Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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sanmagic7

i am basically isolated - i can walk outdoors cuz i'm in a rural area, and i live w/ my d, so i still do have someone to interact with, but other than that, i'm just home.  i walk to the store w/ my d when we need food, but i do laps out in the parking lot while she goes inside and shops.  it's bizarre and stressful all by itself - put the kinds of things you're talking about on top of that, i'm not surprised murder comes to mind.  i never seriously thought you would really murder someone, but i know i've had some dark thoughts every so often myself.

hang tough, allie - love and hugs :grouphug:  no social distancing here, we can all group together and give virtual hugs .

Not Alone


alliematt

#512
I've done two teletherapy sessions so far and have been reminded on both of them that the situation everyone is in is "unprecedented" (my T's word) and that we're all pretty much "handling" things.  I said, "I'm not Wonder Woman.  I'm not even Diana Prince!"   :)

Today I am feeling tense, but it has very little to do with the coronavirus.  It has everything to do with the fact that my husband's decluttering and cleaning, and there are three factors that are making me tense:  1.  I feel guilty because he's doing the cleaning, 2. I'm afraid he's going to to put my stuff away where I can't find it, 3. I'm waiting to hear something like, "Why can't you put your stuff away?" 

Part of what I'm hearing in the background is my mother's voice:  "You just play all day!" (said to me when I was a preteen); "You keep this door closed (to our den, which had a door opening directly into the carport, where people could look in) when you're using that box (of material scraps that I was using to make doll clothes as a kid) because I'm ashamed to have anyone look in here!"

It's interesting that this is the same person who also said that she hated being made to do chores when she was a kid, so she decided she wasn't going to make her kids do chores.  We did do chores, but we never had a chore schedule or assigned chores or anything like that. 

I dislike cleaning and decluttering anyway.  Actually, I did read someplace (in a household hints book) that if you actually liked cleaning, something was wrong.   :) I don't like doing the over and over chores; it's probably why I prefer to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than washing them by hand; the dishwasher can do the dishes while I do something else.  Ironically, I married a man who sees doing dishes by hand as a form of therapy!  So we compromise. 

But, I sure do enjoy the results of the work I don't like to do!  And when I get tired of clutter, that's when I start decluttering . . . and it stays decluttered for a while and then gets recluttered. 

Complicated issues . . . .

sanmagic7

i hear ya, allie.  not very domestic myself.  like you, when it gets to a certain point, i jump in.

i'm glad you figured out it was your mother's voice you were hearing.  those voices from the past can sure be loud!

keep taking care of you.  i once heard that we all have things we like to do and don't like to do, but someone else has the opposite, so we balance out in the end.  glad you and your hubby found a compromise.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

alliematt

I'm not feeling well physically today, and I'm having a day where my mental health is not the world's best.  I'm not at a cliff ready to jump. :-). I'm just irritated, and I think a lot of us are these days.  I think the best medicine for me is more rest and plenty of chocolate.

alliematt

Today I feel better, thank God, but I also feel very tense.  I have been interrupted by someone or something ALL DAY LONG and I'm so tense and jumpy I'm ready to yell at someone. 

My son has been coming in and out of our bedroom all day. 
I went online with him this morning to participate in his online class.
My husband interrupted me a couple of times, one of them, he started talking even though I couldn't hear him and I had to say to him, 'Wait wait WAIT!" So I could put the thing I was listening to on hold so I could hear him.
My BFF got in touch with me on Messenger.  I do like talking to her, but I think this is the real source of frustration:  If Messenger or Facebook says that I'm online,  she'll message me and if I don't answer, she worries; and a few weeks ago, there were two times in one week when she CALLED me when she tried to message me and I didn't respond.  Frankly, I feel like I am at everyone's beck and call and I resent it.

My husband means well when he wants to make dinner, and when he wants to make breakfast for us on several occasions, but his well-meaningness can smother me sometimes!   Sometimes I want to make my own breakfast and sometimes I want to make my own dinner and sometimes I just don't want to have spaghetti! 

I'm constantly afraid of being interrupted by people who need something.   And sometimes when my husband and I are talking about subjects, I am just waiting to either be contradicted or corrected or be told, "Well, actually . . ." And sometimes I want to scream!  We've talked before about his "know it all itis" and he tries not to be too much of a know it all.  But I'm just on edge with the fear of being interrupted or the fear of being corrected or feeling like I have to be at everyone's beck and call, or drop everything when someone wants to ask me something!

Or, there's the fear I have if I am going somewhere, am I going to be asked, "What are you doing?  Where are you going?  What are you going to get?  Why are you getting that?"  My husband doesn't do that.  Sometimes he'll offer to come, and sometimes I enjoy his company and sometimes I'd rather do my shopping/errands alone.  I think I know why:  I get very anxious when I feel like someone is looking over my shoulder scrutinizing what it is I'm looking at or wanting to buy.  I don't like being stared at or questioned or have someone just staring over my shoulder, demanding to know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.  And if I give an explanation, I'm afraid of being asked, "Well, but why that way?  Or why this way?"  Or a long list of criticisms of what I should or shouldn't have done, or a lecture about, "well, when you said this, I felt that" (I had a roommate in my 20's who did that pretty often). 

And while there are things I want him to do, I'm afraid that if I assign husband the task, he'll have so many questions about how to do it that it'll wind up to be easier for me to do it myself rather than constantly have to answer questions about "what do I do next?  Where is the (whatever's needed to finish)?" 

I feel like I have to explain or justify everything I do or want to do and I'm afraid of being yelled at or criticized harshly, no matter what.

alliematt

The last two days trying to help my son with his classwork have been extremely stressful.  I am developing a headache and it's  only 10:45 in the morning.

sanmagic7

hey, allie,

my mex. hub was a 'fixer' - if i ever complained about something, he'd try to fix it for me, which is not what i wanted.  usually i just wanted someone to hear me, listen to me, just be there.  i finally told him that if i want feedback or suggestions, i would ask, that i just needed someone to be there.  and, at these times i learned to preface whatever i had to say but telling him first - i'd just like you to listen, please, and not say anything.  he was able to agree with that, and the stress level went way down.

don't know if that applies to your situation - if not, just ignore it.  i could feel the stress, tho, just from reading what you wrote.  it's terribly difficult to live in that kind of atmosphere all the time.  love and hugs to you, allie :hug:

alliematt

This morning my husband did step up after he saw I was stressed.  He sat in on my son's online class and helped him with an assignment afterwards.  I told him I appreciated that.

sanmagic7

very glad to hear that, allie.  yay!!!

i hope he does more of that, gives you a break more often.  love and hugs :hug:


alliematt

Since Friday, we have had THREE technology meltdowns.  One involved a school assignment where 1. Teacher said no one in the class turned in the assignment.  2.  I delegated problem to my husband to solve.
3. They STILL needed me to find the link to the assignment.  4.  It was a Google Doc my son didn't have permission to access. 5.  After contacting the teacher, son did get permission to access doc, he downloaded it and filled it out by hand, but WE COULD NOT FILL IT OUT ONLINE.  Husband tried working with it.  He couldn't do it either.  6.  He got the idea to scan it and turn it in.  7.  I couldn't get the scanner to work.

At one point, I yelled at my husband and he asked, why are you yelling at me? 

And most of the time, son is hovering over me, waiting for the problem to be fixed.

it finally got fixed the next day.  I reinstalled the printer.

Sunday we had a problem with getting into online church.  There was a problem with the hoster our church was using.  My son could get on.  We could not.  That problem was also fixed. 

Today, I tried to hook up my WiFi adapter to my router by pushing the WPS button.  WHICH DID NOT WORK.

AND, my son needed to set a password for a website he needed for class.  We created one, as asked, with capital letters, lower case letters, numbers, and symbols . . . WHICH THE SITE REJECTED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO WEAK. 

I'm getting so tense these days that it's taking me most of the day to recover.  When I go downstairs in the morning, I'm immediately hit with my son showing me the assignments for the day.  I also have a friend who will message me a couple of times a day.  Sometimes my phone will show that I'm online when I may not be.  I don't know why.  There was a period of time two weeks ago where friend in question called me TWICE IN THE SAME WEEK because she'd tried multiple times to message me and I wasn't answering.

I'm at her beck and call.  I'm at my son's beck and call.  I'm at my husband's beck and call.  Delegating certain things doesn't seem to be working.  I can't delegate the tech stuff because NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.  And as I sit here, my computer's connected to the internet with the Ethernet cable, and it's running slow.  My computer constantly runs slow.  I don't know why.  I constantly am cleaning my cache and defragging it.  It still runs slow.  I'm thinking of getting a new one and giving the old one to my son.  We share a computer, which is also part of the problem.  Not only that, if my son has a problem with his assignments, *I* am the one he will go to.  *I* am the one he obsesses to.  Not my husband.  ME.

And I have an office area I"m trying to clean up and I just can't seem to do it.  My husband and I have switched office areas, yet my husband's work STILL has not given him the go-ahead to work from home.  (He is still getting paid.  He's considered "on leave".) 

AND, not only that, because I have too much time at home (and my proofing work has dried up at the moment), I find myself too much in my head, asking, "Why did people pick on me as a child?  Why did I get involved in that abusive church in college?  why did my mother have to yell at me so much?  What did I do that was so horrible that made people hate me?  What does the Bible really say?  Who am I supposed to vote for?  (I won't go into politics here, except to say that when I mentioned online who I was thinking of voting for, I was told that I would be partially responsible for selling out the country.  My response, which I was very proud of:  "I will vote as I see fit.")

Last night I had a bad evening.  This morning, as mentioned above, we are still having technology problems.  I work better on my iPad than I do on my computer.  I was still in bed but scrolling on my phone when my friend messaged me.   Then I immediately got hit with my son showing me his assignments.  (To be fair to my friend, I told her I had to get dressed and get coffee.  When I told her that my son had immediately showed me his assignments, and that this happens every single morning, she told me that kids don't understand the concept of 'good morning, I love you, let me get my coffee'.)

I'm too tense to work and I'm constantly on edge waiting to be interrupted, asked a question, etc. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Not Alone

I have heard from several people who have experience technical issues with school being online and so many people in the house being online. I don't say that to minimize your frustration, at all, but so you know that you are not alone in your frustration.

The thought came to mind of you giving yourself an hour (or any amount of time) time-out, undisturbed, alone in a room or outside for a walk. Would your son and husband honor that time? Would that be helpful to you?

Regarding your friend, could you say something like, "I'm overwhelmed right now with school and other things going on. I'd like to connect, but I don't have a lot of time to chat right now. Could I call you on (day) sometime between the hours of _____ and _____?"

alliematt

I did teletherapy today.  I have come down from some of my frustration of the other day.  The way I can sum up everything right now is that we're dealing with technology meltdowns and with being stuck inside for too long, but none of us are measuring the other to see how well they will fit into a cooking pot.  ;D


alliematt

I am back, again; to vent, again, because i am having trouble coping, again.
Yesterday morning I called my BFF to vent.  I was feeling tense and jumpy, just waiting to be interrupted by someone. 

If I wake up before my husband, I run the risk of waking HIM up.  Our dressers are on the same side of the room, his side (they also serve as a divider between the bedroom area and the "office" area which I am now using.)  The thing that triggered me was worrying about, is he going to wake up and start rubbing at my back, which is often the signal that he wants sex?   Sometimes I just want to get up, go downstairs and have a little bit of alone time before I have to start my day.  But also yesterday, when I got up, my son was running around in his room and making a lot of noise.  His bedroom is right above the living room.

I KNOW the Christian homemaking books say that the wife is supposed to get up first, have her "quiet time" or "devotional time" and then fix breakfast for everyone, but both my husband and my son get up anywhere between 4 and 4:30.  I absolutely cannot get up that early.  (And a decent "quiet time" has been beyond my ken for years.  I listen to an audio Bible app.  I stopped trying to keep up with the Bible studies my Sunday School class and weekly ladies' Bible class was doing because it got to be too much.).

I started back working this week (yay!) but I've been putting in about seven hours' worth of work daily since I've been working.  Yesterday I wanted to go walking with my husband and my son.  I finally told them to go on alone.  The major problem I was having was the spinning blue circle of death that was happening nearly every single time I tried to move the cursor!  The circle can spin from ten seconds up to over a full minute.  AND, all of the transcripts I am listening to are done by videoconference.  For obvious reasons.  Which can affect the sound quality.

Our preacher has been talking a lot about current events lately, particularly a couple of horrific acts of violence  that have happened in the USA.  We have people in our congregation that are very disturbed by what happened.  But as much as I want to support people, I have a limited amount of time and energy, physically and emotionally.  But, if I don't put forth the energy to listen to people's concerns and get educated on those concerns, I fear being told that "you don't care about the people you attend church with."

Both of my knees hurt.  I may have to head back to the orthopedic doc.  They hurt in the same way that my knee hurt about a year and a half or so ago when I ended up having a torn meniscus and needed knee surgery.  One of my docs wants me to walk.  How am I supposed to walk when my knees hurt?

The job I'm currently working on is due Monday.  I'm a quarter of the way in (which is not bad.)

I had an eye exam yesterday and I will be getting new glasses soon.  I took myself out to lunch afterwards, and I was still so tense and jumpy when I got home, I just laid down on the bed and told everyone they had to get their own dinner.
Next week my son has an appointment and either my husband or I will have to take him (and it's 45 minutes one way.)

My husband STILL has not heard when he's going back to work.  He is getting paid, and I'm thankful for that.  But he'd rather be working and I don't blame him for that.

Next week my son's school ends for the semester.  We have gotten his paperwork sent in for vocational rehab.  I have a copy of The Loving Push by Temple Grandin, and every time I pick it up and see what she has to say about electronics addiction, and how staying in a room is not acceptable, I want to scream, "But that is ALL of what he wants to do!  Stay in his room and play with the electronics!  That is IT, and it will be a full-time job just to get him out of there!  I don't have the energy, especially the emotional energy, to do it, especially when most of the job is going to fall on ME!"

My BFF told me, 'you be you', but sometimes I just think that 'me' is not acceptable.  I don't know if I could consider myself "shy" anymore, but shyness is NOT acceptable in our culture.  In American Christian culture, a working mother is just barely acceptable.  An intellectual woman is an anomaly.  And being fat and not that attractive is not acceptable.  I'm way overweight, have tried Weight Watchers, have tried at least one other program, and I just cannot stick with it.  It's too overwhelming to think about food, and exercise, and everything else.

I am really at the point where I just don't care.  Just give me mine and make sure my son is provided for.