the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[Downsideup]

Getting your MSW AND a b.a. in psychology?? Thats a huge deal and definitely something to be proud of...It sounds like you've lived a pretty accomplished life san... I'm seriously impressed! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, downsideup.  very kind of you to say so.  it took a long time to realize that dream - to graduate from college.  i started when i was 17, finally finished 30 yrs. later.  don't ever give up on your dreams.  it may take awhile, but they can still come true if you keep heading for them.  don't ever give up.

[Twinkletoes]

SERIOUSLY impressed San!! AMAZING.

[sanmagic7]

thank you dear sweet twink.  you brought a smile to my face this morning.

it's a smile i need, too.  i'm feeling very anxious today - i have that doc appt. ordeal tomorrow, and as helpful as my hub has been in looking out for me and taking care of me, this is the downside of that.  with him gone, i don't have him to rely on, i have the language to contend with on my own, and it's all very stressful to me just thinking about it. 

i was always so independent, fearless when it came to these kinds of things.  now that i'm getting in touch with my emotions, i'm feeling this anxiety, etc. and it's so new and uncomfortable.  i don't like it.  i've become dependent on him to help me navigate this country (such as cab drivers trying to take advantage of me cuz i'm american, and in most mexican's minds, all americans are rich).  i'll make it thru, but it's not going to be smooth for me emotionally.

so, i'll get thru this day as best i can, and tomorrow as well, and then my hub will be home probably fri., and my schedule will have to go back to being his again.  at least he's gone all day, so i do have quite a bit of alone time for sleeping and resting.  and, then i will be getting ready to present all my info on my physical abnormalities and make my spiel for getting a brain scan to address any injury in there and what that might have to do with what's going on with me, why my body reacts the way it does, along with the adrenals and mis-functioning hormones, and who knows, really, how many of them are involved.

o, wah wah wah.  my secret fear is that the doc will tell me that they don't have the resources to do anything further for me and i will live out my life like this.  how's that for projecting negativity?  still, that's where i am right now, and i'm being honest and forthright and putting it out here for the world to see.  it would be nice to have 3 days strung together where i felt well in mind and body.  i'd like to live long enough to see that happen.  i'm afraid i won't.  this would be no way to die.

boy, i went to a pretty dark place quite quickly.  still, it is what it is, i am what i am.  and right after all those pom pom girls from you lovely ladies.  they just don't hold over long enough to overshadow the fears and realities.  i so wish they would.

[Wife#2]

OK, San, here comes another round of hugs, only with each one, remind yourself of someone (IRL or here) who loves you and of ONE uniquely 'SanMagic7' quality that helps you know you are worth all this effort.

I'll get you started.  Here's a hug from me (someone who loves you) and the unique quality is Warrior Woman warmth: 

I'm doing this because you are alone with your thoughts today and tomorrow and that just won't do. We all end up burrowing back into that ugly place without enough positive distraction. So.... here are more hugs to name & qualify:



Don't stop until you can give a name and a quality to each one. That's only 10. You can do it. *** And you can't stew in the negativity pot while you're doing it ***  Lots of love to you, friend, San.

[sanmagic7]

such a totally creative exercise.  i got stuck on 7 for a moment, but then things cracked open a bit, and i really do feel more grounded and a little less anxious.  thank you, my dear sweet friend for that.  i will wrap all of you around me tomorrow, so i won't be going alone after all.  that's really a relief to think about.

thank you so much for that - it brings tears of happiness (yes, i can feel it) to my eyes.    happy is such a lovely feeling.  thank you again.  you've helped me so much.  love you right back, and a big hug to boot!

[Wife#2]

The real San is emerging, and like a newly emerged butterfly, you may be fragile, but you are also strong and beautiful.

I can't wait to see the patterns emerge: calm > self-acceptance > rest > health ::: rinse and repeat as becomes true :::

I'll be thinking of you, wishing you calm and a cab driver who has a good heart, and a useful doctor's visit.

[Twinkletoes]

Oh sorry San I didn't log on and see this until now (10pm) I'm so sorry! 

I totally feel for you and understand your feelings completely. You will be fine but you know that already, do this to prove to yourself that you're strong and independent! Another thing to add to your list of qualities.

Keep us all in mind when you're there tomorrow - hold onto us in your head. You have our love and support !!

Xxx

[sanmagic7]

thanks, twink.  you will all be with me. 

and, thank you, too, wife2, for all your support.

the thing that gets me is that i have always been strong and independent, fearless, doing what others only wished they'd done.  it wasn't until i began getting sick that my feelings of strength began leaving me.  my spirit has been strong enough to keep me alive (with a lot of help) but that was iffy at times, too. 

now my health, while better than it was several years ago, literally stops me in my tracks from doing things i didn't give a second thought to before.  it's been such a great change in my way of living, my way of thinking, my wanting for myself.  sometimes it's just so difficult to deal with the difference.  being so dependent on my hub goes against my very nature, yet i've had to alter that nature to accommodate the physical wrongs.

i'm hoping that next month, another specialist, that i will get some answers, or at least more tests to discover why my body reacts to stress the way it does.  i've heard of people having 'stress flu' before (which i do experience) but never heard why my legs will stop working properly, and other anomalies like that.  we can only wait and see.  i don't doubt i'll be posting something similar when it comes time to see the next guy (this is just a routine glaucoma check-in tomorrow). 

thank you all for your support and caring and kindness and love.  i love you all right back, and will carry you with me tomorrow.  hugs to everyone.

[Downsideup]

Hey...don't be too hard on yourself. You've done a lot, and it sounds pretty frustrating to have to slow down, but try to be patient with yourself. Also, good luck on that trip. I hope you brought a book or something to keep yourself entertained:)

[sanmagic7]

thanks to everyone for being with me.  as it turned out, an entire week of mental and emotional prep, going twice to get paperwork done, energy, stress, lack of sleep, anxiety and the trip itself was a total waste.  completely a waste.  i'm home safe and sound, but am tired and don't even know how i feel yet, except more drained by the minute.  none of this, none, needed to happen.  more later.  they totally effed up.   

[sanmagic7]

i want to respond to everyone, but i have no energy today.  know that i love you all, am with you, and think of you beautiful beings with nothing but admiration for all your courage.  big hug.

[Three Roses]

Beside you in spirit, dear friend.

[Downsideup]

Don't worry about anyone other than yourself right now...it sounds like you've been through a lot of * yesterday. I really am sorry to hear that. Rest easy San<3

[Wife#2]

We've got you in our thoughts & prayers.

I'm standing beside you, with ThreeRoses and the rest. You have your permission to take care of yourself FIRST today. It's ok.