the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

the past coupla months i've been having such happy dreams where people from my past, dead and alive (even the women from 'friends') have visited me in my dreams.  it's been strange, but really wonderful.   i have such good times with them, so glad they came to visit and we had at least one more good time together.  even my nc daughter and sister showed up and i had fun with them.  it's always been in another time and place, when i was young and strong and healthy and could just enjoy being alive.

it happened again this morning, where a wonderful old mexican man we knew visited me and we had fun on the beach and then decided to go to a play together that night.  he died just a little bit ago, so it was wonderful to see him alive and healthy, even if only in a dream.  while i was dreaming, it seemed very real, and i didn't question him being there, just felt happy to be with him, enjoying him again.

i'm wondering what this could all mean.  i'm wondering if perhaps my brain is re-wiring in order to feel this happiness.  it's such a wonderful feeling in my dreams.  and, it's not as if i'm thinking of anyone of these people before i go to sleep or that they've been on my mind.  they just visit, and i feel so happy to see them and be with them again.  it's really quite a lovely phenomenon.  this has probably happened at least a dozen times. 

[Wife#2]

Oh, what a wonderful thing! May I suggest writing them down when you remember them? They may be your mind's fantasy, but what a wonderful fantasy and worth reliving while awake! These may be what can help you relax and begin the process of physical healing. Oh, I hope so very much. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  good idea.  last night i hung out with the gang on 'how i met your mother' and we had a wonderful time.  very fun!

[meursault]

That's great.  I agree with Wife #2.  You ought to write them down so you can keep them in memory better to revisit during the hard times you're having!  Dreams have so much power.  Hope yours continue to be full of joy and healing and carry over into waking more and more.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

thanks, dear meursault.  they really do bring good feelings in, even in remembering them.  funny how the mind works.  i hope everything's going well with you.

[sanmagic7]

wow, since writing my story down, i'm feeling so different, so much better in the essence of me.  leaving that stuff on the screen did more than i could ever hope for.  this week i've even been able to leave that 'fixer' part of me behind, who i've always dragged along in my relationship with my younger daughter.  i'll be with her for a few days next month, and instead of trying to 'help' her with her issues, i want to just have some mom/daughter fun and an all-over pleasant time.

she's got a lot of issues from growing up in the midst of the madness, has also been traumatized, still gets panic attacks, and is as unemotional as possible, just wound so tight.  i know she's doing the best she can, and i help her out financially, but my heart weeps for her.   i've always been trying to 'help' her with what's going on in her life, bringing that therapist/fixer to the party nearly every time.  now i see it's time to stop that.

the other thing that's changed re: our relationship is that i no longer feel the need to have her 'see' me and understand what i've gone through.  it always seemed important to me because i knew virtually nothing about how my parents felt about anything, what they'd been through in their lives, and i didn't want my kids to not know me the same way.  at christmas she said something about what i've gone through, as in not experiencing very much kindness (i had spoken to her and her roomies about how kind they'd been to me and, of course, was crying my way through saying it), and that may have sealed the deal for me.  she knows.

unfortunately, i've pushed this issue so much, and i believe it's time to stop that as well.  it suddenly came to me the other day that i don't need her to see me, that i just need to be her mom and let her be my daughter  (it took awhile for what she said to sink in and make some sense - alexithymia, i'd guess).  if she's got questions, she'll ask if she's interested.  if she's not interested, i don't want that to matter anymore.

so, things are rumbling and rolling in my mind since the toxic dumping.  i didn't expect this, but i'm glad it's happening.  happy dreams are still going on, and that's so fun.  i'm so glad i did that!!

[Wife#2]

I can sense a lightness to your posts since the dump. I have truly enjoyed watching and reading. It feels to me that if I could see your face, there would be smiles visible - sometimes on purpose (looking at a beautiful sunset), sometimes just slipping into place until you realized - 'Hey, I'm smiling!' This is my hope for you if it isn't already happening.

Together, we will celebrate your victories, big, little, short or long lived - victories are WORTH celebrating, you ARE WORTH honoring and celebrating! My most sincere hope is that you can feel the love from your daughters, especially your baby girl. It's there. It's real and you DO DESERVE to feel the love they have for you.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, wife2.  it does feel like a celebration of sorts.  and i truly do feel lighter.  what a burden to have been carrying around all these years. 

i'm focusing on my health now, and at this time i'm feeling better than i have in quite awhile.  dang, being sick brings me down so badly.  but, when i thought of getting well, that was scary, too.  weird.  now that i am feeling better, the fear is diminishing.  i really don't want to stay in that sick place. 

the flower arrangement i chose for laying to rest my past, including my 'fixer' part, is unusual because it's an image of an unfinished arrangement.  there are white roses and  calla lilies along part of the top and down one side of a heart, with the flowers trailing beyond the point of the heart, one rose a bit longer than the rest.  that's my 'fixer' flower, staying a little 'longer'.  but the rest of the heart is a green base, unfinished, and i don't know how i found it, but it symbolizes to me that my life isn't over yet.  i still have things to do that are unfinished.  the symbolism didn't strike me in its totality until i put it on my desktop and had been looking at it for several days.  i'm still saying good-bye, but it's really hitting home.  so glad i found it.  it really speaks to me.

so, i'm living more comfortably in my skin these past few days (it seems longer!), and i'm glad it's showing.  it really does feel good.  i'm also taking a supplement every day with antioxidants, electrolytes, and extra vit. and minerals all geared to helping bolster the immune system, and i'd swear it's helping!  it seems weird to admit that cuz i take a bunch of vit./min. every day already, but somehow there seems to be something in this supplement (emergen-c) that's helping.  i don't know, but i hope they don't stop making it.  it seems to be making a difference, one that i like.

so, onward!

[sanmagic7]

woke up to a dream last night, and a big realization about my original dream to come here and live o those many years ago.  it was about a man who lives here, we were involved for a few years before circumstances broke us apart.  but, the realization was that this man had made me feel loved (i've been talking about this in so many posts about how i couldn't feel it) and he visited me in my dream, and i felt soothed and comforted in his presence, woke up to know that that feeling of being loved was what sustained me for more than 30 yrs. of the madness.  huh.  i've felt my hub's love once, but, altho i know about it in my head, i've never been able to sustain the feeling.  this is so strange to me, felt like i just had to write it down.

i don't know what the difference is, why i was able to feel it from this man, even when not in his presence, for all those years.  it was the feeling that it was enough that we were both alive, sleeping under the same moon, looking up at the same sun, and the knowing that he felt the same way, even tho we didn't regularly correspond or anything.  it was a different kind of knowing, a heart knowing rather than anything logical.  my hub keeps his heart and emotions very covered and protected, even tho he says all the right words.  one time i felt his heart speaking, and that's when i felt the love.  but the feeling didn't last.  his heart wasn't in it after that.  covered up again. 

wow!  this was a biggie.  and, speaking of dreams, i've been having so many of these wonderful dreams lately, but in the past 2 days i've had 2 glimpses of disturbance - one was a shadowy man who appeared, didn't know him but i knew he was dangerous, and the other was getting an email from the long-time friend i've just dumped that was extremely hateful and hurtful.  it hasn't happened, and i hope it doesn't.   i've just gotten so used to having these lovely, fun, happy dreams, these 2 not-so-much dreams kind of took me by surprise.

my neck and shoulders began hurting pretty badly yesterday, and i thought of the whole idea of getting rid of the burden i'd been carrying around.  am wondering if maybe they're not re-adjusting to their newfound lightness of being.  i've been working on them today, it felt good to do that.  i think they'll be ok after awhile.

other than that, i'm enjoying feeling better.  yay!  forward!

[sanmagic7]

just feel like whining this morning.  i'm so sick of not being able to sleep right at night.  i wake up too early nearly every morning and drag until i can go back to sleep after my hub leaves for work.  by then, i'm overtired and feeling miserable, but most days i can take that nap, it lasts for 3-4 hrs. at times, and i can feel really pretty good the rest of the day until night comes.  i try to stay on a fairly regular sleep schedule, but i'm scared/anxious to go to bed, worrying that i won't be able to fall asleep and those racing thoughts will return and it'll take so long to finally fall asleep.  it's vicious.

i purposely don't watch the news or any other intense shows at night, just silly sitcoms, so i don't have anything disturbing from outside me.  but i wake up often between 3 and 4 every morning.  i do have meds to help me sleep (restless leg syndrome) and they work pretty well, but i can't seem to stay asleep.

i did read where adrenal fatigue can play a part in waking people up several hours earlier than normal.  i only sleep 4-5 hrs./night, get the rest of my 8 hrs. during the day, but i simply relish those nights when i can sleep through till the alarm goes off.  i don't know.  i just hate it, and it's been going on for so long. 

i'm going to see an internalist in a couple of months, we'll see if he can do anything about this.  this time i'm bringing in everything i have about c-ptsd, my labwork that shows part of how my adrenals aren't functioning correctly, all my physical symptoms, info on alexithymia and how the brain is changed because of it, info on how trauma changes the brain - one doc i saw recently told me i needed an mri and ct scan to find out what's going on up there.  i don't know if that would be available to me with this national ins., and i don't have enough money to pay out of pocket.  we'll see.

ugh!  i just hate feeling like this every day and night.  it's rotten!

[Wife#2]

I thought something has been going on - you've been responding to THIS East-coaster awfully early many days. I'm so sorry you struggle with this. Lack of sleep is part of a vicious cycle. I wish I had an answer for you. Try to catch those body-healing z's today. 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my friends.  you're wonderful.

i'll see what this next specialist has to say about it, too.  maybe there are some answers there.  just a few months . . . it would be nice.  but if it is due to adrenal fatigue, it may be a long time coming yet.  we'll see.

[sanmagic7]

haven't written for awhile, but today i became so confused.  i did a questionnaire yesterday, and today i'm doubting whether i was totally truthful, and i'm feeling embarrassed.  i answered the questions as truthfully as i thought, but other realizations began creeping in after it was done and sent on its way. 

i'm now questioning  whether my c-ptsd actually started in adulthood.  alexithymia is mentioned in van der kolk's book as a product of trauma.  that kicked in big time before any of the adult trauma happened, probably by the time i was 20.  the adult trauma didn't begin till i got married the first time, when i was 24.

i know i was also anxious and depressed by the time i was 16.   i think i was so sensitive to being all that my dad wanted me to be that i lost myself, lived for his approval, wanted nothing more than for him to give me a compliment - i did really well in school - a hug, a word of praise.  nothing was forthcoming except the fear? realization? belief? that i wasn't good enough as me, that i had to be perfect.  and when i got straight a's on my report card, a sign of perfection, it still didn't elicit what i was craving from him. 

o, this is running in circles around my brain.  i wasn't the type to tell him how i was feeling - well, no, by that time i wasn't feeling much of anything except cognitively working on how to solve this problem, what do i need to do, what should i try - but now i think that underneath all that was disappointment (first time i've been able to consciously admit that) at not getting the praise i'd worked so hard for, and even farther from my conscious reach was the belief that no matter what i did i wouldn't be good enough. 

yep, that one hit a chord - the tears are flowing now.  all my grandiosity in later years, my belief that i was perfect, that i could come up with the perfect answers to any problem was overriding this core belief.  o my heart, how painful this is.  i can't believe more of this crapola keeps coming up out of nowhere!  will it never end!!!  no, it was more than a belief - i'd sealed myself up so tightly that i knew i could come up with the perfect answers.  i knew i was perfect, including being perfectly flawed.  i had no inner critic to tell me otherwise.  it was buried too deep.

wow!  just got off the phone with my darling daughter, and all this stuff came out of me and we had one of the best chats ever.  a lot of healing here.  funny how that happens.  it's the magic.  i let myself become completely vulnerable with her, asked her to tell me that i wouldn't lose her, and she did, and she did again when i asked again.  even if i'm not perfect.   what a relief.

with that, i think i'll stop.  i just want to wallow in this good feeling. 

[Wife#2]

  Celebrating this victory over the past with you!!! Because you ARE a wonderful person, even if flawed. Maybe, because of the flaws! Regardless of why or how or whatever - you are a wonderful person!