New here - am I looking in the right place? *possible triggers*

[WelshFox]

Hi,

I hope this is not in entirely the wrong place, but I would just like a little feedback re whether I'm on the right lines in thinking that I might be suffering from C-PTSD.

My causes and effects, such as they are, go something like this -

Causes –

Someone who was significantly older, who I greatly admired and who had initially been relating to me in a supportive, mentoring role started to shift the dynamic into something romantic and physical.

That person used emotional manipulation to keep me in a dynamic and set of situations which were very unhealthy for me.

That person initiated a dynamic in which they were giving me a lot of gifts and often small amounts of money in such a way that I felt I owed them something and sought to reciprocate that through affection.

That person contacted me every day to provide me with emotional support during a time of mental distress, knowingly building up my dependence on them.

That person allowed me to take the blame for the social repercussions of what happened, cutting me off from support networks.

That person reacted emotionally to being called out on the way things were going in a way that prayed on my anxiety about losing their emotional support.

Others from our social group were happy for me to take on the blame for what had happened, reinforcing my own feelings of culpability and shame.

Effects –

I suffered from extreme separation anxiety, struggling with suicidal thought patterns and feelings for emptiness.

So much of my internal frame of reference had been focussed on her that I did not believe that I could exist independently of her and actually believed that I did not exist as a unified person without her.

I blamed myself for iliciting an emotional reaction in her and found that this undermined my sense of self and the values that underpinned my identity. I effectively had to start from scratch, building up a small list of things that I could take some element of pleasure in and building up from there.

I avoided places and activities that I associated her for the first year or so.

I continue to have reoccurring dreams and nightmares about her and her partner, particularly about being in their house, a space which was very unhealthy for me, but which I continued to spend time in at her request.

I was unable to relate emotionally to my partner and family for around three months and was unable to have a physical relationship with my longterm partner for longer.

I am now struggling with intermittent anger flare ups, in which I am moved to uncontrollable rage by small and fairly insignificant things.

I find it difficult to maintain close friendships for the fear that I am going to get sucked into a similarly destructive situation.

I continue to feel a sense of hypervigilance and anxiety whenever I am outside in a place where I run a reasonable risk of running into either her or her partner.

I'm just wondering whether this sounds like C-PTSD as this might give me a clue about where I can go next in terms of working on this stuff and ironing some of the symptoms that affect me now.

My main reservations are that -

* I was never the victim of physical violence or sexual abuse, so my causes may just not be significant enough.
* Due to the dynamic created, I was responsible for attempting to maintain a relationship with the individual concerned at certain points.

Any thoughts appreciated, anyway.

Thanks.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Welshfox! I'm glad you're here.

While no one here is qualified to make a diagnosis, it certainly sounds as if you have some of the symptoms of cptsd. Ultimately, you are the best qualified to judge if you do or not.

You do not need to ever be hit or physically assaulted in any way to suffer the effects of trauma. Just witnessing horrendous things happening to others is enough to cause trauma! Sometimes it is less what you went through, and more that you did not receive the essential care that all humans need in times of stress.

I hope you find answers here, and the help you're seeking. Thanks for joining!

[WelshFox]

Thanks for that.

I shall have to read around a bit more i think, but lovely to receive such a kind welcome.