Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi,
I joined this forum a few months ago - I can't remember when exactly, but this is my first posting, and I wasn't sure where to post - but a journal feels a good place to start.  I'm really not sure what kind of things I feel comfortable to write about.  I've kept diaries as a child, but I never felt able to write the things that concerned or mattered to me there, as I feared they would be read by my parents. 

There was literally one time that I did write about things, and I felt so bad I had to go through that entry and blacken it out so that no words could be read - I remember it vividly. 

I am 50 years of age now, and I feel good to be writing something here - because reading everyone's entries and posts has given me some strength - and I feel like it's a supportive place - and I hope to come back here and write more as time goes on.

Emotionally - whenever I came here to the forum, and thought about writing something, there was a feeling of fear that I wouldn't be able to do my post 'justice' - that somehow it wouldn't be 'good enough' and I realise the perfectionism aspect that is clearly there.

I've read Pete Walker's book about 3 times now.  I bought it last year.  I read the one called 'From Surviving to Thriving' first, and that's the one I've read 3 times.  I did also buy 'The Tao of Fully Feeling' but I prefer the Surviving to Thriving one as I relate to it so much.

I think this forum is wonderful, and I hope that I will be able to use this journal as part of my 'recovery' - I chose my name carefully - i.e. 'Hope' and I do have hope that life will be positive and that there is 'hope'.

I feel ok for writing what I've written, and that in itself feels like a good start. 

So I'll sign off for today, but I will continue to read and learn from the amazing posts that others have done, and I hope to write again when the time feels right.

Hope66. 

[Three Roses]

Hello Hope 

I just want to make sure you know that journals are considered, usually, more private and so don't feel bad if you don't get any responses. I don't usually respond to journal entries bcuz I feel like they're more private than a regular post. (I do read them tho.)

Thanks for joining

[Hope66]

Thank you Three Roses, I appreciate you saying that.  :-)

[Hope66]

I am pleased that I posted the start of this journal yesterday, because I could then process the emotions that followed having done so!  I felt some significant anxiety at first, but then it felt 'good' - empowering to think that I could write somewhere, and that in communicating I'd be sharing things with people who understand C-PTSD - that feels important.  So I hope to continue posting, both in the journal and also in other parts of the forum.  I relate to many different 'areas' of the forum, and I feel it will help me to communicate with people who understand.

So I feel good about things today.  So far so good.  The weekend is here, and I'm looking forward to that.

[Hope66]

I am still working out how exactly I process my emotions.  I know that I comfort eat when things are difficult - and I've succumbed to comfort eating over the weekend and again today.  I think it's because I've written something 'out there' - i.e. in a place that can be 'seen' - even though it's in a place that I know will be helpful to me.

I've ordered a book for Christmas - by Van der Kolk called 'The Body Never Lies' - I think that's the title.  I wanted to read it because I think my body stores up tension, and my back aches sometimes when I'm under stress. 

I had a lot of stress this past few months, but in many ways, I am making progress - because I'm putting some pieces of a jig-saw together and it is making sense to me.  But at the same time, it's overwhelming at times.

I've suffered various sleep disturbances throughout my life too - night terrors and also sometimes some quite violent 'nightmares' where I literally get thrown out of bed, and I can hurt myself on those occasions.  I am thankful that those have got better recently - i.e. I've not noticed any for a while. 

I'm hoping to write in my 'journal' here from time to time, and also venture into other areas of the forum and contribute to other part of the threads - I've been reading what people have written, and feel that everyone is really brave - insightful and kind.  I like that. 

Just thinking that someone can be validating and kind makes me feel tearful, because I don't feel I've had my emotions or my feelings allowed as a child - and I've felt repressed and have had to contain myself and keep family 'secrets' - only in very recent years have I begun to 'talk' to anyone about things.  Only a few trusted people, and I did see a therapist for a short while about 4 years ago.  It was very helpful to do that, and I got so far, but I can't afford more therapy at the moment - and so I'm turning to self-help kind of books - like Pete Walker's books, which I love, and buying the new one too by Van der Kolk.  I"m not sure if I've got the name right... going from memory there. 

I also bought a book about Emotional incest too - I hope I won't overwhelm myself with these books, but I hope to read them and I've seen there are places in the forum to discuss books, so I hope to go there and talk to others.

As someone said to me, baby steps, and I am taking them.  Cautiously but I feel braver.  But I must stop comfort eating, as I don't feel good when I do that.

I am so grateful that someone has set up this amazing forum - I've seen Kizzie's posts, and they are wonderful. 

I feel very emotional writing this, and I think it's because I'm so happy that someone might be reading this and that they might understand - it means a lot.

[Three Roses]

(I read it and I understood! )

[Hope66]

Thank you Three Roses, that means a lot.   

[Hope66]

I've got through Christmas relatively ok, although it was tough in places.  I've got a lot going on at the moment, and some significant changes going on - regarding some relationships and finding that people don't appear to cope very well, or as I anticipate they might, if I act outside my 'script' (i.e. what they expect me to do or say).  It's scary how much people can be pigeon-holed and expected to act and behave a certain way, just because others expect them to.

I've got the 2 books I ordered - and I want to start reading them, but somehow I'm feeling apprehensive and wondering when is the right time to read them.  I may try reading some over the weekend.

I had some vivid dreams leading up to Christmas, and it was good to write about them in the forum. 

I keep coming here to the forum and reading things that people write, and wanting to interact in the threads, but then feeling a whoosh of emotion that makes me hold back. 

I feel I'll get better as time progresses and feel more brave - I really find the things that other people write to be very validating of things that I struggle with.

I think this community is a friendly and very supportive one. 

[Three Roses]

Feel free to jump in, anytime!

As far as reading, I found "The Body Keeps The Score" to be engaging and informative. I can't remember another time I felt so validated by a book!

When I read it, I made comments in a thread, you may find it interesting -

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4305.msg25780#msg25780

Feel free to add on, if you want to. I'm sure you have insights we can use

[Hope66]

Hi Three Roses,
Thank you so much for that link - I will definitely pop into that thread and hopefully post something in there once I start reading the book.  I still haven't managed to venture into it, but I will hopefully do so very soon!

I am sure it will be so helpful to have a place to reflect on the contents of the book. 
Thanks again.   

Hope

[Hope66]

So, it's New Year's Day - and I feel more positive about 2017 than I did about 2016, so that is good!  But I have also been over-eating to a chronic degree over Christmas and my clothes feel tight - it's not a good feeling.  I know I comfort eat, and there's been a lot of stress - but reading the other posts have helped me to realise the fact it's a stressful time of year for many of us.  Probably most of the people out there in the world - or so it seems!

But I've got through it, and it was ok.  I am relieved.

I've been thinking about whether to pursue therapy - but to be honest, my finances aren't great - I need to budget and therapy is expensive, and limited where I live.  I don't think they understand complex PTSD - Pete Walker's book has been the best help so far, and I can see that the people in this lovely forum understand - it is great to see so many things here I can relate to.  I find it validating to read the threads.

My sleep has improved - such a relief as I hate bad dreams - especially as I tend to 'act out' in my dreams - i.e. physically move about - maybe run sometimes, and I can hurt myself at such times.

I'm recognising big time that I might be dissociating when in different situations - even whilst watching films - it's hard to stay in the 'moment' and focus.  I find I miss content and really have to try hard to concentrate on the here and now.  Frustrating, and I want to do better.

Have to go - but good to write these few words.   

[Hope66]

I've read the book called 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Van der Kolk - wow, it was amazing.  So many things resonated with me, and I wrote notes while I read it - and also wrote some flashbacks that came back to me whilst I read it - putting those in brackets, so that I could go back to them and try to work through some stuff. 

I felt like I focused better on that book - I normally end up dissociating, but somehow I was able to really focus - I think the eye movement desensitization is a great idea - so much of that book makes sense.  I really wish I'd read it years ago, but maybe I wouldn't have been ready back then to take it in.  I don't know.  Better late than never - and I am relieved that there are things I can do to make things better - I've already been to the library and got out some books on 'breathing' and also 'mindfulness'. 

I also want to try to begin to organise my thoughts and feelings better - and try to get more in touch with my 'feelings'.

There's a few things I want to write about in the forum, to seek people's replies - but I am wondering which bits to focus on - again there's a perfectionistic side to me that wants to write in a way that makes sense, but I find it hard to think of how to put my sentences together to do that. 

I also want to take some time to allow my feelings and thoughts to flow on paper - in a private journal I'm going to start, and see what associations come up there.  Maybe I can uncover other memories - I understand better (I think) how my memories are fragmented due to being traumatic memories.  I want to enable myself to feel 'safer' so that I can explore some of the things that might be exiled from my conscious memory.  I am hoping I'll be able to make some links, and also find ways to be ever more present in the here and now.

Life is precious, and there are so many things that I would like to do with the remainder of my life.  Time is precious. 

This forum is both meaningful and a 'safe haven' - and I I am grateful that it is here.  If you're reading this, then I want you to know that I'm pleased to be in a place where people actually understand - it's a rare thing to find that.   

[Hope66]

I decided I would try to write something in the other parts of the forum, but I felt a tightness in my throat, and I felt tearful - I went from topic to topic, and thought - "Where can I write this?" - Neglect/Abandonment seemed to figure as a topic that drew me, but then images that came to mind were horrible - and I thought - "I can't write that!" - I seem to have a powerful inner censor who is stopping me from sharing things - what's the emotion?  Shame?  Humiliation?  I think so. 

I think I need a bit more time, but I feel sure I'll be brave and will share more another day. 

What I found very interesting whilst reading the book by Van der Kolk is that whenever my partner walked by - I was feeling incredibly angry towards him - as if he was violating my space.  I don't normally feel that way about him, as he is such a lovely and wonderful person in my life and he has never hurt me, but I think that the book about 'The Body Keeps the Score' had clearly triggered me - and I was facing some incredibly strong emotions/feelings - anger?  Hurt?  So many things.

I did tell my partner how I had been feeling, and it was good to talk to him about it.  I think part of me was feeling guilty for reading the book - as if I was trespassing in trying to help myself - something that my parents would have belittled and said 'There's nothing wrong here!' - denial and minimisation of me. 

I feel really upset thinking about this - but I'm glad I'm feeling things.  I am no longer in the fog.  I can see much clearer and I want to find my way to the sunshine and light.   

[bring em all in]

Hope66- Your courageous posts continue to be a source of inspiration for me. I can relate to so much of what you write- especially the points of having to deal with the internal censor and what my parents would have said to me. It seems many of us with CPTSD have internalized the abusive messages we received and we can now self-harm psychologically. I can remember wanting to tell people when I was a teen, you can stop bullying and hurting me now- I've learned how to do it myself.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

[Hope66]

Hi Bring Em All In,

Thanks for your comments, which I really appreciate.  I agree with you about internalising the abusive messages we received from our families - it's a tough thing and hard to cope with, but being aware of it is helpful for definite.