**Trigger Warning** Maybe? New Member lost in shadow.

[Cthulee]

Whew ok, I can do this... I said mentally before typing this.
(This is me after typing it all out: Trigger warning applies to the below content.)
(I go through most of my life and what caused me to get to here. Hopefully my punctuation is on point.)

Hmm... How open should I be? Ahhh forget it, lets go all in (No detailed graphics though)

I am 25, married and have a child. From the outside my life look perfect 
So why am I here... honestly don't know... maybe to hear kind words... get advice.

When I first found this site it was late last week... I was in a very dark spot, one that you sometimes don't come back from . Luckily I was saved again by my wife and child being ever present in my thoughts. When I was young (earliest confirm-able memory being 5yrs old) I was taken advantage of and abused by my mothers boyfriends. She never believed me nor defended me, though I always tried to defend her when things got heated. Just this year I've cut all lines of contact from my mothers side of the family until I figure me out... ( Who am I really?  ) My childhood consisted of abuse, trauma, more abuse, alcoholics, and unspent primal fury (on my part).  I hid all of these emotions and memories from myself for 9 years now, but a recent argument with my wife cracked this concrete sealed vault of untapped emotions and I had(am having) a hard time just containing them. It felt as though the child version of myself awoke and wanted revenge on those who wronged me. I remember every houses location, how to get there, who did what, and when. I was able to put together an almost exact timeline of what my childhood was like. ( ?) But then I had to deal with these truths that I didn't want to be real... I still dont want to... surprisingly I'm not really feeling an emotion as I am writing this.  . I called every psychiatrist in a 50 mile area of me and the nearest appointment I could get was in June... most wouldn't take me without a referral from another doctor... Just kinda gave up on getting  doctor level help. 

I have an appointment with a counselor that my wife made for me, but I doubt the ability of most people who haven't experienced my level of (Guilt,Shame,Anger,Fear,Sadness  ) trauma, to understand what it is like to exist like this.

Growing up there was abuse, trauma , and at times no food due to my mothers drug addictions, and various other events  . But even more than that... no one ever really took the time to ask me if everything was okay.  ... Not a single teacher, even when I came to school with black eyes, or crying...

I ran away from my mothers house (Dad disappeared when I was 1) when I was 13, where I stayed in a crack house for 3 days where I got to see drug addicts at there worst? best? idk... Anyway... they gave me food (even offered drugs, but I saw who my mom was and said no thanks. Smart kid me  ) After those 3 days I went to my best friends house, who's house, while dysfunctional, was WAY better than mine. I asked his mom if I could live there, she said of course and I went back home... got grounded and abused a little more... at which point I packed up, cut the screen out of my window, and ran away... again.

She would call the police to report that I was missing every once and a while, at which point I would move in with her for a week or 2 , she would get high again and I would leave. Her various abusive boyfriends blamed me for her issues and would let me know they had a problem with me, usually with violence.

My home life gave me little appreciation for human life, so much so in fact that I asked a marine to show me how to defend myself lethally... at age 14 I was ready to take human life if I needed to... (Wow typing that felt real  ) He showed me but only after talking to me about acceptable use of force. (I've never fully used what he showed me that day, but I did almost have to a few times). Going  back a little to age 12 was the first time I almost ended my life prematurely.  Since then I've never attempted to "end it all". But that memory stings like a million bees. My Mother didn't even ask why I wanted to, she just continued to be abusive and I was struck for attempting to do it.

Not sure if you made it this far but hey if you did, sorry for the choppiness of my story... Never typed it up... I will get to the positive things soon... I promise.

I was also taken advantage of by the children of my neighborhood... this memory is the hardest to deal with... people who were just a few years older than me... they heard that I was willing to do things (sexually) for food... this rumor happened because of a time I hadn't had anything to eat but cans of condensed milk for a few days, and I asked a high school kid who was friends with my older brother for food... he wanted payment and so I offered the only currency I really knew from years of abuse (skin), he accepted this payment, and a quiet reputation was formed. This currency stopped abuse, so it also could get me food... I didn't know there was anything wrong with this, I had no Idea this wasn't right... this was my normal. Over all I can remember exactly who, when, why, and the "rewards" I earned for my sacrifice.

(Oh jeeze, I can't believe I am putting this out there )
Well Now Time to transition to more current life.

At 16 I met my wife and I knew from the moment I saw her that she was the one.
We married at the court house when I was 18. I went active duty military when I was 19.
I boxed up all feelings and hid them . Most people call me robot now a days, I function purely on logic most of the time... If it's right it is right, wrong is wrong.

I've advanced in my career well ahead of my peers, and most find me to be one of the smartest well informed people they know. I've helped others be successful and now am an IT policy adviser at the senior level because I remember almost everything. (Blessing and a Curse) I can relive moments like movies in my memory. I can re-experience a memory and tap into the senses I experienced during the memory. 

My wife is awesome and My kid is awesome... luckily my wife is a psychology major, and suggested that I find something like this for support... Well I am here so I hope she is right. 

When I trigger, my logical half has to immediately go into full damage control mode as I fear what I could do to someone if I let myself black out like I used to. (Oh yea, as a kid I would get into fights at school, and completely black out until someone stopped me).

earlier this year my best friend threw our dad (His step dad, and my only real father figure) to the ground over an argument about him taking my best friends seat at the table. This was the closest encounter to blacking out I've had in years... part of me wanted to punish him for being ungrateful... My family (friends) intervened and split us up. Most people said "I haven't seen you like that ever..." Logical robot me usually is cool headed. He awakened the protector inside. (Imagine the hulk)

The fight with my wife a little time ago made me very vulnerable... I felt like a damaged child was speaking from within me, I was telling her that everything hurt all of the time, that I wasn't ready to deal with those emotions and that everything would be okay one day. (All of this while in a ball crying on the floor refusing to interact with her)... After that I became myself again, and she said I needed to find help... I doubt I can go into any more detail than this, so I will probably print this before I go to get help, but yea... tis my life.

Well that is everything... If you want to know more, let me know. I have no strong emotions about anything I've said so far. This is mostly my pre-controlled history... the times when others made my decisions... since I've taken over things are pretty darn good.

Just have unwanted memories and emotions that are hard to shake off sometimes.
Silent wounds that I still bleed from, but I can't take the time to heal... I must provide a life for my family that I wasn't ever able to have as a child.

If you made it this far you've finished the story of my life... Sorry? Thank you?
You know more about me that all but 1 person in the whole world does.

  Thanks for reading internet people.

What should I do now? Guess I'll sit here waiting for comments. Maybe eat lunch.

[Debcaf]

Wow although I didnt have the same abuse u did my feelings are the same.  Starting today I'm going to do my best and help myself. And good luck to you too.

[Manchesterford]

I'd love to be able to say or do something that would release you from this shame because reading this I can see nothing you should be ashamed for and a great deal you should be proud of.  I hope you get support you need through a therapist. You are very much in my thoughts.  Keep posting. We are here for you

[Three Roses]

I read the whole thing, and you have nothing to say either "sorry" or "thank you" for, although when it's me telling the story I usually say the same at the end. 

You don't say when your appointment is but I hope the counselor is educated on the difference between ptsd and complex ptsd. There are some very helpful downloads for us to print out for our appointments with therapists and doctors in our Resources section (http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/)

I hope I am making sense, I'm very dissociated today.

You and your wife should both read "The Body Keeps The Score". It's written by Dr van Der Kolk who is a psychiatrist and leading researcher in trauma, which changes not just our mind but also our brain. His book explains it all, as well as why it can be a challenge to get diagnosed with cptsd -and different, effective therapies to help us recover.  It's written in a very casual style and wasn't triggering for me.

Getting a little more personal here - your story made me ache for that little boy who just needed someone on his side. Someone who would just sit and talk to you, nurture you, and not take anything from you. Eyes that smile at you, hands that reach to help and not to hurt. That little boy is still inside and it's not too late for him to experience compassion and joy.

You are incredibly brave and I thank you for opening up and allowing us in. It's an honor, I really mean that! Thank you too for taking that little boy inside you by the hand and leading him out. Your son will thank you later.

Another helpful site - http://pete-walker.com. Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" and his website are one of my favorite sources when I need info.

Please keep us updated, I'd love to hear more from you. I really can relate to your history and I'm in your corner cheering you on. I'll be watching for an update, sending you wishes for peace and healing.

to your family.

[Cthulee]

I have an appointment with a therapist on the 20th, and a appointment with my family doctor on the 15th.

I'm also a part of another CPTSD forum and they told me to look into "Alexithymia" and take the online test for it.
I scored very high in every category. Just another thing to talk about.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my long winded post. Just wanted to get it all out there to see if I felt any relief... I didn't, but hey I tried.

I'll post again after I get a few sessions in with some doctors. See if they actually help.

[Cthu2lee]

  Forgot my account information as I was undecided if I wanted to live at the point of writing the last message.

Developments since last post:
I was put on anti-depressants and I hated it so I stopped.

I went to counseling and they failed me epicly and validated my general distrust for humans.

I've accepted that while my views may make me jaded, it has never been clearer that people in general are selfish, and that while my distrust in people seems harsh it has never been more clear that it is valid, and that I should assume 99.9999999999% lack the capacity to understand the depth of my pain and it is unfair for me to ask people to try...

Future Goals:

Cope with the fact that I may never meet another person that has explored this much of the abyss, or anyone actually capable of helping.

Parting note:

I hope if you have issues you can find people who actually care about you, I have failed to, but I am just 1 of 1000000 souls lost in the abyss.
I've decided that I should live and will not be releasing myself from this tormenting reality, though I will greet death with a loving embrace whenever I am offered an audience.

Good bye OOTS, thank you for listening, I gave it my best shot.

[Kizzie]

Cthulee, there is a great quote by Dr. Judith Herman, the person who identified Complex PTSD about the power of communities such as OOTS to help those of us with the disorder:

Traumatic events destroy the sustaining bonds between individual and community. Those who have survived learn that their sense of self, of worth, of humanity, depends upon a feeling of connection with others. The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair, and the strongest antidote to traumatic experience. Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes; the group bears witness and affirms. Trauma degrades the victim; the group exalts her. Trauma dehumanizes the victim; the group restores her humanity.

Repeatedly in the testimony of survivors there comes a moment when a sense of connection is restored by another person's unaffected display of generosity. Something in herself that the victim believes to be irretrievably destroyed---faith, decency, courage---is reawakened by an example of common altruism. Mirrored in the actions of others, the survivor recognizes and reclaims a lost part of herself.

Just something to consider before leaving OOTS and giving up on people entirely.