I had a "known" episode at work, at the office.

[Cf]

It's the first time I was made aware of it. That is having an episode at work. What did it look like? What causes people to look so frightened? I don't see it, not sure if I feel it. I terrified someone. I want someone to tell me what I looked like. What I see in movies, or videos I do not think is me. I'm not trying to be different it's just confusing. Why? How do I go back to work knowing this will happen again? I was laid off. Not because of the episode, rather I already knew it was coming and it was partially why I blew my gasket.

[Wife#2]

Oh, CF, I wish I had any answers for you. That must have been so hard to experience. I can say that this is a safe place to come, explore what you feel safe exploring and to start figuring out what happened and why.

None of us are here as professionals, rather we're all in one place or another with CPTSD. We may not be able to give you guidance, but we will certainly be here to listen and to encourage you as you find your way through all this.

Welcome. Look around if you're up to it. There are helpful tools available and helpful people, too!

[Cf]

Thank you. It's nice you replied to me. I keep seeing the persons face. They are so scared! I thought I was in control and they were attacking me. I want an idea on how to catch myself before I scare someone. I had locked myself in my office, and covered the windows in paper. I think I was " brewing up" for three days. I came home each night, and went back and got to where I was under a truth bubble. Have you had that? Where I snapped back to anyone that approached me. My employer knew I was under duress. Knew something was wrong, but needed me until after I cut payroll.  What a fart!!!

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the forum, Cf! I'm glad you're here.

At http://pete-walker.com you can dig a little more and learn how we are triggered into emotional flashbacks, as well as the "4F responses" that are common with us. Although I recognize all 4 in myself, the response that is the most troublesome to me is the "Fight" response.

I would really like to talk to some of the people whose faces I can still see in my minds eye as they react to me "losing it". I have no memory of what I was saying.

As Wife#2 says, we will listen to you and encourage you as you find your answers. Thanks for joining!

[Cf]

Wow! Thank you. I've had ptsd I guess most my life.  I've not explored it because doing so makes me more sensitive to episodes. Looking back I've seen those shocked faces, but either denied them or wrote them off as Misperceptions . I was the victim! Why was everyone siding with the other guy? This time. This time it was different. I'm an HR representative now, and I've trapped myself in a small office, and strategically sealed off visual contact by taping paper over the windows. My employer, a known socially inept person keeps me employed because I'm the only one left who knows how to cut payroll. What a mess! But, it allowed me to see it for the first time--see me I mean. See me in those scared eyes. And, a witness whom I respect. Thank you! I was feeling a little freaky here. Feeling narcissistic for wanting to see myself in an episode. those frightened eyes looking at me, while I'm feeling like I'm refrained and controlling myself. That's it. That's what I want to know more about. I'm going to admit something: I think I'm curious because I want to master that moment. I want to gain controle...No! No, I think I want to master masking my episode. I'll look at your website. Thank you.