Crisis Text Line

[TheDamagedDiamond]

My uBPD mom and I got into a huge argument where she randomly raged at me for the first time in, I think, years and threatened me while claiming I was attacking her. I am ashamed to say it was a three hour circular conversation. I intuitively used many of the OOTF tools at many twists and turns my mom dragged me through but ultimately failed not to let my mom and my own pain and anger suck me into trying to reason with her. I couldn't understand why my mom was willing to accept that one event of abuse happened while denying an entire history of emotional and physical abuse and present emotional abuse. I was hurt beyond all reasonable bounds that my mom shouted at me, threatened to call the police on me (a big trigger from my days when she forced me and my siblings to co-habit with her mentally ill ex-husband) , said I was attacking her, told me to get out of her house, justified beating me and my siblings, said I was bad child/daughter, said that I was "always asking her for things", and essentially I should be grateful that she had taken me out to eat. I wanted my mom to stop hurting me and listen to me. I wanted her to be the loving parent I deserve.

Eventually, the conversation ended. I was very upset. The whole thing was partly my fault according to OOTF's What NOT to Dos--I hurt myself and my mom by engaging her after the verbal/emotional abuse started. My friend wasn't answering my text and had likely gone to bed or was medium chilling my problems to protect herself so I started googling. I found Crisis Text Line and decided I didn't have anything to lose and texted 741741. "Sally", the text counselor I texted with, came off as very nice and concerned. I'm under the impression that underage kids must be the majority of their clients because I revealed that I was in fact an adult, college-educated, and financially dependent on my abusive mother and her attitude changed. She became more direct. In the end, when I was finally getting emotional, "Sally" the Text Counselor disappeared for thirty minutes from texting. Leaving me totally hanging and crying by myself. Sally then came back, texting a  cursory 'You is smahrt, you is kind' kind of comment. Sort of, Work on your coping mechanisms. You're educated and brave and you've got a good plan. Good luck, S! Then I got an automated text:

Thanks for using Crisis Text Line. The Crisis Counselor has closed the conversation. You got this!

*? I .Wish.I.Was.Making.This.Up. I assure you, I am not.

I sent a comment to Text Crisis Line's support inbox:

Tonight I texted your crisis hotline and texted with "Sally". It rubbed me wrong that I got an automated cutoff message at the end of the conversation after a lengthy silence after I had said something emotional. I didn't expect the text counselor to hold my hand all night but that was hurtful.
--S.

This is Text Crisis Line's reply:

Hi S,
Thanks for your message. The way your Crisis Counselor ended the conversation was not appropriate, or what we teach. Crisis Counselors are instructed to check in periodically during those long silences, and, if there is no response after two check-ins, let the texter know that we have to close the conversation for the night, and are absolutely here for them whenever they're in crisis. I apologize that this was not the experience you had.
Best wishes,
JW
Read my other post--the lack of support in my life is not a joke and its not for lack of trying. The system is broken. At least for me. Who can you trust? Who do you turn to when there is no one there except "Sally the Text Crisis Counselor" and she just signed off after some good old lip service and left you in the wind? I think OOTF assumes that a support network is easy to come by and underestimates poverty and isolation. I can't surround myself with positive people who aren't there or continue to see good counselors and therapists that I have no access to. By the way, I saw the last terrible counselor I had once a month. Once a month, people. I deal with my mom everyday.

[radical]

Grossly inadequate response to great need = gaslighting.

If we responded to people injured in car accidents with bandaids and lollipops and ignored the bones poking out of skin and blood oozing from deep gashes, the shock, pain and anguish, we'd know we had become monsters.  What is an ignorant fool, with no understanding of what they are dealing with doing on the frontline of our response, as communities to trauma?

I've seen a lot of what you are talking about.  I wish I could help.  I don't know who you can trust around you now, I hear your pain.  My take? - it's not personal, it's political.  Trauma denial enables abusers and almost no-one wants to admit the problem, let alone take the casualties seriously.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone present you can reach out to.  I've been there, it is the loneliest place is the world.  But you do matter.  You are important.  You have a place in this world.  People can be so heartless but it isn't a reflection on you.

[Three Roses]

I think OOTF assumes that a support network is easy to come by and underestimates poverty and isolation.

Most of us are on the highbars without a safety net. The DSM doesn't even recognize cptsd as a different animal than ptsd, meaning we get the same "treatment", which causes more damage. Believe me when I say that I, we, get it. We have empathy for you and understand that feeling of being abandoned and lost, cut adrift from support and assistance.

I've seen several posts recently about having to return to the very family that caused us damage in the first place - some are still in the original house!

Believe me when I say, as a group of people we do not underestimate your loneliness and despair. I wish there was something I could do to alleviate all our suffering!

Keep talking, keep reading, keep reaching out. You are worthy of health and healing! We all are. for you, if you want it.

Hopefully our voices together will help to raise awareness of our plight and bring us, and all of those who have not yet found their voices, the help we need.

It is hellish to have to be strong when all we want to do is collapse, sobbing, in the arms of someone who not only understands but cares. I'm sorry you are feeling this. I do not have words strong enough to tell you how truly sorry I am.

I only hope that you can find the comfort here that many of us have found. This place is the first where I found a semblance of understanding and I earnestly desire for you to feel understood, too. You deserve good things.