Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Potential Triggers here:

I just went round this forum, and wrote a couple of posts, and I am just back here in my Journal reflecting on the fact that it brought a LOT of emotion up doing that.  I wanted to describe the physical feeling of that emotion, as I've read Van der Kolk's book 'The Body Keeps the Score' (not sure if I've remembered that title correctly), but he talks about being aware of what the emotion 'feels' like and where it is expressed physically -  and it goes to my throat - i.e. I feel as if I'm being suffocated as if someone has their hands around my throat - and there's a wave of emotion as if I want to cry - the feeling of tears whell up, and I feel 'stifled'. 

When I was a small child I held lots of tension 'in' - i.e. my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth, and my throat was tight, I used to get pain in my neck, as if I held my body tightly and therefore any sudden movement could jerk me and hurt my neck. 

As an adult, I've learned to release that tension more - I don't clench my jaw anymore - I am grateful for that.  I can appear as if I'm incredibly 'laid-back' and 'relaxed' - but actually inside I don't necessarily feel the same - I can be swimming serenely as a swan, but have my feet paddling like mad underneath - if you know what I mean. 

Certain memories come to my mind, and I wonder whether to share them in the forum - and sometimes I feel brave to do so, and other times I feel as if they will make me feel too 'ashamed' - and then I realise my inner and or outer critics are stopping me from sharing them.  But I'm feeling braver as time goes on.  I think it really helps to get the memories or flashbacks 'out' and to have some kind of validation - or even just being able to 'speak' - it seems to really help.

There is a member of my FOO that I was never allowed to talk about, and that I kept a 'secret' my entire adult life - from most people, and therefore denied that person's existence, and yet, on the very few occasions when I tried to communicate about that person, I was unable to actually 'speak' - tears always accompanied any attempts on my part to speak - but someone explained to me that it is probably because there was 'internalised shame' relating to that person, and as no adult ever explained things to me, then all I could do is internalise the shame and secretiveness of the things that the adults weren't prepared to talk about.  I carried that within as a child, and it was a heavy thing to carry. 

I feel very emotional writing this, so maybe I'm going beyond my capacity to share - I think I need a break.  But I realise how emotive it is for me to even broach the subject of it. 

But you know, I'm glad I can write something about it - because that is progress - I think it's good.  Yes, I feel ok about it. 

But I'm going to take a break now, and do something relaxing. 

Hope 

[Blackbird]

 

[Wife#2]

Hope, that took such bravery. Give yourself a chance for some peace before continuing. Yes, just admitting that the shame is hiding below the surface, covering something for which you deserve no shame, but it's there all the same, is a HUGE accomplishment!

One thing I am learning here is that we must be kind to ourselves when we tap the really deep things. Yes, it can begin to get better, sometimes - usually. Still, it's scary because it's been covered so long, we aren't sure just how much is under there. So, be kind to yourself. You've acknowledged the cover. That's great. You have done a great thing for yourself.

[Hope66]

Thank you so much Blackbird and Wife2 - I really value your replies.   

[Hope66]

I am just writing today to say that I'll be away from the forum for about a month, maybe even two months - but I will be looking forward to getting back again, and re-connecting then.  I have things I need to focus on, and my circumstances are such that I know that I will have limited chance to pop in here - so I'd rather just wait till I can re-focus and return here properly. 

I'm not going to post this separately, as I am very bad with any form of 'goodbye' - I find it triggering in many ways, like Abandonment.  Hence, I'm just writing it here, and I just wanted to say that I will really look forward to being back and able to post here again in a few weeks time, and I will miss the forum in the meantime, but I am really happy to know that you'll be here when I am back and able to join in again.

Hope 

[Hope66]

So I'm back again, after a period 'away' - and it feels good to be here and re-connecting with this great forum.  I noticed a part of the forum called 'The Porch' yesterday, and although I didn't actually write anything in that section, I somehow felt 'part of it' by imagining I was sitting on that porch and re-connecting with some of the people I've recognised within the forum. 

I've purposefully avoided reading any 'self-help' books for a while, as I was getting a bit overly obsessed with them - and the distance and space has felt good.

I haven't made any progress on my 'time-line' - but I am intending to start putting down some memories in writing and use coloured folders to keep them in 'time-frames' - and I hope to start that next week. 

I can't afford therapy at the moment, and so I will stick to trying to gain support via this forum and also seek out further self-help books and resources, but hopefully without overwhelming myself.

My sleep has been better.  I am happy about that.

I've been comfort eating a bit though, and I've gained some weight.  I hope I can reverse that.  I'll see what I can do.  It's hard to turn to other things - when food seems to numb me, and give me 'comfort' - but then I feel bad for over-eating.

Glad to be back in the forum, and hope to pop in regularly again - as and when I feel up to it and when I feel the need to re-connect with supportive people in a supportive place.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Welcome back! We've held a spot for you on the porch

[Blueberry]

Hello Hope,  It's good to see you back! I'm glad your break from here and reading self-help books has been helpful for you.

The Porch is a great place, and it's magic so there's room for everybody. You can add your own elements of healing as you wish.
Blueberry

[Hope66]

Hello ThreeRoses and Blueberry,

It means a lot to have your lovely messages here - thank you!!!   

It's good to be back. 

Hope 

[Wife#2]

Welcome back, Hope! We've missed you and been thinking of you.

Please, join the healing porch when ever you want, however you want. You don't have to post over there, we'll enjoy feeling your kind presence there.

It's good to pace yourself and be patient with yourself when therapy is not in the budget. You are showing again what great insight and wisdom you have.

[Hope66]

Thanks so much Wife2, that means a lot - and I found The Porch to be such a magical and homely place - even though I just looked around in there, and read what people said, I felt like I was 'part of it' and it felt grounding, so thank you so much for setting it up - great idea and everyone who contributes there is fantastic.  I am sure there will be many more who 'pop by' and enjoy it too.

Hope 

[Lingurine]

Hope66, welcome back, so sorry to hear you have to do without therapy, hopefully you find comfort and support here.



Lingurine

[Hope66]

Lingurine, thank you so much.  I really appreciate you saying that.  :-)

[Hope66]

So, how am I feeling today?  I feel the need to write a few things down, but again, lack of clarity regarding exactly what I want to write, and indeed, lack of clarity about how I'm feeling.

Yesterday I managed to write some things down on my 'timeline' - which is an account of my childhood memories, and some descriptions of things that have come to mind.  I felt good about that, but realise that it's made me feel more emotional and triggered as a result.

But it was a start, and I am happy to have done that.

I feel like I'd like to open up more on the forum, and share more things - but I feel tentative about it at the moment.  I feel like I need to be 'brave' and 'go for it' - and I know that the forum is supportive and that it will help me to open up more.  So I hope to do so over time.  Taking tentative steps and trying to pace myself.

I am hoping that this week will be positive and that I can achieve some things.  Just writing that is helping me to 'look forward' - I've been used to ruminating and feeling 'stuck' in the past - and I know I want to work on the past, but that I also want to 'live' in the 'here and now' and make the most of my life and begin to develop more of a sense of 'self' and 'who I am' as a person. 

[Hope66]

Ok, so it's the weekend, and I have 'time' - nothing planned so time sits infront of me, and I want to focus on some things - but somehow I can't focus - I can't 'get on' with anything - I am procrastinating.  I keep making lists - trying to prioritise things, but then thinking that I don't know where to start.

I guess I feel a bit over-whelmed - I had a difficult day yesterday - I was trying to focus on working, but kept getting distracted by an issue that had upset me.  I'd also recently written things down in my 'timeline' and I suppose it's caused me to ruminate about some things again - but I was pleased that I decided to write about my feelings in a 'letter to FOO' which is in the other section of this forum.  It made me feel incredibly anxious to write that, and I felt the heat of what I can only describe as 'toxic shame' - which burned me and then various inner critics clamoured to be heard, and told me off for writing it - but thankfully as time passed, I felt better, and I was especially grateful to 'Clarity' who wrote and validated my writing with her reply. 

Anyway, I realise that part of my problem currently lies in not really 'focusing' on any one thing for 'sufficient' time to really process it. 

I've been reading self-help books, avidly, for recent years, and I'm only now beginning to 'write about' my feelings and thoughts and 'share' them - and I wish I'd started that process years ago - I feel sure it would have helped.

I'm writing this today, but again, feeling a lack of direction.  I need to 'plan' things - work things out, and go forward in a direction that makes sense.

I am sure I will get that purpose and intent - I just need to find it.

Hope