New from the UK

[Tandme]

Hi there

My life has been full of cycles of feeling different to everyone else, outside of life, isolated, depressed, avoiding feeling the pain of life, desperate, angry (mostly at myself), misunderstood, fobbed off with "it's simply depression and anxiety" when you are frozen, frightened  of people and taken back to being that abandoned, unwanted and unlovable child.  You are unable to function or go to work, petrified of getting through each day, unable to leave the house or be around anybody, shut down emotionally, not allow anyone close to you, are unable to participate in life, fearful of everything, sickened by your own being and body, immobilized and trapped with childlike feelings of despair and self loathing, anger at no one acknowledging, really listening or understanding what you experience, closed down and cold to those closest to you, embarrassed and ashamed of the angry, hurt and vulnerable part of you you hide from the world, unreachable.  You avoid doing things that would be good for you, never see things through to the point of it making a difference; then you come back to all knowing your truth that you are 'not good enough' ................ Yet over time and with tiny steps, from somewhere deep inside, you begin to trust, be a little kinder to yourself but mostly to others and very slowly you come out of the darkness and find your way back to just about coping and participating in life.

Th cycle continues of finding a sense of self and esteem through pleasing and making other people happy and appreciated.  Once that appreciation is no longer acknowledged or is under threat (though you have tried with every inch of your body), the exhaustion hits, failure AGAIN; and so goes my sense of self, my identity, my only true purpose disappears and triggers past experiences of rejection and abuse.  I hear it loud and clear!  How little I meant, how invisible I became, the only way to stay safe and survive the daily fear and emotional abuse, the threats of going to another family who will treat you worse.

My body and mind only knew fear for most of my early life and i became what i thought and believed people wanted me to be.  I became void of personality, almost impossible to like or love, displayed anxiety, mood swings and couldn't cope if anything was misplaced.  I failed to accept my abandonment and being placed into care of the local authority, and for many of those years believed I was living a bad dream I would eventually awaken from and all would be well.

The effects of most of my traumatic experiences only really hit many years after the events.  I had many nervous breakdowns over the years as layers of pain entered my body no longer the once previously detached feelings of remembered experiences.  It was only ever a layer of pain my mind could cope with, but so as I began integrating and becoming more present in my body the layers of pain and feelings intensified with each episode until after getting married in October 2015 i realised my life, my world was an illusion; i had made my wedding all about what would please everyone there, would make them happy, make them love me more and get me the recognition I truly thought I deserved.  I didn't get it though and all of these people around me, were almost strangers, my nearest and dearest would never be able to give me what I craved and wanted.  No more rose tinted glasses, It wasn't possible, nothing would fill the gaps the pain and trauma had taken from me.  The behaviour of some of my closest friends triggered and opened up memories and feelings I had forgotten for good reason.

I always hated and felt scared and unsafe around drunken people, especially where overt sexual behaviour was acted out.  Anger and altercations left me frozen and unable to cope.  This was my early years, the drunken, violent abuse my siblings and I witnessed, then the foster homes filled with abuse and trauma.  A lifetime of lies, deceit and hidden agendas. The truth and my truth never uttered, feelings shut down and not expressed yet the disappointment, regret and resentment I was to my adoptive parents I grew up feeling.  They were sold the illusion, alluded by the system who presented the dream not the reality of 3 * up kids. 

I now have a social worker who has helped me access records from my childhood so I can recover fractured memories, better understand and piece together the trauma, what happened to me and why.  I am trying  decide and work out who I am and what I want my life to be, so I can become an authentic me.

I have had no diagnosis of CPSD, but like others on here when reading about it had a light bulb moment of reality.  I am receiving adoption and attachment counselling which some what helps, but feel unable to get the help I really need.  I am having to fight to get welfare benefits and prove I am not well enough to work, I am not in crisis so am unable to get a psychiatric assessment or any specialist treatment.  I am angry that the system that should have protected me as a child didn't, and neither cares or apologises for my treatment, nor acknowledges, wants to hear or takes any responsibility for it and expects me to fund my own assessment, care and treatment.  It is like being traumatised again and again.

It's hard to know what best to do??

Sorry for the rant.  I don't want to be a victim, I want to be me and be proud.

Theresa

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Tandme, I'm glad you've joined us!

My heart grieves for the child you were, the children we all were, who never got the things we needed and now suffer the consequences of others' inability to provide us with shelter and nurturing.

If I could recommend a book to you, I'd suggest that you read "The Body Keeps The Score". Very validating, tons of information and direction. Imo should be required reading for anyone who wants to know what trauma does to the brain.

So thanks for joining! Don't worry about "ranting" - I believe it's necessary for us to express ourselves now, because we certainly couldn't when we were little.

[woodsgnome]

That's a very touching and thorough look at the inside/outside pain of trying to find the light of recovery for anyone with cptsd, Tandme. While much of what you say was overlain with a huge tinge of sadness (oh how well I know that debilitating feeling), something you wrote towards the end stood out for me. You said: "I am trying  decide and work out who I am and what I want my life to be, so I can become an authentic me."

How well you are able to express what this has been like for you, at least in print, looks to be a big part of your authentic self. Put simply, it's not easy to communicate well about a subject so complex. Unfortunately, that expressive quality isn't valued in so much of our mechanized world; where living humans are treated as machines, as you've experienced in trying to find help.

So when you say "It's hard to know what best to do" is also too familiar. I've tried for years to unlock some key to shedding all this grief. Reading, workshops, talks, spiritual and anti-spiritual quests, creative arts--all of those and more seemed promising, then they fizzled. I blamed myself mostly, as you admit you've done too; only now am I beginning to see the fallacy of self-blame. While I understand that, that's still a long ways from feeling adequate or hopeful of stepping around so much leftover pain that never seems wholly absent, it just shifts around, mentally and physically.

My search also led me into therapy (with anti-therapy side trips) and nothing there seemed promising...until recently. I kind of stumbled into a savvy therapist with a depth of skill and knowledge I'd never experienced before; albeit that with that sort of therapy parts of my pain worsen before they improve. So it takes some extreme patience.

The puzzle for you looks to be finding some inroad to finding help. I'm sorry I can't provide a ready answer; there are so many variable to the machinery of bureaucratic treatment of humans, as mentioned. But at least you have a starting point? It's the ability to express well, as evidenced in your sharing here. Thank you...and I hope you can at least accept that as a starting point not always easy to come by. It may seem trite, but it's nonetheless important, I feel.

I wish you well; and hope you can find the help you deserve.