[Ladylala]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.   He was a very charming man at the start.  I don't know how I ended up being trapped within the relationship but I did.   He would constantly accuse me of lying and cheating.  On occasions he would bully me so badly I would "admit" to things I hadn't even done just because I couldn't take any more interrogation.
He isolated me from friends and made me believe I was better off just with him.     He told me he adored me and I believed him.     In some ways he would seem genuine and kind.     He would say the nicest things.  In other ways he frightened me because he would grind me down with accusations and would tell me I was a pathological liar and I was lucky to have him.    All along he was the one lying to me.  I've no doubt he was dishonest the whole time we were together but he gas lighted and so I believed it was me. 

When he has enough of me he dismissed me in a brutal way.    Told me he was well rid of me and that I caused him anxiety due to the way I mistreated him.   My lies and the fact I couldn't be trusted meant I would never be able to have a relationship he said.

I was subjected to months of emotional cruelty whereby even though he moved out he would message me ad hoc to say that he loved me and that if I could be a good girl we could be together.

All along he said he was abused as a child.  I'm not sure if it's true.  If I ever got upset he would have panic attacks and turn the guilt onto me.  I tried my hardest to support him and look after him whilst he claimed to be suffering from PTSD himself.     I put himself before anyone including my own 2 young children.

During the relationship I was also suffering from pmdd a cyclic depression linked to hormones.

It was a toxic relationship where I was not allowed to see friends, use social media or have any kind of life out of his control. 

He was very clever how he could twist everything to put the blame on me. 

He never helped me financially or emotionally he would simply state it was my fault that he had no money (because he gave everything up to be with me including his young daughter)

I was never allowed to meet his family or friends because he said I was too unstable.    It was like I was his dirty secret. 

He was married when we met (I didn't know).   He left her because she found out about me but I am certain that despite him moving in with me he kept her hanging on just in case. 

I eventually found out he was having an affair with an American lady whom he met on line.  He was visiting a friend in the states because he said he needed time away from me to clear his head.    I'm not sure how I found out but it turned out in fact he has met this lady and planned to leave the country to be with her.  Although the night before he left fir America he was with me saying in his return we could move house and have a fresh start.

Also during this time I miscarried his child.   This also according to him was my fault.   

When I found out about the affair I messaged the other woman.  She if course thought I was a bitter ex.   He had told her that I cheated on him with lots of men and had contracted HIV.

I feel like I gave him everything I had and he took it all and threw it in the bin.   

So now I'm left broken.    I thought I was ok (ish) until I got into a new relationship.   

I had all this stuff buried but I started having severe outbursts of violence and anger toward my partner.

If he questions anything I do I go into an extreme panic and can become violent and hurt him and myself. 

I'm so scarred and scared by my ex I feel traumatised in a way I can see no end to. 

I don't think I will ever be ok.

Do I have c PTSD ?    What can I do ?

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to the forum, Ladylala! I'm glad you are here.

I'm also happy to hear that you survived such a toxic person! He seems to have the qualities that many here have described in their toxic, narcissistic partners and/or parents.

While no one here is qualified to give you a diagnosis, it does sound as if you are exhibiting symptoms of cptsd. Ultimately I believe you are the best judge of that.

There is a guy who has some wonderful videos on youtube regarding healing from the type of abuse you suffered. His name is Richard Grannon and he also goes by The Spartan Life Coach. That may be a good place for you to start - and I'm sure that others will respond with other suggestions as well.

Thanks for joining us!