Hope66's Journal

[Blueberry]

I felt quite a bit of 'shame' in the evening yesterday, after I had written my entry here in the journal - also embarrassment that I had expressed some of my vulnerabilities, but today I feel differently about it, and I actually think 'That was brave, Hope, that you did that' - and 'Nothing bad has happened' - and infact, you feel closer to people here for having shared those things.  So that's ok!

That sounds like progress to me. 

Pete Walker's reply to you was helpful for me so thanks for asking him!

When realisations come up and I don't manage to write them down before they disappear, they come back again and usually stick about a bit longer eventually.

A T once told me that feeling embarrassment and/or shame was a definite sign that you're making progress. Idk whether that's really always true cuz I can make progress without feeling embarrassment / shame but it sounds like progress to me that you're leaving your thoughts  here in your Journal in spite of your feelings.     

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for your reply and I'm glad that Pete Walker's reply was also helpful to you - I am going to re-read it again when I am calmer, I am a bit triggered today!  I won't go into why, but I need to try to re-focus and get myself out of this, as I need to put my 'coping mask' on this afternoon for 'social stuff' - oh no!!!!  But I will think of a saying that helps me at such times which is 'This too will pass' - I find that very helpful...

Yes, I agree with you, that leaving your thoughts in the journal in spite of the feelings - that's progress.  Definitely!   

I think I need to do something 'active' to help me get some emotions out today - I'll have a think about it, and then take action...!

Hope 

[Hope67]

i think those realizations that you've missed will eventually come back.  the fact that they surfaced for you shows that you are gathering strength to face these.  maybe you're not quite ready yet to look them in the face, which is why you haven't had that pen and paper by your side.  when you're ready, you'll either remember, or you'll have your supplies there. 

keep taking care of you, hope.  you are blossoming like a flower in the spring.  love and hugs, sweetie.

SanMagic, Thank you so much for your reply - and you give me some definite hope - as I do want to re-discover things and get in touch with them.  I like the analogy of the blossoming flower in the Spring - thank you.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

If It's okay, I'd like to send you some light at least to get you through the mud. Maybe in a form of a pretty firefly (if you like those)

Thank you Sceal, so much for the hug, and also the beautiful Firefly - I know that will help me to see a way through this mud, and I really appreciate you sending me that my way.    to you, Sceal. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry on 26th March 2018

I felt like I was struggling for parts of the weekend, it was very hard - but I am through it and I feel better than I did.  I was struggling - and I felt like it was too hard to push myself to keep going and get through things, but somehow I found some strength and I am ok.  I feel so much better today - it's been a more relaxing day, and I think it's because I feel I am now understanding more how to connect to my inner wounded parts - and I'm making some progress in doing so.  I don't feel so dissociated today - like there's a more 'grounded' me - and whilst I guess it might be partly due to having a calm after a stormy weekend, it feels good.

I've been connecting to different parts of me - there's many of them, and also there's a part who likes to 'rub out my memories' - probably to protect me, so I'm calling that part 'my protector' - that part literally won't let me remember certain things, and I will hope to get its trust and as I build up my resilience, then maybe it will begin to allow me to see things for longer. 

For some reason I don't feel able to write anything more, which is interesting in itself.  So I'll stop now.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I've just written about my dilemma about seeing the doctor, and it's made me quite upset - and teary.  I wonder what part of me hurts so much, and why that is so triggering.  I guess it might be the helpless way I end up feeling, and that I don't trust people - or feel that they won't help me in the way that would be helpful. 

Anyway, just wanted to reflect on that - and actually I already feel a bit better - it's like I'm aware of a more 'grown-up' part of me that is feeling more 'in control' and reassuring the child part of me that it's ok. 

My emotions are 'waxing and waning' - I think they are like an undulating flow of energy. 

I'm going to do some 'dot-to-dots' now, as they are very calming to do.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 29th March 2018
So I have actually been to see a doctor and it was a new person - as my own doctor is about to go on holiday and didn't have any spaces - and the new doctor was helpful - she referred me to a specialist, which I wasn't expecting - but I will go with that.  Interesting that at this moment, of writing this, I feel 'nothing' about that prospect - maybe I will feel more when I get an appointment date.  Maybe it's a protective thing, to feel nothing...

I am continuing to connect more to different 'flashbacks' of memory - and I feel as if more of my wounded inner selves are communicating with me - and I'm beginning to recognise them at different ages - and I'm beginning to piece together things - I need to do some diagram drawings to put the pieces together.

I've been doing my voluntary work as well - I only do a few hours per week - and I can do it when I want to do it - there isn't a set routine - or set hours - and whilst I'm managing to cope, at the same time, it's been really triggering sometimes, and then I've worried about whether I can 'carry on' - or whether I should 'give it up' - so my confidence is definitely compromised.  But I'm going to try to keep it going.  I'll see how it goes.

I am nervous about the Easter weekend, as I have some social things I need to cope with over that time, and I know it will take a lot of energy to get through those things.  I wish it wasn't like that, it would be so nice to just relax and enjoy such things, but it doesn't feel like that - although maybe I will enjoy things when the time comes. 

I am glad that this forum is here, so I can come by and seek some refuge if I need it.

I read an article someone shared in the forum about 'Emotional Neglect' - and I thought it was really good.  I think it was a new member called Babbit who shared it, but that's from my memory, and I didn't thank them for sharing it, so 'thank you' - I have forgotten where the original thread is now...  It was a great article and I related to it a lot.

I'm feeling a bit 'flat' emotionally today - but I have things I need to do, and I am hoping the day will be ok. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i've also felt like pieces have been clicking into place.  it's a good feeling, isn't it?  like becoming more whole.  i'm glad for you that it's happening.

thank goodness volunteer work is just that - volunteer.  i hope that if it's too triggering, you can pull back on it without feeling guilty.  sometimes, tho, i also know it can be a distraction for when we go thru some rougher times, or an excuse to get out of a place if we need that, too.  use it to your advantage, unless it stops being beneficial to you.  that's how i see it.

when i was volunteering, it was a time when i was home with the girls, and, since i was able to do phone counseling, it didn't interfere with that.  it helped with my sense of self-worth, plus i got out once a month for volunteer meetings, and even made a good friend thru that.    i did it for 5 yrs. before i went back to school and just couldn't fit it in my schedule anymore.  but, i never regret doing it, it felt worthwhile, and like i was contributing to society in a pos. way.  i hope on the whole, it's the same for you.

i'm very glad you're here, hope, and that you're glad you are, too. love and a warm hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to how busy it can be with "holidays". It's supposed to be a time to relax and enjoy the moment, but many people have to treat their "leisure" time as something to perfect. I felt so claustrophobic when all the people gathered around for a holiday sometimes, and it's a little distressing.

It's alright to take it easy, Hope. It's alright to feel like having to rush yourself too.

We'll still be here.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for sharing your reflections on voluntary work, and you're right, that is what it is - voluntary - and I will try to see how it goes, and whether it's something I can handle, or whether to let it go or not.  So far, it's been challenging, but I'm learning quite a bit from it at the same time - as it is showing me how I cope in certain situations where I'm not actually 'paid' to be there - which is a contrast on how I've felt during my previous working life in paid employment.  It's very different.  Thank you for the warm and loving hug - they are always welcome, and I have just been in your new Journal to offer you one as well - what a good idea to start a new Journal - maybe I will consider doing that, as this one is quite hefty now.  Maybe I would feel 'lighter' with a fresh Journal - I will think about it. 

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I rarely find the "holidays" relaxing - so I definitely know what you're saying there - it's like they have extra pressures, and are reminders of 'expectations' from family - that's what I think.  But the thing is, that I am going to try to make them more personal - and less about expectations - I'm not sure how I'll do, as there are still some people expecting things.  Even though they're not my actual FOO - as I don't have contact with them anymore - there are others in my life who have expectations.  I try to meet those, but I also hope to find out what "I" would like - which is a hard thing to consider, as I don't actually feel as if I know 'who' I am and what I'd like....

Anyway, thank you so much Decimal Rocket for saying that I don't need to rush - and that it's ok to 'take it easy' - I will try to do that.  I hope you do as well - if that is what you'd like to do.    to you. 

****
Journal Entry for 30th March 2018

I went into a few people's Journals, and then as I was writing there, and offering hugs and words to those people, I got a strong sense of inner criticism coming at me saying "You must go round everyone's diaries now and write in them, because if you miss anyone out - well they'll feel terrible - like you didn't care about them - and you know how that feels, and so how can you do that to someone" - so - basically I only wrote in 3 people's diaries, and then I stopped - because I didn't want someone to feel left out - but already I'm thinking - Oh, I wanted to write in Sceal's diary, and in Memorex's diary and in Paper Clips' diary - and etc etc etc - and then there's Libby and WhoBuddy and Fen Starshimmer - and Dee - and so many people - 3 Roses - so many people...

This is making me feel very emotional now - because I realise that I do feel 'close' to people here - and that actually 'hurts' - and now I feel an inner part of me is 'wailing' - as she's so upset about that.  Now my head is hurting along the left-hand side and my ears feel like they are actually 'burning'.   This is strange, but it doesn't surprise me - it shows me I'm so much more in touch with my emotions, and it's ok.

I have literally felt so much more stressed out over the past few weeks - I've tried to show a 'smiley and happy' outlook to anyone who physically sees me, because that's the coping persona I'm so used to wearing.  I do it often, and it is in some ways second-nature - people perceive me as a really nice and lovely person - I know that they do - because they often say it to me.  But yet I feel as if I hold them at arm's length - in so many arenas of my life - rather than allow them to actually get close.

I am scared of getting close to them.  I feel safe with the interactions I have here in this forum, because I know we're able to reply whenever we feel ok to do so, and that it's not 'in real life' - and I have to say that in my real life situations, I still feel that I've 'walled myself off' from true authentic contact - except for my partner - I do feel true contact and intimacy with him.

This weekend has a few things in it that will be triggering for me, and will be hard to face.  But I will do my best to cope and get through them. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I've had to come back, as I thought immediately - I've missed out 'Eyessoblue' and 'Kat' and 'Andyman' and 'AncientSoul' - and this then reminded me that I used to obsessively 'count' the members of my family - and do some kind of ritual or compulsive thing where I'd repeat something the same number of times as the members in my family, and that I believed that if I missed them out, or didn't do it sufficient times, that one of them would die.  This may be because my sister - who would have made us a family of 4, suddenly 'disappeared' at various points in my life - as she was in and out of care homes - and then she disappeared completely when I was just 8 years of age, and I never knew what happened to her - not till decades later, and so I guess for small child, I must have thought she might have died, and... the thing is that I believe that I could have been responsible -

Trigger warnings here ***
just as I felt responsible for 'looking after' my NM and my enabling predator F -

The thing is that those things are 'not my fault' - I was the one who suffered at their controlling and suffocating parenting style.  They gave me no space, to the extent that I don't feel as if I could breathe properly - it's so stifling.  Yet I 'believed' it was somehow perfect - I was so stuck in a fog and unable to see.   So many parts of me shut down, dissociated and fragmented - so that my perspectives were clouded - I couldn't see. 

I see so much more now, and the fragmented and wounded parts of me are finally communicating and building a picture of things that happened and why I felt as I did.  Why the emotional flashbacks are with me constantly now, and I am beginning to truely comprehend them.  Making sense of them.

I feel some anger - towards my FOO - that's been hard to face - but it's there, and it's strong.  I also feel intense grief, intense pain, intense disappointment.  Not all the time, but at moments - and they are flashes that come and go.

Just trying to remember all the great people in this forum who have affected me, and who have helped me - I can't think of all their names, but they are all... I can't even think of the right word to say what I want to say.  Just that they do mean something - i.e. the fact they are all here, and that they have helped me in things they've said - and things I've read that they have said.

My partner shocked me a bit today, because he told me that sometimes I turn things around to be 'about me' - and I think that has shocked me a bit - because I feel that maybe I'm desperate for attention in the fact he said that.  But maybe that's the 'little Hopes' that are hungry for attention, and maybe he feels that.  I've been able to talk to him about the inner child work I'm trying to do with the self-help book - and I think it's incredible that he is supportive of me in discussing that - because I think it could be hard to talk about those things with someone who wasn't open to different ideas.  So I'm lucky. 

I think he might have been trying to say to me that sometimes other people aren't necessarily thinking about 'you' - i.e. that people tend to be much more self-focused, and not mindful of anyone outside their experience in that moment - but I'm not really sure what he meant.

I am feeling like I'm waffling now - but as Blueberry reminded me in another thread - that's ok, it's my Journal afterall.  That makes me smile, and I appreciate that reminder.

I'll stop writing for today though, as I've written quite a lot.  More than I thought I would!

Hope 

[Blueberry]

The best way to hear how you're doing and see if Easter is going to be a difficult time for you is of course to read your journal  not comment in my own.

So I'm wishing you all teh best for Easter with lots of self-care even in situations where you think you have to be there for others in some way e.g. social interactions.

I understand some of the stress of replying in peoples' journals btw. I have to remind myself from time to time not to stress so as not to get burnout over it. It does mean that I don't read or reply as much as I'd like to in some people's where I feel a connect such as yours. I hope you can be accepting of yourself about not being able to read and comment everywhere too. 

[sanmagic7]

i've also been there, done that about replying to others here.  it got to be a heavy burden, nearly obsessive.  i'm working on putting that down.  i know i'm grateful for replies, but don't usually put an expectation on anyone to do so.  i'm hoping others feel the same, because it was getting to be too much pressure.

the same with remembering everyone's names.  i have to have faith that everyone knows how grateful to them i am, even if i don't mention them by name.

i am glad, tho, that you're getting in touch with your anger, and can hopefully get it out of you, and especially glad that things are falling into place for you.  love and a warm hug, hope

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to my little parts of myself that's hungry for attention. There's always a part of me that has to fight for the right to give time to myself to be listened to. It's a struggle, but I hope you can find a way out of that struggle each time.

I also relate to thinking of really messed up things with my imagination as a kid. I seriously thought monsters in the dark would kill me, and there was no adult to soothe me out of that fear. Kids don't understand much about the world yet, and to leave them alone as they develop that understanding could be terrible.

See you. 

[Sceal]

I've been thinking of you everytime I've logged into the forum. And a few times when I haven't logged in too. Just general kind thoughts and apprechiativeness towards you. You've met me with such kindness and gentleness, I don't know how to thank you.

If you're not certain what your partner meant when he said you turn things around to be "about you", maybe you could ask him what he really meant about it, and what he thinks about it? So you don't have to worry too much about it? I think it sounds farly logical that your inner children are craving attention - and that is by no means a bad thing. It's just how it is. I sometimes too talk too much about myself, and I find I can't stop. It's like I've been quiet for so long, and if I feel safe and someone is asking me a genuine question I might talk to much - because "finally" I have a voice to use sometimes. Could it be similar?
A gentle easter  - if it's okay!