Hope66's Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear hope, i just love how you've been writing all this out, struggling thru the excuses, and finding your true feelings on the other side.  it is a shining light to me, because i see so much of who i was in it.  i was always looking for ways to make it ok for the other person while at the same time denying myself my truth.

i have to admit, i don't have the patience to do that much anymore.  since i've gotten in touch with my own awareness and anger about what i'm now aware of, i've stopped a lot of 'maybe so and so this or that' kind of stuff.   i can see your process and progress with this in what you've been writing, and i think it's beautiful to behold.

like your partner, just cutting thru all of it and saying what he said.  'don't' and 'she's trouble'.  my hub is able to do that, and i've always been a bit envious that i couldn't get to the nub of things like that.  but, i'm much closer to that now, and i can see you getting there as well.  yay.

sending a hug full of warmth and love and progress.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah yes, it can be really invalidating when someone doesn't see your issues as important. Especially when they're deeply burdening you. It can really be damaging with that inner critic you have there — extra pressure, extra worries and extra fear.

Take care when you're grieving. You need all the time and rest you can get. It might not be the best when you're hearing it from someone who makes similar mistakes, but I hope that with repetition, we'll all get there.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry - thank you so much for your reply - and I found your comment about having our 'own timetable' to be particularly helpful - just because there are seasonal holidays when people feel they 'ought to' or 'should do' certain things, doesn't mean we should do them, if it doesn't feel right.  We can make our own choices - and that's important too.  Thank you so much for all your comments, I found them so helpful. 

Hi 3 Roses - thank you for your validation - means a lot.   

Hi SanMagic - thank you for your reply, and I appreciated what you said - particularly regarding the speed that people can 'get to the nub of things' - my partner can do that, because he's not got the fog and stormy stuff to negotiate - he hasn't got the past treacle sticking to his thoughts and opinions - but I have - and it takes me a bit longer to extricate myself from that sticky stuff, but I'm getting to it gradually - bit by bit, and I think that's ok!  Thank you for your comments - I always appreciate them.

Decimal Rocket - it definitely does help to hear what you said - you speak from experience, and it is incredibly meaningful to me - thank you!  You made such a valuable point about taking time to 'grieve' - I do recognise that I am grieving for the 'ideal' relationship with my FOO - whereas the reality is that it wasn't what I'd hoped for - and it feels sad and distressing when I consider that, but I know I need to process those feelings - and that is what I am starting to do - it's an ongoing process.  But I feel I am making some progress, step by step.

Journal Entry for 14th December 2017
I am so grateful for all the amazing and validating replies - I'm feeling 'better' today - in myself.  Although I suspect I'm processing things at night-time more, as my partner told me I've been waking up as if in distress in the middle of the night (the past couple of nights) - yet, I don't have memories of that this time, which in a way is better than me being aware of it...! 

I'm hoping to be able to read around in the forum more later today - if I get the chance, because I want to connect and see what is happening in other people's lives on here - and I am aware I've been 'wrapped up in myself' and not really looking outside that.  I'd like to therefore spend some time reading in the forum, and catching up with other people's situations and experiences.  But the fact I've written that now, makes me feel as if I've added another thing on my 'To Do' list - and I"m already fighting that - interesting...! 

Let's just say, I'll see how I feel, and act accordingly.  Wow, having the inner critic constantly on board, is always interesting. 

I have got a long 'To Do' list - and I can feel it beckoning me - so whilst I'm feeling up to tackling something - I will do so.  I hope to pop back later and read around the forum though. 

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope,

Came by to visit. 

Andy

[Hope66]

Hi Andy,
Lovely that you came by to visit - you made me smile.     Thank you.   

Journal Entry for 15th December 2017

So far this morning I've done some things - accomplished a few things  - just by going slowly and carefully and taking my time - but somehow it's been easier to finish something, than trying to 'rush' - I've been 'in the moment' and it's been good.

So it's a good start to today.  I hope that I can keep this up over the weekend, because I have a lot of things I want to do - and need to finish, if possible - so I will keep going and just do 'what I can'.

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hope,

Mission successful! Made you smile! 

Andy 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Hope, can't say much. I got sick today.

But here are some reminders.

[Hope66]

Hi Andy, yes you definitely made me smile, and I am thankful that you popped by to do that.  You are a kind and lovely person.       to you.
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for those lovely big hugs  - I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sick today, and I hope you feel better soon.    to you.

Journal entry for 16th December 2017
I wrote a 'letter of recovery' last night, and felt a huge amount of emotion during the process of doing that, but began to dissociate towards the end.  I was thankful to Blueberry who came by and suggested that I do something 'grounding' - and I did try to do that, and it helped. 

I wanted to reflect on some of the thoughts and feelings and reactions I had after writing that letter - whilst they are fresh in my mind.  The weird thing was that somehow although I got in contact with 'some anger' and some 'upset' during the course of writing the letter, I ended up feeling some 'compassion' towards my F later, as if somehow I should be the one protecting him.  But then I thought to myself that is typical of how I've felt towards my parents my whole life - as if I need to 'protect' them and 'keep all the secrets' of the family - never tell them, never talk to others about it, and therefore when I do share any information - no matter what it is, then I feel bad for doing so, and I feel guilty, and then I feel like I'm 'not doing my job' in terms of 'protecting them' - so it's a bizarre thing - but that's how I feel.

I think it would be 'healthier' for me if I could get in touch with my emotions more - if I could 'feel' the sense of indignation, and repulsion that I know my partner feels about what's happened to me - he would stand up for me, and fight my corner if needed - but why can't I feel that sense of angst and anger on behalf of myself?  I come close to it sometimes, but many times it is like it is buried under a pile of extremely thick snow. 

I've just sat for a few minutes, and find I can't think of 'anything more to say' - it's like my mind has gone blank.  So I'll stop there for now. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

The weird thing was that somehow although I got in contact with 'some anger' and some 'upset' during the course of writing the letter, I ended up feeling some 'compassion' towards my F later, as if somehow I should be the one protecting him.  But then I thought to myself that is typical of how I've felt towards my parents my whole life - as if I need to 'protect' them and 'keep all the secrets' of the family - never tell them, never talk to others about it, and therefore when I do share any information - no matter what it is, then I feel bad for doing so, and I feel guilty, and then I feel like I'm 'not doing my job' in terms of 'protecting them' - so it's a bizarre thing - but that's how I feel.

At odd times, I feel a sort of detached compassion towards M which to me seems healthy. It's a bit like beginning to 'let go' But it is much different from the guilt I used to feel all the time when I spoke up about what she or others did to me, and still sometimes feel. Within this guilty feeling there is a "I feel sorry for her" (or for enF). Ts told me that that weakened me because I focussed on compassion for them, as I'd always been groomed to feel, rather than focussing on myself, including compassion for so many hurt ICs and Inner Teens.

I saw on another thread that your ICritic is getting active. Correlation?

but why can't I feel that sense of angst and anger on behalf of myself?  I come close to it sometimes, but many times it is like it is buried under a pile of extremely thick snow. 

IME 2 possible reasons: I'm not allowed to feel it. It's a FOO taboo.
Or: self-protection, because the amount of anger, indignation etc (not to mention the pain which is often hiding below that in my case) would bowl me over, and has done so in the past.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
It was incredibly helpful to me to read your reply - I read it last night, and I wanted to come back today and just tell you how helpful it was.  I think currently, that because I am only just beginning to write and vent about things - that the feelings I am having are such that any compassion I'm feeling - it's more of how I've been 'groomed to feel' rather than focussing on myself - like I'm 'not allowed' to focus on my own needs, and therefore if ever I cross that line, and point the finger in the direction that it should be pointed - then I feel a great sense of negativity come back at me, as if I've transgressed and broken a rule. 

The fact my Inner Critic awoke so ferociously last night, in reaction to what I'd written to my F in that 'letter' - it really shocked me at how strongly it 'beat me down' - and I was aware that it all co-incided with some other stuff that was going on - relating to my sister - it was an incredibly heavy load of stuff. 

I ended up watching a film last night in the end, and whilst I was aware I was dissociating frequently throughout it (which isn't an unusual occurrence for me) - but the film had some incredibly sad parts in it - it had themes of 'endings' 'death' and stuff like that - and I ended up unconsolably sobbing - crying - and just feeling incredibly raw.  But I think it was good, as those sobbing tears were cleansing at the same time, and it was good for me.  A venting of emotion, in a really strong way.

I slept ok - that was good.  I've woken today, and I feel calmer again.  My inner critic did shrink - as I used advice that Eyessoblue suggested to me in the other part of the forum - to talk back to my inner critic and argue with it a bit - I did that 'in my mind' at various points in the night - and it was effective to a degree, and I am thankful for that.  I'll use that again another time for definite.

I've made a decision now - that I'm NOT communicating anymore with my sister - I'm NOT sending her a Christmas card or any further communications - I am NC with her now, and the rest of my FOO.  I am standing by that decision. 

Thinking about what you also said, Blueberry, about FOO taboo.  I think you're right about that.  There were so many FOO Taboos put in place, and therefore to transgress that, it's like a forbidden thing - and 'NOT allowed' - but at the same time, I also relate to that other potential you wrote about - i.e. 'self-protection' - as I know that I try always to avoid getting into situations where I might be 'out of control' - incase I end up 'going too far' - i.e. I am truely scared at what might be unleashed if I 'allow' myself to 'let go' in some way.  Maybe if I unleash some anger and truely get in touch with it, then I might feel out of control and it would just be too scary.  Hence, maybe I bury my feelings deeply - as if they're under several feet of snow, as a protection. 

You have given me a lot to think about, and I thank you so much for that - as I really find it helpful to think about things in different ways, and hopefully a path through it all will be made apparent and the journey will be a positive one in the end.

My inner critic has abated somewhat, now it's the daytime again - and I feel calmer.  I'm glad I wrote that letter.  Thanks Blueberry, for your comments - they are really helpful to me. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i've also been a protector, mainly of my narc ex and his secrets that he's only told me.  i've posted about some of it on the forum, and it was a real strain to do so, like i was breaking confidentiality or betraying him by saying the truth.

saying the truth.  dang, so difficult to do that, yet it's what brings all that we've had to bury into the light.  and the light is what takes the neg. power away and helps us  realize our own personal power.  that's how it finally felt to me, anyway.  the truth about the others in our lives is what opens new doors for us to go thru in order to find the truth about ourselves.

hope, we've had to control everything about ourselves and what's around us for so long, no wonder it's scary to think about 'losing' control.  personally, i don't think of it as losing anything, but gaining your self.  those emotions have been there for so long.  yeah, they can be explosive sometimes (just ask some of the docs i've been with this year, finding out different stuff about what wasn't taken care of for me in mex.  whoo, boy!), but it felt good to just let 'er rip.

that's not to say that it's not good to go slowly with letting emotions out.  they can be overwhelming because they're so strong and there are so many of them.  my opinion - i think you're doing a very good job with writing then feeling a bit at a time, questioning what it might mean, all that you're doing.   it's different for all of us, and, as always, your space, your pace.

congrats on your decision about your sister.  i agree with you.  she won't/can't be changed, and you don't need your energy going in her direction anymore.  you've done all you could, and you're clean in this now.  you can let her go and move on to other things.   

[Hope66]

Dear SanMagic,
It means such a lot that you wrote what you did, and especially as I know how much pain you are going through yourself at the moment - please make sure that you're not stretching yourself too much here - I really hope that you are ok.

I read what you wrote yesterday, and wanted to digest it and think it through, and I felt so validated by everything you wrote - thank you.  I also held onto the last thing you said, about how I can let my sister go, and move on to other things.  It's like you've validated my decision, and I actually felt that I needed that - to hear someone say it was ok to do that - to move on, to make a decision for myself, and move on.  It's not been an easy decision to make, I've taken a lot of thought about it - but it feels like the right thing to do. 

I need to explore more what I think and how I feel about 'losing' control - I would love to gain my sense of 'self' - I still don't really know 'who I am' yet - because I've usually strived to fulfill my FOO's desires and wishes, rather than my own. 

Anyway SanMagic - you are a wonderful person, and I appreciate so much you coming in here and saying everything you've said - I know you were tired, in pain, and it must have been draining to come and say something to me like that - thank you - but please make sure you're ok.  I want you to have strength and to be ok - I want you to be pain-free - I wish that there was something we could all do to give you some respite from the pain.  Big hug to you, SanMagic.

Journal Entry for 18th December 2017

One of my partner's family tried to question me on the weekend about my FOO - it was 'subtle' but it was 'digging' to get answers, and I was proud of the fact that I managed to stay 'calm' and just said that I didn't want to talk about it - because it was too painful to do so, and because it was Christmas and it's a stressful time - and so I didn't want to talk about it.  My partner backed me up - but I was just glad that I was able to 'stay strong' and 'keep calm' and just say that.  I feel sure I'd have got upset in the past, might have been angry or even upset infront of the person, but I stayed 'calm'. 

What's helped is having this forum and all you people as my 'back-up' - so I can feel stronger in situations, and it helps me so much.

I believe that is what is helping - and I am grateful to have that support. 

The days are feeling a bit like being on a helter-skelter at the moment - not quite knowing what emotion or feeling is going to come along.  When I wrote my 'letter to F' the other day - I had drunk some alcohol, and I wonder if that made me less restrained and more 'open' than I normally would be.  I don't drink very often, again because I fear being 'out of control' - but having some alcohol enabled me to write what I wrote - but then my inner critic came and slapped me around a bit - metaphorically speaking - but it has lessened again, and so far, so good - this week is going reasonably ok.  At least so far.

I am relieved.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 19th December 2017

I woke a couple of times in the night, and felt as if I'd been 'abandoned' - in that the house felt cold and unwelcoming, and I had a flashback to how my FOO home felt when I was a small child.  The thing is that I am getting more in contact with my inner children - and I think that they are beginning to communicate more with me - and share more of their feelings and memories.  I am finding that this is happening more, now that I'm no longer 'searching' for memories - the process of just 'allowing them' to come as and when 'they want to' - seems to mean they are surfacing more. 

I think I would like to write more of them down - but I've not been doing that as yet - I had started to do that previously, but somehow drifted from it.

I have a day ahead of me which feels ok - I have written myself a list of tasks to get through, and there's a mixture on that list of some chores and some 'nicer things' - so it should be ok. 

I still haven't tackled re-connecting with my GP - and I do need to go and see my new GP about a health issue, but it's not a big thing - and because of that, I'm putting it off.  I think I have significant anxiety about re-engaging with the GP - the one I liked and knew has retired, and I have a new one - whom I've seen before, but when I last saw her I wasn't very well at all - and I just don't want to have to 'fill in' on what's happened for me in the meantime - but maybe it wouldn't be like that - afterall they only have a few minutes per patient - I feel pathetic that I don't feel brave enough to tackle that, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Still, I think I'll do it, when I need to go.  I hope so.  But for now, I'll put it off till next year.  It can wait.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Hope, I'm just glad you're giving yourself more of a break. From what I've seen of you, you really need one.

Still feeling a bit too weak to post something lengthy now, but take care, Hope.   

[Wife#2]

I've borrowed a blanket from the porch and brought it to you... The blanket of not-blaming-myself. If you feel strongly enough that you need a doctor, you will find the strength to go. If not, you won't. No blame in that. Either way! The blanket is warm, the love stitched in (love-of-self included) to the pattern sometimes glows!

Anyone would get annoyed at having to fill in a new doctor with details the retired doctor already knew. It's what I had hoped would be solved by the portable care act. That we would own our records and could just bring them to the next doctor and say, 'Here. This should answer most of it. I'll be in this corner while you read, in case you have questions.' I hope my naiveté made you smile just a bit :-)