Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

Yes, I hope that my fear will dissipate, now I've mentioned it here, and I'm glad to hear that happened for you when you talked about it in another post.  You've made a very valid point about listening to body or emotions wanting to avoid certain topics till we're better able to deal with them too - I think that is such a relevant point.  Thank you.   

Yes, I did feel a sense of some 'release' of my emotions when crying in films etc - and I acknowledge my tendency to repress and have pent-up emotions otherwise.  So it's good to allow that release.  I am no longer fighting it - which means I can express the feelings better.

Yes!  My doll is now unwrapped - I felt really excited on the day I opened the parcel and very happy to have her in my life.  She is unusual - and beautiful, and I really appreciate the fact I have her in my life.   

Thanks for your reply - and hugs back to you as well 

Hope 

[Hope66]

It's a holiday here in the UK at the moment, so more time - I feel like I've 'wasted' it - not been very productive, but at the same time, I am not going to feel too bad about that, as I think I needed to chill out a bit and unwind.  Normally, I try to read whatever current 'self-help' book I'm into, but I've finished one, and don't have any more to turn to - I could go online and look for things, but I decided I should take a break from it.

But then I'm in a bit of a 'void' - wondering in what direction I should go. 

I have been a bit more 'open' with friends about my feelings - in that I've been sharing some issues or instances where I feel annoyed or upset about something - and this is different from what I'd normally do, which would be to say quiet and repress it - keep it to myself.  However, in the process of doing that, I end up feeling quite bad about what I've said - but thankfully I've had some very helpful responses from friends who have said that it's helped them to hear my thoughts or feelings about something.  So I should do more of that.

I was watching a film last night that had a codependent couple in it, and I wondered 'Am I codependent'?  But at the same time, is it so bad to be codependent?  I think it's nice to rely on a partner and feel loved and cared for, but maybe I am overly dependent on my partner. 

I still find that I have a censor that is stopping me from being more open in so many situations and scenarios.  One of the books I read, mentioned that it's important to live with authentic truths, and I know that my FOO kept so many things 'secret' from me, so many taboo subjects - and if only they had been able to be open and honest about things, then it would have been so much healthier for me and for them.  I feel sure of that.

On the occasions when I've been open with friends - I've found that they tend to reciprocate and the relationship deepens.  But I am aware of how carefully I choose who to share what with.  I know some people would cope and others wouldn't understand.

Even as I sit here writing this, I think - "What are you saying here?"  "Does this make ANY sense" - to you, to anyone?  Erase what you've written, stop it, don't write anymore.  What's the point.

But the point is that beginning to open up more about things that I've kept hidden and secret for years is such an important part of healing and making progress, and I feel sure that it's doing me good.  I feel like it goes in waves - in that I experience changes in mood, and levels of coping, but essentially - I AM coping.

I am sleeping better than I used to - since I've been coming to this forum and writing about things, I've not had many night terrors, and I've felt a greater sense that there are people out there who understand.

That is meaningful, and that is special. 

Anyway, I am glad to have written more today, even if my inner critic wanted me to erase it. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I'm glad you wrote what you did and didn't erase it. It all made sense to me.

When I started opening up to friends, the relationships tended to deepen too. 

Public holiday here today too and it felt like I was wasting the time away, except that I had a realisation which I've written in my own Journal. A realisation coming and/or memory resurfacing is often preceded by a day or two of not being able to get on with things.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

Thanks for your comments, and it's good that we got through the recent Public holiday - I find those harder to cope with.

Your feedback that a realisation coming and/or memory resurfacing is often preceded by a day or two of not being able to get on with things is really helpful.  Thank you.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope, glad my comments helped. And am very happy you posted because I tend to forget that very realisation  which I suppose means that I've just been in another mild but long EF.

When I'm in a self-forgiving mood, I quite like Public holidays because they are days when I can do as I like, somehow. The country shuts down for the day: everything's closed, the centre of town where I live is really quiet (as opposed to Mon-Sat), and only select friends phone, nobody drops by. So I feel nobody is going to interrupt me from lying in bed all day if I feel like it, or being up but still in pyjamas (sometimes just deciding what to wear is triggering for me  ) at 2pm. But as I say, only works if I'm in a self-forgiving mood.

[Hope66]

Thanks Blueberry, I also like Public holidays too - less structure and being able to choose what to do. 

I also like weekends, and it's the weekend now!  Hurray!!!

My diary entry for today:

I'm just going to copy and paste what I wrote in another thread (about Dreams) for the continuity of reminding myself what I said, so here it is:

"I've decided to add to this thread, because I have had a couple more dreams this week - one was very realistic and involved me receiving a phone call (in my dream) from my FOO (Mum) telling me that my Dad was on his death bed, and my partner took the call, and told me she was on the phone - and what was happening.  I 'froze' which is what I would do if I received any phone call from her - I have been NC for a while now - but in the dream I ended up going to the phone, and saying to her 'I'm here' (I felt a surge of energy to enable me to do that, it felt 'assertive') but then she wouldn't speak on the phone at all, and I put the phone down.  Remember this is all a dream, and then I remember thinking about whether my Dad had died or not. 

I guess it's my subconscious mind worrying about these things, and the fact is that someday that scenario will happen, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.  Being NC has some testing aspects to it, but I think if I can't face them when they are alive and breathing, what can I do when they are gone?

I also had a 'night terror' (according to my partner) on a different night (last night) and he told me that I asked him if there was anyone else in the room with us, and that I had a rapidly beating heart and I was shaking and visibly upset and anxious - but I don't have any recall of that incident at all - I wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't told me about it.  I find that quite scary in some ways, as I think my heart must be being put through it's paces and I don't even know about it. 

I just wanted to put these dreams and experiences here, and I hope that I will have more peaceful experiences in the next few nights.  I am sleeping quite well - which is good. "

OK - to my thoughts and feelings about posting about that - I felt it was good to put it in the 'Dreams' post, because it was 'getting it out' and writing it down, but what happened for the hours after was a multitude of 'bad thoughts' about the fact I'd had such a dream - probably because in my 'ideal mind' I'd have loved a family that was close and healthy, and where I didn't end up being NC when my parents are older.  I think they are fit and healthy, as opposed to frail, but they are older, and somehow I feel like 'society' will judge me for choosing to be estranged from them.  I know that this community will not tend to judge - because you understand, but I couldn't stop myself from fearing that somebody might tell me 'How could you!' or similar words.

I guess it's my 'inner critic' at work there - but I posted it, and I am tolerating the thoughts better now as their intensity and frequency is lessening.

I HAVE made a decision regarding a 'move forward' to help myself to process some of my past memories etc - and I'm going to write a post about that in a minute to get people's ideas and thoughts.  So I'll do that now... 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Not sure if I can copy and paste the link to the thread I just wrote, but it is here:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6403.0

Hope 

[Hope66]

Trigger warnings: Mentioning Childhood Sexual Abuse in today's entry.

I've been getting myself organised this weekend, and been busy trying to sort out things to throw away, and things to keep.  Ended up looking at some photos, and saw myself with my FOO in some of those - and realised that I looked unhappy in those photos - like there was a smile on my face, but behind the smile was an emptyness portraying that I wasn't happy in them at all.  It made me feel sad.  But I was also able to compare more recent photos (since being NC with FOO) and realising that I have a smiley face that is more 'genuine' - and that I am happier without them in my life, than when they were.

Whilst I was sorting though things I found a self-help book (bearing in mind I buy lots of these and also get them out of the library too), and the one I found is called: "Rescuing the 'Inner Child': Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children" by Penny Parks.  The book was written in 1990 and reprinted in 2008.  So I'm wondering how long ago I bought that book, because I can't ever remember reading it.

The reason for that is I felt unable to acknowledge my childhood sexual abuse in any real sense - in that I was scared to read about it and scared of what I might find out in books about it.  But today, having found that book, I felt that I 'can' read it - and so I started to read it, and found that I could actually focus on it - although it was triggering and I had some EFs - but I've managed to cope, and it's been ok.

One thing I read was that "the natural father is the most common aggressor, according to P.B. Mrazek, M. A. Lynch and A. Bentovim's 'Sexual Abuse of Children in the United Kingdom' (Child Abuse and Neglect, vol 7, 1983).  This had surprised the author of the book, and it also surprised me, but it made me feel that it wasn't so unusual as I had thought it was.

The book talks about people's experiences, and I really related to many of the examples given, and I felt less alone to read that other people have experienced things - and I felt angry towards my FOO for the fact that they weren't able to be the parents I would have liked them to be.

Normally I would read a book far too quickly, but this one I am pacing myself with, as it's too heavy to rush - and I don't want to dissociate - so I'm trying to slow down and process the information.   But I needed to get out and walk around and do more manual work to stop myself from thinking too much.

I've collected some coloured folders instead of envelopes for the Timeline exercise I am planning to do - and I will decide on what colour folder to have for each age range of my life - and then I can easily put any notes of memories in the right folder - as and when things surface.  I will be deciding on that tomorrow - so I'm making progress, and I feel good about that.

Hope 

[Hope66]

**Trigger warning
I have finished reading that book about Childhood Sexual Abuse by Penny Parks.  It is a great book, but I am left with a horrible migraine - feels as if my left eye-ball is being 'squeezed' literally.  I know I ended up reading it too quickly, but I felt as if I focused on the examples and 'took in' the information.  I know I need to do some of the letter writing exercises - and I admit that feels a bit scary - but I am hopeful at the same time.  Not sure when I'll be able to start that though, as I am very busy next week - maybe next weekend or maybe I'll try one evening.

Penny Parks used real people's case examples in her book, and I related to many of the things they said, but what gave me a sense of positivity is that she mentioned that regardless of someone's experiences, there were good outcomes to be had by doing the exercises she suggested and she seemed to think it could be possible without a therapist - although obviously having a good therapist alongside would be advisable.

I am going to try the exercises by myself, but hope to talk about my experiences in this forum, as a support - that's the plan. 

I need to try to get rid of this migraine now, so I'm going to keep things calm and lie-down for a bit.  Just wanted to write something here, while I was thinking about it.

Hope 

[Hope66]

I've tried the writing to the inner child exercise - I realise I tried it back in March, just one time, but somehow I'd blocked out all memory of doing that - and only realised when I was reading back some of this journal...! 

Potential trigger warning here - abandonment feelings...
Anyway, I wrote as an 'adult self' using my dominant hand, and replied as my 'little self' - and what happened later that same day was that I felt such a heavy and depressed feeling - literally a feeling of extreme abandonment that saturated my whole being - and I had to go to bed and sleep for a bit to 'get away' from the gravity of that feeling. 

I know that a couple of you had warned me that it would evoke some strong emotions, but I had no idea how powerful it could feel.

Anyway, I think that after experiencing that, and the time after that, I have felt 'a bit better' - more energised and happier than I was before.  Lighter again.  So I am going to keep exploring this.  Also, I feel as if I've awoken my inner child, and that she will hopefully talk to me again - I am feeling that this is a good thing to do.  But I am going to take it very slowly as I was shocked by the intensity of those feelings I had. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

I have got such a headache today - I don't know why - I wish it would go away. 

I haven't read any self-help books at all this week - I was a bit shocked at how emotional I found the 'letter writing' exercise I tried with my dominant and non-dominant hands - last weekend.  I was thinking of doing it again this weekend, but I avoided it in the end. 

I know I need to pace this - and I know I'm making some progress, but I feel like I'm not good at 'feeling' my emotions.

Anyway, I wanted to express that here - and tell this headache to 'go away' - and somehow my journal seemed the best place to say just that. 

I really value this forum and being able to come and read what people write.  I'm glad I can write things here as well - and it really helps.

Hope 

[Wife#2]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day. Those headaches can be awful. I do believe that they precede good things sometimes. I hope that is the case today.

Well done on not allowing IC to erase your thoughts. You are allowed to have all of them. Just as you are allowed all of your feelings. Sometimes, folks can get so used to stuffing down their feelings that they lose touch with how to even feel them. Unpacking them is messy and sometimes painful. Still, it's necessary work.

I've also been guilty of pushing too hard, too fast from time to time. Just know we are here, we are listening and we care what you're going through. As hard as it can be, and the more you are tempted to 'take the bitter medicine fast', pacing yourself may be more healing in the long run. And this is a marathon, not  a sprint. 

[Hope66]

Hi Wife2,
Thank you for your reply, and I agree that all our feelings are worthwhile, and that we should be allowed to express and 'feel' them all.  Yes, unpacking them can be messy and sometimes painful - but like you say, it's necessary work. 

It's good to know that people care in this forum, and I definitely want to pace things and not rush anything.

My headache has gone - I am relieved.   

Hope 

[Wife#2]

  I'm so glad one thing is better today. Maybe it's not too much to ask for two things to go better for you today as well! 

[Hope66]

Thanks again Wife2 - that day seems a long way away now. 

I have still been suffering from milder headaches for the past few days - not sure why - maybe it's the hot weather - and some storms affecting the atmosphere - could be why.  I must drink more water - maybe I'm dehydrated. 

Anyway, it's the weekend, and I am glad.  I struggled a bit more to get through that last week, but I made it and here I am - on the weekend, and can reflect back.

I think I need to re-focus on my 'self-help' stuff - I know I can't keep on reading books - there are only so many in the world, and I really think I've read many of them!  But I find it hard to process my feelings, well - I find it hard to allow myself to feel them. 

I've just thought of something I want to discuss in another part of the forum, so I'm going to go and do that.  This is good - I suddenly thought of it, and it's something I'd like to ask others about - so I will try to find a place to mention it that fits.