OCD - honesty

[LaurelLeaves]

I didn't know much about OCD.  Now that I've read about it I realize I had pure OCD with regards to lying.  It makes me feel better to understand this feeling clinically.  Although it doesn't make it go away.

I once had a dream that told me it was ok to lie in some situations.  And I mostly keep quiet instead of telling the whole truth.   Which may make me seem normal... except I know the truth.  Outright lying gives me such anxiety... even a little white lie. 

Truth is, I don't want to be cured.     

[sanmagic7]

ya know, laurelleaves, you brought a smile to my face with your truth.  there was a time in my life when i was sick all the time, could barely move, kept sitting or laying around while my husband was doing everything for me, working 2 jobs, going to the store, and taking care of me.  for a bit, the truth was that i didn't want to be cured, either.  it was so nice not to have expectations put on me by others cuz i was so sick.  (others' expectations was a tough one for me as i didn't yet have my boundaries in place and wasn't very good at saying 'no').  but, being sick took care of all that for me - i didn't have to worry about it, didn't have to make those decisions, didn't have to do anything i was uncomfortable with.  i could've stayed sick like that the rest of my life and just let my husband take care of me and everything else - i didn't have to be responsible for anything.  aside from feeling physically crummy, it felt wonderful.

then, one day, as i was in my rocker, watching my husband doing something else that i would normally do, it struck me - i wasn't really being fair to this man who i loved and who was constantly showing me how much he loved me.  and, i decided i no longer wanted to be that person, taking advantage, not holding up my end of our relationship, or of any relationship, for that matter.  and that day, i decided to do what i needed to do to get well.  and i made some pretty good progress for awhile, but i felt like at last i was being responsible for myself.  and that felt good.

while it's true that i still get sick and have had a terrible year this year, i don't feel like i'm shirking my responsibility anymore.  for some reason, that's what your truth reminded me of.  i don't know if any of this has to do with you and your lying, it just came to my mind.   take care of you.  big hug.

[LaurelLeaves]

i don't know if any of this has to do with you and your lying, it just came to my mind.   

It does.  I've got to wonder If I'm harming anyone else by my honesty.  I do sometimes.  I don't truly understand why a lot of people don't like the cold hard truth.  For example, my mother might not recover from her wound, but no one says that... instead they keep talking about how to speed up her recovery.   She might recover... she might not.

[sanmagic7]

I don't truly understand why a lot of people don't like the cold hard truth.

when i think of all the distractions around - the gadgets people use to stay out of the reality of their environment, their relationships, their own selves, it makes sense to me that most people don't want to know the truth.  period.  they want entertainment, fantasy, role playing, etc., above all else. 

a friend of mine who drives a lot was excited when he got some satellite music thing (that's how out of it i am about these things!  lol!) for his car, and could listen to his favorite kind of music the entire time he was driving.   i'm a road-tripper myself, and i told him that i enjoy finding radio stations as i traveled across the country, each having their own flavor and types of music.  he asked me what i did when i got into those 'dead' zones where there was no music to listen to, and i told him that i just thought about things.  he got a horrified look on his face, as if thinking about self and life were the very worst, most terrible things one could do.

people don't want the truth, i believe, because it makes them think, make hard decisions, and have emotions, all of which they're attempting to avoid.  if lying makes you uncomfortable, either overtly or covertly lying by not saying what you know to be true, then maybe it's time to do something different.  there are ways to tell the truth without being overly harsh or brutal.  i had to learn that one the hard way - i was never very diplomatic! 

being honest is tough when so many people are avoiding anything that comes close to reality.  i wish you the best with this.  i have no doubt you'll find your way, the one that suits you best.