Living in my Childhood Abuse Home With Perpetrator Again

[MaybeInTime]

(Edited; strong trigger warning/violent dreams)

Hi
I am new to the forum, and new to the idea that I may be suffering from C-PTSD. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, but recently, since returning to my parents' house (and the original site of my trauma) due to being unemployed, I have started to become very mentally unwell.
I left their house mostly because I couldn't cope with living there, as did all of my siblings. My parents are in an emotionally and infrequently physically abusive relationship and have been for my entire life. I am now 23.
I have a psychologist who I see regularly, and after I told her that since being back at my parents' I have been finding it impossible to relax or do anything remotely enjoyable for myself as I simply phase out and don't engage with whatever it is that I'm meaning to do, she suggested that I fill out this questionnaire on CPTSD. I scored very high, and ticking all the boxes as severe or moderate made me starkly aware of how much my parents have affected me. I used to think that it wasn't a big deal, but I've noticed recently that I'm exhausted all the time, I constantly worry, I always feel like I am on guard for if they begin to row or if I'm implicated in having done something wrong. I have nightmares about my father stabbing me and slitting my throat, as he carries a knife and used to threaten me with this when I was younger.

Living at their house at the moment is difficult; I mostly try to avoid them at all costs so as not to 'cause' or worsen any arguments. I wash very little, I eat badly, and I am just about managing to get myself to work for 3 days a week - a temp job I have been lucky to find over Christmas while I look for proper, permanent work. I have nowhere else to stay at the moment, unless I register myself as homeless and go through the state's system of job seeking benefits and staying in a hostel with other people in similar circumstances. I feel like that would be detrimental to me as it would make it quite hard for me to move on in a dignified manner, and almost impossible to rent privately as most UK landlords will not accept those on benefits.

I hope this intro hasn't been too long, and I hope to get to know some of you on here soon.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, MaybeInTime! We're glad you're here.

I edited this post to include a trigger warming in case someone is not wanting to accidentally run across talk of violence. Check our Guidelines for more info   http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

Moving back in with abusive people is hard, doubly so since you are in the same location! I did the same thing when I was about your age. Not a good time.

Coming from an abusive childhood doesn't exactly teach us proper self-care techniques. But, you're aware of some things that need to be done, and that's a start. We talk a lot here about baby steps, one day at a time, etc.; how one day you may be capable of actions that are impossible the next day. Do what you can.

Thanks for joining! I look forward to hearing more from you.

[meursault]

I had that happen to me about three yeats ago after the cops were called and I was evicted and made to go live with my Mom.  I didn't do very well.  My parents had separate bedrooms and my Dad's room (if you've haven't read anything of mine, I killed him in an accident a few years ago, and am pretty badly traumatized from that) was my parent's room as a kid, and I was forced to sleep in his bed.  I was trapped in a rural house unable to go anywhere without my Mom driving.  Usually it was six days with her, blaring sex crime investigation tv shows from morning to night.

It was absolute *, and I ended up in the psych ward for about three months in total.  So I cn't really offer any good advice, maybe, but I did lots of puzzles and wrote a bunch about what was happening like I was writing to a resistance movement outside of a concentration camp, organizing for my freedom.  I think those things kept me from being permanently institutionalized from the experience.  Hope you find something to focus your mind elsewhere, I think it can be really helpful. Sounds like that's a pretty terrible place to be for you, so I hope you try to take some care of yourself!

Meursault

[Wife#2]

I can't imagine being back in the physical home with a perpetrator parent again. Just having to move back home (three times as an adult) was bad enough.

I think it was easier for me the first time because we had made rules with each other (Mom & Dad were divorced by then). And, I kept a very strong social life. I was attending school full time and working full time and spending what little spare time I had studying or going out with friends.

The second time, I was there to be Mom's consolation prize when my sister died. Long story. My job was to be her emotional crutch and her housekeeper. That time, I could feel myself slipping away to emotional age 12. Therapy helped that time, I was older and went to bars a lot less that time around.

The last time was for me. I'd been successful on my own, but wanted to save up to buy my own home. I provided her my two year plan (took three, but it HAPPENED) and she consented to help. It fed her NARC Good Mother image to be helping her daughter to do this very good thing. I helped around the house and I contributed financially. The biggest thing that helped THAT time was talking to my brother, having a therapist and keeping my eye on the prize. I could put up with a lot of Mom's foolishness as long as I remembered that I would be out of there, never to return as roommate, soon. She managed to ruin moving day / my 31st birthday, but I allowed it. ALL WAS WORTH IT, I got OUT.

So, I guess my advice is:
1) Keep as socially active as you possibly can. Your friends/peers will help you remember that you are valuable and worthy of respect.
2) Make a plan about when/how you expect to get out. Share it with them if it will help. Acknowledge that plans sometimes have to change, so the plan is NOT carved in stone.
3) Get in or stay in therapy if that's at all possible. It's just a good idea to keep your healing moving in the right direction.
4) Keep your eyes on the prize - your return to freedom. All things should work towards that goal.

There is a commercial campaign in the US about using government programs to help keep a home after a job loss, or whatever. It's tagline is great: Don't let a temporary setback lead to a permanent loss. This move back home is temporary. I am so sorry that it came to that, for I'm sure you fought that being the solution as best you could. Well, you're there. The memories (I call strong memories, maybe they're flashbacks?) will be there, since that's your childhood home. If you start to feel overwhelmed, do WHATEVER you can to center yourself and remember the long-term goal.

And, post here whenever you just need to know your voice is authentic and that your concerns are real - and that you're NOT crazy!