Hope66's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you!  I appreciate your wishes, and I am up very early today - as my stressful things are mainly today and tomorrow!  But I am doing my best to face them 'head on' - and I am hoping to get through everything - I can remind myself that whatever happens, 'this too will pass' - I find that saying very helpful.  I felt worse yesterday, in terms of anxiety etc, and right now - I feel ok, so that's a good start...

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Journal Entry for 4th May 2018

I feel like I've got too much to do today - preparing for some stressful things I need to do today - but I am also hopeful that I'll cope.  I'll see how it goes.  Today and tomorrow will be the worst times, and hopefully things will be calmer by Sunday...    I don't want to write about the contents of the issues I'm facing - because in many ways, I think I will feel very small and trigger myself if I do - so that's why I'm glossing over the actual nature of the things.  They just 'feel' anxiety-provoking. 

What I do think though, is that if I get through this next couple of days - which I know I will - then I will be likely to have progressed quite a bit - I just think that will be the case.  I hope so.

Anyway, I'll get on with stuff now.  Need to focus...

Hope 

[Hope67]

Still 4th May 2018
This day has felt such a LONG one - but I am managing to cope - and it's surprised me that I've had more strength than I anticipated.  So I feel good about that.  I still have tomorrow to negotiate, but if it's like today, then I will get through it - and hopefully ok...  I am reluctant to write that, incase I jinx myself, but I've written it now.

I've been pacing myself, and I've been able to do some things that I had thought I would have had more difficulty doing.  I know I'm not mentioning what they are - but I'm keen not to trigger myself by writing the content.  So I feel like I'm writing in riddles a bit today.

But I really think that if tomorrow goes ok too - then I will feel like I've progressed a lot - and maybe it's a bit of a turning point, and then I can feel more confident again.

I also feel as if I'd like to start exploring my FOO issues a bit more again - as I'd avoided broaching some of those issues - letting them lie for a while - but essentially I know that I need to think a bit more about my feelings and my thoughts about some things that happened in my childhood and in my adult life too - and I'm going to hopefully process them, and then move on from them.  That's the plan, anyway...

I'd also like to lose some weight, so I'm hoping to try to do that.  Might start a diet of some sort.  Not sure what to do yet, but will try to cut down on my bad habits.  That will hopefully help. 

I am very tired - so will hope to sleep earlier tonight.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you know, hope, i'm very glad for you that you were able to decide what was ok for you to write and what wasn't.  well done!  hope you got some sleep, some rest, and some peace that you're doing what you need to do.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much.  You always validate me, and your replies mean a lot - thank you.

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Journal entry for 5th May 2018
My 2 anticipated stressful days - yesterday and today - I've coped better than I thought I would - and 'time did pass' and it's just past midday now, and I feel a sense of relief!  That feels good!!! 

That's all I want to say just now, because it feels good to be able to write that.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Oh no!  I've ended up bingeing this afternoon - eaten LOTS - far too much.  I thought I was doing ok, and feeling reasonably 'in control' and then it hit me that I was literally craving 'bad things to eat' - and I had those things available, and so I ate some, and then I ended up eating a lot more.  To think I was considering trying to lose some weight as well...  Not likely to be a good start to that really.

Then a friend has just phoned me up, and I admitted to her that I've over-eaten, and she offered for me to come round to see her tomorrow, if I want to - and I realise her kindness in making that offer to me, it's that she's a bit worried about me.  My partner is away at the moment, and I'm alone - which is unusual for me.  He is usually not far away, but right now he's a long way away.  He will phone me later as well - and I'm thinking that I won't tell him that I was struggling a bit.

I've been listening to music from the '80's over the weekend as well - which has made me feel some nostalgia kind of feelings for my younger days.  I had even been dancing around a bit - by myself, and had been feeling happier for a few moments, but it's also hit me about the estrangement from my FOO - and how sad it is that things worked out how they did - although I can't tolerate contact with them, I still grieve for the missed relationships. 

Maybe this is a good thing that I'm in touch with more of those emotions of grief - because it means I'm feeling more - but at the same time, I recognise my binge on food was a way of trying to block things out - and then of course I just feel bloated and uncomfortable - I used to do this a lot in my younger days - I'd stopped doing it in recent years - I don't want to get back into that habit again.

I also think that doing the fragmented wounded parts work - it's the way forward, but it's also a challenging route to take - because I do recognise some parts of myself that I had 'disowned' and sent into some kind of exile, outside of my consciousness, and they are coming into view now - and showing me snapshots of things and feelings that I recognise only too strongly - so they are not a surprise to me, but at the same time, I am shocked at how much I've been able to compartmentalise over the years.

As I write this, I am glad I'm able to get it out - write something down - I feel better for writing something here.  I feel better for knowing that someone will read it too - it feels comforting somehow knowing I'm not alone with this - I know that other people relate to these things - I wish we didn't have to - but it's comforting to know that.

My friend wants me to see her tomorrow if I need to - so I have that option, but I feel like I don't want to go round, as it would look like I wasn't coping.  I 'want to cope' - and I want to do it by myself really - but it's not weak to reach out to a friend, especially if she offers support in that way.  It means a lot to know she took the bother to phone me today, and check how I was.

It makes me feel very tearful thinking that someone has 'held me in mind' and is concerned about me, because I didn't feel 'kept in mind' or 'cared about' by my FOO - they had other stuff they were focusing on, and I was ok as long as I was quiet - and didn't get in the way.  That's how I feel.  Whenever someone acknowledges me and my feelings, I am amazed by that experience - it is as if I can't believe that they're actually thinking about me. 

It humbles me.

I wasn't going to eat a meal tonight, now that I've been bingeing, but my friend advised me to 'eat something later' - so I will do so.  But probably much later than normal. 

My head hurts right now - at the front of my temples - towards the left-hand-side.  I'm going to lie down for a while.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

Your journal entry today brought a lot of thoughts to my mind. First I want to say that it is good that you know you will feel better knowing that we will read your words and relate to what you write. I do. 

I guess I feel responsible for your uncomfortable feelings in that I recommended the book about fragmented parts. Please take time to accept and send compassion to all your parts. Even the ones who want to eat too much. Maybe if you read some of the book where Fisher writes about befriending them. Be kind to yourself.

What really struck me was your thoughts about going to see your friend or not. I have friends now. This is new to me. It is hard for me to remember that they like me and want to spend time with me. I thought for quite a while that I was simply their 'project' because they like to help people. In my past, I had never learned how healthy friendships develop and grow. So I can relate to your questions. My guess is that your friend will really enjoy spending some time with you.

[Hope67]

Hi WhoBuddy,
Thank you for writing what you wrote, it's really helped me - especially when you said about accepting and sending compassion to all my parts, including the ones who want to eat too much.  This has helped such a lot - because I can see that my over-eating relates back to a coping mechanism I did years back, and maybe I sent that 'part' into exile - and now that I'm opening my mind and heart to my wounded parts, the ones who overeat are also coming out - and expressing their needs - and my first reaction was disgust - because I don't want to be over-weight anymore, I'd like to be slimmer.  I don't want to slide back into old habits of bingeing.

But thinking about this more, and hearing what you said in your reply - it's helped a lot. 

Similarly what you said about friends - because my history has been one where my FOO ensured that my friendships were constantly disrupted and broken off, by so many geographical moves etc, and not allowing me to keep friendships, and I guess in the end, I continue the pattern of disruption, and whilst I do try to persevere with friendships these days, I also ensure that there is some 'distance' to protect myself, and so when a friend tries to get closer to me, I am not so keen to meet them on that. 

But - I think things can change, and I do value the friendships I have - so I am going to think quite a bit about these things, and hope to manage some healthier balance.

So thank you WhoBuddy - you have really helped me.  Also, I am incredibly grateful for the fact you introduced me to Janina's book on the Fragmented Parts - because it's the best book I've read - it is the key for me - I just recognise it's not easy to do this work - but I am going to persevere and keep working on it.  It's a journey of personal discovery that I feel will help me to enjoy the remainder of my life - and that's worth doing.  So thank you again.  I hope you're doing ok.

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Journal entry for 6th May 2018
I have been very much touched by WhoBuddy's reply - which made such a lot of sense to me, and has given me food for thought that doesn't involve over-eating, but I am at the same time going to try to connect with the parts of me that like to over-eat, and see if we can negotiate a different way of coping - as I really don't want to end up very over-weight.  I'd like to lose some weight. 

I ended up watching a film last night, and it was quite emotional, and I ended up crying quite a bit - but that felt good to do that, and I think that was what I needed, so that was good.  I do feel a bit better today - and actually a bit more hopeful - which I'm relieved about, because I didn't feel good at all at certain points yesterday - I was quite bleak and depressive in my thought patterns.

My partner will be back tomorrow, so I only have one more day to cope alone - maybe many people cope ok with being alone, but for me, it is challenging.  I think I do rely on him for quite a few things, and feel safer when he is around, and less safe when he is away.

I haven't decided yet whether to see my friend today or not.  The thing is that I only saw her a couple of days ago, and if I go and see her again today, I will feel as if I'm being a bit 'pathetic' - and I won't want to face that feeling.  Not sure if that makes sense, but it's the closest thing to understanding what my thoughts are about it.  But I appreciate the fact that she has offered me the option to pop round, if I want to.  She spoke out of genuine caring, and that was touching to my heart - I am lucky to have someone who cares about me as a friend.

So, here's to the day ahead, and I am hoping it will be ok. 

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Sometimes films can be healing in a way for me too. I empathize with certain characters and see myself in them. I feel compassion for them, and so I can feel compassion for myself too. I've heard of the idea that you have to put yourself in other's shoes to empathize with them, but I think I have to understand other's feelings to empathize with mine. Weird.

I'm glad you found a friend that cared for you. Sometimes it doesn't matter if they're smart enough to figure out a solution. Sometimes just being there with us makes it more of a breeze, huh?

[Hope67]

Hi D.R. - yes - I agree that films can be healing, and I'm glad to hear they serve that purpose for you too, and thanks for what you said about my friend.  Thank you also for the hug, and sending one back to you too 

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Writing again on 6th May 2018 - ****[potential Triggers - as mentioning CSA]***

I don't know why I hadn't connected the fact that the nature of my reading this past couple of days is the most likely reason for evoking the parts of me that wanted to over-eat and 'stuff the thoughts and feelings away in a numb and dissociated state of over-eating' - but I'm able to think more clearly at this moment - and the fact is that I read half of a book entitled "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context" by Steven N. Gold, and then, I have read quite a few chapters of a book called "Life With My Idiot Family: A True Story of Survival, Courage and Justice over Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Kathy & Gary Picard.   Thanks to Whobuddy for recommending the first book, and to Dee for recommending the second - they are both really good books.

I relate to both those books and the content - and it's resonated big time with me - and I think that's why I ended up over-eating so much. 

But I've not been quite so bad regarding food today - I've made sensible choices so far today - and I am glad about that - I really think that crying last night after watching the film I watched was cathartic and helped me get some grief and angst out - and now that I consider what WhoBuddy said about communicating with the parts who want to overeat - I feel less 'out of control' than I did before.  It makes sense. 

My partner is due back tomorrow - I can't wait to see him again - but at the same time, I feel that I've coped better than I anticipated that I would - I am phobic of 'Goodbyes' - they trigger me massively - and I know that's because many of my 'Goodbyes' as a child were literally that - I wouldn't see the people ever again - I wasn't allowed to keep contact, and it was like I was trapped in my life and my circumstances.

I realise I'm an adult now - I can choose who my friends are, I can choose how long the friendships last, and I am better able to tolerate some aspects of friendships - although I still fear getting too close - and I fear betrayal and abandonment.

Right at this moment, as I am writing this, I am feeling more optimism, and I like that feeling. 

I'm also looking forward to Blueberry getting back - I've missed her.  I also hope that everyone else is ok - I've been preoccupied with myself this past few days, but I still keep others in my mind, and wonder how they are.  I am stopping myself from listing them now...  There's part of me who wants to do that... But I feel it's an obsessive trait, and I'll leave it alone...

I will try to prepare a meal that will be sufficient and which will be better than what I ate yesterday and the day before. 

Hope 

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

It sounds as if you have done brilliantly well with coping with your partner being away. I am sure it will be great to have him back, however.

It seems that you are starting to get to grips with the huge issue of food and attachment and communicating with the part of you that needs to over eat.  That seems to make a lot of sense. It's sort of the same but opposite for me. I am trying to accept that I can actually enjoy food. I am doing better but the guilt and shame still niggles away.  I am somewhat overweight as well, but for now, I think I will put that aside. I really think that, as these issues are about so much more than actual weight,  they need to be looked at first.  Does make sense to you?

All the best,  and hugs to you,  Hope.

[Sceal]

Just wanted to drop by and say that you've handled this challenge really well!
Good job

[sanmagic7]

i think you did great, hope, on so many different levels.  you go, girl!

someone once talked to me about the whole 'accepting help from a friend' dynamic, which i've never forgotten.  it was the idea that we feel good when we help others, and allowing others to help us is us giving them the chance to feel good in that way as well.   it made sense to me, and has helped me not go so much into that 'i have to cope with this on my own or it's a sign of weakness'. 

that's what i had to do as a kid, cope on my own, so i basically grew up with that notion that it was the only way to show strength, even tho i never thought of others who'd ask me for help as weak.  never.  but i wasn't able to exchange places with them. 

i think being on this forum, asking for help, reaching out has helped me with that, with being vulnerable, which is not the same as being weak.  it gave me practice, and i'm better able to do that in the real world now, and am better able to tell who i can trust that vulnerability with.

it sounds like you have a good friend there.  i hope you can take advantage of it eventually without feeling bad  in some way.  we all need to use (not abuse) each other occasionally.  i think it's part of what we're here for.

love and hugs to you, hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby, Sceal & SanMagic,
It is lovely to read all your replies here, thank you for each of them - I appreciate it very much.  It was a challenging weekend for me, and I'm glad it's over now, and I'm happy that my partner is back safe and sound.  It's a relief!

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Journal Entry on 8th May 2018

Feeling relief to have my partner back, and also glad that I managed to cope reasonably ok over the weekend.  Not sure how I'm feeling today apart from that. 

Hope

[Hope67]

This week is proving to be unexpected in quite a few ways already - I can't believe the things that have come up today as things I've had to deal with unexpectedly!  Somehow I've coped - and somehow as I try to process my feelings about it - I find that I'm not actually feeling very much - maybe a sense of being 'calm' - which I guess is good.

I just hope it means I'm engaged with things, rather than dissociated from them.  I was talking to my partner today about how I am generally quite 'controlled' - but there are occasional times when I have literally 'gone off the rails' - and really surprised him.  I try not to let that happen, because I am never sure what I might do in that situation.  He hasn't minded the two times we can remember me doing that - because he said it was fun.  He liked the fact I was acting in a way he found to be quite exciting at the time - but he did also say that he wouldn't feel he could trust what might happen if I lost that control again - it's like the fact he knows more about me - as we've grown closer and I've confided in him about my issues, and now he is a bit scared that I might cross over into some kind of psychotic state - he hasn't said that, but I wonder if that's what he thinks...  I guess I should check that out - I don't think I would allow myself to do that, but of course - maybe I wouldn't be able to stop it.

But I do think that there is a protector part of me that looks out for me, and many other parts that are also protective too. 

I'm still trying to find a way to list my wounded and fragmented parts in a way that will make sense to me.  I try some 'mind-map' kind of diagrams, where I put myself in the centre and then put labels around it with descriptions of different aspects and of different emotions/thoughts/feelings - even memories of things that have happened.

I keep changing them around and adapting them.  I'm not happy with them yet, but it is developing and I am gaining more perspective/s

I am approaching p.30 of this Journal, and when I reach that, I will start a new one - and I want to consider what to call it.  I also want to think about an introduction to it, in terms of what I should write in it.  I hope I'm not making it too onerous a task, or too complicated that I'll not know how to start it.

Essentially it doesn't really matter what it's called - but I'd like to give it a name with some 'meaning' - so I may have a good think about it, before starting it.  I'll see how I feel.

I'm going to try to be 'in the moment' whilst watching a TV programme later, because I am not very good at 'being present' during most of those.  But I'm going to really try and see how I get on.

I have to stop writing now as I have to do some things.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Wow, Hope, there seems to be so much going on in your healing right now!  All that work you're doing on your own too. When you're not reading, you're doing mind map type work on your wounded and fragmented parts! I guess that type of thing might be a work-in-progress for a while.

I've gone off the rails a few times. People usually see me as very controlled too. Sometimes even 'too controlled' but I think that is times when I'm desperately trying to hold everything together. Going off the rails isn't fun for me, putting it mildly. When I once went off into something that looked like a psychotic state (it was a really bad re-traumatisation), there were warning signs in advance. I managed to get myself appropriate help before I lost track of time and place. Idk if everybody gets warning signs but can only hope so. A therapist told me that a really bad re-traumatisation can look like psychosis but isn't quite, so maybe that's why I got warning signs?

for doing so well on the weekend while your partner was away. I skim-read a bit, enough to know you were having a tough time.