Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

My Journal entry for today (24.09.17):

To be honest I'm not sure what I'm feeling today - last week felt a bit like a roller-coaster - in terms of suffering from more intense feelings relating to emotional flashbacks (EFs) relating to abandonment - when I thought about changing my GP - and the process of trying to address my medical concerns via other means - i.e. talking to a friend about it, and consulting with a couple of Pharmacists - then I feel like I'm 'ok again' - I have a plan of action, can go to the chemist and take the relevant 'treatment' - and I've avoided having to face the new GP.

I guess I feel a bit pathetic about that, i.e. that I couldn't face going to see the new GP - but I had some really helpful replies when I wrote about that dilemma - Sceals and Blueberry's names come to mind as people who replied and said some helpful things - and 3Roses gave me a wonderful group hug - those things meant a lot.  In particular - I think the 'adult parts' of me have come out today - to say - 'You can cope with these things' - they are manageable.  You are doing ok.

I was thinking that I have 'improved' quite a bit in the past year - because I previously used to have frequent night terrors - and yet I've not had one for a significant period of time now.  It's like re-connecting with my sister has somehow 'quietened' something - reassured me, and I haven't been affected at night-time for a good long period of time. 

That is such a change for the better. 

The constant 'ruminating' I used to do - thinking virtually every waking moment, about my parents (FOO) - it's so much better now - I do still think about them, but I can actually get through a day without necessarily considering them at all - that is a massive difference!!! 

So things are improving. 

Yet as I write this, I feel a bit 'flat' - maybe it's the fear of the unknown - I'm not sure.  I'm trying to 'tolerate' different emotions, and be mindful of them, and I'll sit with this feelings and see what happens.

I will make a cup of tea and get on with some stuff.  I was busy yesterday - cleaning and stuff like that, so maybe that's why I'm feeling more 'adult' in myself today - like I've done some responsible and adult things - yet it doesn't completely 'sit' comfortably with how I feel within myself.

I think I'm over-analysing it now... 

I think I'll just go with - I'm doing ok today!   

Time for that cup of tea.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

enjoy your tea, hope.

i have some of that going on at times - am productive one day, and the next feel dull, flat, tired, etc.  you're not alone.  i always feel like i used up my amount of energy the day before and now i have to sit back and recharge.  that's been going on with me for a long time.

i think your gp thing will work out.  at any rate, you'll get thru it.  big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic,
Yes I enjoyed my tea, thank you.  I think you were so right about the need to 'sit back and recharge' - that felt like exactly what was happening.   I'm sure you're right that the GP thing will be ok - I no longer feel triggered by it - at least not now - and hopefully I will face it at a later stage, as and when I need to.

OK - my journal entry for today - I wanted to talk about a memory that I often recall - and wonder why it presents itself to me in my memory so often - i.e. it doesn't seem to have any EF triggering aspects - as I don't feel any emotion when I think of it - only curiosity about why it comes back as a fragmented memory - as if it wants me to take it seriously and process it, and yet I don't know what to do with it.

Basically it is a memory of something that happened when I was about 4 years of age - I'm estimating - I really don't know my age at the time, but I know I was very small, as I could see the knees/legs of a person - and I was walking with my Dad in a busy place (a town I think), and the next thing I remember is the hand of my Dad struggling to push me away - as if he didn't want to hold my hand, and I remember looking up his legs to his waist and on upwards to his face, and then was shocked to see he wasn't my Dad at all - but was a stranger.  Clearly what must have happened is that I had somehow stopped holding my Dad's hand, and then gone back to a man I thought was my Dad, and grabbed his hand, and of course that man was shocked that a small girl was doing that.

For some reason, I think about this image and memory a lot - but not in any upset way - i.e I don't have upset feelings about it - not to my knowledge anyway.

I wonder why it fascinates me so much.  I don't suppose anyone can really answer that - but if you're reading this and you have any comments/thoughts - then please let me know!  I wasn't sure where to write about it - as I didn't really think any section made sense to include it - which is why I'm writing it in my journal.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Two things on this memory, Hope: 1) you write about looking up the legs of this man to his waist and then further. My immediate guess is that you were younger than 4. That sounds to me like a really young child (unless you were really small for your age)

2) I have memories from when I was small (2-4 years) which are just little snippets and I wonder why on earth I remembered that and I have no idea. e.g. we dropped by on friends and I was given a glass of water Why remember that? 

On productive and non-productive days: I get a lot of that too. When did I get out of bed today? Noon? 1 pm? Something like that, although Sunday was pretty productive by my standards. But then I needed a half day to recuperate. I was actually reading part of the morning in bed, not just sleeping, but still the need to 'lie back and recharge'. I have to actually lie back because if I 'sit back' like you and san, I can't seem to help overdoing it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, funny how this works differently for all of us, right?  i was using 'sit back' metaphorically, actually.  those are the days when rocking, playing on the computer, watching shows, taking a nap are all intertwined.  no chores, basically.

hope, i don't exactly know why that particular memory keeps popping up for you, either.  maybe someday you'll figure it out, or it will reveal more to you.  i'm just glad it's not loaded with adverse effects for you. 

and, forward we go.  hugs all around.

[Hope66]

Blueberry - your comments on my age in that memory are really helpful - I was on a bus today and saw a very small girl - possibly aged just 2 years old, and I figure that was probably the age I was when that memory happened - it makes much more sense now than thinking I was 4 years old.  Thank you!  Also, I've thought more about my reaction to the 'stranger battling against that little girl taking his hand' - and I do think that his reaction 'stayed with me' - in that he was embarrassed, he was concerned not to be in contact with me. 

You mentioned you had that memory of being given a glass of water when you were very small by those people - I thought immediately - that it would have had an effect on me in that situation, because I think it shows 'caring' and 'consdieration' for 'your' needs as a small child - and probably that might have stayed with you, especially if your FOO didn't pay you the same courtesy of recognising the needs of little Blueberry.    I know you weren't asking for a reaction to your memory, but I wanted to share what I thought - and it sounds meaningful to me.

Sanmagic - thank you for the big group hug, and for your comments, which I always value - and yes, here's to 'going forward'.  :-)

Hope 

[Hope66]

"Here I am – a very small young girl – I thought I was 4 – but I spoke to the adults – and I think I'm only 2 or 3.  I was holding your hand, walking with you.  In amongst lots of people – in the town.  Before I knew it, I felt your hand wriggling – as if you were trying to push me away – I tried to hold onto your hand, and I remember telling you 'No, Daddy' and I laughed – and looked up from your knees, past your waist and upwards – then saw... another face, startled eyes, a look of disgust on a startled man's face, and I felt confused – I felt similarly startled and I ran away."

I have had this memory a few times, and as an adult I think about it – wondering why it sticks in my memory as it does.

You see – I'm not entirely certain what happened next, but there is part of me that thinks that you made me feel 'stupid' after that event – instead of comforting me – after I had been upset – you told me I was 'stupid' – or you made me feel 'stupid' – as if it was somehow my fault for losing contact with you, and ending up holding another man's hand. 

Alongside this memory – is another very close one – where I remember picking up a penny or maybe even a 2 pence piece that someone had dropped on the floor, and being excited to pick it up.  Then a woman (who must have dropped it) smiling at me, and saying to my F – "She can have it if she'd like to" (or similar words) and then you saying 'We don't want charity' (or similar words) and you threw it back on the floor.  I felt shamed by that experience – just as somehow seeing the stranger's face looking so startled at holding my hand, made me feel some kind of strange rejection.

As an adult, I often notice coins on the ground, and I pick them up, and I keep them!  I think to myself – I can keep this, and there's no shame in it.  A strange legacy from that memory I know, but somehow it gives me pleasure to know I can do that – it's a choice I can make.  Of course, if I knew it was someone's  money and they'd dropped it – I would of course return it to them – I'm only talking about small coins that are obviously 'lost'.

I realise these are such 'neutral' memories in terms of apparent connecting emotions, and I know there are far more upsetting issues that I would like to address with you – and I guess I am edging towards doing that – but I still feel disloyal to talk about your in some or many ways – even though your behaviour has affected me in so many ways.

My partner tells me that I still protect you (both my parents) in terms of thinking about reasons for your behaviour – and my sister believes you are both spirits from the dark side, and tells me there's no point trying to change the past, as it is as it is – and then I think about 'What do I think?' – and I need to think about this more.

I feel a multitude of emotions – I feel like I've given decades of my life to trying to understand and 'work things out' – and yet massive chunks of the puzzle were missing – I am now filling them in – bit by bit.  It's helped me enormously – and what helps me is knowing I have a place I can come – this forum – where there are other people who really understand things – who share thoughts and who care about each other.  It is amazing.

Anyway, it's felt good to write about this. 

My realisation from writing this is that somehow I am carrying a lot of toxic shame - which wasn't right for a child to carry, and which probably comes from your experiences as parents - I have absorbed it - I have carried it - and now I am beginning to realise this, I choose to look at things face on - as much as I can, and hopefully over time, I will feel relieved of the burdens of carrying all this stuff around.

Hope ☺

[Hope66]

Reflections on Process:
I've just written my last entry to my journal, and whilst writing it - I didn't feel much emotion.  But then I read it to myself - after writing it - and experienced so many strong emotions - I just want to write about them now - to keep them fresh in my memory - I felt intense pressure in the front of my head - like a band around my head.  I feel as if my throat is clenching and it's harder to swallow.  I find my eyes welling up, and my nose running.  Tears coming easily.  I feel really upset.

So even though at some level I don't feel I connect to emotions about these isolated fragments of memory - somehow writing about them, and hearing myself 'say them' (in my mind) means I'm processing the emotions and feeling some more intense ones.

Anyway, I'm pacing myself - and I'm going to make a cup of tea and try to relax.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Feeling quite good today - glad I did that processing of my emotions last night.  It was a helpful process.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Glad to hear your day is good , especially after processing some difficult emotions.   

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hope, being able to step back when you needed to and come back when you felt strong enough.  i think that's a big chunk of progress there. 

how those emotions can hit us can certainly feel strange at times.  it sounds like your memory snippets were preparing you to be ready for this emotional work.  keep up the good work, my dear.   big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal -  thank you so much for your lovely comment - it was good read that. 

Hi Sanmagic - I think I did make some progress - and I am trying hard to pace myself and process things at a rate that feels ok.  It's tough though as like you said, emotions can hit us in unpredictable ways.  I also am thinking of something that Three Roses said in another post - where she suggested that if thinking about potentially repressed memories causes a headache, then it is wise to proceed with caution - or similar words to that - and trying to uncover repressed memories without adequate support can be potentially damaging - (again I am trying to recall what she said from my memory) - but that has made me think quite hard about the need to pace myself even more.

I am also thinking that if I end up feeling I'm not adequately supported (i.e. by my various self-help books, my partner, my friends, and the amazing people in this forum), then I will turn to the therapist I saw previously - because I have been saving money for that purpose, and I think I could afford a few sessions - if needed - as I am budgeting now and have some money available in reserve - if necessary.  But just knowing that is a possibility - whereas previously I felt I couldn't do that, it makes me feel a whole lot better about things. 

So I'm feeling better able to keep going forward and trying to process these things and make progress.

Diary entry for today (30.09.17):
I am excited as I've ordered a book from the library and it has arrived - I collected it today - it is by Peter A. Levine with Ann Frederick  and it's called 'Waking the Tiger - Healing Trauma' - I had seen it recommended by someone in the forum, and so I am keen to read it.  I hope to be able to read some over the weekend. 

Having a book to focus on really helps me.  Gives me some direction. 

I ended up comfort eating last night - as I wasn't coping with some emotions very well - but in the light of day, I am thinking that I need to find some things to distract me from turning to food at such times... 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

ah, hope, you kind of brought a smile to my face, not of derision but of camaraderie.  with my emotional upheaval this morning, i also turned to food.  for the most part i've been doing pretty good, but today warranted just doing what i needed to do in any form that took.

so glad you got your book.  enjoy!  big hug to you, my dear. 

[Sceal]

Books are the best!

I also turn to food, I have been through a long period now where I've managed to not seek out unhealthy food. But this past week it's been too much of the good stuff. I mostly stress-eat. It's an awful habit, and I too do not know how to properly stop it. So I'm just here offering my support

[Blueberry]

I turn to books and food. Atm no food though because of a stomach bug  Maybe not the best way round the problem.