Reconstructing Childhood

[2Spirits]

In the past years, I read a lot of psychological books, looking for... I didn't know it exactly, but I guess I was looking for a bokk that made me feel understood. Because I couldn't understand myself and I couldn't understand my feelings and actions. There are lots of good books, and each had parts of wisdom for me, but I never got a "big picture" that would make me feel understood. And I couldn't explain myself to my wife, either, at least not in a way that she would understand. That was very hard for both of us.

Then  -with a lot of tenacity - i came across "Out of the Storm", and with the keyword "CPTSD" i found quite a few resources. And finally, finally, i made sense to myself. It was and is such a relief, even though the self-prescribed diagnosis CPTSD is not a light one. So, yes, I can see myself from this angle and say "Yes! This makes sense. I make sense!". That's great, and i am really thankful to all the people out there on the internet, here in this forum and on youtube and on personal sites, that make information available and share personal stories. 

And then my line of thinking went like that: ok, I see that many of the symptoms described match my situation quite well: anxiety, shame, emotional flashbacks driving me into dissociation, lack of trust in myself and other people, having a hard time forming connections with other people, ...
So I guess there was a reason for this, propably in my childhood. Well, I don't remember being beaten or molested or worse, so that's not my story of how i became a cptsd adult. But what IS the reason? Do I need to know the reason or is it not important? "Just get on with your life". "Don't make such a fuss about your childhood". "Everybody has childhood wounds, you're not special". Those sentences I heard a lot, and I also told them myself sometimes. And no longer! Yes, I do want to know what happened, because i want to undo it. If i was always told "You're too sensitive", then i want to know the story behind it! So i can give myself now what i would have needed then - and only then i will check with myself if it is ok to go on, to let go, or if there is a need to go deeper into it.

Well, my mother died 10 years ago, so i cannot ask her questions. She would have tried to answer most of my questions, but while she was still alive i was to afraid and confused to ask the questions i have now. And with my father, he is always ready to blame me.

So what I am doing currently is kind of an interpolation: I'm finally strong enough to contradict my father. And then he rages and shouts at me, and tells me what a bad child i have always been and how my behaviour is not acceptable at all.
The strange thing is, though these encounters with him are not enjoyable, I am deeply relieved. I guess i was much too timid and small and introvert to confront him when i was a child, and I use his nowadays behaviour to make assumptions about my childhood and his behaviour towards me. And my guess is, that during my childhood, it was under the surface: i didn't have the moral strength and the emotional ability to really fight with him, so i just became less and less visible because i sensed clearly how ugly it would become if i risked an open word. And it really helps me, in a strange manner, to see him so harsh and hostile and blaming and invalidating: finally I get an idea of what i suffered as a child, finally I can tell myself: I didn't make it up. It was not only in my fantasy. I'm not overly sensitive, i'm just hurting...

Thank you for reading/listening.

[sanmagic7]

what a great place to be able to come to, 2spirits, that you didn't make it up, it wasn't all in your head, and you don't have to doubt your perceptions anymore.  i'm so glad for you!

now that you have all that in place, is it good for you to continue to subject yourself to that kind of behavior, those kinds of words?  you don't deserve to be abused by anyone, whether you can stand up for yourself or not.  are you trying to prove something to/for yourself?  getting into an argument for argument's sake?  is that a healthy situation for you, a healthy behavior?  it seems like a very negative environment to willingly place yourself into again and again.  just some questions and concerns that popped into my head.   i am glad, tho, that you were able to find some good out of it.  forward . . .

[Three Roses]

I'm starting to really, really hate the phase "get over it" and all its sister phrases - move on, you're too sensitive, etc. Do we say that to any other group of people who've been thru a specific form of wounding - miscarriage, cancer, death of family.... No! So then, why why why say it to survivors of childhood abuse and neglect!!!!

I'll tell you why - because they're uncomfortable thinking about it. Then think how we feel! We who went thru it and lived to tell the tale. Have some compassion, people! If you don't know what to say, say "I don't know what to say, that's horrible" but don't tell us to get over it. If it were that simple we would've done so LONG ago. Oh gosh get over it, why didn't I think of that??

Sorry for the rant. Hey, maybe I'm finally getting in touch with my anger! 

[sanmagic7]

maybe you are, 3 roses, maybe you are!

[MyselfOnline]

I find there are some memories which stand out has having an 'emotional charge', the meaning or significance of which is unclear. Sometimes the emotion overwhelms but there is no sense to these memories. Why have they stayed there, floating on top of the hazier details of life, but also quite hard to look at clearly? It's in this kind of memory that the nature of some of my own traumas has been revealed. I needed to talk about them with a counsellor.

Do you have anything like that? Events that stand out but you are not sure quite why?

[woodsgnome]

GJDavies asked: "Do you have anything like that? Events that stand out but you are not sure quite why?"

I have lots of those that whistle through the mind's cobwebs. But I'm feeling more at ease these days if I just notice and lay off the constant hunt for specific answers to it all. How will I ever find answers to something that was so senseless to begin with?

The 'why' search has led me to frazzle out; granted, I may still have the grief and anger but am learning to live with those easier than trying to figure it all out--I do know far more than I'd ever wanted to in the first place. In doing so my 'why' questions shift to finding options as I move forward, leaving the old movie script behind; it's still there, but receding further into the rear-view mirror. Meanwhile I'm working to accept the old 'bad' as my invitation to find my way forward.

[MyselfOnline]

I know what you mean, there has to come a time where we stop remembering and start to live with eyes forward (hopefully).

Just thinking about this idea of 'reconstructing', really. I know for quite a long time I blithely assumed nothing 'did me any harm' and I couldn't fathom why I was hurting. Something felt 'wrong' with me --- my fault, of course. But it was in those memories, which wouldn't quite explain themselves, that I first I began to unpick the threads and tell a different story --- one in which it wasn't OK that I'd been hurt and bottled it all up for years. Subtle things, on the whole, hidden between nicer memories.

It sounds as though you are able to infer a lot from how your dad is now. Do you have any residual wish to 'make him right' these days, a hope that if you say the right thing he'll finally understand?

[2Spirits]

Hi GJDavies,

that's an interesting description. Yes, there are quite a lot of memories and also current actions that have more meaning to me than I can explain properly to other people. The usual thing if i try to tell the actions and my reactions and feelings is "Aren't your feelings a bit disproportionate for the things that happened?" And I guess, either I cannot tell properly, or it triggers me, and so it really is disproportionate to the actual trigger and proportionate to the hurt i accumulated.

I find there are some memories which stand out has having an 'emotional charge', the meaning or significance of which is unclear. Sometimes the emotion overwhelms but there is no sense to these memories. [...]

Do you have anything like that? Events that stand out but you are not sure quite why?

Yes, it's really hard for me to try and make sense of this. And propably for this reason it helps me to draw conclusions from current arguments to early childhood. It helps me to ask questions, to formulate questions.

The last question I asked is "I don't feel any interest in talking with me. Why? For many years you didn't talk to me on the phone, for example". Of course the question is very direct and confrontative, but I didn't feel like beating around the bush. He told me he didn't want to talk to me and thus didn't, because at this time i lived in a homosexual partnership and he wanted to avoid any topic associated with this.

So I do get answers, and i try to draw conclusions. The conclusion i come up with is that he has not many ressources for dealing with anything that's not complete mainstream for him and his strategy is avoidance. I guess that even as a small child i got a lot of that avoidance because something or something else was too much for him. It explains to me why he feels like a stranger to me in one way - and why i desperately try to establish a good relationship with him. Well, with this kind of answers (even with a grain of salt) getting a good relationship might be much too much of a goal, getting clear boundaries is more realistic. But it's hard to let go of the urge to finally get SOME relationship with ihm.

[Wife#2]

2Spirits,

I had similar struggles with remembering anything that would qualify as 'abuse' or 'neglect' in my own life. I asked myself similar questions. I still struggle with the idea that what I now remember was 'enough'. But it is, the proof is in the way my life has been playing out. While I did struggle to remember, I began a journal here at OOTS. That journal had the purpose of trying to get back to those memories of childhood.

I will say that this community has been entirely supportive while I went through this process. Also, folks here have validated that it isn't the severity of the situation, it's the fact that you were shaped in a way that was not natural to you. Your psyche fought against it but to survive in that atmosphere, you stifled a lot of who you genuinely are. This is my opinion only, I am no professional. That does transform a difficult childhood into an abusive environment.

May I offer the suggestion of starting a journal? It really can be helpful to piece together the fragments and foggy memories into a coherent story of you.

I have also come to the realization that confronting parents (and I've done that a lot over my years) serves no good purpose. It doesn't make me feel better to upset them and I often don't get satisfactory answers anyway. I'm not saying that I've stopped completely, because I likely haven't. But, I do it less often. Now, that I've recovered quite a few of my memories, I may have more pointed questions. Now I may be able to ask the question and sound more like I'm fact-finding and less like I'm blaming them for anything.

I would be rich if I had a nickel for all the 'I did the best I could' comments. They're true, though. My parents did do the best they could. It wasn't what I needed in parents, but that side isn't really validated. I don't think it can be. That recognition is how I'm able to still have relationships with my parents - fortunately both still living. I agree with the comment about boundaries. Those help. Also, with them I don't discuss my childhood - unless I have a specific objective fact I'm trying to uncover. Anything subject will not be answered in a way that is helpful to me. Or to them.