Anne's Recovery Journal

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Careleus

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Anne's Recovery Journal
« on: December 15, 2016, 09:41:02 PM »
I don't really know where to start. I'm pretty new to all of this.
I guess I'll talk a little bit about my past. I was abused, emotionally and physically throughout my childhood. I was bullied by my family and at school I was an outsider. My family had made me so scared of other people that I wasn't able to socialize properly. As a result, I was called stupid. I was molested when I was younger but was unaware of it until I had a flashback at the end of seventh grade. My grandmother was my only protector, and she was beaten and thrown out of the house when I was in seventh grade as well. I did not see her for years after, even then only periodically, and no longer had her protection from my parents.
My parents made my siblings think that I was an evil child. I could not confide in them. I was made to do all of the  chores, while they watched, and beaten and emotionally abused if I didn't comply.
I still have more to share, but I think I've opened up enough for now. My thoughts are pretty scattered as a result of this ordeal, and it's hard for me to conjure up a proper timeline. I had a breakdown after my best friend tried to sexually assult me, and was admitted to a mental hospital. I was given the diagnosis of C-PTSD and major depression. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, and a counsellor.
I am on 15mg of trintellex and 10mg of serequol.
I have not had a lot of success with relationships. Usually I end up idolizing the person and being severely heartbroken when they stop seeing me. My days are plagued with negative thoughts which I can not get rid of. I think that everyone is harboring ill intent towards me. I disassociate periodically throughout the day. But I'm still taking this day by day. I try to eat healthy, be kind to others, and work hard at school.
Every day is still difficult. I do not sleep very much. I have little to no sensation 'down there'. My body aches, and my head feels heavy. I'm always in a state of confusion. Hopefully I can get through this, and recover.
-Car
« Last Edit: December 15, 2016, 10:00:05 PM by Careleus »

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Three Roses

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Re: Anne's Recovery Journal
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2016, 10:51:54 PM »
Hello and welcome, Careleus! I'm glad you're here. Really! :)

Being vulnerable and opening up when you've been beaten and bullied your whole life isn't easy, and I recognize the bravery it took. Thank you for allowing us in, even just a little.

Thank you for joining and adding your voice to ours.  :wave:

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Careleus

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Re: Anne's Recovery Journal
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2017, 07:37:31 PM »
Thank you for your kind reply.

This is my second post, and it has been a few weeks since I made the first one. I went back to see my family and surprisingly, there were no incidents so to speak of. It makes me feel a little confused, and doubtful of the fact that the abuse took place to begin with.
I came back to school a week ago. I have spent most of my time in bed, sleeping or watching TV shows. I did not attend the first week of classes. I have quite a few errands to run, but I do not want to do any of them because I feel so hopeless and depressed. I think to myself, what is the point? Why should I even get out of bed?
I do not like the city I am currently living in. I attend a good school, but it is not in a good area. I want to move schools, but I don't even know where I would begin. I failed a class last semester because I stopped attending and handing in assignments. I don't want to go down that road again, but I lack motivation and it feels like every day is an uphill battle.
I am unsatisfied in my personal relationships. I feel like I can't talk to anyone around me, and hide myself from the world as a result. The one person that I want to talk to and develop a relationship with is always too busy to be around me, which upsets me a great deal. It feels like my self worth hinges on whether he is willing to talk to me or not. Right now, he is not, so I don't know what to do with myself.
I will start attending classes next week. I am retaking the one that I failed, and I will try to get through the embarrassment. I hope I can  move on from here; although I don't even know where I can begin. There are so many things that haunt me, and stop me from functioning like a normal person.  :stars:  :'(