Hope66's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - I am still impressed that you started the process though - even the fact you thought of 10 books you could get rid of, you made a start.  I think that's great.  I will try hard to do something tomorrow and see what happens. 

Hi Sceal - Your ideas for effective ways to handle emotions other than eating sound really good.  I like all of them, and will try them out - thank you!     I also really appreciate your kind words - and want you to know that you similarly inspire me - there are so many people in this forum who do - I am so grateful to have been able to come here and find a safe and welcoming place.  It's like a Sanctuary - where people really understand, which is a very valuable and great thing.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Hope, good luck with those self care ideas. 

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you!   

*****
Journal Entry for 26th April 2018

I am still trying to make some progress on my de-cluttering - it is very very slow, but I am managing to do something, so I guess that is good. 

I have got another of Torey Hayden's books out of the library - it's called 'Silent Boy' and so I am looking forward to reading it.  She has written quite a few books - including these titles "Ghost Girl"; "One Child", "Beautiful Child", "Just Another Kid", "Tiger's Child" and "Silent Boy" - and the one I've already read which was called "Twilight Children".  She specialises in writing about people who are 'electively mute' and I think the book I read was amazing, so I am hopeful that I'll enjoy this next one that I've managed to find.  I am hoping to read some of it tomorrow.

I haven't been doing my 'circle meditations' recently, so I think I'm neglecting my wounded parts, and they've stopped showing me flashbacks of memories as a result - but maybe that was a good thing, as I was getting overwhelmed and overly anxious.  I am calmer now, but maybe more 'cut-off' - although I'm not sure about that, as I noticed today that when I was walking along - I could 'feel' my body moving more - which is something I wasn't used to feeling. 

Just writing about this reminds me that I had begun to watch some U-tube videos about techniques to get in touch with feeling more - right now I can't remember the name of the guy whose video I saw - might be Peter Levine?  He was talking about stimulating the Vagus nerve - especially for people who have had CSA - and I thought it was helpful how he was talking about containing the body and I did the movement he suggested and it helped me.

So maybe I'll do more of that.

I was happy to see that Eyessoblue is back in the forum - and I wonder if Libby is ok.  Not seen any posts from her for a week or so.  Was very glad to see Paperclip was back - I had worried a bit about her.  I also want to write something in Ah's post - because Ah has been such a helpful and wise person - and yet somehow I've not felt able to write anything there - glad I'm doing so now - although Ah may not see this.  I hope to write there at a later time.  It's like I don't know what to say - how to express myself - this varies - sometimes I can do it, sometimes I feel awkward.

I feel like that about the 'Healing Porch' - somehow I can go there and read what people write there, but I haven't felt able to write anything there myself - I don't know why that is.  But it has some enormous emotional 'thing' connected to it - and somehow it feels difficult for me to approach that.  I am wondering what that is about.  I don't know.  But I hope to explore it - and work out the meaning and what it means to me, if I can.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to write anything here today - but now that I've started writing, I realise I am able to write afterall, and I am relieved about that.

I've been thinking more about my sister - and feeling a bit disappointed that we couldn't maintain a relationship - but it was so difficult.  I just couldn't do it in the end.  Neither could she. 

Hope 

[Libby183]

Dear Hope,

I was so very touched that you wondered if I was OK.  It means so much.  I come to OOTS every day, to see how everyone is, and I always check in on your journal.  I have started several replies, to you,  and to others,  but I just didn't seem to have any words! But your concern has really helped me, and inspired me to look at starting my own recovery journal, something I want to do, but haven't found the strength to do yet. 

This journey through cptsd really "hurts", doesn't it?! Reading your journal inspires me and makes me feel less alone.

It's interesting that you mentioned the healing porch. I know about it and have had a brief visit,  but, like you, I can't go there. Through my EMDR sessions,  I have come to realise more and more, how very out of touch I am with my emotions.  I suppose they are there,  but I see no signs of them. Other than some anger. I think that my therapist is a bit exasperated with me. She says I need to turn off my thinking brain,  but then, there doesn't seem to be anything there at all. So, yes, I think that the healing porch is difficult because of some sort of emotional block.

I was also struck by your mention of your sister.  I'm remember that things didn't work out with her, and I'm sad about that. Thinking about childhood memories for therapy has made me realise how few specific ones I have.  And, despite my sister only being a year younger than me, and we grew up together, she simply does not really feature in my memories. I keep asking myself where she was.  I just don't know. Then I doubt myself.  It does seem to explain, however,  how we gave up on any relationship six years ago when she "sided" with our parents, and we seem to have never looked back. It seems that these parents don't allow for good relationships between siblings and it's not our fault.

It's lovely to talk here again.  It's what I needed. Thank you so much. 

Have to rush out to the train station now!

Take very, very good care.

Libby.

[Hope67]

Dear Libby - I really appreciate all that you wrote here - I'm relieved to hear you're ok, and I am really glad that you're considering starting your own recovery journal - I hope it will help you, and I certainly have appreciated doing this one - it helps me so much - sometimes I come here and think I can't write anything, and yet, I find I can - and often write much more than I thought that I could.

Yes, I think the Journey through CPTSD does 'hurt' - it's a physical and emotional thing - and I agree with you that connecting with each other, it helps to know we're not alone in this, but have some shared experiences. 

I found what you wrote about the Healing Porch really helpful - because your thoughts about it resonate with me - you think that it's relating to an emotional block - I think that sounds like a very plausible reason - I know that I am disconnected from many of my emotions - and that I tend to 'intellectualise' rather than 'feel' - and I really want to learn to connect to my raw emotions and 'feel' them - whatever they may be.

I was also interested by what you said about your sister - and how you have such minimal memories, even though you were so close in age, and brought up together.  I was only living with my sister from the age of 18 months to 3 years of age, and then again briefly for just 6 months when I was 5 years old, and my memories are extremely limited.  Like you, I used to ask myself where she was, and sometimes, was she even there?  Did she even exist?  I would doubt myself too.  When I re-connected with her, just a couple of years ago, she told me that we weren't allowed to have a relationship, and she said it wasn't our fault - much as you said too - how unfair not to be allowed a relationship with a sibling.  At least as adults, we can choose whether we wish to have a relationship with someone - but if the foundations aren't there, it's tough to build anything, or rescue something.  That's what I think.  I did try again to re-connect with my sister, but it broke down again.    There was an event recently that I thought she might contact me about, but she didn't.  So I feel that the door is closed once more.  I could open it, but I feel like it wouldn't do either of us any good.  So I am going to try to move forward and live life independently of FOO. 

Anyway Libby - thank you again for all that you said, and I hope you have a positive day - and that your next EMDR session goes well - I also keep a look out for your replies and posts - and you have inspired me with all that you have done and said.

****
Journal entry for 27th April 2018

I have period pains today - so I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I've taken some pain killers for them, and hope to be pain free very soon.  I really want to try to get somewhere today with de-cluttering - so I'm going to try my best to make some progress with it.  Then later, I'll hope to read some of the book 'The Silent Boy' this afternoon - but only if I make some in-roads on the de-cluttering.  I also need to do some cleaning and tidying - so housework is my focus.

I've got a social event I have agreed to attend on the weekend.  So that is already causing me a bit of anxiety - but I will do my best to cope. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 

[Hope67]

  to you Blueberry - thank you so much for those hugs, I appreciated them!   

Journal entry on 27th April 2018 - I felt so bad with period pains earlier, and despite taking some painkillers the pain was still with me for half the morning, so I ended up in bed!  I slept for a good part of the morning, and I'd been a bit tearful - feeling sorry for myself - just before falling asleep - but when I woke - closer to lunchtime, I felt a lot better.  So I am relieved about that.  However, I've not managed to do any de-cluttering or any housework either - I'm leaving it till tomorrow now.  Tomorrow is another day - and I really hope I'll feel up to it then.

I did read some of the book by Torey Hayden called 'Silent Boy' - I'm not enjoying it as much as the one called 'Twilight Children' - as the latter kept me engrossed from beginning to end, and I think I read it in a couple of days - but this one doesn't seem quite as interesting, but I am still finding it interesting how I get flashbacks to memories of mine - at certain points in the book - so I think it's a worthwhile exercise to continue.

I have eaten too much today - I need to be careful - I also think I'd like to lose some weight, I think I need to lose a couple of stone of weight really - I am overweight.  I will try to eat better - starting tomorrow.  I'll see how it goes. 

I feel under pressure this weekend as I know there will be visitors coming to my home, and hence I need to do the cleaning and tidying - and also make sure there's no sign of my various self-help books - if people see the titles of those, then they'll learn things about me that I don't want them to know!  The pressure to be a certain way - hiding my past from people who don't know me that well - I don't think they'd understand. 

I feel a bit like saying 'Go away' and hoping they won't come round to visit afterall - these people - but I need to be social for my partner's sake, so I will...  Reluctantly though!  But maybe it won't be as bad as I anticipate...  But I guess it's the unknown questions - and not knowing what they might say/ask, and having to keep my self together infront of them.  It's tiring, and I'm not feeling my best.  Oh well.  I will hopefully cope ok.

I feel like I'm moaning now. 

I am glad I'm not in pain anymore just now.  That's good.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Fingers crossed that you are starting to feel a bit better,  Hope. I remember just how awful period pain was. I think I was lucky to go through an early menopause. I have often wondered if bad period pain is linked to cptsd.  I don't think a definite physical process has been discovered to explain why some women suffer and others don't.  But it certainly runs in families.  My nm suffered, I did and now my daughter suffers even more so. I am sure this passing on trauma through the generations plays a role.

Good luck for your social event this weekend.  I really admire the way you cope with social activities for the sake of your partner. Hoping all goes well.

Take care.

Libby

[Hope67]

Dear Libby - thank you so much for your kind words, and I am relieved that my period is over now, and I am feeling much better.  I managed to cope with the social thing on the weekend, but it took quite a lot out of me.    to you Libby - I am glad you're writing in your Journal.

They were talking about menopause on the news this morning, and that a study has shown that diet impacts - I feel sure that CPTSD would too - in terms of painful periods - I have always suffered from them.  I feel sure you're right about passing on trauma through the generations and that playing a role.

*******
Journal Entry for 1st May 2018
I feel a bit overwhelmed - only from the point of view of not knowing quite what direction I need to go in today.  I have lots of things I 'need to do' - but I want to focus on something that will be helpful and beneficial.  I had a 'gratitude diary' - and had been writing 3 good things in a day in it, but I've mislayed it - not sure where it is.  Not sure where to look to find it.  Feeling disappointed in myself that I can't even 'keep a good system' going - can't find things... I guess my inner critic is annoyed with me.

I'm also wondering whether my buying another book - which is called "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context' by Steven N. Gold is because I am avoiding doing the work that I was doing with Janina Fisher's book 'Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors' - because I am aware that I was reaching some wounded parts and they were communicating with me, and it was very powerful, and maybe I was a bit afraid of that in some ways, and was pushing back into a wish to intellectualise, rather  than 'feel' and 'communicate'. 

I have decided that I can hopefully strike a balance here, and be able to re-read Janina's book, whilst also making a start on Steven Gold's book - and I am also reading Torey Hayden's book 'The Silent Boy' as well.

There's part of me that says 'How lazy you are - how decadent that you can spend time reading, and really you should be working - doing something 'productive' - and I'm battling with that - I get the same thoughts when I turn to my 'dot-to-dot' books - which are a way to help me to relax and de-stress - my self-care for my inner children - they enjoy doing that.  I really feel it engages a different part of my brain when I do that, and it feels good - like a 'quiet' - like I'm pouring some cooling healing gel on a frazzled ruminating brain - if that makes sense.

I was reading in the forum earlier, and I think it was Woodsgnome who had replied to someone and spoken of us being stuck in some weeds - with CPTSD - and I thought to myself, yes, that really seems to be a good description, but I have hope that this forum is one where as we traverse those weeds, we can come across like-minded folk who represent some beautiful flowers - and they have plenty of helpful things to say on this journey with CPTSD.  The petals are open and there is goodness there.  So I am glad to be traversing these weeds in such good company as the people here in this forum.  It's a safe haven - and we can negotiate the weeds together.

I'm doubting my memory now, and wondering if it was Woodsgnome who said it or not.  I wish I could check that out.  Anyway... I'll leave it there...

It's funny - I was feeling a bit over-whelmed when I started writing here today - but as I write, I'm beginning to feel more 'hopeful' that I am going in a positive direction with all this stuff.  I feel supported - this forum is supportive, and the guidance for the self-help books, it's like being with a therapist that is competent, reading the words of the authors of those books - and having resources on the U-tube as well - there is so much out there these days in comparison to decades ago - so that's good.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
I'm always impressed at all the books you're reading about trauma and healing from it. I remember a post about slowing down and taking a break from pushing yourself too hard where it came to the work on fragmented self. Perhaps you're not quite ready yet to continue, and getting this other book will help you get back to a point where you are ready to continue?

Someone reminded me today, on this forum, that slowing down is important.

You're doing good work, Hope!

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

maybe you backed off that one book because what you were heading toward was too much at the time.  there will come a time when you can go back to it, when you feel more able to tackle the 'material' that comes up.  or, maybe it's something that needs to be done with a t.  i don't know, but i don't think you're lazy.  these books seems to be helping you, even if bit by bit, and that's worthwhile, constructive, and productive.

i think too many times we think taking care of ourselves somehow doesn't count as constructive 'work'.  dang, it's some of the hardest, most worthwhile work i've ever done!

love and hugs, hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal - thank you - I think you're right, and I am slowing down a bit - to enable myself the time I need to progress forwards.  I have been thinking that I have been overdoing things sometimes, but at the same time, I am glad that I have felt able to do all this reading, and processing - because I know it means I'm 'able' to face things that I used to avoid and 'not see'.

Hi SanMagic - thank you for your reply - and you have also validated me, and especially thank you for saying you don't think I'm lazy - I recognise that was my inner critic that was coming out - and I know I'm not a lazy person - just that I have been described as being so - in the past, even though I don't think my behaviour merited that description at all.  I have always been hard-working, diligent and try to do my best with all things.  I suspect it's my perfectionism that makes things very tough - because essentially it makes me feel flawed or as if I'm struggling, and of course, it's probably because I can't obtain whatever I am aiming to do.

Actually as I write that, I am thinking - does that really make any sense?  I'm not sure it does, and yet that is what I ended up writing.  I don't really know what I think about things - maybe I could list what I do like, what I don't like, and even then - I would struggle to do that.  Because I think I've been 'told' what I like and what I don't like by my FOO, and they never really knew me.  Never related to me as a person with my own individual rights and feelings and thoughts.

***
Journal Entry for 2nd May 2018
I think I'm feeling 'triggered' today - not really sure what the trigger was - but I feel a sense of 'frustration' and a 'restless' feeling.  It's like I'm angry about something, but can't put my finger on exactly 'what' it is.  The fact I can't pinpoint it, it's making me feel frustrated.

Even writing today isn't really helping me.  I need to do something else I think.  Maybe I'll go outside for a walk in the fresh air.  Maybe that will help.  I hope so.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

it made perfect sense to me, hope.  if you're supposed to be perfect, then not doing things perfectly would certainly leaving you feel like you failed.  i grew up striving to be perfect to the point where i believed i was.  i even eliminated any trace of an ICr, because that would tell me i was imperfect, and imperfection was not allowed.

i think a list is a good thing sometimes, getting stuff down in black and white can help make it more real for you.  an idea i just thought of - it's said that writing with your non-dominant hand accesses a part of your brain from before adult logic.  i believe that all of us had likes and dislikes of our own before the adults got to us.  maybe that would help you.  don't know.  maybe.

love and hugs, hope.  i think you're making progress, even if you're in the 'one step back' place right now.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said, as it makes perfect sense to me - and I relate very much to what you said about 'striving to be perfect' - I was particularly interested in what you said about eliminating any trace of your inner critic, because imperfection was not allowed in your FOO - I do relate to that.  I have been what could be described as a 'high achiever' - I have achieved a lot in my professional career, and coped with many things - and I am sure that other people would regard me as 'coping' and 'doing well' and would be extremely surprised to know how I've felt 'inside' - I was able to hold down a very demanding career for a few decades, but in the end my C-PTSD caught up with me, and I wasn't able to keep it together.  So that whole transition has been such a learning curve for me - and that's when my inner critic has 'come out' to 'shame me' for no longer 'achieving' and 'furthering my career'. 

But you know, I feel better for stepping back, and finally looking at my issues and my goals in life - I know that I can achieve things, but really - I don't need to keep trying to prove myself - what I do need to do is to find out how to quieten the inner critic that has come out - and also finally look at the wounded parts of myself which have helped me to cope with things and got me through my life - but whom I feel I have neglected, through not being able to 'see them' - I am beginning to communicate with them now, and it feels positive.  Although over-whelming too.

I have tried to write with the non-dominant hand previously, and I think it was quite interesting, and I will try it again.  Thanks for the reminder of that - and  to you SanMagic.  You are a kind and lovely person, and your heart is huge.

****
Journal Entry for 3rd May 2018
I feel a bit better today - not sure why.  I felt frustrated and some anger was surfacing yesterday, but I had no idea why.  But when I think of it today, I can relate that it was most likely due to a couple of things that are on my mind, relating to this coming weekend, and that I have been getting anxious about them.  However, I am going to try to handle them, and get through them, and in the meantime, I'm going to try to keep grounded and cope.

I'll see how it goes.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

good luck for the weekend, hope.  i hope it goes smoothly and well.  thinking of you.   love and hugs.  and thanks for the kind words.  touched my heart.