the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

and you, wife2, are so darling and sweet.  thanks, and a  back to you. 

[Twinkletoes]

I've just read your latest post sanmagic and I'm so happy for you and your healing day/moment. Well done to you, I know it's painful and sad but these healing moments keep us all going!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, twink!  very sweet of you to say so.  here's to more of them for everyone!

[sanmagic7]

realizations have been storming the citadel lately.  i figured out why i cry when i see an act of kindness toward someone, or experience someone being kind to me - i haven't had much in the way of kindness in my life, and i cry because i'm so sad about it, grieving in dribs and drabs, but without any real direction to it, without any definite point.  now that i've figured it out, i can have a funeral for it and grieve it properly.

when talking to my daughter the other day, i realized how badly i've wanted acknowledgment from my daughters for what i've accomplished, for working so hard at being the best mom i could under horrible circumstances, that i was someone they could look up to and aspire to be like.   not to be clones or anything, but the 'never-give-up' attitude that i've carried in front of me.  it's why i cry every time an award winner pays tribute to their parents for their help and support, a public recognition.   both my daughters have dissed me in that arena, and it really hurt.  now that i've recognized it, it's time for another funeral as well.

and i have to have a funeral for all the feelings i've missed due to the alexithymia, all the wonderful, positive, warm and fuzzies that i've never felt.  i cry so hard when i watch a show where the players show on their faces, sparkle in their eyes their joy at having a baby, at raising a child, of finding someone who loves them.  i've known all these, but could never feel happy about it.  never knew why, either.

the fourth one was that neither of my ex husbands was ever excited about me being pregnant, never wanted to be part of the process, left me to do it on my own, never gave me a word of encouragement or praise - in fact, quite the opposite.   i carried those babies for them, and neither lifted a finger to help me.  it's why i cry every time i see that excitement on the tube or in real life.  again, i've been grieving without direction, but the tears and the sadness have been all too real.

so, during this week, it will be time for funerals and grieving.  all this crying interferes with relationships, with my attempt to talk about such things, with being able to experience this as an observer, but i never could understand what was happening, why it was happening.  now i know.  all this sadness inside of me, and, now that i think of it, probably a lot of anger underneath that.  it's gonna be an emotional roller coaster - i can feel it coming.  o boy!  an adventure!  hah!

i will put myself through this because i believe i'll feel better afterwards.  man, that would be nice.   i don't look forward to it, tho.  it's gonna be tough, and i'm gonna be rough around the edges.  but, if i want to continue to recover, it's necessary.  god, give me the strength.

[radical]

I greatly admire your courage and fortitude, San.
I also admire the way you are able to take action (and know what action is right for you personally) to resolve the pain from the past.  I have a habit of losing confidence and feeling defeated when I reflect, and would like to find some positive actions of my own.
Have thinking cap on.

All power to you!

[sanmagic7]

thank you for such kind words, radical.  i have no doubt you'll find what's right for you to begin laying this crapola to rest.

in fact, i just finished writing the first funeral i did, but before i began, a wave of anger came over me, vile words towards my parents.  i just let them come.  horrible stuff that is poisonous, that needs to get out of me.  while i was wailing away, both verbally and physically, i thought about people here who are scared to let out their anger in all its awful majesty, and i thought, these words are coming out of me now, these feelings are real, the words matched what i was feeling, i have to say them, let them out, but they're only for now.  they're not necessarily forever.

in fact, while i was writing for the funeral, i ranted and raved, again calling my folks all kind of horrible things, spewing vitriol onto the page, but, even tho i don't know if this one funeral will take care of everything that came up (all of what i've written in my other post actually led back to my childhood, especially one incident i remember with my folks), that it might be too much to fit in one coffin at the same time, i let myself go with it, and at the end i wrote 'love you'.  it took me by surprise, but it's what came out.  and i felt myself meaning it.

so, now to rest with this for a bit.  another surprise was that there were very few if any tears.  i went right under them to the anger.  it was almost startling to me when i realized it.  the flowers are on my desktop.  we'll see what happens. 

[sanmagic7]

low energy today, sad.  one day i think i'm on top of this, the next day i'm under it again.  i did notice last night while watching tv that i didn't have as many tears flowing.  maybe the funeral helped more than i thought.

will be taking it easy today.  gotta recharge.  had a strange dream last night, one that i wasn't a part of, which is really unusual for me.  almost every dream i remember, i was in it somehow, so dreaming of something outside of me was strange when i woke up and realized it.  it was both sexual and violent; again, not the norm for me at all.  it was like i was watching a movie.  my brain is working at some level that i'm unaware of.  will keep track. 

[Wife#2]

I pray for you, my friend, a day of peace after such a strong storm. Excising anger is as exhausting as it is healing. Today, if it's possible, rest. Breathe. Be. 

[Three Roses]

Peace and healing flowing your way

[sanmagic7]

thank you both, wife2 and 3 roses.  so much caring here.  i'm smiling because of it.  it's so appreciated. 

[Twinkletoes]

Ah, dreams are powerful things. I've had horrible dreams lately so I know the feeling they leave you with. Body sensations, moods, tears, its horrible... on the plus side (if you can call it that), it does prove that things are being worked through in your head.  As my Therapist would say, "be kind to yourself" and try and write the feelings out to help you understand them.

Thinking of you. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, twink.  i'm taking your advice and writing right now.  my grandiosity is crumbling and i'm fearful, full of self-doubt, feel like i'm a fraud, insecure in my own mind about how much of me, of what i know is relevant, but most of all just plain scared.  i'm scared that i'm gonna get a pm from someone telling me to stop responding to their posts.  i've never had these sensations, beliefs, feelings about myself, and i can now truly relate to others who have said the same things about themselves.  o my heart!  how have you people lived like this so long?  how have you done it?

i feel like i've cracked open and this mess is spreading from where i was once contained.  i want to cry - i'm losing the only self i've known for most of my life, and i don't know how to put this little humpty dumpty back together!    my chest is tight with fear, my eyes are teary, i want to hide under the covers from this.  if i had a closet, i'd go sit in there and pretend i'm in the rabbit hole, going to a place of . . .

but, that's exactly what's happening.  down the rabbit hole to the unknown.  alice did it with spunk and curiosity - she's been my idol since i was very young.   i don't know how i would have made it if i'd felt like this all my life.  surprising, the survival skills we can garner, embrace, and utilize to continue a life that isn't working well at all.  i'm going to drown in the pool of tears!

i don't know what to do with this.  radical, you said something about me knowing what i need to do to put the past to rest.  well, yes, for some things, but i don't know what to do with this!  this is foreign, alien, this fear and self-doubt is a presence which i've not consciously been aware of, couldn't admit to, plugged along while keeping it at bay by sheer will.  that wall of will just shattered.

i suppose this is a positive breakthrough, if i look at it logically, but it feels anything but pos.  it feels horrible.  i don't understand how anyone has lived with this for most of their lives, how they've continued functioning, making something of themselves, going to work, raising families, having relationships, putting themselves out there again and again while feeling like this.  i don't understand how they've done it! 

and, now the u.s. leader is doing, saying all these horrible things, manufacturing hate left and right, fueling fear - well, that fire is raging inside me right now.  i can barely stand it, am so scared of what is going on right now, of what might happen.  it isn't helping me to feel as stress-free as possible, which is what i need right now to continue healing my system.  denying climate change, threatening to pull out of the paris agreement - i feel like i'm living in some surreal joke, that this can't be happening, not really.  yet it is, and it scares me to death.  i'm not feeling very good right now.

ok, wife2, i'm breathing.   that may all that i'll be able to pull off today, except i have to go grocery shopping, and get a new phone.  mine finally broke.   i want to sit with coffee and a cigarette and pretend.  just pretend.  but i'm past that point, and i hate that i don't have that option anymore.  i don't know what to do with me!

[Wife#2]

First - turn off that TV. It's not going to help and the reality is we will survive even this man for president. We've survived other crazies and idiots, we'll survive this guy, too. Don't let that be your focus. It's ok to be uninformed for a while. Especially when you're trying to heal and STRESS is a problem. So, click! Read a good book instead for a few days.

I haven't watched the news, to know what's going on, nearly all month! My hubby has to tell me the important stuff. Depending on how hard my day has been, he'll not tell me ANYTHING, figuring rightly that a day or two won't blow up the world, so it'll hold.

Take your time and walk slowly or drive the scenic route to the store for the groceries and/or phone. Give your mind time to wander around. AND, of course, breathe. I keep saying that because staying aware of your own breathing can help keep you focused on just being alive - just living - the most important part of being human, after all! The rest is (hopefully) to make that experience better and/or more enjoyable or richer and fuller. That's the goal.

I'll type more in a minute. I want to get this posted quickly. How do we make it each day, feeling the fear, sadness, emptiness and anger? We stop, remind ourselves of what hasn't been awful, what has in fact been wonderful in our lives and we breathe until the worst of the emotions pass. And sometimes, we complain, whine and fuss until we're sick of the sound of our own voices. THEN we breathe. One more time.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, wife2.  yes, breathe.  i had stopped watching the news ages ago, but have been watching political comedy shows which, while they make me laugh, i guess they have been making me afraid as well.  i have been politically active, an activist many times in my life.  i want to join the fight, and have by signing a letter of protest recently and forwarding it to people i know.  it's hard to give it up, but i guess, for my own health's sake, it's the right thing to do for right now.

that's a tough pill to swallow, but i appreciate your thoughts about this.  you're right, of course, it's what's best for me.  dang, i hate this crapola!!! 

in the meantime, i now have an inner critic to contend with, which is a new experience.  holy negativity, batman!  one foot in front of the other, i guess.  newfound respect for everyone here in a more fundamental way.   this crapola really sucks!

[Twinkletoes]

I've just read this - I am feeling your fear and sadness :-( I'm sad for you. I'm about to drive so will reply properly later but I wanted to say one quick thing that often helps me -

Try and remember the thing you are scared of - the fear of breakdown etc - it's already happened.

You are now recovering. We fear the things that have already happened to us - you're feeling things from before that you suppressed or denied so you will survive because you already have!! Xx