the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

i feel like i'm starting this from the ending and going backward.  that's how my recovery feels.  i'll be 70 next year, and most all i've learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd has begun within the past two years.  this hasn't been a pleasant journey, full of wonderful realizatons and major movements forward to health and healing.  instead, it's been a descent into disappearance with basically my smile remaining to the last.  just like the cheshire cat, my being and my essence are fading away.  the more i've come to know about what's happened to me, what's continued to happen to me, what's going on with me, the sicker i'm become physically.  my mind is full of knowledge while my body is crumbling into nothingness - all the result of layers and years of trauma, abuse, and chronic stress.  this is a cautionary tale - in my deepest soul, i want others to avoid what i'm going through if at all possible.

that's it for now.  this will be in bits and pieces, bactracks and forward movements, all higgledy-piggledy at times.  i will speak of sadness, profound sadness, mainly because there was so much more i wanted to do, but i'm losing the strength and energy to do it.  i will speak of anger, virulent anger at the thought that people took advantage of my good nature when i was loving and trusting toward everyone.  i will speak of not having access to my emotions for most of my life, of brain and body damage that have resulted from abuse.  i will just speak for as long and as often as i am able.  i feel so dramatic writing this, yet it has been the drama and madness that has been my life, that has brought me to this place. 

i have one more physical trip to make, and while i'm determined to make it, i'm terrified that i will be a blubbering mess the entire time.  i'm writing in the hope that i can avoid that.  it's too important to me.

[Three Roses]

I think you can do it! Maybe a visual would help you - like picturing taking your Inner Child to visit your daughter. That way it puts you in more of a helper role, which I think you're more comfortable with. Not sure if that's helpful, but I'm sending you good vibes.

[sanmagic7]

3 roses, you're right about being more comfy in a helper role.  that's very true.  i'm afraid i don't understand what you mean about taking my inner child to see my daughter.  i can't visualize how that would look or work, can't make a connection with it at all.  it brought tears to my eyes when i read it, so i know it hit a spot, but i can't comprehend the meaning of what you're suggesting.

by blubbering mess, i'm meaning that i will be so glad to see her finally in the pacific nw, which has been a dream of hers for 15 yrs.  i'm so happy she made it there.  this will also be the first amer. christmas i'll be involved in since i got to mex. 15 yrs. ago, and to celebrate it with her means the world to me (see, more tears just writing this).  i already told her that when she meets me at the bus not to get freaked cuz i'll be wearing a medical mask cuz i'm so afraid of getting physically ill now since i have no defenses left to even fight off a cold - within 3 days it begins going to my lungs, and that's happened 3 times in the past year, went to bronchitis and once on the verge of pneumonia.  have been on big antibiotics cuz the regular ones don't work anymore, and i'm now so afraid of all this. 

last night i went to a christmas party for my hub, could only stay 1/2 hr. cuz it was so overwhelming, and i left before the food was even served.  i used to be the life of these parties, even when they're speaking so rapidly in a language that i can't understand unless it's really slowly said.  i'm afraid that when i get to her place i won't be able to do anything w/ her without napping most of the day and just being a horrible house guest.   i never had these fears before - i'd just go do what i wanted to do and know that i'd deal with whatever comes up.  last night scared me.  i'm so much sicker now than i've ever been, but i'm determined to see her in the place of her dreams, even if it's the last time i see her.  that's where this fear and all the medical/physical stuff has led me.  my recovery has led me to this place.  i'm doing what i can, but the stress, trauma, everything around all that has damaged me to the point where i can feel that i'm on the edge. 

i've started some simple, beginner yoga moves - the pain is so bad there's nothing relaxing about them.  i'm now taking painkillers daily and xanax nearly that often just to soothe the pain and the tension that my body continues to hold.  with those meds, i can do a little yoga stretching, but it isn't relaxing, it's more like a chore.  van der kolk's book is waiting for me at my daughter's - it's my last shot.  otherwise, i'll just rest, relax, sleep as much as possible in the hopes that my adrenals and my system don't get any worse.  his best and only real friend just died last week, and i'm all my hub has now as far as someone he can trust.  (he is known by everyone in this town, and by association, so am i, so it's not like he doesn't have friends.  just no one he can talk with, have his private jokes with.)  my hub asked what could be done to eliminate stress for me, but i told him that stress is part of life.  i just have no defenses against life anymore.  i'm fading.

which is why i said at the beginning, i feel like this will be a journal going backwards, what i've learned along the way, what this has all done for and to me.  i'm standing with my back to the trunk of a great tree, looking out over the field of flowers that had been my life.  in spite of the madness, anyone who asks, i'd tell them i had a great life - road trips, meeting people, learning languages and cultures, adventures, experiences, dreams realized.  it's been great fun, loads of laughs.  lots of friends, activities, parties, experimentation.  broke rules, broke laws, and bent even more.  free spirit, a bit of a wild child.  i'm not sorry for all that, don't regret it one bit.  i didn't expect this.  maybe i can look at it as one more adventure.  never had this one before.  close, but never quite like this.  we'll see what happens.

[sanmagic7]

the first flower i'm looking at is all about bodywork to release toxic emotions/feelings that i've stored in my body from forever, i think.  trained not to allow myself to feel what i feel, i went through life rather 'floaty' is the only way i can describe it.  people called it sm's world that i'd wander through, unaware much of the time of what might be going on around me, what it might mean, how i felt about anything, and definitely never feeling grounded.  so, after all these years, i decided to go after all the crapola that has been stored in my body, causing me numerous physical ailments and constant pain.

there was a time, probably in my mid-30's, when i could get an all-over massage and come away feeling so loose and relaxed, like i was one big noodle.  it felt so good, and it happened several times.  then the effects of my adult trauma and chronic stress began making themselves known.  eventually, i could barely be touched without a whole lot of pain.  even the leg massage during a pedicure hurt so badly, i would burst into sobs.  this was quite unsettling - here i was, doing something good for myself, but the results were terrible.

when i moved to mexico, i tried a few massage therapists here, but i ended up so distraught that one time i had to be driven home.  the experience caused me to not be able to walk very well, and i could barely move my head.  this phenomenon had happened several times before this, usually after a series of very stressful events.  i had 4 breakdowns like this before i moved here, having to miss a week of work with each one.  i didn't know what was going on. 

after this happened again here in mexico, i looked for a healer, someone who had a different  approach to body wellness.  i found one, a man who advocated leg massage.  i visited him 10 times, each time i let loose a torrent of tears from the pain.  it was gentle rubbing, all done below the knees.  for some reason i knew this release of tears was important, but i didn't know why, only that it was something i needed to do, which is why i kept coming back.

10 times was enough, and, again, i had a difficult time moving.  i began thinking about all this and decided that my body was holding a lot of poison.  when i'd visit the states, i'd take my daughter for a massage.  i hadn't given up - i knew they were good for circulation, but the results were always the same.  i was in tears for most of the session.  eventually things got worse, and i couldn't even make it for an hour anymore.  sometimes within 15 min., i'd had enough.  i felt worse after the massage than before, curled into a fetal position and resting like that until i could sit myself up in order to get off the table.

i noticed after a few of these that i would feel a rush of emotion when  touched in certain places, and the bells of awareness began to ring.   i'd feel the emotion violently, but now my tears had a focus.  i'm talking about 20 yrs. before this happened.  i found a massage therapist here in mex. who did pressure point work.  the first few times she worked on me, it was the same results - terrible pain, difficulty getting up, and several days before i could walk normally.  sessions didn't last more than 20 minutes.  somewhere inside me (trust your gut!) i knew this was what i needed to be doing, so i kept it up, even tho i knew it would be horribly painful each time, and eventually, i was able to tolerate a full-body massage for the first time in all those years.  this was without the pressure points, however - simply a massage to relax.  i felt that it was a triumph.  she had done a bit of pressure points twice a week, and a lot of emotion was being released, a lot of tissues being used.

about two months ago, i felt i was ready to tackle this beast as much as possible, and told her to go for it.  i'd been feeling pretty strong, had been doing some walking and weight-lifting, and just feeling pretty good about everything.  i thought i was ready.  this night, as she hit spot after spot after spot i was nearly screaming in agony until the end when i felt myself regress to about 14 yrs. old and an incident w/ my parents where i was in a lot of emotional pain and neither put out a hand or kind word.  i started calling my hub through my sobs, he kept saying 'i'm here' from the other room, but i wanted him with me, i wanted to be embraced, a little girl in terrible pain and distress.  being on crutches, it took him quite a bit of time to get to me, and then he didn't really know what to do.  he didn't know to gather me in, hold me, soothe me.  the massage lady was standing there, he wanted to pay her, i just wanted him to be with me, she just stood there, waiting.  finally he said he was going to take care of her, and i began screaming 'i don't care about her - i need you'.  he paid her, left me sobbing, not knowing what to do. 

it was one of the most horrible experiences of my recent life.  it took me two weeks to get my legs back.  i couldn't drive, go to the store, nothing.  after all the progress i'd made, believing that this was going to move me forward even more, i was blindsided.  since then i've discovered i have alexithymia and adrenal fatigue.  i believe i completely depleted my defenses.  about a month later, i caught a cold, and within 3 days i went to the doc, he said it had already begun moving into my lungs.  i don't have enough left in my system to even ward off a cold.  the last time this happened was after a 3-wk. trip, and i got bronchitis.

so, that's my first flower in the field i'm looking back on.  i feel more sick now even than when i ran for my life to mexico to heal.  the simplest yoga  does not feel good.  i can still run a finger down my arm and feel pain.  it's a sturdy tree.

[sanmagic7]

as i gave myself time away from this post, i wondered what the point of it was, or what i'd learned from it.  well, i think the biggest thing i've learned is that this is a fierce-y, loathsome beast, and not one to be underestimated, which i believe i did.  i didn't realize how much toxic everything could be stored in my body, thought i'd gotten rid of enough of it to go for the rest of the enchilada, when all i did was open the floodgates to hurting myself even more.

looking back over the years, i was quite healthy into my 30's.  that's when i could walk 5 mi. and was at the gym, lifting free weights 6 days/week.  my body was toned and i felt young and strong.  during my 40's was when the stress-related problems began.  it started with IBS and difficulty sleeping.  the madness had begun by the time i was 35, and it took about 7 yrs. for it to begin showing it's ugly face physically.  i injured myself and had to stop lifting, which broke my heart.  i'm sure i was angry about it as well, but i wasn't in touch with emotions at the time, so i must've swallowed that anger, like all the rest of them.  the breakdowns began in my 40's, my latest being in jan. of this year.  i began therapy at 38, and i believe she was a narc - she had no morals, ethics, or boundaries when it came to me.  being a newly recovering alcoholic/addict, i was extremely vulnerable, believed everything she said, and did everything she told me to do.  even when things didn't feel right, i never said anything - more swallowing -  because she had me in a web that included not only being her client, but her best friend and employee as well.

my first cues that something was wrong, when i look way back, was that at 16 i was already thinking about how big a splash it would make while i was walking home from school and a car would hit and kill me, how important that kind of thing would make me seem.  and, while i was living at my parents' house, i bit my nails down to the quick.  i didn't think anything of it then, until i went away to college.  suddenly, the anxiety/nail-biting disappeared, and my nails grew out, and they were beautiful.   i've never bitten my nails again.   the body tells the story, indeed!

so, i had been holding everything inside me since i was very young.  this last 'exorcism' that i'd attempted was way too much for over 60 yrs. of toxins built up and in my being.   during the years of the madness, there was so much coming at me from so many different directions that i just didn't realize the extent of the damage, even when my body began breaking down.  i realize it now.  i hope anyone who reads this realizes it way sooner than i.  these warning signs - physical problems, depression, anxiety - are all ways that our bodies and brains are telling us that we've already become overloaded.  we are toxic and are being harmed.  we are in danger.

a thought that came to me last night was the saying in addiction work that addiction is the disease that tells you there's nothing wrong with you, that everything's wrong with everyone else.   now that i see c-ptsd with new eyes, i believe it is the condition that tells you everything is wrong with you and nothing is wrong with everyone else.  addicts believe their behaviors and ways of thinking are right/correct, and everyone else has it wrong.  c-ptsd'ers believe the fault is all within themselves, that they are all wrong and everyone else is correct.  wow - now that i can see these 2 from both sides, i can see that all the thinking and belief systems are faulty.  in the midst of the c-ptsd beast - the fearsome jabborwock - we have assimilated everything incorrectly because we were given faulty information to begin with at a very young age, and our child's minds incorporated it as if it were truth.  well, why not?  we didn't know better, didn't know how to separate truth from fiction.  we were learning, sponges that soaked everything up, even as its acid was beginning to destroy us at every chance.

bodywork, i believe, is important in order to begin releasing that acid.  it can be difficult, painful, and take awhile, but the sooner it's begun, the better the results.  the more we release, the less our bodies have to attempt to incorporate and adapt to its presence.  i don't regret what i've done and how i've done it.  i've just learned that, like everything else, pacing is important.  the more years that this stuff has had a chance to wreak havoc with one's body, the more patience is needed to go slowly, take one's time in its release.  too much too soon can also be harmful.  i am still recovering, but today i have hope. 

[sanmagic7]

as i look a bit further back, behind the bodywork escapade that left me nearly broken (but only because i believed i could 'handle' (i've learned to hate that word) more than i actually could, the next thing that comes into my vision is the alexithymia flower.  i'd discovered it while posting here, wondering why i had such delayed reactions to an incident.  someone suggested alexithymia, i looked it up, took the diagnostic self-test, and yep, there it was, in black and white - i was nearly completely out of touch with my emotions!  i wasn't aware of them, didn't know how to emotionally react to most situations, couldn't describe how i was feeling - i view it now as being emotionally deaf, dumb, and blind (no offense meant if i said that wrong).  literally could not hear what my body was telling me when it had an emotional reaction, couldn't speak about my emotions because i wasn't understanding the concept of most of them (i did know sadness, felt sad most all the time at whatever happened), and couldn't see what was going on either with myself or others emotionally.  all those floaty years were because i was bereft of emotions - there was nothing grounding me to reality. 

here was a big shock, but it answered a lot of questions.  as an emdr therapist, i belong to an online support community, and talked about it there (2 therapists had brought up stories of their clients being either afraid of their emotions, especially anger, or not feeling anything when asked how a memory felt).  being without a therapist who knew anything about trauma, i figured i would have to tackle this myself, and put out a plea.  one therapist answered, gave me some exercises to do.  when i told him i was afraid my brain was broken ('afraid' was just a figure of speech then.  i didn't really feel afraid, just realistically concerned) he told me he didn't think it was broken, but maybe needed to be re-wired.  that was a rather new concept for me, and i set to work.

the exercises were exhausting, and when i mentioned this to him, he told me that re-wiring is more difficult to do than the original wiring, which goes on at a young age.  several things happened at once during this time.  i went to my therapist for the first time in 4 mos. (the heat here is unbearable to me during the summer, and even the a/c at her place didn't help.  i had had to quit seeing her in june because i was struck w/ heat exhaustion sitting in her office for a half hour, told her i'd be back when it cools down).   that didn't happen till oct.

i talked to her about the alexithymia, explained it to her, and gave her an info sheet (all in spanish - she didn't speak english) and told her the only positive feeling i had was with hugs.  since i had been seeing her at the end of jan., when i had that major ef that lasted 8 months, i always wanted to end the session with a hug.  when i had my own clients, i did that regularly (more body work, so to speak - hugs release endorphins in the brain, i believe, and make someone feel good.  skin touching skin, such as cheek to cheek, increases the health of that organ.  i used to call hugs 'skin health').  she was never comfortable w/ hugs, always said it was her culture, but i heard a lot of that since i've been here, and much of it just doesn't ring true for me.  yes, there are cultural differences, but i explained to her that the hugging thing is something that goes beyond cultures and is good for every person.  she used to say that she'd give me a hug because i was the client and it was what i wanted.  i always thought hugs were a lovely, caring way to close a session, even in my own practice.

so, oct., alexithymia and hugs.  we discussed this at length, me telling her how they were the one thing that i could 'feel' in a good way.  (touch is a biggie for me.  often, i would go to a fabric store to relax just by spending an hour touching various fabrics, or to the library, feeling the bindings and pages.  sex, when i got honest about it, was about being touched, rather than feeling pleasure at the act itself.)  she began explaining that she wasn't taught to do that as a therapist, brought up the culture again, i told her that my hub was from her culture but he learned the value of hugs in his recovery groups, so i knew that mexican people did it and enjoyed it.  this conversation went on for about 20 min., then she said she'd read the info i brought her and devise some techniques for me to do.  i was basically dismissed.  i stood up and put out my arms for a hug, and she said, no, i'm not going to do that anymore. 

i was floored!  i couldn't believe that during that entire conversation she'd wait till the end to tell me 'no'.  i walked out w/o saying anything, got to my car and got pissed!  i was banging on the dash, yelling, swearing, couldn't firckin' believe it!  i got home, told my hub, he thought it was wrong also, and i decided to call her, tell her i was mad.  i told him that she'd either say 'ok, i'm glad you got mad, you found an emotion, that's good', or she'd say 'why?'.  if the latter, i would fire her.  yep, she ended up being toast.  when i spoke to my mentor about it, he said i took back my power, and it was a good thing.  the next week she called my husband (he had been seeing her for communication issues) and told him that it was probably a good thing she and i weren't seeing each other because of the language barrier, and then went on to tell him all that she'd told me in our session.  well, there's a breach of confidentiality if i ever saw one - she shouldn't have called him in the first place about anything that had to do with me!  he tried to excuse her (i've stopped excusing people like this) by saying she felt more comfy talking to him in spansih, and i said, no, she broke confidentiality, no matter what language it was in.  so, another therapist down the drain.

i had done 3 exercises so far for the re-wiring, and had gotten in touch with my fear,  ( the anger was beginning to make itself known sooner than before) both the feeling and the body sensation that went with it (tightening in my chest), when the exorcism happened.  these 3 types of situations, i believe, worked together to deplete me of whatever defenses i had left.  this was my second therapist here in our little town with whom i'd had to split (the first, a psychologist simply bailed on me one day, never gave a reason, just never showed up again!).  it's unsettling, to say the least.  i can see being angry at the psycho now, but at the time i wasn't in touch.  it's too bad, cuz i saw him at the gym after that, and i could have told him off, and it would have felt good.

because of all this, i've had to put the re-wiring on hold for the nonce (love that word!).  i do have access to fear now, so that's a good thing, i guess.  i've gone so long, done so much, accomplished so many things that i might not have if i'd realized what others realize, and have been afraid about it.  so, in one way, the alexithymia allowed me to do and go places i might never have done or gone, and for that i'm grateful.  i'm hoping that when my adrenals become stronger, i will be able to continue the re-wiring act and become fully human.  that's kind of what it feels like, like i'm kind of robotic.  without those feelings, i didn't understand why fear stopped anyone from doing anything, couldn't have empathy for them, and took quite the arrogant and non-compassionate stance.  my first therapist even told me i had no compassion.  no one ever bothered to find out why. 

so, therapists come, therapists go - i've had my share of incompetents.  maybe that's why i became one myself - i was fascinated with the 'why' of human behavior.  learning about myself has taught me more than 25 + yrs. at this job has ever come close to.  i want to thank the kind person (can't remember which one of you sent me that link - sorry.  i know it's under my posting of 'delayed realizations') who let me know about alexithymia.   i'm forever grateful.  i'd spent so much of my life either feeling out of emotional reality or completely confused.  i've now read that alexithymia shows several different portions of the brain that are under-activated by emotional stimuli, while the cognitive portion of the brain become over-activated.  yeah, i can relate.  i spent a lot of time thinking about how i'm supposed to feel, looking to others for cues and clues as to appropriate emotions and feelings for any given situation.  it was like the caterpillar said to alice 'who are you?'.  i really didn't know.  that human, emotional part of me had gotten wired incorrectly, most likely from messages from my dad before i was two.  my brain has been damaged because of it.  that's a chilling thought, but the idea that it can be re-wired gives me hope.  if only i can get well enough to pursue that option before i go up in smoke. 

[sanmagic7]

burrs.  we used to call them prickers or hitchhikers when we were kids.  if they hit your bare skin, they scratched you.  if your got enough scratches, blood was drawn.  otherwise they stuck to your clothes - shoes, socks, shorts, shirts, even your hair - and were really difficult to get off.  if they got stuck in the wrong place, they kept scratching, kept hurting you.  they made tangled messes of your hair.   it also hurt to pull them off with your fingers - their prickers were so awfully sharp.

looking back, still during this year, i remembered two burrs that i had to unstick from myself in the past 4 months.  one was a man with whom i'd been in love back in college, like, 50 yrs. ago.  he found me out of the blue.  i'd broken his heart back then, and was so happy to hear from him so that i could apologize.  it was a bad time for me - in the middle of this huge ef, my hub and i having problems communicating and getting along - and the resurgence of this man seemed to be just what the doctor ordered.  a little fun, a little flirty, a little love that lasted over 5 decades - it all made for a real feel-good distraction from what was going on in my real life.  he's married, so am i, we both got permission from spouses to correspond, but the affection meter ramped from o to 100 inside a very short time.  we were both very excited to be talking to each other, but it turned out that his wife suddenly didn't like that there were daily good mornings and sleep wells every night.  he also began being very critical and judgmental of me and how i've lived my life.  then he began hiding the calls from his wife, baiting her by buying me little gifts while he was with her, and telling me how mad she was getting.  ok, so i stayed at the party too long, but i realized that, while i stood up for myself and questioned about his wife being upset, he continually brushed it all off, no apologies anywhere.  this time, it only took me 2 months, but i recognized him as a burr and had to get rid of him.  i was abrupt about it because i had to pull him off me as quickly as i could.  i didn't trust myself not to let him keep riding along, being nasty to both me and his wife.  so i plucked him out of my hair, and it hurt, but i realized this was another misogynist i'd let into my life.  i'd actually had 2 clues back when we were dating all those years ago, and i was hoping that my gut was wrong about him.  it wasn't.  but it still hurt, and i still want to tell him why i did what i did, but i know i'd only be picking that burr up again and scratching myself with it.  better left alone.

the other burr was my longtime friend, about whom i wrote.  a 20-yr. friendship.  she actually represented a lot of burrs that i'd let stick to me for all these years.  her final email, the DARVO, was what sold me on having to get rid of her altogether.  so difficult.  after just finding out about my adrenals and how i'm to avoid stress as much as possible, while this was a good thing for my life to pick her burrs off me, it was also stressful as all get out.  still, it had to be done.  to not do so would only invite more stress, the anticipation of stress, and really never being able to trust her again.  i think that last one is the clincher.  i can't be in a relationship where i can't trust a person to be kind to me even if i'm in an imperfect place.  so, burr picking - so many of them collected in 20 yrs.  again, i don't want to go near her or i'll have them all over me in a minute.  i don't need that, can't have that if i'm wanting to heal myself.

my field of flowers looks great from afar, but once getting into the smallest of places, the weeds begin showing.  what i thought were red roses turned out to be too many that were only painted that way to fool me.  i was fooled for a long time.  i trusted everyone all my life, never thinking for a moment that they didn't have my best interests at heart, as i usually had theirs.  it's been a brutal wake-up call to discover the reality of the wonderland i'd lived in within my mind.   but i'm still here, today with my head more firmly on my shoulders than it's been for a long, long time.

[sanmagic7]

so far, i've been writing about awarenesses, realizations, and what i've been doing in the latter 6 mos. of this year.  i haven't talked about adrenal fatigue, the knowledge now of how fragile my immune system is, and the fear i'm feeling about what all that means for me.  but, i'm leaving tomorrow for my 30-hr. bus ride to visit my daughter, complete w/ medical mask firmly in place, which should, in itself, help keep people away from me who might be sick so i don't catch anything my body can't fight anymore.  i even emailed my daughter about this cuz i didn't want to freak her out.  the idea that i am so low as to have to take these precautionary measures does not fill my heart with glee.  still, it must be done.  at this end of my flower field, i'm glad my big oak tree is solid and sturdy enough to lean against.  perhaps for this trip, i'll sit on the grass at its feet, get as comfortable as possible.  and, away!

[sanmagic7]

well, couldn't sleep so i thought i'd put the rest of this past 6 months to bed if nothing else.  i swear, this year has seemed like whack-a-mole - one thing seemed to be taken care of, another popped up.  it's been difficult to keep up with it at times, and this is supposedly recovery.  it's felt like the biggest battle of my life this year - i have not had a more difficult year that i can remember, even in the midst of the madness.

at any rate,  the last 6 weeks i've been hitting the doc and lab circuit pretty hard trying to find out why, exactly, i'm so sick when it seemed like i was getting better for awhile.  i've had a suspicion about adrenal fatigue for quite awhile, but, once again, like c-ptsd and alexithymia, and even lyme's disease (which i've also tackled in the past few years) aren't strongly supported by mainstream medicine.  i did finally find a professional article that did a meta-analysis of the brain composition for those with alexithymia, which has helped me understand just why this whole emotional thing is so difficult for me.  but, about 6 weeks ago, the family doc started looking into this fungal infection, why i've had it for so long and why it hasn't been eradicated.  i mean, i've had an infection raging through my body for years - it's even a certain kind that is prevalent in the sw u.s. and northern mexico.  i'd never had a problem with this stuff in my life, but by the time i got here i suspected my immune system was already compromised.  early on i got ringworm from a kitty we were going to adopt, but that was taken care of.  this other stuff, tho, once it showed up, it's just made itself right at home in my body. 

so, the docs and i went on a fishing expedition when i got sick again, i suggested adrenal fatigue to him, he said he doubted it -why the * don't they listen?  i've been reading about this for years, more and more info comes out all the time.  i finally printed out all the symptoms i have, he said they're the same for thyroid problems.   off to the lab, again.  first time was for general blood and urine - nothing really wrong.  sugar levels fine.  again, this time for something else.  nothing wrong again.  finally, went again, this time looking at thyroid and adrenals.  now, for most people getting blood drawn is no big deal, but my veins are very small, they have a hard time finding a viable one, and often when they do, it will jump out of the way and leave the needle behind.  that happened on this last test.  he stuck me 3 times, each time digging around trying to get the needle in the vein.  the second time he looked up at me in surprise, told me he'd had the needle in the vein, and the vein just danced away - he'd never seen anything like it.  well, this has happened many times to me, including with taped down iv's, so i wasn't surprised.  in the meantime, i was in pain from getting stuck and jabbed and all the digging around.  by the time he was able to get blood, i could barely walk to the waiting room, was dizzy, had to sit for a bit before i got into the car to drive home.   too much stress.

the results came back that my thyroid was fine, but my adrenal glands were under-producing.  finally, proof of adrenal fatigue!  cortisol levels were ok, but adrenosol levels were low.  so, now, off to an endocrinologiist,, see what he could do to fix me.  the standard treatment is steroids.  an injection of 100mg. of cortisol, then 5 mg. daily for a month, see if that helps me feel better, come back in a month.  within 3 days, i was running to the bathroom 6 times in one afternoon.  so, feeling like crap, so to speak, i knew in a heartbeat that my system was rejecting this mode of treatment.  called him, told him what happened, he said to go on b-complex and tylenol for 2 weeks.  it was supposed to boost my energy level and make me feel better.

man, i hate to be a whiner, but i've been taking b-complex vit. for years,.  his rx was standard - b1, b6, and b12.  i take all those daily, plus about 6 more along w/ vit. c for immune system, and a bunch of other vit. and mineral supplements to help my brain and body work better.  i discovered a long time ago that b vit. do not boost me, but rather relax me.  my oldest daughter has the same reaction to them.    so, i've been taking them to help w/ anxiety and depression for years.  now i feel like i'm on my own with this - again!  my system rejects much of what's supposed to help me get better, while at the same time being susceptible to  virus and bacteria without the means to fight them off anymore.  everything i've read about helping adrenals cure the natural way is to rest, relax, sleep as much as possible, and eat paleo.  so, that's what i'm doing.  as best i can.  and feeling closer to death than ever before. 

that's why this trip to see my daughter in the place of her dreams is so important to me.  the bus ride will be stressful, but she and her roomies are kind and gentle with me, so that's good.  she's going to be near here in feb. for a convention, and i'd planned to see her then - it's a much shorter bus ride (the bus, altho it takes longer seems less stressful to me), but i became afraid that i would possibly be too sick to visit with her then.  so, i have to go now, or i don't know if i'll ever see her again.

this sounds so sordid, i know, but i've never been one to see the future as being bleak like i am now.  my body is literally imploding and there are no more medicines that i can tell (unless i want to ingest adrenal tissue from  sheep or pigs.   that doesn't sound too appetizing to me).  one side makes me smaller, one side makes me taller, but which is which?  i'm doing the best i can to keep my spirit up, but now i'm afraid.  damn, if this is karma, i must've been a really bad girl in another life!

[radical]

Hi SM,
When you wrote you were off to see your daughter I thought you'd be offline after than, or I would have said goodbye and wished you well.  I'm glad I have the chance to do that after all.

It must be really  hard making this trip while you are so unwell.  I know how frustrating it is to deal with the medical system when you have symptoms that don't fit well with their model, (and I also have thin, collapsing veins).  Having to go along with it is frustrating.  You're not being a whiner.  It's been rough and you are sick and afraid.  I feel for you.  You don't have to be relentlessly positive to make other people feel better, around here.  I'm glad you've lost the 'Cheshire smile'.

I wish there was something I could do to help with your suffering beyond offering my solidarity in your struggles.  I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter in spite of them.  I bet she is looking forward to seeing you as much as you are her.  I hope you are able to let her take care of you a bit during your stay, especially as you recover from the journey.

  warmest wishes

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your wonderful wishes.  that was one of the best christmases of my life.  i'm still recovering so this will be short.  my daughter, bless her heart, lives with 2 brothers, one more wounded than the other, and there would have been little to no christmas for my daughter if i hadn't been there.  thank you god - i had a feeling that i needed to go, and i was right.

the boys are sweethearts, but very damaged.  i helped make a christmas for them like they've never had, and they showed me kindness and gentleness in great measure.  i was able to buy little gifts for everyone, like fun socks and hot chocolate, but i also wrapped everything, put bows on the packages, and filled their little space under their little tree with fun and family like they've never known.  it was my mama bear/earth mother spirits that came out, and both were overjoyed to see these man-boys have a good time.  plus, my daughter and i enjoyed being together a lot.  neither of her roomies had gotten her anything - she would have had nothing under the tree.  i'm so glad i went.

so, as i reflect on my recovery at the end of this year, it feels like it's going backwards.   i'm getting worse instead of better.  i was able to do a good christmas for my daughter, but at one point, about 2 days before i was supposed to leave, a great feeling came over me, very dark, and i told her that i didn't want to come home because it's too depressing here.  i'd never felt like that before.

when i did get here, my hub told me that it was that day that a profound depression enveloped him, one like he hadn't felt in many years.  too many financial problems were made much worse while i was gone, his best friend is dead only 2 weeks, he's not feeling like a man anymore, job prospects are iffy at best, and his gringo bosses didn't give him a christmas bonus.  when i am able and my hub is out of there, i'm going to tell them off.  they have treated their mexican employees like dirt while looking like saints to the american community.  being here and attempting to be as stress-free as possible to give my adrenals a chance to heal is futile. 

so, i'll continue to do what i can to stay alive and functioning as long as possible.  i've never been so scared in my life.   i'm not afraid of dying, per se, but what that would mean for my daughter and my hub.  i don't know what might happen with them, but i do know that it would not be good.  not good in a very profound way.   we depend on each other because of family circumstances - we are each others' rocks.  and i am the rock attached to both of them.   i know i'm not responsible for anyone's life, but there has been too much trauma in all of ours, and we need each other alive.   

[Three Roses]

Welcome back!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3 roses.  i wish i could say i'm glad to be back.  i'm going down a steep hill.  i realized this morning that i'm not strong enough to carry them right now.  i feel sick and miserable, the people next door are having a loud party - there's no noise control here on holidays - and i'm up at 3 when i should be asleep and healing.  and the bombing in turkey yesterday, well i almost couldn't bear it, all the hatred and senseless violence.  i can't stand the world i'm living in on too many levels.

there's a protest here against the gov't-owned gasoline conglomerate - no one is supposed to buy gas for the first 3 days of this year.  a demonstration against the political corruption that's running rampant.  i know this isn't the only place it's happening, and it sickens my heart.   

so, on to recovery.  i don't know what kind of recovery this is.  years back, during the madness, every year seemed to get worse instead of better.  i know now it's because i was surrounded by a bunch of liars, traitors, and abusers, including the therapist who was supposed to be helping me feel better about myself, but was chipping away at the essence of me, leaving me confused, doing things i'd never think of doing without her influence, feeling guilty about doing them but doing them anyway because she wanted me to. 

but now, i thought, finally, after getting the correct information, getting rid of the detritus that was bringing me down, being part of this wonderful group of caring people, getting help when i needed it, having a supportive little unit around me who can't help me at all anymore because of their own problems, it feels like it's all backfiring.  i'm feeling worse than ever, i know i'm sicker than ever, i can't help the people i love (even those who i've had to go nc with) and the world has become nearly unbearable to live in.   there's a new pres. in the u.s. who is scaring the bejeezus out of me, and i weep for everyone having to endure all their pain.  that was one place where i've always had empathy, the one place the alexithymia never touched - the sadness of what people have to go through and put up with.

when my dad died in 1971, i began weeping for my loss, but it quickly turned into sobbing for all the boys who were being killed in so many ways in vietnam.  it was their pain i wept for, not my own.  that wouldn't come until i got sober.  the night my hub#2 told me about my dad's death, i barely reacted.  it wasn't until the next night when he was passed out that i allowed my tears to flow, but they were diverted quickly from my own pain to that of those others in that senseless war.   i remember not wanting to wake my hub, so i went into the closet to cry.  even then i couldn't let anyone see me break down.

so, as 2016 has now passed into oblivion, i wonder about what i've learned.  this whole thing, the venture into the world of c-ptsd began for me last jan..  my ex's birthday was the anniversary of when i went nc with my daughter and basically let go of him as the friend i had believed he was for 50 yrs.  it was that birthday that triggered such a massive 8-month ef that i sought out a therapist here, had panic attacks, poured out my story to her, which felt good at the time, but it really only covered my adult life.  it wasn't until later in the year that i found this forum and began looking more closely at my childhood after learning about the alexithymia.  by that time, i'd had to get rid of that therapist because she was useless to me for anything more than listening to my story and asking questions over and over, but there was never any sense of healing going on.  once again, to take care of me, i had to rely on me.

i found help through that mentor about how to possibly re-wire my emotional disconnection, but that got disrupted when i had the breakdown from the pressure point therapy when i regressed to being 14 again, in terrible distress about being/feeling alone, sobbing in front of my parents about it, who both stood there and looked at me.  my father finally said, what - are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?  my mother never laid a comforting hand on me, didn't say a comforting word to me, and i knew in that moment that i was on my own, that i would have to take care of me because no one else would.  and, in my regression, i reached out to my hub to embrace me, gather me in, but he was concerned about the woman standing there looking at me sobbing, pleading, and he pulled away, telling me he'd be back but he had to pay her, take care of her, and it was the same thing all over again.

i've read here over and over about how people don't trust anyone.  with me, it was the opposite - i trusted everyone.  everyone.  i saw no reason not to, couldn't fathom the idea that someone would hurt me - well, i had no fear, did i!  trust is connected to fear, and i didn't feel any, so i just went down my primrose path, always believing in everyone.  and, since i had no boundaries that i was aware of, except for the extremely obvious, such as assault or rape, i kept taking on abuse without knowing that's what it was, never having feelings about it except confusion, and being in a confused state meant that something was out of whack and needed to be fixed.  and, if i only said the right words, did the correct thing, everything would be taken care of. 

so, this past year has been one of eye-opening proportions, too much knowledge at times, so much pain and hurt, exhausting, terrifying at times (which is new to me and i don't like it at all), educating my hub about what i need from him and how to go about giving it to me.  except for one thing that i miss dearly, which is sex.  haven't had sex in years because he was too afraid after his hip surgery (about 10 yrs. ago) that sex would pop the replacement joint out of place.  at the endocrinologist's office, he brought it up as a way for me to do something enjoyable and relaxing, tension-relieving, and i told him i wanted to but my hub didn't.  when my hub went for his eye surgery, the cardiologist said he thought he heard an abnormality.  my hub told the endo that he'd call the cardio the next day, set up an appt., talk about it.  like all the other docs through all these years to talk about this, get a medical opinion on the safety of having sex, he didn't get called either.  diy just isn't the same.  on my own again while sleeping next to a man i love who's been too scared from the get-go to explore any of this.  i'm frickin' surrounded by cowards and i'm getting sick of it!!!

2015 was the year i finally went nc w/ my daughter who has abused me since she was about 7.  she'll be 40 this year.   i'll come back to that later.  i want someone to take care of me.  my strength and spirit are failing and so it is with the people who truly love me and want the best for me.  they don't have anything to give - maybe they never really have.  maybe i've been living in a pipe dream.  ask the caterpillar.

[radical]

I feel for you.

i regressed to being 14 again, in terrible distress about being/feeling alone, sobbing in front of my parents about it, who both stood there and looked at me.  my father finally said, what - are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?  my mother never laid a comforting hand on me, didn't say a comforting word to me, and i knew in that moment that i was on my own, that i would have to take care of me because no one else would.  and, in my regression, i reached out to my hub to embrace me, gather me in, but he was concerned about the woman standing there looking at me sobbing, pleading, and he pulled away, telling me he'd be back but he had to pay her, take care of her, and it was the same thing all over again.

So much this.  I'm so sorry

It's nearly four here on the other side of the world. I'm in a lot of pain.  Physical, psychological,interpersonal, socio/political, environmental,  the whole earth seems to ache.  It helps me to not feel alone with it.  We are in this together.  All the fear, hurt, loss, betrayal, failure to connect, abuse, longing, and anguish.

I know it doesn't take the pain away, but you are not alone with it.

[Three Roses]

Hugs are hardly adequate but it's all I can do. Cyber hugs at that!