When to tell someone you date you have c-ptsd?

[aquarius96]

hi I'm new on here
I grew up pretty isolated from other people and with a lot of abuse so never had the possibility to date or have much sex when I was younger. In my 20s there has been only one romantic relationship, which was not a healthy one. I have had sex in periods, also great sex, but mostly I avoid it. I am too scared of rejections/abandonment, and most of the time I don't have the energy to even try to meet someone, let alone have sex. (I am what Paul Walker calls a freeze type, and I have spent much of my adult life by hiding away). The sex I can do without, but no physical contact for sometimes years is painful.
I am now 30, and newly aware of my c-ptsd and how it has shaped my life in every way. I have come along way in the last year in terms of my personal development, but not so much in my relations to other people (still isolate/daydream instead of trying to meet people). I don't know if I will ever be able to go on many dates/have random sex due to the rejection trauma, but I would like to find and keep (healthy) partners/lovers. I am also getting ready to make a social comeback with all my new found knowledge about my own condition. My questions is: at what point in the dating process do you tell the other person that you have c-ptsd (and all the issues that come along with that)? Do you work it into the conversation on the first time meeting, or wait and slowly disclose it when you are already seeing the person? My gut feeling would always be to tell things right away, but I also have a history of self-sabotaging, so.... Anyway, just curious how others have handled this. If people had a dating profile did they write in on their profile, or tell the person before even meeting irl? and how did people react to you telling them about the c-ptsd? Thanks
(also: I am male and primarily (but not exclusively) attracted to other males, so would be interesting to also hear experiences from people who identify as bi/queer/gay/trans etc)

[Wife#2]

Hello, aquarius! First, welcome to Out Of The Storm!

I may be straight, but I think many of the dating rules are universal. I personally would hesitate disclosing too quickly as that kind of information in the wrong hands can become very painful. Especially since the alternative community is usually pretty well known to each other in many places. (In this town, my brother had to find his 'love' via the internet - he'd already met all the eligible locals and, well, like I said).

Try your best to not have a checklist in mind as you start dating. Some folks are very good at reading people and saying what the listener wants to hear. That can be devastating if you open up to a man who turns out to be a megaphone. Or worse, a Personality Disordered person. So, if I were back out there, I'd err on the side of caution. Keep the chatter light on the first few dates. Only if you get a sense that the person is a good one, invite him to meet your friends. If he hesitates to meet your friends or whomever you would be social with were you two to become an item, that would be a good indicator that he might not be the one to share with.

This is personal, intimate information. Especially since it tends to raise more questions than the diagnosis alone answers. I don't think everyone is equipped to even hear us, let alone bravely put their chin up and say, yes, I can take this on for a new relationship!  To me, let the early part of the relationship be about revealing who you are now. If he triggers you or if you just plain like him enough to open up, THEN deal with it. Just don't start THAT conversation with, 'We have to talk'. <tried to make you smile a little.

[Contessa]

Hello Aquarius!

Welcome to OOTS

I agree with Wife2. We are more than our diagnosis, so it shouldn't need to define us. Especially to our partners. Trust needs to be developed with them, not given over to them, particularly when we really have no idea who they are in the beginning.

I try to look at things in parallel, substitute one thing for another to view the possible impact. In this instance I would substitute c-ptsd for an illness/disorder/disability that I do not have. I would then view the scenarios that you came up with from the prospective partner's view. This way I can try and gauge possible thoughts, feelings, interpretations, developing scenarios... from their point of view (not that we are ever certain of what someone else is thinking, we can certainly try).

Apologies if that is trite, but hopefully that is something that may also be useful in addition to Wife2's advice, if it appeals to you.

[aquarius96]

thank you both of you for your replies
@wife#2 I think you are right that it is intimate information and that it could do a lot of harm in the wrong hands, especially someone you've just met. I think for me it leads back to a habit of self-sabotaging: better to say everything at once and get rejected than get rejected after 6 months, which obvs is something I need to unlearn. And yes, also use my knowledge to very carefully screen the other person to see if they are personality disordered or in other ways fit old patterns of abuse, before too much myself is shared.
@contessa yes I think that's a good way to put it - they have to win trust one card at a time, not just be given the whole deck on the first meeting. About substituting with another illness/disorder i think that from the perspective of someone wholesome they might even be impressed by the amount of work I (we) have done to understand the condition and to heal. Best aquarius