally powerless.  Nothing I do matters.  I can't figure anything out.  Everything I know or believed has been totally deconstructed and I don't know how to put things back together again.  It matters what everyone else thinks but it doesn't matter what I think.  My BFF says I have too many people living rent free in my head.  I don't know how to evict them.  Everyone else is stronger, they talk louder, they have more power, everyone listens to them, and they ALWAYS get in the last word.