Triggering..Avoidance, Hypervigilance, Flashback driven regression...

[JusticeBeaver]

This is triggering towards the end, just a long-winded outpouring of my symptoms follows...

Aside from the emotional flashbacks that I experience probably 1-2 times a week, the issue of avoidance is the worst of my symptoms right now. I am not working at the moment, going to college full-time. I did not realize that I had c-PTSD until I made the discovery that my mother has NPD a year ago. Once I discovered that her behavior was in fact abusive, everything about my past, which is full of periods of depression where I was avoidant of people/places, emotional outbursts during high stress times, the feeling like I can't connect to anyone and that I'd rather just be totally isolated so no one can see how screwed up I am... well it all made sense.

I have a spotty work history, because frequently in the past I have found myself unable to get my sh%t together to show up every day to a job. For the past ten years, this has been the pattern: I get a job, I work at the job for a year or so, everything is great, I am doing well... then I have an emotional flashback and everything spirals downward for a period of time. Then I feel like I can't work, I can't do anything or go anywhere. The idea of anyone looking at me is terrifying, I can't even go get the mail out of my mailbox.

Right now, I am half in the avoidant camp and half in the "on the way out of a regression" camp. I do not work, having quit with the intention of finishing school, though I am older than most of my classmates. My partner is very supportive and understanding about the issues that I'm having, and gives me praise all the time that I don't think I really deserve. I have been doing better, showing up to therapy, mostly going to school. Today I did not go to school. I feel guilty and ashamed that I did not go, and I think my professor probably wouldn't care that I am having this kind of a problem. I am not physically sick, I have been told by some people to just "get over it," "everyone has anxiety." How can I explain what I am going through without saying "I was tormented by my mother for 3 decades and now am totally broken, sorry."

I feel like pavlov's dog. Conditioned to be the way I am. I'm insecure, afraid of everything, afraid that everyone I meet will be mean/rude/out to hurt me like NM was, I sit in my house checking out the blinds every 20 mins - I know no one is coming! I am paranoid that she will appear at my door, though I am almost 1 year NC. I just know from reading other's experiences on forums that narcissistic parents never give up. Just when you think it's safe, they appear.

My therapist is very kind, but is not really trained to deal with trauma. I am doing DBT, which has been helpful with being strong when asking others for what I want and need, and meditation/deep breathing techniques that help me bring myself down when having a panic attack. DBT focuses on the present and not the past. All of the issues I have are tied to long-term neglect and abuse in my past. I am supposed to just be like "yeah sure, let me read this book and act this way and I will be better."

Honestly, that has mostly been true. I have complied with the homework assignments, no matter how difficult they've been and my confidence has gone up while my self-hatred is going down. But it kind of feels like it is just easier to go "I hate myself, I'm sh*tty, I will always be sh*tty, there's no hope for me." This is how I feel after a flashback, and I am still having them. It seems like anything can set them off. During flashback I feel like a trapped animal, like a person who's been imprisoned for something I did not do and my instinct is to react with intense anger.

For the most part, I don't act on the impulses to engage outwardly with anger anymore, I used to when I was in my early 20's and didn't know I had c-PTSD. I lived with this for years before I knew what it was. I have had long-term relationships with several guys, most of whom I am still friends with. I look back at my past behavior and am embarrassed, knowing now that my past flashback driven outbursts were totally inappropriate and I want to apologize to my first boyfriend. He and I are still friends, he doesn't seem to have negative memories of our time together. I just can't stop criticizing everything I've ever said or done. 

For Thanksgiving this year, I went to my partner's family - the first time I'd seen some of them in over a year because of the depressive period I've been in since going NC - and as I walked up to the door I wanted to run. I was panicking, wishing for a meteor to fall out of the sky onto my head so that I could not have to go. I used DBT skills to get me into the door, and then the experience was totally pleasant, everyone was nice, we had a great time... then I spent the following 2 days filled with anxiety, going over all the reasons why I was too loud, too dumb - my inner critic always convincing me that I suck no matter how well something goes.

I just want this to stop. It's getting better, but it's not totally better. I worry that it never will be. That's where the suicidal ideation comes into it - like Walker talks about. It's not that I want to kill myself, or even that I want to die, it's that I don't want to live. I would rather move to a cabin and be a hermit forever, because it feels like I can't just be normal and handle things. And the fact that I can't be normal, coupled with the fact that I can't explain to everyone I meet why I'm not normal... I'd rather just get cancer and die. Or crash my car and die. I fantasize about these things happening. I could never bring myself to end my own life, but if death came to me on it's own I would welcome it.

I love my partner, we have been together for 5 years. The only reason we are not married is because I am too anxious to be the center of attention as a bride. Also because my mother is totally evil and I will not be inviting her, and having to explain why she isn't invited to other people is too much for me to handle. And I am estranged from many of my friends and family. I have people reaching out to me and wanting to get together and sometimes I just can't. I feel awkward inviting people to my wedding when we aren't that close anymore, but I still value them in my life and am afraid they don't feel the same about me anymore.

I think they all just think I am selfish or an * who doesn't care, when it's really that I am just nonfunctioning as a person and I feel like no one will understand. When someone is like "hey, it's been a while, want to meet up for lunch." I can't be like "I'm sorry, I can barely get it together to go to 2 classes a week... the idea of being in a restaurant, where I will likely burst into tears is overwhelming." I want to slap myself in the face. But that is my mother. "Crying again? You should go to hollywood you'd make a terrific actress." The reasons why I can't regulate my own emotions, all because of her emotional abuse and invalidation for years.

Sorry if this is long and all over the place, just venting.

[cosmo79]

Hi Justice, I just wanted to thank you for this post, which I'm reading at the tail end of an EF....it's helpful to hear that someone else has strong feelings of self-hatred during those times, too. It sounds like you're working really hard to get better and I hope you feel better soon, too! I think you're doing the right things. It's okay to miss a class or two. It's really inspiring to hear that you went back to get your degree.