Hello!

[Amadahy]

Hey y'all,

I have been a more frequent poster on the OOTF sister site because I've been trying to figure out my NPD mom.  Wow!  OOTF has been a lifesaver, truly.  I'm about six weeks NC with mom and overall feel much relief.  Now, to look at me a little more.

I've resisted the C-PTSD label because -- well, did I really suffer enough abuse to warrant it?  I mean, I had some really happy childhood times.  Am I overreacting to my mom's treatment of me?  Intellectually, I know I did suffer enough and I am not overreacting, but it's still kind of hard to realize.  Honestly, I think most happy memories were times where I did have some control and chose happiness -- or at least peace.  Somehow, I have always been an optimistic person.  I remember asking my mom if I was adopted -- I was certain that I had been.  What else could explain her dislike of me?  My very different views on everything?  My not fitting in with any family?

While growing up, my mom gaslighted me, physically abused me, was sexually provocative around me, sabotaged me, turned other family members against me, was jealous that my dad liked me, and was just freaky unpredictable.  Coming home from school, I never knew whether I'd get slapped or hugged.  I told myself it wasn't that bad.  Now that I am a mom, I see how awful that was.  I would be horrified if someone treated my kids that way.

Over the years, I built up coping mechanisms.  We lived in a national forest and I spent hours upon hours in the woods each day.  That saved my life, really.  Even though my dad was an enabler for mom, he was good to me and kindhearted.  That helped.  I told myself I was strong -- I could deal with my mom.  Really, all I did was internalize and put on a tough act.  In my 40s, I began experiencing severe anxiety attacks, new phobias, and an inability to "deal" with stress.  Believe it or not, it was at the same time my then-widowed NPD mom began going further downhill and I asked her to move in with us (me, hubs, three teen boys).  I still had some savior complex going on.  I see now it was my last ditch effort at trying to have a relationship with her.

That was a colossal mistake.   

Six months after she moved in, after loads of boundary issues, anger issues, etc., she telephoned the police to tell them we had been abusing her!  Now, she had a record with the police (calling on all her neighbors at various times for imagined slights) and we live in a small community, so the police called me at work to ask what to do.  Really, police?!    LOL.  Anyway, I was able to secure help from an eldercare advocate, get mom some psychiatric hospital time and placed into a personal care home (where she has independence but help with laundry and meds).  It is a lovely place and she is safe and cared for.

In early November, NPD mom, who has never faced consequences (mostly because I covered for her), made threats against my husband that warranted her caregiver take her to ER.  I went No Contact with my mom afterward.

Overall, it has been like I've been let out of prison.  I can breathe deeply for the first time in my 48 years.  Now, I have rough days -- especially with holidays -- but I have given myself permission not to take on her emotional stuff anymore.  Before, I never realized I could opt out.  Talk about a burden!!

But, as I look at myself, I see I have more personal work to do.  I am hypervigilant, waiting to see what bad thing can happen.  I dissociate when under stress.  I have never felt grounded, or sometimes, even real.  I am prone to emotional eating -- easier to stuff those feels down with food.  I currently use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to stay in the present, body work (yoga and chiropractic) to try to inhabit my body, writing, gardening, and good foods/supplements to take care of myself.  My biggest and most troubling symptom right now is a very big spike in blood pressure/heart rate when the possibility of contact with my NPD mom arises.  I feel awful -- like I will pass out.  It's not even something I think about; it just happens -- a learned response, but a dang powerful one.  I want to get to the point that if I saw my mom at the grocery I would not faint. 

Anyway, that's a wee bit about where I am.  I look forward to learning more about how to help myself and about your successes.

Hugs and blessings ~~

[sanmagic7]

welcome, and so glad you're here.  i think you'll find lots of great information and people here - i have! 

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Amadahy! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Amadahy    Like you I am so grateful for finding OOTF, I was able to see my NPD FOO's behaviour for what it was.  Their NPD was covert or so it felt back then, but once you know what you're looking at it is anything but and the damage is enormous.  You just never have any solid footing with a NPD parent or sibling and our nervous system pays the price.

I actually gasped when I read you had invited your M to live with you as I know what that must have been like - no room to breath as you say and you only realize how bad it has been when you are out from under. The fact that you feel like you will pass out at the mere thought of running into her speaks to how traumatic things really were for you. 

I felt the same way about being around my NPDM and came to a point where I knew my only option was to go LC.  I went LC with her about three years ago and have only seen her twice for a week each time since then.  Unbelievably I did not have an EF either time so it is possible to get to that stage.  Posting at OOTF and here, therapy, self-help all helped to shrink her in size and effect and helped me to detach from rather than absorb her chaos.

It sounds like you are well on the way to detaching and trying to make life more positive and healthy for yourself so "keep on trucking" as they say. Hopefully your M will shrink in size as mine did