Challenging old behaviors

[lostinspace]

In the heat of the battle, we crumble. I've found that the most devastating mistakes happen when I am in a vulnerable position (a crisis) and then try to make a critical life choice. First of all try to avoid those positions where I am sinking in quicksand and trying to get married. Is that crazy or what? I cannot make good decisions while in crisis! Let alone major life choices. Sometimes just living a stable life is as good as it gets. Then, we can challenge 1 negative trait at a time. Looking back, my life has been a series of multiple crises. I only briefly get stable then go back to the chaos

[keepfighting]

In the heat of the battle, we crumble. I've found that the most devastating mistakes happen when I am in a vulnerable position (a crisis)
[..]I cannot make good decisions while in crisis!
[...] Sometimes just living a stable life is as good as it gets. Then, we can challenge 1 negative trait at a time. Looking back, my life has been a series of multiple crises. I only briefly get stable then go back to the chaos

I hear you - sounds like my life. Although it's not only life choices that tend to send my thoughts into chaos... 

Lately, my decision making skills have improved a little. To avoid the chaos, I have started asking myself one question: "Is this an important decision or is this an urgent decision?" (They both feel exactly the same to me so this helps me breathe, focus and think again....). In the chaos I was brought up in, I was never given the chance to learn to distinguish between the two so I'm doing it now.

Turns out, almost no decisions are both important and urgent and some decisions are neither. How come I never knew? 

Where does this idea about wanting to marry whenever in crisis come from? - That puzzles me a bit but I've probably missed something somewhere...

[voicelessagony2]

lostinspace, I'm curious about the marriage thing too, because it sounds like we might have a lot in common.

I met my current boyfriend when I was smack in the middle of a crisis to end all crises... fresh out of the hospital, I had checked myself in to avoid suicide. I was freshly divorced, papers finalized the month before. Freshly unemployed and just lost my house to foreclosure and had my car repossessed, then I met him and moved in after dating about a month. That's how I roll! LOL

But here we are, 3 years later, and I can honestly say, in my entire history of chaotic relationships, I have never had my own feelings of attraction last anywhere near this long, and I care deeply for him, and for whatever reason, he seems to still want me around.

*possible trigger to follow*

Our biggest challenge seems to be that he gets upset over the same type of stuff most people probably do: dog escapes from the yard, washing machine flooded the kitchen, you know, random unavoidable disasters... but he reacts immediately with what seems to me to be anger, and directs it at me, and indirectly blames me, and I become triggered and when I'm triggered I cannot articulate any self-expression whatsoever. I am stuck in flashback to being 3 years old, angry scolding mother, father abandoned to never return, etc. Then it escalates because he gets angry at me for not being able to speak, and it's a nightmare.

I learned about CPTSD barely a week ago, so needless to say I have not even begun therapy for it yet. I started reading Pete Walker's book, and that has already given me more hope than anything else so far.

[marycontrary]

Ditto for me. I know of that real well.

In fact, I actively minimize the odd of a crisis, so I won't be thrust into an impossible position of crisis decision making. And I avoid all people who do that (drama).

[lostinspace]

Many thanks for all your posts! My main concern now is staying stable, even if it means a routine that is safe from harm. I suppose I was attacked by PD people without even knowing it. That has thankfully changed. It got bad at the end, but I tore myself away. I haven't realized for a long while how dangerous some people are for me. The healthy people were always out of my league, but I've learned to hang with them more this past year.

[marycontrary]

Yay!!!!! Yes, good job!!!!! Keep doing more of the same!!!

[Trees]

"My main concern now is staying stable, even if it means a routine that is safe from harm."

Lostinspace, I really agree with you, just maintaining stability is a wonderful thing!    My moments of coping with life peacefully and competently give me enormous satisfaction.   Being safe and also feeling safe are important goals for me after a life filled with crises.

All the best to you as you build stability and safety.